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Female commitmentphobia story...classic example??

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Thought this information belonged in this forum for anyone looking for a classic female commitment phobia/issues story.


We had been dating for a month and I waited before getting her into bed...because I wanted to do it "right". Anyway, that first night, before we had sex she dumps this revelation on me: btw…"screw" has been inserted for another word starting with the letter F.


"Jon, I am so scared...I like you so much...and I don't want to do anything to screw this up...now we are going to start sleeping together and we are taking it to the next level and I'm just scared that I'll end up screwing this up and I dont want to....I've screwed up every relationship I've ever had, I've never been faithful to anyone I've been with, I have commitment issues, a wandering eye, and a huge jealous streak...I want so badly not to screw this up with you because I like you so much."


I didnt know how to take this at the time, so I just said "then let's not screw it up"...so we agreed that we really liked each other and would continue. I didnt know anything about stuff like commitment phobia and fear of intimacy at the time..nothing at all. Had I known, I might have acted very differently toward her, or might even have run for the hills! I had already fallen for her so I just took the "wait and see". It was apparent how much she was into me. So I thought that I was bigger than her issues and she just had never had a great guy like me in her life (some truth to that too). But our relationship blossomed and was getting better and better right up until the end. It wasn't until after she pushed me away the whole "CP" thing started to become apparent to me. It was almost as though she had a "self fulfilling prophecy" about things. She knew that despite how much she cared about me, despite how good the relationship was, she was going to "screw it up". I don't understand these people. However, this revelation above has done alot to make me keep my sanity and explain her strange behavior.


Anyway, here's my summary in a nutshell. Tell me your thoughts.


4 months nearly perfect blissful dating, getting better and better, moving towards intimacy.


Ex gets scared, freaks out, probably cheated on me,(not 100% for sure, yet likely given her past history and her issues), and pushes me away on Valentines Day of all days! Did it to me over the phone too..at work.

(She has lots of self issues ...low self esteem,insecurity,jealousy, intimacy fears,commitment issues)


She called me again Valentines Day night...I waited a full week to return that call. When we talked, we talked for over an hour.


We talked about how good we were together but she was insistent on not wanting a relationship and how she was better off alone...etc..etc...all about her....she praised me up one side, down the other. I asked her point blank if there was anyone else and she assured me there wasn't. In fact, she told me "there isn't anyone I want to give my number to, or anyone's number I want to have" I'm sure she was telling me the truth, or she wouldn't have kept me on the phone as long as she did. She should have told me that she couldn't handle relationships, rather than not wanting one.

It was weird because she acted as if the only thing that had changed between us was that we weren't dating or sleeping together anymore. She mentioned that she would have no problem hanging out with me or meeting me out for drinks…etc…etc….Was she that naïve to think I was going to keep her involved in my life as a friend just because I'm a "nice" guy? Wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to go down the "friendship" path with her due to wanting to preserve the chance for reunion in the future.


I didnt beg, plead, grovel, or chase her to try and come back. Vowed not to call her. Told her I understand that she has issues, told her not to write me off because someday she might want someone special in her life.


5 days later she's calling me and not leaving messages like 4 out of 5 nights (so she wasnt with anyone)....I'm remaining distant and blowing her off basically. Talked briefly one of those nights, nothing heavy. Wanting to make myself unavailable, mystery, challenge..etc..etc.


Her birthday comes a few days later...I send her a book with some nice sentiment written in it...and a small bouqet of flowers...she wanted to come to the bar where I worked that night just to say Hi. I let her know it wasnt a good idea...would have been very awkward. I got the feeling she wanted to save face among my friends because she weirded me out by asking me about a few female friends of mine she had met through me, hinting that she wanted to hang out with them. This angered me because those people are MY friends, not hers, and after how she flaked out me, those friends were like "screw her, she doesn't deserve you". So she was alone all those nights she was calling me.


Talked 2 more times later in that week...I think she was having 2nd thoughts but she never came out and said that...and I wasn't going to ask or push her in anyway by talking about "us". She told me she would call me "later in the week" after I told her I wouldn't mind seeing her. At that point I was all for a face to face meeting to get my feelings out to her.


It was at this point I started reading stuff about "no contact" and commitment phobia, and really started digging into her behavior and psyche. Believe me, I probably qualify for a degree in psychology after the past few months!


She called me 2 weeks later....both phones, no messages...

Then again the same thing the next weekend......this was late March.


Sent her a card with a heartfelt note in it first week of April....nothing really sappy but definitely very deep...just had to get some of my feelings out there. Again, not begging her to call me or to get back with me. Basically let her know that I'm here for her and that I care..blah blah blah..It was a great note! NO RESPONSE, probably pushed her farther away (she has emotional issues, remember?)


April passes...I send her a card for Jewish holiday Passover...NO RESPONSE


Got some blocked calls on my cell phone in April and early May though..weird.


Anyway....I then vowed no more cards or anything and started concentrating on getting past her, so I gradually got pissed at her and started to obsess less and less. Vowed absolute NO CONTACT.


So it's been a month of NO CONTACT...no cards, emails, phone..etc..etc....


She runs into friends of mine out Friday night....they talk me up, but don't reveal too much about what I've been doing.


SHE CALLED ME TWICE THIS PAST SUNDAY ON MY HOME AND CELL PHONES.....NO MESSAGES AGAIN! So it just goes to show that you have to have patience and let time work it's magic. Perhaps she is missing me and wants to reestablish contact, For what reason? I have no idea. I'd like to think she is finally getting around to realizing how stupid her actions were and she feels guilty and remorseful about pushing a good man away. Everything with us was positive and she really doesn't have any "bad" memories of me, so I'm optimistic.


Anyway, do I want her back? Not really on that one at this point. I want the OPTION of having her back, I do know that, and I'm elated that SHE was the one who picked up that phone and attempted to contact ME, rather than the other way around. We'll see what happens next on this.... I will not call her until she leaves a message or calls me a couple of more times without leaving messages. If she's curiou about what I'm up to, then let her get all the more curious the more she doesnt hear from me. I want her wondering how I'm doing and wondering if she still has me "on the hook". This stuff really does work, provided the other person desires the contact and still has feelings. If your relationship have run it's course, of it was a case of a really nasty break up, abuse, infidelity..etc..etc....then NC isn't going to do jack to get your ex back. But you must use it to heal in that case too.

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Your post was exhausting to read (not that it wasn't a good read!). Aren't you exhausted in real life with this cat-and-mouse chase? All this analyzing and pondering and wondering what she is going to do and what you are going to do next??

I'm not cutting you down; I did it myself with someone I thought I loved. And it wasted my time because the person didn't know what he wanted and wasn't sure if I was the one he wanted in his life. He had commitment-phobe issues too, but it wasn't my job in life to fix it and I just accepted the reality of situation. It isn't yours either with this girl. It's sad, because I know how much you want this to work. But the best thing you can do for yourself is to let it go.

Put your time and attention back into your own life.

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Thanks for the post Michelle. That's what I'm pretty much doing...letting it go. It's hard, but I've accepted the reality of the situation for the most part. Our paths will cross again and I know she will call me again as well.


Yes, very exhausting, all the pondering, but it's also kind of healing too.


Nothing I can do about it, she's the way she is. I only wish she wouldn't have sucked me into it because I didnt deserve that kind of treatment.

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