Need to vent and get this off my chest.

[perseverance_rules]

Sure could use a few responses here. pretty depressing no one comments on my posts!

[perseverance_rules]

Well as I drove into work this morning I dredded seeing her...again. It took her three days to get all of her things. Each day she would call and tell me she was coming, and I dreaded seeing her because I didnt want to see the woman I loved walking out of my life, even though I told her to go. We didnt say much, it was very awkward, and her mom was there and she wouldnt even look at me. She knows she was in the wrong, or she would have at least said Hi. Every Monday I HAVE to go in the office for our meeting. The only thing I said today was Hi, and good morning, and went off to the meeting room. A few times I needed to go to her desk up front and use a few things, each time I talked to her for a brief moment, I smiled and was polite and acted as I were happy and cool...knowing I wasnt. Time will take away the pain, but it will take much longer for me in this instance that I work at the same place. Its getting lonely here without her being around, but you know what?...I feel good knowing that I dont have to answer to her constant nag fit when she gets home. WOW what a relief. Even though I know its for the better of me to have let her go, I cant stand to see her with another man. I did it before with my ex and saw her at parties and was ok with it, and eventually got over it, and wished her and her new husband good luck...I hope I get to that point with her eventually to be friends, because if this is my baby, I hope we dont argue like we have so much in the past.

 

I also hope my new woman accepts the fact that I work with my ex...what a tough thing to deal with. Its the worse thing that could have happened. Stuck in the worse situation every time i break up with someone. I hope there is a heart left in me after all of this and I dont become a mean man all scorned with no feelings. Surely this wouldnt do it. I know what I want, I just cant SETTLE for having a companion even though I know its not best for either of us. She was the life of the party, everyone liked her because she was so up front and honest with people when she spoke....but after all of this, most of my friends became honest as well as my family and told me they didnt like her much at all. that she was a mean spirited woman who was using me to get me to be what she wanted...and thats not fair to anyone.

 

Sorry about the message this morning, I was stressed to go to work, now I have to get back on the phones and make appointments for the week...

 

Last night I found out that my older brother is a drug addict and I just sat and stared into the walls for two hours asking God to help me out in this. SO much to think about and I have to keep on. I know I have to keep on.

 

 

my journey continues

[avman]

New woman?

[perseverance_rules]

the new woman i will have in the future. im not with anyone right now. sorry if i confused yall.

[avman]

Ah, you had me going there. I was wondering whether you felt comfortable enough for a new relationship yet. I would have tried to talk you out of it at the moment

[perseverance_rules]

Now I find out that my older brother is a drug addict. The drama continues. TOo much for me, so I will worry about me, then worry about him. When it rains it pours! Give me some guidance in this crazy life for sure...I need it.

[perseverance_rules]

Feeling a little down and out today. Have been on the phones for 4 hours just taking a lunch. Sometimes I foget im hungry, even though I know I need to eat something. appetite not there too much as im getting over a bad cold to boot! What a week that was. Seems like I went through one big haze...not really there totally. Today Im thinking of all the good times my ex and I had, and how cool she was to be around. She was good to me for the most part...but words and actions more than not ruined my liking of her over time. Its sad that when in a relationship where there is love but not understanding, you grow apart emotionally, but stay together physically out of comfort in the situation. I plan on keeping a friendly attitude with her, I know she really cares about me deep down...she just didnt have the decency to break things off before she slept with another man. We never had problems in that department, we talked about it together a lot. So sex with another was her way of getting what she felt she lost with me, closeness. My eyes are open to what happened here, I just hope to find someone that I dont have to constantly assure and physically take actions all the time to show it.

 

Still heart broken, and wondering will things turn out on a positive note.

[perseverance_rules]

Well people, I had another bad day. The appointments I was so ready to sell fell through, and now its three weeks with no sales. Its so depressing in that aspect, but I cant get down now. WIth all the drama in my life right now, I think I just need a womans hug! Wish my mom was closer to me right now, she lives 3 hours away. She needs a hug too right now because shes been restless about my brother being an addict. She cant sleep, she can hardly go to work, and Im even worse off. I shed many tears last night before I went to bed thinking constantly about EVERYTHING. I went for a walk at 3 am this morning to burn off the energy. Helped a little bit. Today, my ex called me first thing in the morning to tell me about a policy being in and a few messages for me to call.

