When to clarify the nature of our relationship?

[Shonan]

Hi! I have what I think is a somewhat unique situation. I've been seeing a man for about two months-- we're both in our 40s, and we have confirmed that we're both looking for a long term relationship. He lives a couple hundred miles away, and he has come to stay with me twice for extended visits, with a third visit already planned-- between the two visits, we have spent nearly 24 hours a day together over about 16 days. So I suppose it could be looked at as either two dates or 16 dates, depending on your perspective. 😀

Over that time, we have hung out, talked, laughed, WFH in close proximity, watched movies, gone out, and told childhood and other personal stories. We are very relaxed and comfortable around each other, and very affectionate. We know the names of the important people in each other's lives, he texts me (without my asking) while he's hanging out with friends to tell me what they're up to or that he's thinking about me, and I have video chatted with his mom. 

All that to say, I don't know yet the nature of our relationship. I have very strong feelings for him, and I believe I am falling in love. He seems pretty smitten with me. We're both still on the dating app where we met, but my account has been paused since we made plans for his first visit-- I don't know if his is paused or not. I'd really like to ask what he considers our relationship to be, and/or if he'd be open to deleting the app, but we've only been seeing each other a couple months. But like I said, we've spent more than two weeks actually IN each other's company, so does that count for more than the two months? I don't believe he's seeing anyone else, because with his work, time with his parents and his friends, and time that he and I have spent in person and by text or video chat, he definitely doesn't have time for that. 

Is it still too early to ask for clarity and/ or to delete the app? And if it is, when is a reasonable time to do so? Thank you!

 

[smackie9]

You do it when you feel it needs to be discussed. There is no wrong or right time, just when you know you are ready to take the next step. 

[Shonan]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You do it when you feel it needs to be discussed. There is no wrong or right time, just when you know you are ready to take the next step. 

Thank you. It's just so hard to trust my instincts when I've been burned before. 

[lostandhurt]

30 minutes ago, Shonan said:

I have very strong feelings for him,

This is what he needs to hear from you, not the falling in love part but let him know where you stand and see where he stands.  The conversation will flow from there. 

 The woman I am in a relationship with I could tell early on I wanted to focus all my attention towards her so one day while we were on a date I told her "I am wanted you to know that I have hidden my profile on the site because I want to focus on getting to know you and only you"  I then told her that I was doing this for me and I do not expect her to reciprocate. She told me she hadn't been back on any sites since our second date and said she would do the same but I encouraged her to do what is best for her, not for me. 

 This is like the first kiss, it is awkward and worrisome until you get it out of the way.  Make sure you speak in person though.

My question is this: He lives 200 miles away, what is the game plan for that?  Are you willing to relocate?  is he?  Are you okay with a long distance relationship?

Lost

[Shonan]

Thank you -- that's definitely a conversation I'll have in person! As far as long distance goes, he has ties to his location, and I don't have ties to mine-- he's aware that I don't care for the town where I live. I definitely wouldn't want to continue a long distance relationship over an extended time -- I've also shared that I want someone to share a life and a home with.

[SophiaG]

28 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

The woman I am in a relationship with I could tell early on I wanted to focus all my attention towards her so one day while we were on a date I told her "I am wanted you to know that I have hidden my profile on the site because I want to focus on getting to know you and only you"  I then told her that I was doing this for me and I do not expect her to reciprocate.

This. I had someone told me this after a second date - I wasn't quite on the same page yet but I liked his approach and later on we did become exclusive - it was refreshing when someone you like is confident enough to tell you this without expecting anything in return.

30 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

He lives 200 miles away, what is the game plan for that?  Are you willing to relocate?  is he?  Are you okay with a long distance relationship?

Agree these are the important questions to consider for the next stage of your relationship.

[Shonan]

8 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

This. I had someone told me this after a second date - I wasn't quite on the same page yet but I liked his approach and later on we did become exclusive - it was refreshing when someone you like is confident enough to tell you this without expecting anything in return.

Agree these are the important questions to consider for the next stage of your relationship.

Thank you, I appreciate the encouragement (from everyone!) to speak. I do feel pretty confident-- as busy as he is, I seriously doubt that he'd be as communicative and available to me as he is-- but it's hard to forget those past hurts, even though they have nothing to do with him. 

