Well, I thought I was tough enough this time, I guess not.

[boiler55126]

I woke up thursday morning and felt that all too familiar feeling again. Severe Depression. Yep, it happened again. I made a doctors appointment for Friday and talked to my supervisor and he told me to take the day off. I feel that I was a safety hazard to myself and everyone around me, and I was. Not thinking clearly at all, can't concentrate on anything, been throwing up in the morning frequently, not sleeping very much, not eating right. I have to do something. This has affected me not only mentally but physically as well. I thought I was tougher than this. This is the second time I've got this way over this woman, never had it happen before and I've had several serious long term relationships. I think the problem is that everytime she has left she just closes up like a clam on me and won't discuss much of anything with me, so I'm left to assume things and it just slowly eats away at me. That's all I need, something to better understand things and some closure so that I can move on. She's just not a very good communicator and so I sit here going over things in my mind until it gets the best of me. It's been 1 month now and I think there has been days that I've felt good but really it was just building up inside me. I didn't want to fall back on my friends or family this time because I've done that the other 2 times she left and I didn't feel like it was fair to them to keep pushing my problems onto them. I feel like I've been hit by a train. No energy, no motivation, no concentration, forgetful, you name it. I don't like being like this at all. I've never felt so rotten, rejected and utterly worthless in my life. I wish a plane would just crash into my house. Well I hope the doctor gives me the sleeping pills like he did the last time, those helped more than the anti-depressants. Hopefully I will only be on this for a month.

[brando]

i can identify how you feel, my ex is much the same, makes me wonder how she gets on in life..

 

one thing i learned is to watch your thoughts....they are only thoughts and you can decide to believe them or not....

 

 

hang in, it will get better

[chai714]

Boiler,

Many here have been in a similar position to you. If you can't sleep, working out is a good way to wear yourself out. If you're not hungry, and you're not eating, DRINK ENSURE. Try drinking 5 cans a day. It's a very good alternative for the time being, until you're able to eat regular meals again. Your body needs nutrition, and what you eat also affects your brain, which affects your thought process. It all goes together - your body needs exercise and nutrition, in order for your brain to perform at an optimum level. Believe it or not, exercise DOES help some with depression. Even if you think you're too depressed to work out, just get in the gym and watch people work out. Get your butt on a treadmill. You can think about anything you want, and work off those emotions. I've been there, and it does help. Good luck.

[Cassyniner]

Boiler--A big (((hug))) for you! I'm SO sorry you feel this way!!! I have been there done it too. What I have to say may be disagreed with, but it is only my opinion. I have never felt that couseling/medication is the answer for everyone. I was raised by a mom who believes in that very much--and after a while it just seems like so much BS to me. The "touchy-feely ultra sensitive" lifestyle isn't for everyone. Maybe I just hate my mom, or maybe my personality is more like my dad's, who died when I was young. His family is more down to earth, and like "pick yourself up and go on." (The Great Depression era farmers, life is hard, just do it and all that) That attitude feels way more empowering to me. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean and cry on, as we've all found sometimes it's just too much to keep going back to the "friends and family" well sometimes. This site is a great resource--use it!! The last time I had a bad break-up, I knew for a fact that I was clinically depressed, but had a huge issue with taking medicine for "feelings". It took me two years to figure it out, but I WAS able to talk myself out of it, and I could have done it sooner if I had only made the decision to so sooner. I made a conscious (SP) decision to try hard to stop feeling lousy. It feels stupid at first, but look at yourself in the mirror, and say nice things! You know the best things about yourself, who better to talk you up! Listen to Chai--take care of your body, it will take care of you back.Smile when you don't feel like it, smiling makes you feel better! It sounds trite maybe, but it does work...I am here going through another hard break-up six years after the last, but I feel like I'm making progress, I know the path, I just have to walk it again...One step at a time-

[russiansalsera]

Boiler,

BIG HUGS AND KISSES! Hang in there. I've been there... I'm kind of in there still. The first time I had depression was when I ran out from my abusive husband 2 years ago. We were together since I was 17 for 10 years. I met my next boyfriend shortly afterwords, and he professed love for me, and told me he saw me as his future companion, wife, and mother of his kids. Granted that I was still recovering from a painful abusive relationship and going through divorce, I had a lot of baggage, and he couldn't take it. Whatever his reasons are.. he left me 2 months ago. From wanting to marry me it went to being cold and unaffectionate to "we're not right for each other".

