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First Date Success -- 1 week NC with ex

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Heh All


Well had my first post-breakup date Saturday and it was a great success.


Hit it off with this new girl although she is very different from my ex. She is VERY quiet and 'shy' but we chatted into the early hours of the morning and hooked up again for a bite to eat last night.


It really did my self-confidence a lot of good and it was the first weekend in 10 that I didn't obsess about the ex... also the first time that my ex and I have have gone a full week with complete NC. Up until a couple of weeks again this 'radio silence' (so to speak) would have driven me insane and made me feel really depressed but now... well it isn't bothering me except in the sense that I wonder what she is doing, thinking etc etc.


Not sure how things will develop (if at all) with the new gal, never really been in this situation before -- dumped from a long term (live in) relationship and thrust back on the singles market. Also haven't dated in the conventional sense for over 12 years so no idea how to 'date' -- always rebounded from one relationship to the next'.


But as so many advise getting 'back in the saddle' again really is the best way of recovering. Right now i would still love a reonciliation with my ex, but for the first time I am beginning to conceive of life without her and also beginning to think that if she does choose to come back her time frame is limited before I 'move on'.


As for the new Gal wanted to ask people if it was normal in these kinds of situation to 'make comparions'. Don't get me wrong these weren't thoughts during the dates but 'post-date'. Comparing the way she looked, her figure, her personality, her hair etc etc. My ex was something of a stunner as well as being very ambitious, intelligent and successful (plus add stubborn and selfish). The new girl is attractive but just so 'different' in every way -- are my thought processes here 'normal'??


As always comments and advice from the group are welcome

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Hey Doc,


I would like to share my exp with you and maybe it will help you because I am in a similar position. My ex and I were together for 8 1/2 years. We even lived together for a period of about 2 years until I temporarily moved back in with my parents to pay off her engagement ring. I was about a month away from proposing. I think there may be an age gap here as I am only 25 but hopefully this will apply to you as well.


I have been seeing a girl for about 3 weeks. She was my first date since my ex dumped me about 7 weeks ago. I find myself comparing her to my ex. I try to keep the comparisons to areas that affect a relationship not nit picking everything about both of them. (i hope that makes sense) I think it is only natural to do so. If you think about it we do that with a lot of things in our lives. If you are looking for a new job, you compare your old job to the new. If you are buying a new car you compare what you had to the new prospects. Although I think that this can be good or bad. She is very different than my ex in a lot of ways and I am very much out of my comfort zone but I think that is a good thing. How else am I to know what I want if I haven't gotten out there and experienced things. One of the major reasons I am so uncomfortable is that I have not dated in 8 1/2 years, I don;t really know what to expect or what to do. I just try to be myself and it seems to be going great so far.


There are reasons I think doing the whole comparison thing can be a double edged sword. For instance, If you hold your ex in such a high regard that anyone you compare to her will never be good enough than it is very bad. All that will accomplish is keeping yourself hung up on your ex and keep you from having a fruitful, satisfying relationship with someone else.


On the other hand if you look back on the relationship with your ex and use that to determine what you are looking for in a relationship. i.e. what qualities you are looking for in a companion, what you feel makes a healthy relationship. I think using that information and using it to determine how this new person fits into all of that is only natural and healthy. I would also have to say that if you are not sure what you are looking for then try not to make comparisons. Just go with it and see where it takes you. If it doesn't work out then you will just have more informaion on what you are looking for in a relationship.


I hope you found this at least a little useful and sorry if I jumped around at all. If you ever need to talk or need more insight I would be more than happy to help out. That's what we are all here for. Good luck!

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