what goes on in a place like this, Is this cheating?

[marthaceleb]

I have had a feeling now for awhile that my husband has been cheating on me. Now I have found out that he is calling a number, which is an adult massage place. which is the web address, which unfortunately I haven't had a chance to view for very long, only a quick view, (cannot get access often). It's certainly not your regular message. Does anyone know what really goes on in a place like this. Is this considered cheating?

I'm really upset, and do not know what to do. I have not confronted him yet, I'm not sure if I should right away.

[Day_Walker]

If the place has to deal with adult massage and he is going to this place and getting "happy endings" then I believe most people would consider this cheating.

[Jetta]

I do not know about those kind of places or what really goes on, but my experience is.... If you have a feeling someone is cheating on you then you are right. My 1st husband denies to this day ever having cheated on me. I know who she was by her guilt, and coworkers told me how suspecious their interactions were, in case I hadn't noticed on my own, not to mention missing condoms. So in my experiences your feelings are usually accurate when it comes to these things.

[Mr Meh]

Ask him how his "rub and tug" went..and see if he does this:

[marthaceleb]

i would love to confront him, but he will just deny it and tell me that I don't have any proof. He will definitely come up with some kind of excuse to get his way out of it. Not to mention that I would have to admit that I was snooping around his things and checking his phone bills etc.. and if I tell him that then maybe he'll be a little more careful.

[BellaDonna]

If it were me, I would have a trusted male relative or friend call or e-mail the place, or even walk in and ask what kind of "services" they can provide. Walking in may be the better option because they will probably be reluctant to give out detailed info via phone or e-mail (but they could be stupid enough to so you can try).

 

If there is anything sexual going on there (sorry to say it doesn't sound too hopeful) they will definitely tell a supposed "male client" if they think they can get his business. Is there a male friend or relative who would ask for you? They can pretend to be interested and ask, and of course not actually receive any "services".

 

There are many legitimate health spas out there- I often get massages, facials, and stone therpay at such places. But if he was actually calling a legit spa for his health he probably would have told you about it.

 

Again, I would find out more about the place first and then confront him.

 

Good luck to you,

 

BellaDonna

 

P.S. Don't worry about confronting him and being blamed for snooping in his things. Usually when we have a feeling someone is cheating, it's a good enough reason. You're his WIFE. Besides even if you did snoop, if he's cheating, the CHEATING is definitely the bigger crime. Snooping out of concern doesn't violate marriage vows, cheating does.

[RandomAdvisor]

I second BellaDonna's advice. Let us know how it goes.

[stressed1]

yep,

 

cheating, no other name for it, ok the emotional side might not always be there for a man, but still very much cheating. cheating takes many forms, but visiting a amassage parlour qulaifies as its deceitful, lacking in trust and respect, and is unconcerned about ur feelings to such matters, ur humiliation.

 

bottom line is, if he cant tell you openly about an activity, 100%, then its cheating or at very least deceitful.

 

could he tell you the details of this? no.

[marthaceleb]

"could he tell me details", not at all. I have had a feeling now for awhile that something was going on, and he swears to me that he hasn't done anything, and has even gone so far to suggest that I'm the one that is paranoid and insecure...many fights about this issue, but again he will never admit that he has done something like this, I would have to catch him the act, otherwise he will deny it until he dies...

[Mr Meh]

and has even gone so far to suggest that I'm the one that is paranoid and insecure

 

if you have valid reasons for the way you think and feel about this situation, don't let this one affect you - he's deflecting it back on you to make you feel confused. If this is legit, he shouldn't be acting evasive about it. Again if you have reasons to dis-believe him, make him prove you wrong; you can apologize if you are wrong, but he's manipulating you to let it go by trying to cast doubt on your reasons.

[marthaceleb]

I think that belladonna has the right idea here, unfortunately I don't know anyone that could possibly call there to find out all of these details for me.

I will try to find someone, but unfortunately all tof the men that I know also know my husband, so that won't work.

