Over the HoneyMoon Phase

[kskm]

As some of you may know I've been with my boyfriend for a year now and we are building a house that will be done in about 10 weeks.

 

The last few weeks have been very different in our relationship though. We are very much in love with each other, and I can't figure out if what our problems are is related to stress of the house, and our lives changing dramatically or if everyone goes through this after the first year. I tried to think back to my last relationship- 5 years long- but I can't remember and I was younger..

 

Ok so, the past three weeks we have been getting easily frustrated with each other- usually me because our situation is difficult as he is a single father going through the last part of his divorce. Yesterday he said that he was going to get his ex something for her birthday, and that he was going to have to take her out (dinner with the kids type thing). I know that I shouldn't have gotten irritated, but I couldn't help it- along with being over emotional for it being that time of the month- so when we met up later I was still in a bad mood and all he could say is you are sitting there with a chip on your shoulder- which was irritating me even more. I was acting stupid, childish and immature- I know. So I went home and when he called I appologized.

 

I tried to wake up this morning with a different outlook. She is the Mother of his child, and he's not getting her anything personal- and he doesn't want to be with her. But I am still in a little bit of a mood... so I went out with my little brother and his two friends to go jet skiing from 10-2. We hadn't talked all morning because he had meetings and we played phone tag a bit. Finally when I spoke with him I told him what I had just got done doing, and he was very short with me. Then text me and told me that he was just being an ass, and that he didn't like the idea of me in a skimpy swimsuit holding onto someone else and not him. (Childish I know- especailly when I had my own jet ski- I guess I failed to mention that to him).

 

I guess we are both pretty stressed from everything and he said that maybe we should stop seeing each other until we figure things out (I don't know what there is to figure out). I said that I wanted to be with him and wasn't going to let some stupid argument and jealousy get in between us, and that I would not let myself be jeaouls and I would work harder to make things easier, but he had to do the same. I texted him this since he was in the gym, and he hasn't texted me back.

 

I am just wondering if this is just from all of our stress, or if it's just the end of the honeymoon phase and we have to get over it. ... Maybe I am just making this bigger then it is.. I don't know.

[DN]

After the death of a spouse and divorce, moving house is the third most stressful event for most people. And you are going through two of them. The divorce is probably as stressful for you as it is for him.

 

Good relations with the mother of his children are good for all concerned; the two of them, especially the children and also for you. The fewer problems there are between the two of them and the easier it will be for your relationship. So you would be wise to encourage that. It would be even better if you were able to be part of their interaction as well but don't push it.

 

When my sister got married her fiancé was a divorced father of two. Because his daughter (and mine) were bridesmaids, he asked his ex sister-in-law to make the dresses as she was a superb seamstress and asked her to the wedding. Finally, they asked his ex-wife and her boyfriend as well. It seemed weird beforehand but worked really well. They even spent a Christmas together so the kids weren't traveling as one was ill. and that worked as well. So it can be done.

 

So, if you can cope with the stress of the move, help him get a smooth relationship with his ex, get on with the kids - you will have a much easier time and be able to enjoy your relationship free of the sort of stress many people go through with ex-spouses.

 

And the 'honeymoon' period does end but ideally it is replaced by something stronger and more meaningful.

[Day_Walker]

It seems that your issues in your relationship could be related to stress but it also seems that you are moving quickly possibly faster than you relationship wants to go. It also possible that this is the point at which your relationship has gone its course. Both of you have issues that you need to work out and they both stem from immaturity once you have conquered these issues then you will be in a better place to see if you two are going to stay together.

[kskm]

DN- I couldn't agree more. I throughout this relationship have been the one telling him to do things with her and the kids together, and am completely supportive of it. I hope that when we move into the house in a few months that everyone can be calm and everyone can be involved with each other. I had a moment last night, and am truly sorry for getting jealous. I had no place and I appologized.. I guess all of this is getting thrown together all at once, and I need to just breath.. Thank You.

 

Day Walker- I was childish and immature. And I needed to get over it. I am over it.... I guess I just needed a moment to think of it. Thank You.

[DN]

If you didn't love him you wouldn't be having these feelings because nothing would matter. You might tell him that.

[kskm]

I just got done talking to him and he appologized for being in a mood lately and suggested that we take a vacation somewhere next week. We haven't been spending as much time with each other since we are both crazy busy during the summer with shoots and bookings so I think we need to unwind.

 

But thank you all... this is what I love about this site. It gives you a chance to sort through your feelings and emotions and another persons point of view.

 

Also, DN I will have to mention that to him. Very true.

[Cecelius]

I'm in your b/fs situation. Just bear in mind that he does what he does for her out of service to his children.

 

My ex is a great person, but other than for the kids' sake, I wouldn't talk to her AND I have no interest that way in her.

 

But it sounds like you have it worked out anyway.

[Mr Meh]

His comment was just as "childish" (or potentially serious) as yours, but since you both apologized it should be all water under the bridge. Maybe his was based on yours (tit for tat kind of deal).

It does seem to me that the stress is bringing out issues that might need to be addressed.

I personally do not support the concept of ex-partners doing things together for the sake of the kids. That leaves the new partner as an outsider. If you can live with it and your comments were indeed just childish snipes, all the power to you..if they were a reflection of deeper thoughts, you best keep an eye on them..

[kskm]

Well I do agree with him doing things with them- including her-- it's especially good for the kids as they dont see each other, the oldest son lives with him (soon to be us) and the youngest lives with her( the oldest isn't her son-- long story when he was 18 he got a girl pregnant, parents forced them to get married and once the son was born she split and he's has custody ever since..... later got married had second son and they are now almost done divorcing... like 5 days from today)

 

I have thought about asking to go along with them... but since the divorce isn't 100% done and since we don't live together yet I don't want to push onto everyone all at once. I think that once we live together and I develop a relationship with his son that will be living there and when his other son visits that then I will go with them all out... until then I will just encourage them to do things together.

[Luciana]

I personally do not support the concept of ex-partners doing things together for the sake of the kids. That leaves the new partner as an outsider. If you can live with it and your comments were indeed just childish snipes, all the power to you..if they were a reflection of deeper thoughts, you best keep an eye on them..

 

I agree with Meh. Sometimes too much socializing with the ex confuses the kids. Some boundaries need to happen. And sometimes it indicates that the person is ambivalent.

 

You are right to be patient and understanding, but keep your eyes open. I have seen too many stories of unfinished business and newcomers getting hurt.