[Andrina]

Just curious to know why you both sought out/agreed to dating someone so far away. What's his relationship history been like? 

Mostly everyone has had past hurts with romance. It's just part of the human experience that most of us aren't immune to. How about changing your mindset that you will be resilient no matter what happens?

Also, don't be scared of scaring someone away with reasonable requests. The right person for you will be on the same page. Actually, if you've already been making out with him and having sex, you're overdue in seeing if he shares the same dating style as you.

If it were me, I wouldn't continue giving the gift of my body to someone who might say, "Actually, it takes me a really long time to become exclusive with someone." I highly doubt he will say that, as the effort he's made so far is a good sign, but I'm just giving an example of things not going the way you assume, since you still don't know him all that well yet. But if you're like me, no matter how attractive he is and if I've enjoyed his company, him going out with other women would be a dealbreaker to me.

I do have one bit of advice you haven't asked. But if things do work out and you move his way, I'd highly recommend getting your own place for a bit. Moving in together after the abnormal pace of dating you've already experienced could prove disastrous. Much better to date locally once you're there, ensuring this is really a strong relationship, and that it's worthy of being careful and wise about each new stage. Good luck and let us know how it pans out.

[Shonan]

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Just curious to know why you both sought out/agreed to dating someone so far away. What's his relationship history been like? 

I have no ties to where I currently live, and I made that clear from the start-- I assume that was reassurance enough for him.

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Mostly everyone has had past hurts with romance. It's just part of the human experience that most of us aren't immune to. How about changing your mindset that you will be resilient no matter what happens?

I know I'm resilient, with everything I've been through, and I know I'll continue to be resilient. 😊

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Also, don't be scared of scaring someone away with reasonable requests. The right person for you will be on the same page. Actually, if you've already been making out with him and having sex, you're overdue in seeing if he shares the same dating style as you.

I keep reminding myself that I LIKE that he's taking his time and not rushing into anything. That's not to say he's moving too slowly-- he's a thinker and a planner and I know he's working it all over in his mind, but I like answers. But the last guy I dated, that I felt could become a serious thing, told me he loved me on a Tuesday morning, and the following Tuesday morning broke up with me. Not because of anything I did (I don't think), but because he rushed into it and then scared himself. I wasn't at the love point, so it wasn't devastating, but it was still a shock. So I don't mind a guy who thinks and plans and weighs his words.

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If it were me, I wouldn't continue giving the gift of my body to someone who might say, "Actually, it takes me a really long time to become exclusive with someone." I highly doubt he will say that, as the effort he's made so far is a good sign, but I'm just giving an example of things not going the way you assume, since you still don't know him all that well yet. But if you're like me, no matter how attractive he is and if I've enjoyed his company, him going out with other women would be a dealbreaker to me.

Haha, oh nononono -- I've been down that road, and it's not for me! But like I said, I truly don't believe he's seeing anyone else.

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I do have one bit of advice you haven't asked. But if things do work out and you move his way, I'd highly recommend getting your own place for a bit. Moving in together after the abnormal pace of dating you've already experienced could prove disastrous. Much better to date locally once you're there, ensuring this is really a strong relationship, and that it's worthy of being careful and wise about each new stage. Good luck and let us know how it pans out.

Thank you -- I would likely move into my own place to start, if it ever gets that far, but I don't think I'd make that kind of move only to look for other options. I would have to be pretty certain of him to make the move.

 

Thank you!

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Shonan said:

but I don't think I'd make that kind of move only to look for other options

I didn't mean dating other men in his area. I meant dating each other while living local to him instead of just moving in straight away. Because going from seeing each other sporadically to being together 24/7 could ruin what might've worked out if you'd taken the step of living apart, but seeing each other 2 or 3 times per week like a normal dating experience. When you see that's working out well for a good amount of time, then moving in together would be the next step.

Did he say why he's single and what his dating life's been like? That can be an important clue if he's a good prospect or not.

[Shonan]

3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I didn't mean dating other men in his area. I meant dating each other while living local to him instead of just moving in straight away. Because going from seeing each other sporadically to being together 24/7 could ruin what might've worked out if you'd taken the step of living apart, but seeing each other 2 or 3 times per week like a normal dating experience. When you see that's working out well for a good amount of time, then moving in together would be the next step.