 

Before I went to the office after my appointment I totally got nervous about seeing her once again. I almost dread going there now. Every time I see her it all flashes back. The images of her having sex with another man flash in my eyes as soon as I see her. I act fine when Im there, and dont make myself out to be down and glum, but I know she feels it. I barely say two words...when before I would have taken her to lunch, and stayed to chat for a few at least. The pain in my chest has been lingering all day today. All I can think about is the possibility that this is NOT my child and it hurts me so much. I am almost 30 and still no kids, even though I havent wore protection with the last few Ive been with. Her and I only wore protection once the entire time we were together - 2 years. Its too much of a coincidence that shes pregnant now that I know she cheated but she just wont come out and say that there is a possibility that its not mine.

 

Is she too ashamed that someone shes only known for a few weeks, or months is the father? Thats what Im dealing with on a daily basis. Shes making my heart bleed and its totally tearing me down day by day. I want to love again, I want to meet someone special, but its so hard to move on right now...not being able to let go of those thoughts are rotting my insides. It hurts.

[perseverance_rules]

Well I was sitting in my room, totally depressed, listening to musich when I realized, what the hell for? Yes it hurts, but I did nothing wrong here, she did.

 

Before I met her my attitude was that if a woman makes me upset at all I would kick that rash to the curb. Well I did, so why cant I remember those feelings? I LOVED HER. She didnt love me back in return enough to respect me in the end. Her loss. Not mine. I WILL find another woman, I just have to let it roll off my shoulders and let whats done be done. I remember the days of being single and sitting in my house lonely and depressed, only wanting a woman by my side, and in the end I settled half way through the relationship not wanting to let go of a companion. Its partly my fault for letting the crap go on for so long. I wont be bitter, I will hold my head up and know that there is a woman out there who would die to be with me for who I am. All I have to do is be available and not let my guard down too much to make sure they know they MUST respect me, no matter what it is.

 

Bring on the happiness!

[perseverance_rules]

WOW the emotions are strong today. I cant get her out of my head at all this morning. My heart hurts today...is there an end in sight of it all?

 

I had to leave this morning to make phone calls but all I did was drive around thinking of her. My heart stings very much all day so far. I cant seem to get motivated at all today. I feel lots of anxiety today over her. This is not healthy for me at all. Last night I felt really good about being single, but this morning I had the old feelings back 10 fold. The biggest pain is still wondering if Im the father. She hasnt talked to me about the situation once since she left for good on Sunday, and honestly I wonder how she feels, and I wonder what she thinks about all this. She said she didnt have much remorse about what she did, but how could that be? She never cheated on anyone before now...is her heart that cold? Were things so lost already in this relationship for her not to care about me much anymore? My hands almost shake as I write this. I feel so lonely and lost right now. my only thought is 8 months from now finding out what I fear, that Im NOT the father.

 

Has anyone here had to deal with this type of thing? It would make me feel so much better to know the full truth in the long run...but would she ever tell me?

 

So many questions are making my head spin. Any thoughts or feedback would greatly help my struggling soul to no end. Please help me.

[perseverance_rules]

Responses?.....

[perseverance_rules]

Well today marks the two week mark for me. My emotions are so up and down right now. I cant seem to get her off my mind at all lately. Working from home is really a bare through this. Sometimes I think about just leaving my job for something new, something more secure. I cant fathom us working together for a long time right now. The anxiety is filling up my life with questions. I dont have much positive things happening to me right now, and Im losing myself in this. As the day goes by I hope things will get better each day. A step forward, then a step back.

 

sometimes i feel love is just a turn off for me. once i feel it, i get rejected. can i get out of this mess and meet someone new? can she be what i want? can i be what she wants? shes out there somewhere.

[perseverance_rules]

Well I spent a few hours at the office. Another agent was there for awhile so it made it easy for me to cope. We both went separate ways for lunch and returned. I helped her take in some things for the office. On my way in she asked me a weird question that makes be believe more that this is my child on the way. She asked me what kinds of health issues i had when i was born and as a child. I was thinking, why would she be asking me this by ourselves if she thought that maybe it wasnt mine? I guess she had a doctors appoiontment and they asked her about me. Not to say she didnt get the same info from the other guy, but she was totally without doubt that this was my child, telling me shes glad i havent caused problems, and that it keeps her mind from being stressed which can hurt the baby in the long run. My whole point to her was that I want so much to be there for the birth of my child, but its rather bittersweet thinking of that day. Should I give in to the fact that its mine just to be there for the birth with her? That would be so awesome for me. In the end she would have to get paternity results in order to get support from me. Maybe I should keep my feelings to myself about it and go along with her wanting me to be there in the delivery room with her. She said she would have me there, but doesnt want me to be there if I dont think its mine.

