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The other man


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I feel like I've become the "other man" in a relationship. I've become very close with a girl who is married. She's 16 years younger than me but we get along incredibly well. We can talk for hours. A simple phone call turns into a 2 hour conversation. We have never been physical, as our connection is based on very strong emotional attachment. We both acknowledge the fact that we have a very unique, relationship with a strong connnection that we can't understand. The fact that she's married obviously makes this a lousy situation for me. Her husband is aware that she and I are friends who enjoy spending time together, and doesn't seem to have a problem with it. She and her husband are only 24 and have been married a couple years. He seems a lot more immature than her (we men are known for that) so I think what's happening is she's finding comfort and support like she's never had before in a relationship. Lately, it does seem to be crossing over to more than friendship as our conversations are turning more sexual, and are becoming more frequent. She also recently mentioned she didn't like thinking about me dating someone. She feels jealous but doesn't understand why. To be honest I have no interest in having an affair, (although I do want her physically) and I also don't want to be the 'cause of someone's marriage breaking up. I do however feel she is someone that I could spend the rest of my life with, if she were available.

Reaction from people I've seeked advice from ranges from "there's nothing wrong with having a married woman for a friend", to "stop seeing her, it's gonna blow up in your face". Has anyone out there gone through this and can tell me how it worked out?

 

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Been there, done that (still dealing with it). More than likely you are setting yourself up for the big loss. That's what I did. My deal was that she loved me too and was ready to leave him. We had the most incredible relationship both physically and emotionally (knew her 3 years prior to our relationship). The "not wanting me to date anyone else" statement was exactly what she said to me too. The problem you face is not the fact that she more than likely still loves her husband (which my girl was reluctant to tell me), but if she did leave him she would also have to deal with his and her families (which is exactly what my girl told me). People have a tendency to rely and respond to their internal family needs much more quickly than expected. Once you two are "found out" the pressure on her will go up so much that I can guarantee she will revert to what I call a "safe mode" and shut you out. Safe mode involves going to where she is expected to be by her family (which is with him) and she will work on her relationship with him much to your chagrin. She will eventually want it to work out between them. Believe me when I say this, it friggin' stinks when they do that. You will be left wondering what the hell happened to what you two had. I thought me and my girl were inseperable and we had a pact together that we would never "run each other off", never. "Stop seeing her, it's gonna blow up in your face" is the advice I would give you. It doesn't mean stop being her friend, but you will damn sure need to slow down the sex talk and intimate meetings. I'm just telling you from experience. Now, my guess on the matter is if you slow down the meetings and she takes notice and does positive steps to be with you (like leaving him for the big starter), then you can move on with her. One last thing to leave you with. Time to time I can see a beautiful girl around 24 who has her full life ahead of her. Though, she might be attractive and might be attracted to me I realize that she was born in a different era than me. I believe these girls were not created for me to have because if they were, they would be around my age. Make sure that you are not cheating her out of some of her life. Imagine when you were 26 thinking that a 10 year old girl was for you to have. Well, she was 10 at one time and you were 26 at the same time. Were you two meant to be together? I understand that she is an adult now but you have many more years of experience than she does and technically to you and I she is just a child still today. More power to you if she does leave him for you if that is what she truly wants. My belief is that she was put on this world for someone in her peer group, don't cheat her of that opportunity. I usually just think "she wasn't made for me to have" if she's too young. Let's face it, we are not getting any younger and she could be alone later in life when our life cycle ends when she's still got many years left. You don't want her to be alone then do you? You can leave it with the nice to know feeling that some young woman thinks of you as attractive can't you? If she leaves him for you though, you might just be what she always wanted.

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  • 3 months later...

Dude, I am recently coming out of a relationship where she cheated on me. And the only way you are going to get her out of the relationship is to make her cheat on her guy too. If their marriage fails, move in at will. But right now, I suggest you leave her be. It is not likely to do anything other than hurt at least 1, maybe more people involved. She has to make her own decisions, and if she is unhappy in her marriage, it is her responsibility to leave... it's not your responsibility to complicate the issue. She DID marry the guy for a reason, and no matter if he is immature, or whatever, she sees things in him that you don't, or she wouldn't have married him. Move on to greener pastures... most pastures are. This one is liable to cause more issues.

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