Ah, gotcha -- that's what I get for playing around on my phone when I should be working! 😀

3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Did he say why he's single and what his dating life's been like? That can be an important clue if he's a good prospect or not.

He's been single two years, because he had a lot on his plate with work and school and family, but he'll be done with school in a couple more months and his schedule settling down, and we've talked about working around his schedule as needed during that time (my schedule is flexible).

[yogacat]

It sounds like you and this man have developed a meaningful connection in a relatively short amount of time, despite the distance. Spending extended periods together has clearly helped you to get to know each other well, which is why you’re contemplating the next step in determining the nature of your relationship.

Given that you've spent 16 days together and have built a strong rapport, it's reasonable to want clarity about where you both stand. 

You might consider starting the conversation by expressing how much you've enjoyed the time you've spent together and how your feelings have grown. You can then ask how he feels about your relationship and if he sees it moving towards something more exclusive. It's totally fine to bring up the topic of the dating app, maybe by sharing that you've paused yours and asking if he's in a similar place.

FWIW, I have never had the "where is this going conversation," in my LTR's except for once, after dating for 2 months, because I sensed we weren't on the same page. Turns out I was correct. The other times, it was either he said he was falling in love with me or vice versa where I said ILY first, or he would introduce me as his girlfriend. We knew by our ACTIONS that we were on the same page.

Timing-wise, there is no strict rule. Trust your instincts and sense of how comfortable you both are with each other. It's better to seek clarity and to ensure you're both on the same page rather than leaving things vague and uncertain.

Are you feeling anxious that he might not feel the same? Spending nearly 24 hours a day together over about 16 days means fast forward for you so perhaps you're feeling a bit anxious? Which, if you are, that's totally okay. I think a good time is around the 2-3 month mark but everyone's mileage varies.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

My question is this: He lives 200 miles away, what is the game plan for that?  Are you willing to relocate?  is he?  Are you okay with a long distance relationship?

That is exactly what I wanted to know. If you are feeling this and you two discussed general goals I would ask what his intentions are but first clarify your intentions for the future about how  to close  the geographic distance. I was in this situation many years ago when my ex fiancee and I got back together -i was 39 and he 38 and it meant long distance.  We discussed that situation the first day we decided to get back together. And what we came up with is what happened -and that was 19 years ago, married 16 years.

 In my experience a man typically wants to make sure his special person is not going to be snapped up by some other guy within about 6-8 weeks of regular dating (or sooner) and makes his intentions clear.  The two times I had to bring it up it was because he wasn't that into me.  I understand your timing is different- you're long distance so it's not actually two months - but you are reaching your comfort limit where you don't want to continue getting attached/being intimate unless you two are on the same page. Just because it didn't work this way for me doesn't mean it won't for you. Be simple and direct "I am developing strong feelings for you, we talked about being on the same page generally, what are your intentions about us?"

[Shonan]

51 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It sounds like you and this man have developed a meaningful connection in a relatively short amount of time, despite the distance. Spending extended periods together has clearly helped you to get to know each other well, which is why you’re contemplating the next step in determining the nature of your relationship.

Given that you've spent 16 days together and have built a strong rapport, it's reasonable to want clarity about where you both stand. 

You might consider starting the conversation by expressing how much you've enjoyed the time you've spent together and how your feelings have grown. You can then ask how he feels about your relationship and if he sees it moving towards something more exclusive. It's totally fine to bring up the topic of the dating app, maybe by sharing that you've paused yours and asking if he's in a similar place.

FWIW, I have never had the "where is this going conversation," in my LTR's except for once, after dating for 2 months, because I sensed we weren't on the same page. Turns out I was correct. The other times, it was either he said he was falling in love with me or vice versa where I said ILY first, or he would introduce me as his girlfriend. We knew by our ACTIONS that we were on the same page.

Timing-wise, there is no strict rule. Trust your instincts and sense of how comfortable you both are with each other. It's better to seek clarity and to ensure you're both on the same page rather than leaving things vague and uncertain.

Exactly my feeling, that I'd like to know now before I get further invested.

