I just need some answers, please tell me what you think

[ashben2400]

My exboyfriend and I dated for two years before we broke up. The first eighteen months were perfect. We never fought and we planned to get married. We are both 22 so we are young. Then, I went off to my first year of medical school and he went back to finish his last year of college. And the problems began. He partied every night and there were always girls around, drunk and available. I had to study all the time and even though we tried to get together every weekend, sometimes that wasn't possible. In February he started job hunting and when he passed up interviewing for jobs in my city and seemed more interested in getting a job away from me, I gave him an ultimatum. I told him he either needed to start being a boyfriend all of the time and start acting like he was committed to me or he needed to leave. He broke up with me. Then for the next week he begged me to come back. I didn't. Since then he has called every now and then and finally last month he told me he still loved me and wanted to get back with me. I told him that I wanted a mature relationship and that Ididn't think he was ready. He didn't deny it. He isn't ready for marriage but I'm not either. I just want commitment. Anyway, as fate would have it, the only job he could get is in my town. He lives about ten minutes from me and since he got the job, I haven't heard from him. That has been about a month. I am dating someone else but I don't love him. I still love my ex. I am not going to call him or contact him. But, I would love to know what he is thinking and why he doesn't call anymore, even to be friends. I am not going to stop seeing the guy I am dating because we are having fun and I don't have any reason to believe my ex wants me back, at least the way I want it. Does it sound like he's just not that into me? Should I give up hope of this ever working out? Is there anything I can do to get him back short of calling and begging him to come back? All you guys out there, is this a commitment phobic guy? He is only 22......Thanks for any advice or help you can give me. Ashley

[DN]

You are not being at all fair to your current boyfriend if you don't love him and still have strong feelings for your ex, so you should let him go so he can find someone who does love him. Otherwise you are just using him and are not being any better as a girlfriend to him than your ex was as a boyfriend to you.

 

The only way you are going to find out if your ex is interested is to ask him - so swallow your pride and ask him. But only after you have done the right thing by your current boyfriend.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

I agree. If you don't love him then it's not fair to him. And if you really want to know just ask, it's the only way.

 

Your ex probably feels bad for being a bad boyfriend, and doesnt want to bother you anymore .. or at least that's what it looks like.

[ashben2400]

I should have mentioned that my current boyfriend does know that I still love my ex. He is willing to wait for me. I have been honest with him about it from the very beginning. Thank you for your advice and taking the time to reply to me. Ashley

[DN]

It is good that you are being honest withyour current boyfriend, but are you being fair to him? I know he is prepared to wait but even so, you do have a say in this.

[ashben2400]

It probably isn't fair to him but I am hoping that I can put some closure on my old relationship and that is why I am here. I hope that if people tell me that it is over that I will be able to give my new relationship a chance. I think it is because there is this little voice telling me that my ex still will come back that is keeping me hanging on to this. My new bf is great and he is everything I could ever want. He is the one who has pursued me and he has known from the very beginning..Ashley

[Nkaleidoscopic]

If your current bf is great to you, I say let go of your ex, and stop loving him. There's a potenial for a great fresh start with your current bf, especially if he's so understanding about your feelings. There's few people who would act like that, so don't take advantage of him. Let go of your ex, if he doesnt want to call, or whatever the reason is, no communication isnt going to help. Either you let go of your ex, or end it with your current bf.

[kskm]

Ok, well... He's only 22. You can't expect someone that doesn't want to commit to commit. Not everyone is at the same place at the same time. Also you say that there were girls around and he was going out like he wasn't allowed to. At parties girls are going to be around and girls are going to flirt- you must have trust in a relationship. If you kept hounding him about going out then I am sure that it got annoying. It doesn't mean that he was cheating on you.

 

Also, it sounded like he did want to be with you- he asked for you to come back----- You said no. What's a guy supposed to do? Beg you for months until you finally come around? I believe that he's probably trying to get over you by NC... you are the one that didn't want to take him back. If you've changed your mind then call him and talk to him.

[socalguy123]

A couple of things:

a) your ex is 22. It's probably not that he's commitment-phobic. It's that he's 22--young. Even if he wants to be with you, doesn't mean he's ready for for than just a "girlfriend", and not necessarily looking at marriage. And you may not be either.

 

b) go ahead and keep going out with the guy you LIKE, but don't love. He's an adult. At the same time, you can have a healthy relationship, good times, and fun with this guy. You don't fall in love overnight, and you don't love a person within a short time--I mean, do you know him well enough even?

[ashben2400]

Thank you so much for your advice. It has helped me a lot to know what to do. I am going to stay with the new guy at least for awhile and if I do not fall in love with him, I will end it. He is a great guy. My ex is young and I told him no because he was still partying and hanging out with other girls. I am sure he hated me nagging him and I did trust him but I hated it. Anyone would I think. I don't expect him to beg. I just expect him to want a mature relationship where we plan a future together, not get married tomorrow. To me the fact that he was looking for a job 5 hours away meant that he wasn't willing to do that. Thanks so much. Ash