Liquidius Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 I thought everything was going well for me and my ex. We were getting on well as friends - he told me we split up beacuse of my depression which I was working on. I was really upset today, and needed someone to talk to. I knew he had the afternoon off, and asked if we could do something to take my mind off how terrible im feeling. But he told me he was too "busy having the afternoon off", but I could talk to him on the phone if I like. I'm so upset, I was sacrificing my day tomorrow to help him out, but if he can't be bothered with me then why should I? Today he's changed his mind. He split up with me because he "fell out of love" with me. He hurt me so much that he wouldnt help me out as a mate because I was upset, when he said he'd always be there for me. I would always help him, or any of my friends out. I just stormed off saying that I didnt want to be friends with someone with so little regard for my feelings. After all of this, he's still begging me to be friends with me. What the hell does he want? He isnt there to support me as a friend, but expects me to stick around and work on a friendship? If he wanted to end the relationship why would he so desperately want to be friends with me? Link to comment
punchy504 Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 it seems odd that you would expect him to be your support system for your depression, I find that inappropriate and I am sure he feels it as overwhelming too. your issues are yours to work on, not his to fix, maybe you should concentrate more on finding a support group or counselor or participating in activities that make you feel good about yourself Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 15, 2005 Author Share Posted June 15, 2005 I already do - but he was the one that insisted that I spoke to him if I needed someone to talk to. Link to comment
socalguy123 Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 you don't have to take every word of his as the font of wisdom. just because my ex insisted to me that if i EVER needed anything, give her a call, doesn't mean i call her. i mean, i know she means well, and i'm sure your ex does too. but that doesn't mean just because they offered, we should take them up on that offer--it's just not necessarily what's good for us... Link to comment
RayKay Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 It is cases like this where limiting contact before becoming friends (if at all) is often necessary. It is necessary right now for you both to heal, rediscover yourselfs as people and before defining what a friendship means to both of you. Quite likely, you may have different ideas of what it should be like. Maybe time gave him a chance to figure out his real feelings, or maybe he always knew the reason he broke it off but was concerned about your feelings. He cannot be your support system, it cannot rely on one person, and it mostly has to come from yourself. Even when he said he would be there, it did not mean he could always be there, nor did he know what that might mean to you. You need to move on and rebuild without him as a central role in your life and your healing, he cannot be the one you rely on for help. No one should be your sole source of help. Sometimes ex's promise to be friends to not hurt us, but we take advantage of that and expect too much from it. If he had been a "regular friend" would you have gotten so upset? Likely not - which is why I think you need time apart from him to heal...the feelings are still too strong there. Link to comment
PB Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 I already do - but he was the one that insisted that I spoke to him if I needed someone to talk to. Liquidius. I hate that you are experiencing more pain about all of this. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. It's much easier to say, "I'll always be there for you.", than to always be there for you. I'm in agreement with some of the previous posts. It's very difficult to rely on your "ex" as your support mechanism during down times--even if you were the greatest of friends. It just puts too much pressure on both of you. If he wanted to end the relationship why would he so desperately want to be friends with me? Maybe he likes having someone around like you who will "...always help him, or any of my friends out." But he probably doesn't like the fact that you seem to attach strings to your "giving". You expect your sacrifice to be reciprocated (which no longer makes it a sacrifice, does it? ) Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 15, 2005 Author Share Posted June 15, 2005 Thanks guys. I can see how irrational i'm being - stupid depression. I'm just having a really bad bad day. Thanks for your advice though, you're all right. Perhaps I'll be able to think before opening my mouth next time. Link to comment
marysville08 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 it seems odd that you would expect him to be your support system for your depression, I find that inappropriate and I am sure he feels it as overwhelming too. your issues are yours to work on, not his to fix, maybe you should concentrate more on finding a support group or counselor or participating in activities that make you feel good about yourself It is not odd or inappropriate to expect a friend to help you. That is what friends are for, that is what you are supposed to do for a friend. She is right about the fact that you should work on your problems but he as a friend should help and support you. If he cant support u he's not a good friend. Link to comment
punchy504 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 he is too close to the situation to support her, wouldn't be good for him, wouldn't be healthy for her Link to comment
marysville08 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 sorry i just dont agree. Friends are supposed to help eachother almost like a relationship., i just think u should tell him that if he cant support u as a friend, hes not a friend Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 It is not odd or inappropriate to expect a friend to help you. That is what friends are for, that is what you are supposed to do for a friend. She is right about the fact that you should work on your problems but he as a friend should help and support you. If he cant support u he's not a good friend. He wants to be friends with me and I wanted some help, and since our little argument, I've made it perfectly clear to him that if he isnt going to give as much for me as any of his other friends he can bugger off. I told him to stop playing pathetic little games with me, texting me being all friendly one moment, and the next ignoring me - I told him I DO NOT want him back, even though he dumped me, but I'd like him as a friend. His games are annoying and upsetting and they are the reason I wouldn't want him back right now. He dumped me btw. Of course he denied all charges and hung up on me... However, he did text me randomly today, for no reason. Just making general conversation and being nice. Im so confused. Link to comment
RayKay Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Right, but when you broke up did he not say the depression was part of the reason....you coming to him with that won't improve things. I think maybe YOUR problems got to be too much for him, maybe that dependence is why he is no longer "in love" with you. You need to be able to go elsewhere if he can't help you. I learned that lesson with an ex once, when I was upset he told me outright - "I can't help you with this, you need to talk to someone else as I am not the best person to help you right now". And he was right, though it hurt to hear it! Yes friends are there to help, but an ex is more than just a "friend" when the breakup is still fresh. Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 Ok, fair point. I can understand that - and I am having professional help, and its helping. But he said I could talk to him, and I did. I really needed to talk to someone, and there really wasn't anyone else available at the time. Believe me, he was the last resort. I just don't understand, it makes me so angry that he says he'll have the time, and doesnt. After arguing yesterday, I'd usually phone him back and make up but yesterday I didnt. I felt completely let down. And then he texts me today, a friendly text, about nothing in particular? I'm so confused - he wants to be friends with me, but wont help me when I really need it. So I offer not to be friends, and he still wants to be! >. Link to comment
marysville08 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 good job! I'm proud of you. Link to comment
socalguy123 Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 When in doubt, remember "When Harry Met Sally"? I don't think men and women can ever be friends, if there was any type of attraction between them... Link to comment
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