Fear of Abandonment

[Luciana]

My relationship of almost 7 years with my fiance is full of stories of him breaking up with me or threatening to leave. I would always try to patch things up and he would stay with me.

Additionally, I was the one who suggested commitment, living together, asked for a ring and asked for marriage. I think if it depended on him we would still be dating.

ANyhow, I developed with him a FEAR OF ABANDONMENT which I never had before. My father was always there for me, a present father, my ex-husband never left me or cheated or threatened to leave.

This fear started with this present relationship. I get paranoid if I know I won't see him for an extended period of time. I freak out every time he travels without me, I get anxious when he doesn't call me right away, etc.

Does anyone know about fear of abandonment in the context of a relationship (it is more common in children)?

[sonjam]

This fear is quite common among adults, but usually it stems from an insecurity. He's either making you emotionally dependent on him (very easy to do this in very subtle ways), or you have an insecurity in yourself that you need to address.

 

D you think it might be any one of these?

[annie24]

I think if it depended on him we would still be dating

 

Is this really the way you want to start a marriage? Maybe this is the where your fear comes from - that you feel if you didn't push, he wouldn't have "proposed" to you.

 

Are you sure that this is the relationship you want to be in the rest of your life? Not all men have commitment issues or need to be pressured to buy a ring. Many men do such things willingly and happily.

[RayKay]

Well Luciana, I think you already know maybe how I already feel about this relationship from what you have posted but I'll take a stab at this anyway.

 

I think from my own experiences a fear of abandonment arises either due to insecurity or for a REASON. My last relationship I did have a fear of abandonment because...I knew he was not as into me as I was into him! I knew he did not see me as the one. He loved me, but he was not 'in love' with me. I felt that vibe, and as I felt the vibe, I tried to hold on more, and my fears of abandonment increased. I did not fear him cheating, or when he was away - not at all, I just feared the day he would tell me "this is not working for me anymore".

 

Maybe the fact that he has left so many times, does not even tell you he loves you, and that you had to basically give him an ultimatum by leaving to marry you, that you feel that he is liable to leave you. The man you love should make it VERY clear he is absolutely in love with you and will if need be will be willing to walk over coals to committ to you.

 

Maybe there is GOOD reason you are feeling this way. Honestly is this how you believe a relationship should feel like? Given all the other things you have said about him in posts, is this really how you want to live the next 30 years of your life - in uncertainity and frustration?

 

When is the wedding?

 

Honey, I fear that things are NOT going to change after the wedding. Maybe you are seeking security with that ring, but I really don't think you are going to find it so "easily".

[Luciana]

We are in couples' therapy, which is proving beneficial not because the therapist is helping us (she barely speaks) but because it gives us a neutral ground to discusss our issues.

he told the therapist and me that he loves me and WANTS to marry me, that he made this decision and won't walk away from it. it was reassuring to hear that because this man was EXTREMELY commitment phobic due to a wife that cheated more than once and took half of his money. SOmeone he was wonderful to and gave so much and loved intensely and wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

 

Now he wants a prenup before the wedding. As much as I hate that thought (he has a lot more assets than I do right now) he made it clear that is a dealbreaker. So now I have to find a lawyer.

 

Why did he wait so long to talk about this??? I had to send the invitations and now I can't! The wedding is July 23! I am sure there will be negotiations with this damn contract (don't lawyers just love them...they make thousands) and it can take weeks, not days!

[Mun]

If you have abondonment issues now. They are going to remain as long as he doesn't bring you that sense of security. I can see why his behavior would cause these fears on you.

 

I'll give you another warning. The way he has behaved throughtout your relationship is most likely the way he will behave after you are married. Or worst...because then he will KNOW you aren't going anywhere. Be sure you know YOU want to be married to him.

 

Glad you all are in therapy, but I just see so many red flags about starting the marriage and already being in couples counseling. Sure it's a good idea, maybe even a good idea for anyone getting married ...but damn! what does that say about your relationship.

 

If you still want to marry him then sign the prenup. You got nothing to lose.

 

Last: Luciana... Does this man really make you happy?

[Luciana]

He makes me happy most of the time but he can make me very furious too. He is stubborn and hard headed, but so am I. He is just not a mellow guy like my ex-huband was, but he is incredibly positive about life and nothing seems impossible for him. He has drive and is very intelligent and resourceful. Guys like this are usually also more self centered, but he really does seem to love me.

he is jumping with joy that I did not oppose the pre-nup. it seems that that helped him make a decision to marry me. Too bad.

[RayKay]

Okay I hate to say this, but that whole last post just sounds HORRIBLE.

 

You should not be going into this marriage knowing it will BE EASIER to leave him if you do. Having the idea that you NEED his income is just terrible - what happened to the "independent woman" you say you were raised as?

 

Not only that, but NOT every guy who is positive about life, and intelligent, motivated are self centered...in fact I would say that most who are positive about life, realize the importance of people in them.

 

I just do not understand, and maybe never will, why you are choosing to marry him given ALL of this, given his actions, given your feelings, given HIS feelings, given his reluctance overall to get married to you, about his lack of willing commitment, given these insecurities....I honestly don't think I ever WILL understand. Yes I know you love him, but it takes more than your love to make it work....

[Luciana]

His resistance is easily explained: his ex-wife who he loved dearly screwed him about marriage and commitment. He became very bitter and decided that he would only marry again if he were 100% sure. always Meanwhile I got angrier as time went by too. But we somehow survived all that.

He has been very good to me too, and to my daughters.

I am self sufficient. Life will be more difficult but I have friends, good family and know that another good man is just around the corner waiting for me.

[Mun]

Going into the marriage because you depend on his income for any reason is not a good idea. I know this is going to sound terrible, but he will OWN you...do you understand that? Nobody should ever have that much hold on your life...it keeps you at their mercy.

 

You can always find ways to supplement your income, getting married to do so is a bad idea in my opinion. I think maybe you want to get back in $$ what you have invested in time ?

[annie24]

Yes, I am in very strong agreement with Muneca and RayKay. There is an old Scottish proverb: "Never marry for money, it is cheaper to borrow."

 

I too, don't think this fear of abandonment will disappear once the ring is put on your finger. I think that fear is there for a good reason.

 

If it is worth it to you, to get married to a man you have a semi-satisfying relationship with so you can get your nails done, drive a nicer car, have a plasma TV, then go ahead I guess....