 

Now my heart is broken because I saw him as my soulmate, as my future spouse, and need to heal all this hurt.

 

My health is suffering just like yours, and my work is hard to get through. I'm barely hanging there.

 

HOWEVER, THERE WILL BE GOOD DAYS!!@! First there will be 1 good day to 7 bad days, then 2 to 7, then 3 to 7... then it'll be bad, but then it'll be reverse - 6 good days to 1 bad one in a week!!

 

I feel your pain. Use this board. It's helping me. We're all strangers for each othere here, but for some weird reason I feel the pain of all these people, and also feel that everyone here cares about each other. Probably because we all can relate to this experience of hurt.

 

Stay strong!! You'll be better soon, I promise!!

[hunterboyhun]

p.s.

after that plane's done with your place... send it on over to mine.

[ediefy]

I can also relate. My ex dumped me without any warning a little over a month ago. None of his friends (the ones I've talked to) understand it--things seemed very good with us. I still don't know quite what happened or why, and the lack of closure is difficult for me to handle, too. I left town for 9 days and visited friends on the west coast, but now I'm back and it just feels bad, knowing he's just a few miles away, choosing not to contact me (and yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of the day we met, too, which didn't help). I do talk therapy and also take anti-depressants. Both seem to help--the talk therapy piece makes me feel like I'm not constantly relying on my friends to listen to me whine about it--they've all been great, but enough's enough already.

 

I do feel more functional than I did at first, and can focus on work for a few hours each day. I try to get out of the house (I work at home) at least once a day to do something physical--go horseback riding, walk on the beach, am starting a yoga class this week. But it still sucks, and I hate waking up and remembering what has happened. It's a constant mystery, how he could be calling me "my love" one day and then sending me email with a breakup message a few days later. I don't know how anyone could treat another person with such a lack of compassion.

 

So, hang in there. Do try to eat--I found that for a while I could only eat chocolate milkshakes, so I just made them at home and tossed some protein powder in with the milk and ice cream. I'm still not back to eating quite right, but I think I'm getting back on track a bit. Still some hard days ahead, I know, and plenty of tears, but somehow, we all have to learn to accept loss and live with it and move on. What other choice do we really have? There was life before the person who hurt us, and there will be life afterwards. It just doesn't seem to get here soon enough, does it?

 

Take care.

[perseverance_rules]

I posted my story on another board and can say that its day 5 of my sadness, and I sit here and read all these other stories, and some of them dont pertain to me, but after awhile of reading them I start to think to myself...WOW, you are better than her, you treated her better than she treated you, so why the hurt?

 

I told myself long ago before I got with my ex that I was happy before I met her, and if anything made me upset with her or things didnt work out I would end it before it got bad...well I didnt end it when I should have, and now Im stuck thinking why.

 

Well I can answer that now...its because I loved her, and I thought that eventually she would have those same feelings and wouldnt treat me that way. But if you make your partner stay in a situation they dont want, eventually they will stray, and thats what happened. I know it and she knows it. There really was more bad than good in that relationship, I was just blind to that, but everyone else saw it, it usually happens that way dont it?

 

I love myself first, thats all we can do. Get to that point and you will realize that the decisions you make are for the best, and things that happen to you are happening for a reason.

 

My ex is pregnant with my baby, or so she says. Thats the only thing on my mind at this point,...so get over her, and I can get over this.

 

MUCH RESPECT TO YOU MAN. I have all of those feelings too! But really the people that love you would NOT want to hear those things from you....youre better than that I am sure!