 

[BellaDonna]

Ok, if you don't know any men that can find out for you then there are some other options:

 

These will probably sound strange, but I think you can get your info this way:

 

1.) You can call from a payphone or go there and ask if women are allowed. Tell them you were thinking of getting a "gift for your boyfriend". Make them think you'rea bisexual swinger, ask if you can "come along". You might get answers.

 

2.) If they have an e-mail address, send an e-mail from a fake account which sounds like a man's name. In the e-mail ask if they have a website or brochure summarizing their "services".

 

Again, I think the best bet would be to go there and ask, because if something illegal is going on they won't want to disclose via phone or e-mail. (But people can also be quite STUPID sometimes so they might just give you the info over the phone) If you do go, bring a friend and be careful

 

I think you need proof so that your husband CAN'T say you're out of your mind. If he's lying and you present him with hard proof- all he can do then is choke on his words in shock, and perhaps beg for your forgiveness,

 

BellaDonna

[marthaceleb]

you certainly have a point BellaDonna. There is a website, but it's not very specific, and I'm willing to bet that if you have enough money there are probably a lot more "extras" you can get, again only an assumption, but I'm probably not too far from the truth.

[Mr Meh]

Just out of curiosity, could you pm me the website address?

[BellaDonna]

marthceleb,

 

I was going to ask you the same thing. You don't have to PM the address to me if you don't want to, but if you feel comfortable with doing so- I'd like to see it. You can probably tell a lot about the place just from the site.

 

BellaDonna

[OceanEyes]

I just saw the link (I had access to it because it was removed last week). They are "erotic massages" hun. It's pretty obvious to me from one quick look at this site that it's definitely offering more than a neck massage.

[Mr Meh]

Yeah, erotic massage is a good way of putting it. There is an unwritten rule that these kinds of places may cater to needs other than massage. Obviously they can't say anything but the whole thing kinda cries out "handjob"...Going by the scantily dressed and 'sensuous' girls on the website, the emphasis on discretion, the discussion of the possibility of police raids, and the waiting room with a satellite feed, i think it's safe to say it is "that kind of place". When I checked the link at work, the company firewall forbid me to enter. Of course the husband in question may just be going there because they do offer 3 kinds of oil and fluffy towels.

[marthaceleb]

thank you all for your opinions, and for checking the website for me. I need to think about what I'm going to do now. As I mentioned to BellaDonna in a pm message, "we" well more so me, were finally thinking of having children as we have been married for 12 yrs now, and my clock is ticking, and to find this out now is really devastating for me as I obviously have to put this idea on hold because I don't even know if I still want to continue this relationship. I don't really know how to handle this, it's just starting to sink in about waht he has done,or is still doing, and not to mention that this is all I have found out, who knows what else he might be doing.

[Hope75]

If he is getting erotic massages and not telling you (for obvious reasons) I would suspect other things as well, and I think you are smart to evaluate whether or not you even want to continue the relationship with that level of distrust.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this, and with 12 years of marriage under your belt.

 

It's a shame your husband did this to you. I don't think I'd be able to trust him, especially since in addition to getting handjobs at the erotic massage place he lied to you about it.

[marthaceleb]

well he's at it again.

Friday I notice that some money was missing from our account, $240.00. I asked him later that afternoon if he went anywhere, as I tried calling him at work in th afternoon, and he told me he dropped by at a clients place, as he is in sales. I checked his wallet later that night and sure enough all the money was missing from his wallet. It seems that he was gone for about 1 & 1/2 hrs or so, and wow was he in a great mood later on Friday, he even mentioned to me what a great day he had.

Now for those of you who actually saw the website, it seems that the going rate for an hour is approx $ 60.00-100.00, if I remember correctly, so he must be getting the royal treatment, unless of course he is actually seeing someone who works there and getting a really nice hotel room for $240.00.

Well I didn;t confront him as of yet. We had an argument about some other nonsense, and we didn't really talk much all weekend.

The fact that he would even argue with me and not want to talk to me all weekend after everything that he is doing, is just unbelievable. Now he's giving me the cold shoulder?????? Maybe is just guilt, I don't know...

So the situation really sucks. I still do not want to confront him right away, as he'll probably try to get his way out of it somehow, he's really quick with come backs, and he's never nervous, really cool all the time which really makes me sick and it's becoming very difficult tl put on a happy face...

