What ifs

[overtheedge]

What if I am handling this all wrong? She said the spark is gone. She said she's not in love with me anymore. She said her way of thinking about her feelings has changed. I had shortcomings. I can admit to all of them, but I cannot justify not trying to work things out.

 

She said she needs to be wooed. I know I stopped doing that. Would it be wrong of me to try now? The no contact phase is done. We've started talking a couple of times a week. What if she wants me to chase her? What if she want me to try and win her back or convince her? I told her I would change, but she said she didn't want me to change because of her.

 

Everyone says that there is nothing you can say to bring them back, but what if there is something you can say to trigger past emotions? What if being completely open with her is one of the ways you can show her you've changed? What if showing her how you feel could have the same effect? What if it has the opposite effect? What if she wrote a love letter 6 weeks before the breakup, promising her un-dying love, no matter what life brought us? What if she was convinced that she was feeling a certain way by her mother? What if we both live with regret for the rest of our lives? What if it is only me who lives with this regret? What if I don't try? What if I give up? Giving up seems so much easier than rebuilding. What if when we talk it still feels the same?

 

What if there is still an obvious connection? What if it took almost 4 years for the spark to leave? What if you spent the last 6 months not caring that the spark was gone, but accepting that the love was true?

 

All I know is that I will regret it if I do not lay everything down on the table. No expectations, no games, and no rules. I am going to tell her to listen to me with an open mind and to seriously think about what I have to say. I will not give her a timeline or tell her that she has to make up her mind. I will just let her know exactly how I see the situation and how I feel about it. At least I will not be letting her walk away without knowing and at least I will not have any regrets.

[fIIsion]

What advice can I give you, your situation is very much like my own, 6 years then she tells me the spark is gone, as is the romance.

 

Let me tell you something, I thought of all the what if's, but I realised over time that I wasn't soley to blame. Sure I took her for granted, but she also took me for granted, in long term relationships, people generally get comfortable with one another.

If she told me how she was feeling, we could of sat down and tried to work things out, but she didn't, just kept her feelings to herself, then one day out of the blue..........i don't love you anymore!

 

I told her how much I loved her, how I could see where things went wrong, took some of the blame for myself, asked for a second chance, she said no.

 

I can't understand after 6 years, this girl who supposedly loved me so much, just wants to walk away and not try again.

She is even talking about how hard it is going to be to find someone else.

 

My ex doesn't appriecate true love, thinks love is all about romance, does'nt realise that relationships take hard work and effort.

 

Let them go find their romance and see what life is really about.

[The_Doc]

Don't chase... if she wants you back she will make it clear and should do if she ended the relationship... playing games, flirting etc etc will not do. She has to reach out.

 

As for her letter?? Well try a declaration of love 10 hours before she tells you that she is not 'in' love with you anymore. Try a sensual kiss in the rain from her 12 hours before and wedding dress window shopping 2 weeks before that!

 

There is no logic to it and you will only go mad trying to find one. I spent the last 9 weeks over analysing every word, the tone of her voice, the things she said and more often 'didn't say' looking for a glimmer of hope. It was never there -- I realise that now, I was seeing what I wanted to see because I couldn't accept what she had done. The point is maybe we may never know the real reasons why, or why they did what they did, when they did.

 

All you can do is focus on looking after yourself, believing in yourself and trying however hard it is to put one foot in front of the other, every morning, every day and every night.

[Mun]

She said she needs to be wooed. I know I stopped doing that. Would it be wrong of me to try now? The no contact phase is done. We've started talking a couple of times a week. ....

 

Did she tell you these things after the break up?

 

I told her I would change, but she said she didn't want me to change because of her.

 

I would dare say this part is a lie. Of course she wished you'd changed, she just told you that this was what made her break up with you. If you'd changed she would have stayed with you.

 

Ok, so the NC period is over and now you are talking again. What is the mood of those conversations? I think you should not tell her you will change, send her a love letter or any other thing that involves saying something. Showing is better than telling at this point, but I don't know if you're there yet.

[overtheedge]

I am aware of what I did wrong and last week I let her know what she did wrong. I didn't feel like it was healthy for me to be taking all of the blame.

 

I think she has developed a very romantisized view of true love and I think that a lot of that is due to her mom. Her mom never wanted us to get so serious at such a young age because she was married at 21 to her first love and things didn't work out. She is now re-married and I'm assuming that the spark is still in their relationship. Her mom is a bit of a know it all and is very influential in my ex's life. I know this wasn't the entire problem, but it did contribute.

 

The way I see it, everything was preventable and my mistakes will not be repeated.

[overtheedge]

She said she needs to be wooed. I know I stopped doing that. Would it be wrong of me to try now? The no contact phase is done. We've started talking a couple of times a week. ....

 

Did she tell you these things after the break up?

 

Yeah she told me these things while she was breaking up with me. She was very honest, at least I think she was. She basically told me everything about me that she didn't like. I can talk to her normally now, without any negative emotions, but I still feel like there's more I can do. She's the type of person who appreciates honesty.

 

The last time I talked to her, I kind of turned the tables on her and told her everything that she did wrong in the relationship as well. It hurt her, but I decided that it's not my job to protect her feelings anymore.

 

As of right now, she thinks that I am no longer interested in her, which is somewhat true. I want the person she used to be. That's why I told her how much she had changed. I guess I'll just have to show her how much I've changed and hope for the best.