Worried about BF - and me!

[iheartNY79]

Hi everyone...well I will sum this up as best I can. I have been with my BF almost 2 years. He is 28, I am 25. He is pretty unstable right now, in terms of his finances, his family (he barely talks to either of his parents). He has a GREAT job and is incredibly talented, but lately it seems like he is really down. He has a considerable amount of debt, which he is attempting to fix, and will probably be clear in about 2 years, however little things keep popping up unexpectadly (his car battery needed to be replaced, etc). He feels like he takes 1 step forward and 2 steps back. He had his yearly review for his job this week and didn't get as much as he expected, nor the promotion he is deserving of. He was almost counting on a considerable raise to get him by. He works part-time on the side as well. Here's my problem - while I have my share of debt, it is under control and I still manage to afford things and am able to have fun without worrying. I have a great job, great friends (my BF only has a few close friends, nothing like my network of friends I can call at any time), I have a great family, my parents are still married, etc. I am a VERY optimistic person by nature, and have helped my BF get thru some rough times. Lately, though, it seems like he isn't excited about anything. We are going on vacation next month and I am so excited for it. Last week I asked if he was excited and he said, "I'm sorry, I can't get excited about much right now." UGH! I have always been the type of person to get really psyched for things, and to not have him share that enthusiasm with me really brings me down. I want to see him happy, but I feel like I am fighting a losing battle right now. We have a great time together, but I know his head is always someplace else. He feels like there's always something, and I know he is unhappy with where he is at 28. I try to be optimistic, but his cynicism doesn't let me get very far. Don't get me wrong, he is a GREAT person and I know in my heart we will get thru this - but is there any advice for helping me deal with HIS feelings? I don't want this to come between us, I want to be there for him but I have no idea how!! He gets upset at really small things and says with everyone else letting him down he might put more pressure on me and expect more of me because I am his girlfriend. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by this!!! Any thoughts?! Thanks!!

[jasminebose]

Sounds to me that he is depressed about the difference between where he is in life and where he saw himself being in life by this age.

I think the best thing you can do is to build him up as much as you can and reassure him that he will get there and is not a failure (obviously without using the word failure...)

I think a lot of guys self esteem is based largely on their career and how much they are achieving. He wants to make you, his family and himself proud and maybe feels like he is not doing that. i think just be his cheerleader as much as you can! Sounds like you are doing a good job at it already. The vacation might help too and doing more fun stuff to take his mind off his worries as much as possibel. Can relate to this post as my husband gets really down when things aren't going right in his job/with money/security issues.

Hope it helps,

JZ

[iheartNY79]

thank you sooooooooooooooooo much! i think that is exactly what i needed to hear. I really am his biggest cheerleader, but that is a tough job!!! When nothing else seems to be going right, that is a lot of pressure on 1 person to be 100% there for someone. He's admitted that he expects "more" out of me, but I don't take that in a bad way, in fact, I'm honored by that. It just hurts when I feel like I let him down. Because he is somewhat depressed, the little things that most of us forget about or let slip, really affect him and just add icing to the cake of things that are going wrong. It has been a learning experience and i have grown so much more mature since we've been together. you're right, i think the vacation is just what he needs, and even though he can't get psyched up for it yet, once it's a reality i think he may let loose. It will be great....well, i will follow up as things progress...thanks again!!