 

Hard decision, but if in the end it IS mine, well then I would get the chance to see my child being born. If not, then at least I didnt miss it right? It would take a few weeks Im not sure to find out if im the legal dad, but I would find out regardless right? Maybe me thinking of this route will make things easier on both of us through this?

 

She acted like she wanted to be with me in the future, but wanted me to trust her that the baby is mine, and thats whats getting to her. I got the feeling that she finally realizes what she has done to us. and the ball seemed like it was a little more in my court today. a little anxiety left my chest after we spoke. she truly cares about me i know this. but how could she do this to me if she really cared?

 

I told her that if she would have respected me and not slept with that guy we could be working on our relationship and things would be different for the future...we could have been happier now that this has happened and worked on the relationship for the good. but now whats done is done and that she hurt me and my trust...and she said she realizes that and she knows it hurts, but thought that it was over between us already, and couldnt bring herself to end it.

 

i hope i can forigive her about this soon, so that i can be happy to be a father and not have mad feelings toward her for putting me through all of this.

[perseverance_rules]

Thanks everyone for letting me know Im talking to myself. Guess everyone is tired of reading my posts. Some people get hits constantly and words of ecouragement, i get two responders and blow off from people. THANKS, helps me realize who cares.

[avman]

Gee, you're welcome.

 

You should realize that your posts read more like a diary rather than asking questions for people to respond to.

[perseverance_rules]

Well its Sunday night and I just got back from a long weekend at the lake. I drank quite a bit this weekend and only realize that for every beer I drink to forget and numb the pain, the longer it will take for my feelings to be healed.

 

Sorry about my earlier post about no one caring. My opening to this post was actually that I needed to vent to get this off my chest. It is a diary of sorts for me to come to and let things out...but it also helps to get peoples views and read what theyve been through on here as well.

 

It only helps the healing process when you see that others have felt the same pain. even if it is only a few sentences of whats happeneed with them its nice to read others are going through something like this the same time as me, or in their past.

 

So feel free to comment and to let me know someone is still reading. Thanks!

[avman]

If you have specific questions you want responses to, I'd start a new thread and ask your question. Then it appears on the main forum page and has more visibility than the older threads.

[perseverance_rules]

I feel so much anxiety today. Today was a good day for me, I made a good sale that made the boss give a high five, but I still had the exgf in my head all day. I still love her so much. But when she calls my chest burns and stings, and I have to keep it together. ive acted normal to her when we talk about work issues, and when Im there in the office, but inside I am totally confused. Every day is a struggle. She is who I wanted to be with for a very long time, shes so motherly and caring. Could I possibly forigive her and none of my friends and family lashed at me for doing it? I highly doubt it. Im sad. Im depressed. And I wish we found out she was pregnant before she messed around on me and she wouldnt have dont what she did. Whats done is done now though, and her friends and family have all talked to her to tell me to forgive her and eventually make things work. On every side of that there are negatives though. Once a cheater always a cheater? Does she truly love me? Will she do it again if things get slightly rocky? COuld I ever have the trust back totally? Ive met a few nice women in the last few days and have told them of my situation and they all seem to want me to try and make it work with her. She had never done anything like this before, was she just reaching out, or were there other problems I just dont know about?

 

I will live my life as natural as I can and wont make any promises. I guess what im saying here is that we both wont know until the baby arrives and we see where our emotions are then. Maybe just friends is all we should be? Too soon to tell, and the time involved is killing me.

[perseverance_rules]

Well I was feeling a little better today. As days go by, my memories of her are slowly fading but I do think about the situation quite a bit. Keeping busy with something fun is always best.

 

When Im on long drives to appointments, mostly all I think about is her and WHAT IF types of things.

 

WHAT IF I would have given her better attention, WHAT IF we werent arguing, WHAT IF too much really. Now I am getting to the point that she should be sad more than me, because I dumped her, even though her cheating proved she was the one out first. Still makes me feel better that I had the nerve to do it the way I did. I spent no time hearing what she had to say because whatever it was it would not have been OK with me. She did a few times try to force the blame on my shoulders too for not communicatng with her, but all I see that is an excuse for herself to feel better.

 

She can barely look me in the face lately, and when she does I can see the look of guilt and sadness in her eyes that she lost something she really wanted, lust for someone else at her time of being angry got in the way of my feelings.

