Three is a Crowd - what to do?

[nomoreroommate]

I would appreciate any advice on the below situation. I have been trying to work this out for so long now I am at a loss as to what I should do to resolve this:

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 1/2 years. When we met in March of 2002, we both lived alone. After about a year, we discussed moving in together for many reasons, including the financial benefits of sharing expenses. That talk came to a halt soon after.

 

One of my boyfriends friends got thrown out of his house by his girlfriend. He still had to pay his part of the rent at the old house for 10 months or so, so my boyfriend allowed him to move in free of charge. At that time we discussed it and agreed that it was a temporary thing until the friend finished paying off the lease at the old place.

 

10 months passed and although my boyfriend and his roommate began to split the rent and associated bills, there was no talk of him moving out. 6 more months have passed and there is no talk of it.

 

My problem with this is that I feel that the roommates presense is preventing my boyfriend and I from progressing in the relationship and taking steps towards the future. Likewise, while my boyfriend benefits financially from sharing his expenses, I do not. I am trying to get out of debt caused by student loans and credit card bills, but am at a standstill. We speak often of getting married, and I do not want to bring this debt into a marriage. The roomate is indirectly costing me money as I still have to live on my own and pay more money to do so.

 

I have spoken to my boyfriend about these concerns and never gotten anywhere. He obviously does not want to kick the guy out because he is a friend. What should I do? I do not want to give him an ultimatem about this roommate thing, but I also need to make some decisions for my own best interest, though I am not sure what they should be.

[Gunther]

Your boy friends friend is either overly kind or an idiot. Who's name is on that lease? If his name is on it, he needs to move to his house and kick the girl friend out. If his name is not on it, then he shouldn't even be paying his ex gf. If both their names are on it then he needs to tell his gf that he is moving back in, then she can either stay or leave. There is no reason or excuse for you bf's friend to be living with you when he can work and he is paying for a place to live. I know it sounds harsh, but I would hold myself to these very same standards.

 

As for your bf, you two need to marry or have separate places, not because I think sex before marrage is a sin, I could care less. It's because for YOUR sake, 9\10 people who move in together never get married, and why would you? If you two are sleeping together he has everything he wants already. Unless you have your heart set on being married {which is not only moraly right but financialy sound advice too} you should just stay moved in w\ him or set a date. Oh and as for your debt, don't worry about that, it is much easier to conquer debt with two people than with one.

 

Well, that is my .02 hope you found it usefull.

[socalguy123]

 

Here's what I think:

I would believe he is open to listening, if you've been together for this long, but after reading that he doesn't want to ask his friend to leave--weird...

 

A couple of things, I'm guessing:

A) he's not ready for real commitment. Real commitment defined as: "marriage". I mean, he could be committed as a boyfriend--he's happy with you as a "girlfriend". But he doesn't realize that what he's allowing in the household could cost him his long-term (and immediate) happiness. This is attributable to immaturity.

 

B) He DOES realize what he's doing, but doesn't mind. This is the crappier of the two guesses, but it's a reality.

 

What to do now that you're here? I think he's putting you in a bad spot. If you say "he moves out, or me", you could end up looking like a manipulative *rhymes with a witch*, even though we all know that this is a two-way street, and your BF isn't helping...

 

If you continue in the situation, hoping that roommate eventually moves out--you are showing that you're a pushover. This is not a good situation, where what he's doing is diametrically contrary to what makes you happy. Sincerely, if you show him that you'll stay with him through this indiscretion of his, he may not appreciate your personal devotion and sacrifice, and may continue taking you for granted, which is what he does...

 

 

So, in the end, I don't know what the best solution is, but I think you would be in the right, if you told your BF that this can't go on. You may have to take the hard line. But I think you'd be in the right.

 

 

Hm... One option could be relationship counseling?

 

Hang in there!