Loneliness

[ediefy]

I've been reading forums here for a few weeks--ever since I got dumped by my boyfriend of the past two years. He has commitment issues (not that I was looking for marriage or even living together), and, when things felt too good, he tended to freak out and flee. So, that's been hard, because when we were together, we got along really well and had tons in common. (We're both in our 50s.)

 

I moved up near where he lives a few months ago, mostly because I wanted to be near the ocean and good horseback riding, but it didn't hurt that we lived a lot closer than we used to. I love the house I bought up there, and want to stay there and make a life for myself without him.

 

But I realize the extent to which loneliness made me stay with him longer than I should have. I loved him, but I am finding that a big piece of what I'm mourning is that I have not had the kind of normal partnership relationships with men for the past 20 years or so. Back in college and grad school, I had pretty normal relationships that lasted a few years or more. Then I got involved with a man for 11 years who was kind of unstable--we lived together until I finally kicked him out because he was cheating on me. After that, I stayed alone for about 4 years, then had two shortish relationships with men who just disappeared. Then this most recent guy, who came on like gangbusters and then backed off as soon as I decided he seemed like a good bet.

 

The bottom line is that I've spent a lot of the past 10 years alone, without a partner with whom I can do all the things couples do--have other couples over to dinner, travel together, hang out, ignore each other, talk about what to have for dinner, make love, hug, etc. I want to change this pattern of bad choices and being alone. I'm 50 years old, in great shape, good-looking, smart, accomplished, I have my own money, I'm pretty optimistic a lot of the time (not the past month, but that's situational). Why can't I spot the guys who are so wounded that it'll just never work out?

 

I've been reading up on commitment-phobes, and feel like I have a pretty good understanding of my role in this. But now I live in a new town, and the only people I know are his friends, so I've got to start all over again, building a life from the ground up.

 

Does anyone out there have any kind of similar experience that they managed to turn around into a fulfilling and happy life? I'm really not a sad person, I have a lot of good energy, a generous heart, and good friends who, unfortunately, all live pretty far away. Can anyone help me get through this loneliness and on to a good life, filled with love and joy?

[CarterJonas]

I haven't been in your exact position but all you can do is persevere. I have always believed that life is a cycle that has it's good times as well as it's bad times.

 

I found that joining a (cycling / soccer) club helped expand my circle of friends, but it could be anything that you like. Another way of making friends is through work; could be even volunteer work if you don't / can't work full time. And, finally!, another option would be to hit a bar / club. Although daunting at first, you are bound to meet people there who you can talk to.

 

best of luck to you

[catgirl82]

i think the fact that you can acknowledge how great you and everything you have going for you is definetly a step in the right direction. remember nobody can love you until you love yourself.

 

you have to want to feel better in order to feel better. it sounds like you do. you know that sitting around thinking about lonliness is only going to make you feel much much worse. so i would suggest putting yourself out there, meeting new people, trying new things!! you need to just get out of this rut you seem to have found yourself in. weve all been in ruts before, some much bigger than others.

 

sometimes i think people have a hard time feeling better because they are too sad/lonely to make the first step. but you need to push yourself to make the first step, and the good feelings will surely follow. this is your life, and you only live once, so take charge, its NEVER too late to find happiness and you sound like a wonderful person who will find it soon.

[ediefy]

Wow. You folks are great. Really great.

 

I am going to do whatever I can to move ahead with as much positive energy as I can generate. To mend my broken heart, I'm on a wonderful horseback riding trip down the coast of Northern California this week (they have wireless access at the inn where I'm staying). After that, it'll be full steam ahead.

 

I'm dreading going home a little, though, because I have yet to go through the 1) running into him at the supermarket and 2) running into him at the supermarket with whatever new woman he starts dating. But I am not going to let him own the town--it's my new home, and I'll just have to tough it out if I see him (it's been over a month since I last saw him--when we were still together--he broke up with me via email and over the phone, briefly). So, it's kind of like knowing there's a root canal in my future, but not knowing when it'll happen. But I'll get through those two things, ball my eyes out for a few days, and move on.

 

Thanks a million. This is such a great forum.