51 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Are you feeling anxious that he might not feel the same? Spending nearly 24 hours a day together over about 16 days means fast forward for you so perhaps you're feeling a bit anxious? Which, if you are, that's totally okay. I think a good time is around the 2-3 month mark but everyone's mileage varies.

It's not that I think he doesn't feel the same -- I'm pretty sure he does, or is at least on the path. My anxiety isn't due to him or his behavior, it's due to previous men and their mixed messages.

Thank you!

[Shonan]

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That is exactly what I wanted to know. If you are feeling this and you two discussed general goals I would ask what his intentions are but first clarify your intentions for the future about how  to close  the geographic distance. I was in this situation many years ago when my ex fiancee and I got back together -i was 39 and he 38 and it meant long distance.  We discussed that situation the first day we decided to get back together. And what we came up with is what happened -and that was 19 years ago, married 16 years.

♥️♥️♥️

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 In my experience a man typically wants to make sure his special person is not going to be snapped up by some other guy within about 6-8 weeks of regular dating (or sooner) and makes his intentions clear.  The two times I had to bring it up it was because he wasn't that into me.  I understand your timing is different- you're long distance so it's not actually two months - but you are reaching your comfort limit where you don't want to continue getting attached/being intimate unless you two are on the same page. Just because it didn't work this way for me doesn't mean it won't for you. Be simple and direct "I am developing strong feelings for you, we talked about being on the same page generally, what are your intentions about us?"

Thank you for the advice -- I'm going to have to take a deep breath and say what I need to say.

[yogacat]

19 minutes ago, Shonan said:

My anxiety isn't due to him or his behavior, it's due to previous men and their mixed messages.

Then is this coming from a place of your interactions with him and your feelings towards him or due to past experiences that make you feel distrustful?🥹

When I had the "where are we going discussion," it was because I sensed something was off, and wanted to get clarity, but not because of my past experience with distrusting men. My feelings were developing rather quickly and I wanted to express those feelings by wanting to take the relationship to the next level. Again, I have only had this discussion once and it was because I "sensed" something was off but I think another part of it was a fear that I had that things weren't moving as fast as I would have preferred.

[Shonan]

22 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Then is this coming from a place of your interactions with him and your feelings towards him or due to past experiences that make you feel distrustful?🥹

When I had the "where are we going discussion," it was because I sensed something was off, and wanted to get clarity, but not because of my past experience with distrusting men. My feelings were developing rather quickly and I wanted to express those feelings by wanting to take the relationship to the next level. Again, I have only had this discussion once and it was because I "sensed" something was off but I think another part of it was a fear that I had that things weren't moving as fast as I would have preferred.

It's 100% due to past experiences, and I'm working on getting past them.

I don't sense anything is off-- the problem is I don't trust my own reactions. And honestly everything I've been posting here today, has been helping me to see more clearly that things are actually going pretty well. 

 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Shonan said:

Thank you for the advice -- I'm going to have to take a deep breath and say what I need to say.

FWIW that's very impressive. I had to do this once in a similar situation and I kid you not -I wore my favorite kick-a$$ suit that happened to be one of those stand out red colors -I looked all business but hot too lol and I sat on his sofa straight backed and was simple and direct with my feelings and it was obvious if he didn't feel the same -I was willing to walk. I was so nervous inside but dressing to the nines and sitting straight and tall (ok I'm only 5"2 and he was 6"3) helped so much.  He gave me the answer I hoped for but in hindsight - I realize I shouldn't have asked - he really wasn't that into me which is why I had to be straight up with him in the first place. He broke up with me 3-4 months later.

I think it's different for you.I would 10000% put those other men out of your head.  Give this man a chance -he seems kind, well-intentioned and into you.

[Andrina]

If he's in his forties, was he ever married or in any LTR? Why did he go back to school? Is he in need of rehauling his career? Does he live with family or does he have his own place? Just wondering if you're looking at all areas of his life to make sure he meets your standards for a serious partner. Does he have children?

