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How to be in the process of getting back together?....

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don't make him work for you without an equal amount of effort from you, and don't try to make him feel guilty or that he has to treat you extra special to make up for what he did. That will come back to bite you if you are not extremely careful.

games are a bad idea. That too can come back to bite you. If you play hard to get he may decide not to play - he did decide that once before.


I quoted this from Chai a while ago, I want to say that all the things above he has done, he apologized, he is not with the girl anymore and is maintaining contact, even more lately and invited me to watch a movie this Sunday....I am going to treat him as a friend as it is still early days, however I definietly feel ready to go out with him somewhere, not regurlalry but ocasionally. I dont want him or myself to rush into anything otherwise we will be worse off than before which I am trying to avoid.


I think I just answered my own question but more comments please! All appreciated

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I am going to treat him as a friend as it is still early days, however I definietly feel ready to go out with him somewhere, not regurlalry but ocasionally. I dont want him or myself to rush into anything


The first step is to determine what you want. If I were to guess, it would be that you want him back, but are guarded because he hurt you in the past. Is this an accurate assessment?

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yes, i want him back like but i am scared of being tricked again...thats why i want to take it slow.


ok he spooke to me yesterday, asking me if I was still wearing the bracelet he bought me about a week ago, says he was wearing something i bought him yesterday when i was speaking to him and reminisced on when he first met me and that he was so happy, said he still has all my letters from years ago and gifts...talked about where we used to go out, asked me for more photos of me....then thats when he asked me out to the cinema...


i know it all looks nice and sounds nice but do i need to over anaylze this??

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No i dont think a person can change that fast and I agree that eventually i will have to let my guard down, i know it will happen slowly but surely...time will tell where our future lies but it all depends on our future conversations and meetings...

on Sunday when I see him if he does decide to talk about reconstructing our relationship (dont know if thats an appropiate word but anyway) thats when I will be able to start rebuilding my trust back for him because I will know that he has a more mature outlook and is willing to work at our relationship...Hope I make sense

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The first quote was mine - let me explain a little further. Usually, when a relationship goes bad it has to do with things that both partners are doing, not just one. Not always, but mostly. Obviously the person who cheats is mostly to blame but you should always look at what led that person to cheat - you may have had something, no matter how small, to do with that. Maybe you didn't appreciate him enough, or disrespected him in some way, or whatever. That does not justify cheating but the problem needs to be addressed if you are to make a reconciliation work.


The problem with saying that he has to treat you extra special is that you throw the relationship out of balance. No matter how guilty he feels, I can guarantee that at some point he will get tired of feeling that way, tired of being the one making all the effort, tired of your attitude. Soon he will think you are taking advantage of his guilt and feel resentful. And that will corrode your relationship very fast.


Similarly, the problem with playing games is that you are putting on a false persona - the person that you are presenting to him is not really you. He may well see that you are trying to manipulate him into doing what you want and, again, people resent being manipulated. It is not a healthy way to conduct a relationship. Another major problem with games, is that nobody understands the rules and before you know it he starts playing his own games with you. Games playing, however well-intentioned, is inherently dishonest - you are trying to fool him, and often end up fooling yourself as well.


The absolute best way to manage a relationship is with honesty and openness. Negotiate and compromise, treat each other as equals and as equal partners in the relationship.

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ok i understand now, yea i dont want to appear false and I havent appeared like that to him which is good i guess but i have been hiding some of my feelings...


I totally agree that I have to look at the reasons why he went astray, I have done this many times, at first I blamed him even though deep down I knew part of ti was me too..

When we spoke a week ago for an hour it was mainly about what and where we went wrong and I got my answer.

I know I am changing things about myself that need changing, and I know he has to change things about himself too....

we both agreed on what went wrong, we just havent talked about our future plans and its early days which is understandable.


I was so gobsmacked when he started reminscing about when he first met me....it took me like 10mins before i replied it was so hard for me to just spontaneously reply with something like 'Oh those days were so nice, you looked so handsome, i wish it was the same now', instead I was like 'time has flown since then'... which after saying that, i thought it would have put him off, i think he understands why am alittle distant with my feelings afterall he did betray me but we wont go into that, thats the past.


In the convo when he asked me did I still have my bracelt on and I replied no and said I found it difficult to put on becasue it made me think of him when I knew it was over....he said he understood then went on to say how he had kept all the stuff i he gave him and was wearing an item of clothing I bought him...


Well I have to say I am pleased that he understood why I wasn't wearing the bracelet, well I hope he does.


I am worrying too much, which I dont need to be, after all i am in control of the situation...i need to chill...

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