jeal·ou·sy

[Jake212]

hey,

I wanted to ask everyone about envy and jealousy. I've read article upon article about jealousy and still cant get a handle on this subject or my jealous emotions. What is it and can it control your life and destroy relationships? If you see your partner kissing someone else on the dance floor admist a flirtation does that constiute a jealous reaction, even if they say it was nothing? Is jealousy nothing more than someone reacting to the past? Is a greater self-estem the only way to beat the jealous emotions or should you place boundries on your partner? How do you stop all the "stories" one makes up about thier lover cheating or thinking they will cheat? Any reaction to this article would be appriecated.

[shorty20]

hmm... well jealousy to me, can be a good thing or a bad thing. In small quantities (not going overboard and freaking out) all it does is lets your partner know that you care about them and wouldn't want to lose them. In large quantites it could make your partner feel suffocated... controlled... and yes cause them to leave you. As far as how to stop yourself from thinking that they are cheating... I think the only reason most people think these things and worry these worries is if they don't trust their partner... if they've been cheated on by this person before, or if they know their partner has cheated before... other than that I've never come accross a relationship that was ruined by jealosy. I think to making your insecurities about them cheating go away, it's more of an issue of trust than anything. If you can't trust your partner you shouldn't be with them anywayz, but if you have trust, you can put your trust in them to not do anything like that to hurt you... don't know if I helped, but it's all i got...

[BellaDonna]

If you see your partner kissing someone else on the dance floor admist a flirtation does that constiute a jealous reaction, even if they say it was nothing?

 

To me that sounds like a legitimate reason to be a little jealous. (I wouldn't like it if my husband did that)

 

I think there are healthy levels of jealousy. However, what's unhealthy is acting on them. If you have to confront your partner about every jealous feeling you have- it will ruin the relationship.

 

Then there's extreme jealousy, Example: I have a cousin whose boyfriend calls her literally every 10 minutes when she's not with him and hassles her when she wants to go out. To me that crosses the line from jealousy to possessiveness.

 

I think extreme jealousy/possessiveness is directly related to self-esteem.

 

I think you shoudl tell your partner how you feel, without "setting boundaries" per se. Then see how it goes.

[Mr Meh]

If you see your partner kissing someone else on the dance floor admist a flirtation does that constiute a jealous reaction, even if they say it was nothing?

That is not a jealous reaction, that is a legitimate concern about faithfulness and decency. If my partner did that she'd be walking home, but only to get her stuff.

Jealousy is a terrible thing to live with, escpecially if it's always there, and there is no reason for it. You really just have to trust your partner if jealousy is an ongoing concern..I finally just said to myself "What is the point of being with this person if I can't trust them?" You create a fictional situation and react as if its happened already, leaving your partner wondering why they are guilty until proven innocent; and further to that there is nothing they can do to prove they are innocent! The nearly inevitable result is usually their decision to be guilty and live up to your "expectation" of them. At which point you can confirm your suspicion and continue on to the next "unreliable cheater". It's an insecurity issue which can only be surpassed by exposing yourself to possible hurt. It's a defense against pain, whether imagined or from past experience. Trust and real love can only come from risking the possibility of heartache, not from resisting it.

If your question is based on the incident I quoted, you have every right to react to it, and if your partner is trying to minimize it (and discard your feelings as worthless) by calling you jealous then she needs an attitude adjustment. Unless you're swingers, I think everyone would be angry at that situation.

[Jake212]

Thanks for the help, I guess it comes down to personal belief and self-estem. I guess I knew that answer, but it also about faithfulness and decency (decency in my point of view). Partners are not suppose to behave that way in my view. When you make a commitment to someone you adbide by those ground rules set by each other. If one breaks those rules or throws off your feelings as inconsequencal, its time to move on.

Thanks again...