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Me & My significant other of seven years deceided to do a separation...we had just been having not a lot of arguments, but the same argument, mainly, when he gets upset he loses control and calls me all types of bad names, sometimes pushes or shoves me, which in turn makes me either go balistic and hit him back or shut donw from him emotionally, tuning him out for a week to two weeks at a time. This has always been our problem....what he goes ballistic over, usually me moving or throwing away his stuff, he is very unorganized, and comapred to him I look like a neat freak, well after a month of this "separation" i decided i wanted to be with him, i'd just gone through almost losing my father and sister and it put some things in perspective for me. During the separation I know that he did some things, mainly harmless, but he was for the reconcialiation, but he stated that he will keep his "friends". Well only after three days of the reconcialiation he said this isnt gonna work, he was uoset because he was talking to one of his "friends" i was there and the girl seemed to be getting emotional, like am i listening to their conversation....


i want to make things work and Know that i can not only change my reaction to his rage behavior, but i have changed...just this near death expereince with members of my family have truly made me see what is important...the problem, he says he loves me but hes not in love with me...he's also in like with one of his "friends" i cant let him go! How can i give up my soulmate.....we still live together and share a house which he cant afford to move out of...my mind is just tryin to think of anythign to get him to change his mind, give it one last shot....what do i do. im not ready to let go

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He is emotionally abusive, you are both physically and emotionally abusive. Plus, you feel you have a right to throw away his stuff which is very controlling and inconsiderate.


In my opinion your only hope is to ask him to go to couples counselling to learn how to negotiate and compromise instead of yelling and hitting. You will have to convince him that you love him, and that it is in his best interests to go with you.

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yes u r right about the abuse...i was childish, i fell into his trap of abusive behavior and didnt walk away....i bought nerf sticks a while ago so if he thingks hes at a the edge we use that to ease the tension, no names no fights....he wont do counseling, we did it b4 and he stopped because somethings the counselor brought up i wasnt ready to deal with, so he said he not going back...im being irrational becase i feel if the "friend" was not in the picture he would be so stubborn,he wouldnt have a fall back.

ur words are doing me some good, he alwasy said i need to control things and i just didnt see it but the fact that a stranger sees the same thing there must be some truth to it...my emotons right now have run the gammut from suicidal to homicidal to depressed, angry, sad, nonchalant...but i always come back to the feeling of love, y should i give up if out of all these feelings this is the constant? Im not a quitter, i dont give up, i believe its never too late....i dont know what to do with a person ive been with for seven years, thru all our ups and downs he's felt the same and now wants to throw in the towel...

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If he won't go to counselling, then ask him to try talking things out with you.Set rules for the talk, such as: no interrupting - you have to listen - you have to acknowledge that the other person has a point of view - no shouting, disrespect or minimising the other person's points. Take breaks when getting over-emotional. No raised voices, no impatience.


Talk over all the issues that made both of you unhappy but also, and this is important, also talk about what makes you happy: why you love or loved each other, what it is about the other person that you admire, why you love them. Each negative comment should be preceded by a positive one.

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thanks again...right now that is hard i say im going to be rational cause i break down at work i cant sleep for more than an hour i havent eaten more than three hundred calories in a day..others say to reach out, talk to someone, I dont have much friends and the ones i do have are long distance, i cant cry to them everyday....so i reach to him instead...he tells me the pain will pass cuz he got over it and still is getting over it...i dont understand how u can be with someone for seven years and they wont even give you a month to try and make it work...one month...if after that, he sees it as no good i swesr to walk away

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feeling like ill never find another who can match with me like him

im black, female 27, atheist, sexually open but DO NOT do oral, independent....mainly the fact that im an atheist and dont do professionals


Im scared....how can there be another

I was readin women over 30 have a better chance of getteing struck by lightening than getting married!

Only had my heart stomped on like this once b4 and i said never again, it took me four years to get over it and now here i go again...i seriously would rather never to ahve loved at all, beacsue this pain is too great...i have so much going for me and all i want to do is drop dead...im sorry im just venting and emaotional and he wont pick up the phone. lol, but not so funny at the same time

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what methods have you used to contact him other than phone? Have you tried writing him a letter (not e-mail)? sometimes, a letter is a good idea because you can compose it, edit it and make sure you are not being accusatory or over-emotional and you can state what you want to calmly and logically. And for some reason, may people take a letter through the mail more seriously than by e-mail.

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yeah except my self-respect already lost that....hes not hearing anything, it seems the more i say closer he pushes his moving out date, i guess thats good, the sooner he out, the easier it may be to heal rather than seeing him daily hearing him talk to other girls, see lingire that i know is for soemone else, i dont underatnd how a person can be so cruel

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guess this is not new...breakups ahhapen, u hurt, u get over it, u get into something or someone else, they hurt u u hurt them...neverending....i think my choice will be no more...i was fulfilled when i wasnt with him had no man had friends, didnt fiend for sex...i just dont wat to put myself in that posisiton anymore

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okay i know to move on i must get him out of my life, but it seems as though he wants to stay in the house for as long as possible....now he doesnt even pay me the respect of coming home at night....he told me he will TRY to be gone by july 1st. Im saying to myself i'll give him till the july 5th then im changing the locks....is this mean? is this fair? he's only torturing me by pulling these antics while were still under the same roof.

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im leaving....going somewhere to wallow, cry, shout scream.. coming back and statying somewhere other than the house, for about two weeks...im not telling him, im just leaving, my plan is for him to be gone when i come back then i will change the locks, i plan to leave a simple note of, when i come back u'll be gone, the sooner the better.....this feels right...i hope it is

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