 

Looking back on our relationship, I think Im better off with someone that will treat me like I should be treated, and love me for who I am, not who they want me to be. I know I said this before but it feels better to say it again because its the truth, and my emotions get in the way of the truth thinking of no one but her to be with isnt the answer. Someone better will come along, and hopefully we can have a friendship for this child. And the child will know that daddy was a good man, and mommy just made a mistake in judgement. I think even if Im not with anyone by the birth, that time will make me so happy, because then I can think of something other than myself, and my feelings, and put my energy towards the child.

 

Post if you have any feelings on this. Its appreciated. Or just to say someone is stil with me.

 

Thanks!

[perseverance_rules]

Well its been three weeks today. WOW time flies. I cant believe its been this long already and I am slowly getting her out of my mind. Although the pain is still real, I am starting to accept the fact that shes no longer with me even though I was the one who broke it off.

 

Did I do the right thing kicking a pregnant woman out and having her deal with the stress herself?

 

I felt bad about that, but she truly put herself there in my opinion. She had plenty of options of where to move to, thats why i was so upset she cheated on me. its not like she was stuck in my place without a place to go and turn to. It only took her a few hours to finally make arrangements. Seems like she was ready to do it already anyhow.

 

Its SO very hard for me to put into words how difficult this is for me to see her and talk to her on a regular basis. There will be HUGE scars from this, and my next relationship will not go as this did. I refuse to be put in this situation again, its horrifying to say the least.

[perseverance_rules]

Well today was a good day, until I went into the office. I am doing great in this knowing I can definitely do better, and find a better woman in my life who is honest and faithful...problem is Im fine all the way up until I enter the office and I feel hurt all over again. Its such a hard thing to do and I dont wish it upon ANYONE.

 

Im thinking of possibly leaving my job and pursuing another insurance company but all the time and effort Ive put forth here would be lost, and I love my boss and the other agents its so hard.

 

How can I remain professional and strong when I rehash everything about her every time i see her, and she acts the same way, like nothing ever happened between us. Sometimes it makes me feel so used and humiliated that this woman whom I loved is standing right in front of me, is the mother of my soon to be child, and she treats me like any other agent or person. WOW, how things change so quickly. I only wish to talk to her later when the baby comes and get all the truth out from her. MAybe I may not want the whole truth or do i? would it help me in the end to move on or further my depressed feelings?

 

A bad thing that happened also was that as I returned home this evening her car was outside my apartment. I KNEW she was there to see the neighbor who she had been going to the bar with when she cheated, and then they both left together...I thought that was so terribly RUDE and disrespectful, as if her friend is disrespecting me too...WHAT DID I DO HERE TO BE TREATED LIKE A USED DOLL ?

 

I thought maybe it was just a coincidence that she was there at the same time they had always went out, but I cant be that gullible. She is pregnant with my child and still goes to the bar, and sees that guy, and out of respect she could have had her friend meet her somewhere, its like shes toying with my head and acting like its no big deal, which is eating away at me.

 

I feel like I should say something to her about it, but I think it would only make things worse. What do you think?

[perseverance_rules]

WELL I found out some bad news. My exgf lost the baby recently. Its hard to hear from her, and it was even harder to get off the phone without a few curse word thrown in there.

 

She partially blamed me for her losing the baby saying that I put her through stress during this time. I was floored by that and almost went through the phone on her

 

I told her I was sad to hear that and that i looked forward to this baby as much as she did, even though the circumstances werent ideal, it was still my child as far as she was concerned.

 

We even argued about that....I guess it was for the best we never see each other again, if two people cant get along even after they are in a better situation, it was best for both now.

 

I am terribly upset that I really looked forward to this child and feel like I am only getting older and hope to have a child of my own soon, but I know I cant rush that. I love children very much and want to see myself in one some day with the right woman.

 

I cannot believe she blamed me for her losing it, its almost like another slap in the face from her. She told me that it may be from a low sperm count, or my health issues when I was a child, but that made no sense to me. Could in fact my birth problems give her problems in carrying this child? I didnt think it could. Before she got pregnant I hadnt drank, smoked, or did any drugs, I was very healthy and still am today.

 

I did have asthma as a child and lots of allergies and had hepatitis as a child at age 7, but wouldnt think that would have anything to do with it. Go figure what her thoughts were on that.

 

She is 35 years old and has never been pregnant in her life....that to me should tell her something. I told her that she is older and its hard enough to get pregnant let alone carry a baby at that age, and she wouldnt have it.