[Shonan]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

FWIW that's very impressive. I had to do this once in a similar situation and I kid you not -I wore my favorite kick-a$$ suit that happened to be one of those stand out red colors -I looked all business but hot too lol and I sat on his sofa straight backed and was simple and direct with my feelings and it was obvious if he didn't feel the same -I was willing to walk. I was so nervous inside but dressing to the nines and sitting straight and tall (ok I'm only 5"2 and he was 6"3) helped so much.  He gave me the answer I hoped for but in hindsight - I realize I shouldn't have asked - he really wasn't that into me which is why I had to be straight up with him in the first place. He broke up with me 3-4 months later.

The red suit -- I love it! I'm sure that gave you some courage. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's different for you.I would 10000% put those other men out of your head.  Give this man a chance -he seems kind, well-intentioned and into you.

Thank you, I think so, too. I'm probably going to start with asking him about getting off the apps and see how that goes -- the rest is probably a moot point if he's unwilling to delete. Because with all the time we've spent together, and daily texting or video chat for months, if he still wants to keep his options open, we're not going anywhere.

[Shonan]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

If he's in his forties, was he ever married or in any LTR? Why did he go back to school? Is he in need of rehauling his career? Does he live with family or does he have his own place? Just wondering if you're looking at all areas of his life to make sure he meets your standards for a serious partner. Does he have children?

Never married, a few LTR. He's got a great career that he's good at and enjoys, he's finishing up his degree because it was a promise he made to his mom years ago. No kids (mine is a adult). He moved his parents into his house a few years ago due to his dad's illness. I've become pretty familiar with how they share the house and how they live their lives in that proximity, and I'm comfortable with it. 

[bluecastle]

18 minutes ago, Shonan said:

I'm probably going to start with asking him about getting off the apps and see how that goes -- the rest is probably a moot point if he's unwilling to delete. Because with all the time we've spent together, and daily texting or video chat for months, if he still wants to keep his options open, we're not going anywhere.

I think this is a good idea, but with a caveat: 

In your shoes—and I've been in them, as have most—I would broach this by sharing where you stand rather than trying to first extract where he stands. A simple statement, at a calm moment: Hey, a big part of enjoying this connection with you has been the realization that I have no interest still using dating apps. I've deleted mine in order to focus exclusively on what you and I have and where we can go, and wanted to hear your feelings about all that. 

Or some such. 

This way you are honestly sharing your feelings and being authentically vulnerable, rather than asking him to quell anxieties. Wherever he is, I think you'll be happier to have taken this kind of approach because it's about owning your truth and dating, ultimately, is about (a) exactly that and (b) determining if another's truth dovetails with your own. 

This sounds like a wonderful connection, by the way. 

[Shonan]

50 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I think this is a good idea, but with a caveat: 

In your shoes—and I've been in them, as have most—I would broach this by sharing where you stand rather than trying to first extract where he stands. A simple statement, at a calm moment: Hey, a big part of enjoying this connection with you has been the realization that I have no interest still using dating apps. I've deleted mine in order to focus exclusively on what you and I have and where we can go, and wanted to hear your feelings about all that. 

Thank you, that's the verbiage I need!

50 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Or some such. 

This way you are honestly sharing your feelings and being authentically vulnerable, rather than asking him to quell anxieties. Wherever he is, I think you'll be happier to have taken this kind of approach because it's about owning your truth and dating, ultimately, is about (a) exactly that and (b) determining if another's truth dovetails with your own. 

This sounds like a wonderful connection, by the way. 

Thank you, I feel pretty good about it!

[TeeDee]

I think your plan is a good one.  Open the discussion about getting off the apps / dating sites.  

From there you can have a different conversation. 

I would wait 6 - 9 months if not more to start seriously taking about moving closer to him.   That action & /or discussion is premature at this early stage.  

[Shonan]

On 1/13/2025 at 10:00 AM, TeeDee said:

I think your plan is a good one.  Open the discussion about getting off the apps / dating sites.  

The more I think about it, the more I think that's where to start. I think I mentioned above that he's a thinker and a planner, and he's asked me some seemingly random questions that make me think he's mulling something over. What that might be, I have no idea! 😀

On 1/13/2025 at 10:00 AM, TeeDee said:

From there you can have a different conversation. 

I would wait 6 - 9 months if not more to start seriously taking about moving closer to him.   That action & /or discussion is premature at this early stage.  

Oh, definitely! There are so many steps in between -- meeting important people in each other's lives, taking a vacation, not to mention continuing to get to know each other.

Thank you!