I have to find a way to catch him in the act, that's the only way.

Problem is that we drive in together to work, so I cannot leave work to follow him....

 

What to do?

[Mr Meh]

Did you ask him about the money (ie what he did with $240) ?

Seems like it might be pretty hard to catch him lube-handed, but maybe a private investigator?

It seems like you are hesitant to bring it up because he'll lie and stop going\cover this tracks better and you'll never get proof?

Even a good liar may falter when confronted with the 'truth'. If you were to say: "I know you are going to &$#& for a massage, what else are you doing?", it may throw him off enough to make it obvious.

[Hope75]

Can you go to the massage place and find out if he has been there?

 

Maybe you can go in there and say that you want to buy him a gift certificate for his birthday and you think this is the place he goes, and you want to check?

 

Or call there and say you are his secretary and are calling to confirm an appt when them?

 

Skeevy, I know, but you seem unwilling to confront him face to face about this, maybe if you had more concrete proof you would feel more able to come out and confront him.

[BellaDonna]

Hey there. I'm sorry you're still going through this. You must be devastated.

 

 

It sounds like he's really disconnected himself from you and is taking you for granted badly.

 

Problem is that we drive in together to work, so I cannot leave work to follow him....

 

What to do?

 

All I can say is that this man had no problem wasting hundreds of dollars on cheap trills/legalized prostitution, so why not withdraw some money for you and hire a Private Investigator to follow him. If you think that's the only way you can confront him with confidence, then go for it. A PI will be able to get times, photos of his car, etc so there would be NOTHING he could say to get out of it then. And at this point I think spending the money on a PI is a better investment than the one he's been making with your money.

 

I truly hope your situation improves,

 

BellaDonna

[marthaceleb]

I think that if I try to call this place theat they will keep all names confidentila, if he's even using his real name..

 

If I do not have proof, he will talk his way out of it.. He'll come with something like, " I called to arrange something for a customer/client or for someone else, and the money, well he will make something up for that as well, maybe he had to make a purchase on the companies behalf.. he will definitely lie.

 

I think that belladonna is right, I need to get a private investigator. The problem is that he handles all of the financial matters and will certainly notice if I take out a lot of money. Right now I have him thinking that I don't even know how to view banking on line, so he thinks that he can remove money without me noticing...I guess I will have to try and remove money in smaller amounts. The other problem with hiring a private investigator is that you need to give them at least 24 hrs notice.

I usually don't know until "that" day, if I check the bank account and notice money missing, also, it seems that he's going to this place approx. once a month so it will be quite costly for someone to track him.. I inquired and it's approx. 65/hr + mileage + 45 for a video tape.

 

Once again this situation really sucks...the hardest part of course is putting a smile on my face and pretending that nothing is wrong.

 

Maybe some of the guys can answer this for me. When something like this goes on what is the guy thinking. I mean is there any feeling there at all, or do they think of these women as w hores and it just something that they need to do? Assuming that there isn't any intersourse, do men think that a Rub & tug is nothing because they're not involved with someone??? and they didn't have sex with them????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[BellaDonna]

The problem is that he handles all of the financial matters and will certainly notice if I take out a lot of money. Right now I have him thinking that I don't even know how to view banking on line, so he thinks that he can remove money without me noticing

 

You could remove money in smaller amounts like you said, or for a faster solution- open a credit card in just your name. Many credit cards will give you checks and cash advances.

 

The other problem with hiring a private investigator is that you need to give them at least 24 hrs notice.

I usually don't know until "that" day, if I check the bank account and notice money missing

 

Observe the behavior for a little longer and see if you notice a pattern to it. Is the withdrawal on a particular day of the week? Is it right after he gets his paycheck? I know that the "massage attendants" (prostitutes) posted their schedules on the website- so if he's seeing a one consistently- he might be going on a particular day of the week.

 

It seems like he feels like he can get away with it because he has control of the money, and also knows where you are- since he takes you to work.

How about you check online for withdrawals, and the next day, let him take you to work- but leave early with a friend in their vehicle and see where he goes.

 

BellaDonna