 

I told her that she never appoligized for what emotional crap she put me through by cheating on me and she said she never will. It only makes me understand what a hateful woman she is and realize she wasnt the one what so ever. I have more pride in myself than that. I treated her with respect, paid all the bills, and was there for her every chance I got...she was a total selfish individual that I can deal without.

 

It hurts me very much to have gone through this twice now in my life. and now i have to make the decision of moving on to a different company so I will not have to see her ever again...it would only make things tough on me to get over now that she has lost the baby...and I dont want to put myself through that at all, its not healthy for me nor is it good for the office to have to deal with something like this.

 

I will be putting resumes out to other places in hopes of landing a good job at a similar company...hopefully something good can come out of all of this soon...I really need it.

[avman]

Um, well I hate to tell you this but she could be outright lying about losing the baby in order to get rid of you.

 

I cannot believe she blamed me for her losing it, its almost like another slap in the face from her. She told me that it may be from a low sperm count, or my health issues when I was a child, but that made no sense to me. Could in fact my birth problems give her problems in carrying this child?

Well this is simply ridiculous. Sperm count has NOTHING to do with the viability of a pregnancy. It only increases or decreases the chance of getting pregnant in the first place. Your health issues as a child also have nothing to do with the viability of the pregnancy. Yes its possible you have a defect in your DNA, but it's not just your DNA that creates the baby it is the combination of yours and the mothers.

 

Simply put, absent some sort of trauma to the mother or obvious abuse of her body during the pregnancy (heavy drug use, alcohol, smoking, etc) there is no way to know why the pregnancy terminated. And like I mentioned, I'm not convinced yet that she has lost the baby. I've heard many cases before where a father has been told about a miscarriage to get rid of him. Then the mother has the baby anyway and either keeps it or adopts it out.

 

Stay vigilent. If indeed the baby has been lost, you have my deepest sympathies. Rest assured there is nothing you did or could have done about it. But keep your eyes and ears open for the next few months to make sure this isn't all an elaborate hoax.

[Miss Keisha]

From my own personal experience, its never really easy to get over someone that you were in love with but I think that it largely depends on whether or not you have the willpower to do so. I think that in this case, your case is made more difficult because you work together, but you just have to hang in there. Ok, back to this issue about losing the baby, from the previous posts I think that she is remorseless and that she is also vindictive and looking for a way to hurt you. I think that its possible that she might also have had an abortion, just to get back at you, knowing how much this baby meant to you, or like avman said she might just be trying to get rid of you. Just keep your eyes open, and heres hoping that you will eventually find someone who is looking at having the same things in life with you and that you will eventually have that child that you want. I feel you and hope that you will get over this woman cause she sure doesn't deserve u.

[perseverance_rules]

Well I talked with her today. Then I saw the pics of the ultrasound. I wish I hadnt,...but it was so precious......i cried deeper than I ever have. So did she, for the first time since Ive known her.

 

Its sad that after two years of knowing this woman she finally comes out with all her feelings for me, and finally apologized for everything she did to hurt me. It was very emotional, but yet very much for the closure of it all, it felt good afterwards. Totally.

 

I will always remember this time in my life, and hope to never hate her for things shes done, shes really a great woman, that in the end couldnt help but do what she did in her own view...I dont agree with it, but it is what it is.

 

She cried to me for nearly 15 minutes today. I felt like I shouldnt have the same feelings, but I let those things go, and truly felt the same as she, it was our baby which is lost now. I feel so empty inside even though I know its time to move on. I am happy to know I can find someone new who I click with better, and learn from the experiences Ive had with her. I will always love her...that wont change because she would have been the mother of my child.

 

Ill get that some day I know, and I hope that my next relationship is even more spectacular...I deserve it for all Ive been through.

 

Our conversation just kept to our baby she lost, and I wish that she finds happiness in life, and I can love her without hating her for things shes done.

 

 

She genuineley apologized for everything, and cried to me because she finally let out the feelings she truly had for me which was always hard for her. Its sad that it took all this for her to open up, but at least it happened for my sanity and closure on things.

 

I take a deep breathe now, and look at the world with saddened eyes and only hope that God will show me the path to happiness. Ill miss her truly, but have to get over her. She told me she missed me so much but that she wasnt happy with things and wished we had talked more before her feelings for me changed...well they came back to her ten fold, and now she knows she cant do a thing to change what she did, but wished me luck and told me how lucky a woman will be to have a man like me.

 

well never get back together, but at least I can remain a distant friend to all weve been through, and get past this all.

 

thanks for reading everyone...its a long road to recovery, but with everyones blessings, Im sure to be fine.