Am I out of line?

[fantasia2004]

If I received this I actually might laugh because my first thought would be "Okay. Definitely don't need someone like her in my life."

 

That's exactly how i would think as well.

 

I think there's one quote that you'll find useful

 

Think not what the country can do for you but what you can do for the country

 

Go read Emotional Intelligence, and all books related to this subject.

 

And why is that ?

[fantasia2004]

If I received this I actually might laugh because my first thought would be "Okay. Definitely don't need someone like her in my life."

 

That's exactly how i would think as well.

 

I think there's one quote that you'll find useful

 

Think not what the country can do for you but what you can do for the country

 

Go read Emotional Intelligence, and all books related to this subject.

 

Sometimes trying to learn to get along with others makes me crazy at wits end.

I refuse to make new friends for fear of rejection and emotional hurt.

 

Remember, you can't always depend on man alone. Because man can also fail you. You must depend on yourself.

[Spirits Away]

All I know is that the more you're exposed to people, the more experience you have, the higher EI you get.

 

Fear of rejection only leads to low EI. I'll end it here.

[avman]

fantasia I've read what you've replied. However there are ways to get your point accross to people such that you do not permanently damage the relationship in the process. Now if you don't care about losing the relationship, then fine. But if you do care, then you might want to look into some other options for communication.

 

Look at the outcome of what happened in this case:

 

1) You lost a friend

2) That person did not change

 

I would not call this a success.

[punchy504]

who feels she should have a right to tell people how she feels and what they did wrong and must own up to it. Because if you don't tell them the truth then they will feel like they have done nothing wrong

 

 

 

and fantasia, not to be mean, but your words above are also a rather apt description of the person who wrote the e mail in the original post, wouldn't you say?

[fantasia2004]

who feels she should have a right to tell people how she feels and what they did wrong and must own up to it. Because if you don't tell them the truth then they will feel like they have done nothing wrong

 

 

 

and fantasia, not to be mean, but your words above are also a rather apt description of the person who wrote the e mail in the original post, wouldn't you say?

Stop being apologetic! I asked for bluntness and honesty. So give it to me.

 

Yes. I was referring to me in this email of that quote.

 

I just feel there must be a logical way without losing my cool to get the point accross. What am I supposed to do about it. Sit there like a lame duck and take the abuse from others who do not respect my interests or well-being? Sorry folks to be so emotionally draining but this is my life right now and I WOULD LIKE TO FIX IT.

 

Maybe I am mixed up here with my way of thinking.

 

I have learned in the past that tyring to talk it out with other people who are more stubborn than you are is fruitless.

 

Being nice just invites others to call you simple and dim witted.

[fantasia2004]

well, if you feel that someone's mistreating you, just walk away and say goodbye forever, if you're really at your wit's end with them.

 

A whole group of people..... I'm glad you're in counseling to work this out.

 

What about your actions? What did you do that contributed to how they treated you? It is often said that we teach others how to treat us. How did you teach people to treat you?

 

I am not sure. Maybe I am being too nice to others and letting things slide with a reoccurrence of things that keep doing to me that I find unacceptable.

 

Or previously before I just never learned how to say no?

Could be I am too forgiving and it boils up inside of me. I just don't believe in letting sleeping dogs lie.

 

Please, we have some people (who were worse than me) on this site but I think they were able to manage to overcome their emotional/ psychological issues to lead productive promising lives.

 

 

I have taken full responsiblity for the actions that plagued me for years. So in NO WAY am I BLAMING HER OR MAKING EXCUSES OF HOW THINGS ARE CURRENTLY TURNING out in my life. I made sure to clarify that.

[punchy504]

you need to address something that bothers you right away.

 

 

like you and the girl you wrote the email to are in a conversation and she interrupts you, then you, without yelling or being rude, calmly look at her and say "Please don't interrupt me."

 

anything she does that bothers you address in a calm, ladylike but no nonsense "Please don't..." or " I don't appreciate it when you..." or Could you try not to ....."

[fantasia2004]

anything she does that bothers you address in a calm, ladylike but no nonsense "Please don't..." or " I don't appreciate it when you..." or Could you try not to ....."

I would love to know based on society's standards what constitutes a lady? And why the double standard with on how they act in public and towards each other?

[Mun]

Fantasia,

I have a friend who is very opinionated and will bulldoze over you to say her point. It's difficult to have an opinion when I'm talking to her. No matter what I say, I am wrong...most of the time...according to her. We've had falling-outs in the past because I've said something that she did not agree with and felt it was a direct criticism and if I tried to state my case she felt it a direct offense. Usually I won't say what I think ( can you believe that?) because I already know what's coming.

 

She is a good person, intelligent, avid reader, generous at times. So what happens? I don't spend very much time with her because I don't want to walk on eggshells. It's pretty sad. If she wants to keep the friendship she had to chill out, I think she figured this out after months of NC. We now agree to disagree because we have different lives and different experiences.

 

I hope you didn't send this letter. There are ways to say how you feel and what you want that will go over more smoothly and without making an enemy or having someone think you are a nut case. Trust me.

 

If you want help writing the letter pm me.

 

Mun

[fantasia2004]

Muneca, I am having a battle in my mind of trust values with people. I am a person of reason. I do know that sometimes I do fly off the handle and make outburts that are uncommon and bizarre. I mean that when I am being irrational. However I do want to be on the road to happiness and wellness.

 

How can I get others who have disrespected me in the past, to understand where I am coming from so I would not have to tear them apart emotionally? Or am I repeating my requests over and over?

 

Muneca, more than anyone else I do respect and listen or at least try to listen to your words of wisdom.and advice. So any input remains to be seen. As far as whether or not I listen learn and take heed is another story.

[smallworld]

I just feel there must be a logical way without losing my cool to get the point accross. What am I supposed to do about it. Sit there like a lame duck and take the abuse from others who do not respect my interests or well-being? Sorry folks to be so emotionally draining but this is my life right now and I WOULD LIKE TO FIX IT.

 

There is a logical way. It's called fighting fair. Write and scream out all your anger when you're alone. Blast the stereo and let it all out. At those times, Alanis Morrisette is my best friend.

 

When you've calmed down, go talk to the person. Use a lot of "I" statements, like "I feel hurt when you do 'X', because it makes me feel 'Y'. Focus on trying to resolve your differences, not blaming, condemning, and excommunicating people who've hurt you.

 

It's that simple. Really it is!

 

And for future problems, try to speak up as soon as possible. The longer you hold things in, the more likely they are to end up being WW3.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

I had a "I feel like a doormat" situation just a couple days ago.

 

I am (supposedly) Bipolar, so I layed down on my bed and relaxed for like 5 minutes after the certain incident.

 

Then after that I got online/the phone and talked to my friend, and I simply told him, "I feel hurt, replaced and alone."

 

That's what I felt and that's what I told him. He thought about it and apologized, now he's talking to me again and calling me more often. It's basically a long story, I dont want to bore you, but it was resolved.

 

I thought your letter was rude, and I hope you didn't send it. I didn't read all the posts on this thread, but I saw a whole lot of arguing.

 

My advice is just lay down and empty your mind. Stress makes you want to do and say stupid things that you ussually would not do.

[fantasia2004]

Why is it that whe I speak the honest to God truth it is considered wrong hurtful and meanspirited?

 

Does that make me a cad?

 

God there are and trust me you guys out there know what I am talking about, are people who are crueler and meaner to others in this world.

 

This is not meant to be a joke nor is it meant to elicit laughs of fun. I have been told in the past that what I say can get under people's skin.

I am not the bad guy like everyone is painting me to be.

 

I don't hate anyone . I do not plan to attack anyone. Unless that was my ex bf, and that was only dreaming of course.

Here on the site e are meant to counsel people help them along with their problems and pray they compose themselves and finally move on in a happier state of mind.

 

Do we people, think it is right to cover things under the rug and let them see things through rose colored glasses or give it to them straight to save them from grace?

 

Comments are greatly appreciated! And don't be afraid to tell me the truth because I have to learn from this too! So that I CAN GET THE SLAP IN THE FACE WITH A DOSE OF REALITY.

[fantasia2004]

Plus I AM not here to push anyones's buttons. I am just looking for advice.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

Well, I was trying to help you. You seem a bit worked up. I'm not saying you are the bad guy. Course not. Then I guess I was the bad guy yesterday in my own situation.

 

Just be careful how you say things, thats all. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

 

And yeah, there's tons of mean people, those who even after you tell them how you feel wount budge an inch or care. They've got their own issues, don't be bothered by them. Who cares?

 

Even if they're your former friend, it's unrealistic to think that you woun't find any more people that WILL respect you and WILL treat you right.

 

Don't cover it under the rug. If you don't want to forgive them, that's your descision. But don't dwell on it. Don't start an argument that can't be won.

 

If you want respect and kindness from people, remember:

You give none, you get none.

 

And sometimes you'll give alot, and get none. That's when people are below you and the best thing you can do is move on.

[fantasia2004]

I accept your help. No I AM NOT WORKED UP at all.-caps on sorry!- I am just making a point . And people are welcome to say what they like

[DN]

I see in your profile that you are a public relations assistant. I take it you do not treat people in your professional life as you do in your personal life.

[fantasia2004]

I see in your profile that you are a public relations assistant. I take it you do not treat people in your professional life as you do in your personal life.

 

On the contrary, I do but after awhile people get to me which makes my job even harder to manage.

 

But that does not mean I am not cordial in persona relationships.

 

It takes two to make or break a relationship

[fantasia2004]

So what everyone is telling me that Fantasia is being too rough when it comes to the relationships that she has with anyone.

 

That she truly lacks any sign of emotional intelligence and if she is not too careful all types of socializing with others whether intimate or platonic would become obsolete if she does not seriously change her ways of behavior.

 

That her choice of words are really uncalled for and demeaning and spiteful possibly

[avman]

I think you are putting words in everyone's mouth. If you scan back through everyone's posts nobody has said anything remotely like that.

[fantasia2004]

No I am not trying to put words in their mouth I am just trying to understand from different posts and gain a positive perspective hear on how I must learn to conduct myself inorder to avoid tempers flaring and hurting others without losing them totally.

 

This is a problem that has developed before I was cancer ridden and just became a little worse.

 

So I was hoping to see the points that people were trying to make

[avman]

However you have jumped to conclusions and you are missing the main points that people have been making. Someone telling you that you need to speak more diplomatically is not the same thing as telling you that you "lack any sign of emotional intelligence".

[fantasia2004]

Sorry.

 

Fine you have made your point.

 

Being diplomatic is not always easy when your adversary is more likely to test your faith and be unreasonable.

[fantasia2004]

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

 

Sometimes no matter how much you try to do that you still get bulldozed.