Should I Continue This Relationship or Set Boundaries for My Emotional Wellbeing

[Roy BATTY]

I'm 29 years old and two months ago I met a 28-year-old woman at a party. She attracted me from the start, and what caught my attention is that she took the initiative to approach me and start a conversation. Over these two months, we've seen each other around 7 or 8 times, which I consider quite frequent since she was away for two weeks for work and I went on a two-week holiday during Christmas.

At first, I felt very comfortable with our dating. Although I'm used to women who are more communicative through messaging, she's more distant in that aspect, but in person, she's affectionate and often suggests plans.

However, when I like someone, I tend to feel insecure, especially at the beginning. After we slept together, I asked her how she felt about our relationship and sincerely told her I would like it to be more than just a casual fling. She replied that she was happy, that we had an exclusive relationship, but that it was too soon to talk about being a couple since she wanted to be sure before committing. I found her response reasonable and was satisfied with it.

I'm a person who sometimes deals with obsessive thoughts (something I'm working on), and this often intensifies in my romantic scenario. During Christmas, I started feeling very insecure because of her communication style, which leaves me with many doubts.

To give an example: after the holidays, we had a date that went well, and we agreed to meet again. She mentioned Thursday would work for her. The next morning, I wished her a good day and asked her to confirm when she had the info if she was still free for Thursday. She replied she would know the next day but didn't say anything until Wednesday when she finally confirmed she was available.

That lack of clarity affected me, so I decided to talk to her. On Thursday, we met, and after being together, I told her I wasn't looking for something casual but rather complicity, trust, and mutual sincerity. She responded somewhat ambiguously, saying she felt comfortable with me but hadn't experienced a "spark" and was afraid to enter a relationship without being sure, to avoid getting hurt.

I'm having a hard time. My anxiety is very high. What I've shared here is just a part of the story since there's more to it. I start to realize she tends to be quite flirtatious, sometimes sending mixed signals, and occasionally seems to seek validation through attention. I'm beginning to think she might not be the best match for me.

Now I see two options for myself:

1. Continue as things are. As I already said what I want and looks we are going to continue the same way, I can try to enjoy the experience without expectations. However, given my personality, this seems difficult, as it could further affect my emotional health.

2. Set clear boundaries. This would mean, for the sake of my mental health, stopping seeing her since she doesn't seem ready for a formal relationship, and it causes me a lot of anxiety.

I truly appreciate you reading this far. I would love to hear any advice, not only about how to interpret her signals but also how to better manage my emotions in this situation.

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Roy BATTY said:

complicity, trust, and mutual sincerity. She responded somewhat ambiguously,

I'd find what you said ambigious. What do you mean by that specifically -don't we all hope to build trust and mutual sincerity in our friendships and romantic relationships? I'd have been put off by someone saying that to me as if it wasn't an obvious truth.  I certainly can see asking someone after 2 months "what are  your intentions towards me/about us" - to see if you're on the same page as opposed to some word salad as if you're unique in wanting these things. Also I thought "complicity" referred to complicit in some nefarious plan lol.

If she doesn't feel any spark by now I'd move on. I'm sorry if that is disappointing but you seem extremely invested in this and  tend to get obsessive so my sense is this will trigger you to try to "convince" her or the situation to go towards a "spark" which cannot be forced. She is being very sincere -she is not that into you and not as into you as you are to her for sure.

I don't think she did anything wrong with the plan. Especially around holiday time. I think you overreacted.

There is no need for a "clear boundary". I'd simply tell her directly with no back story "thanks so much for your honesty. I think given how you feel at this point I'd prefer we stop dating. Take care and I wish you the best."

[Andrina]

Honestly, who'd you consider your match would be someone as emotionally, over-the-top needy as you. Someone at your beck and call who doesn't have much of a life besides you.

Dating someone whose anxiety is high when it comes to romance sounds about as fun as eating glass. What kind of therapy have you been through to work on this problem? If none, begin now before attempting to date again. 

[yogacat]

I think we each have the right to state what we need and want out of a relationship.

Right?

Remember that you have the right to state what you need and want out of a relationship, and it's important to respect that and not settle for something that doesn't fulfill you. Take care of yourself and your needs first. Everything else will fall into place eventually.

If you're experiencing this much anxiety and uncertainty it's not helpful to unload this onto her. Pull back and address what's going on with you. You haven't developed that level of trust yet where you can both be vulnerable about what you need and want right now from the other. I know it sucks. I've been there. If you find yourself constantly obsessing it's important to distract and look inward for why you act this way in relationships. Believe me, I've been there 😉

She's not 100% in this. It doesn't matter if she is the perfect person for you if she's not 100% committed to you.  If you get back into a dating relationship agreeing to terms that you don't actually agree with and hope she will change you are setting yourself up for failure. She may have already told you that she wants to be sure before she enters a long term relationship but she doesn't want you to feel rejected by saying she's not sure of what she wants. Do you want to give your heart to someone who was halfway in? I see it as exhausting and heart-wrenching. 

Let's say you stop seeing her. After being with her for only 2 months, you're basically strangers. You'll get over it and find someone new who might be a better match for you.

So then you have two options: stay or go. If you stay, I'm just going to predict that you'll get really hurt. Because you've already told her what you want, and she doesn't seem ready.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

I think we each have the right to state what we need and want out of a relationship.

Yes if it's in a way that is respectful to the other person and in an appropriate way. It's fine for him to say "I want a person who will not make a plan tentative after it's made no matter what."  Then that person can say "thank you I cannot promise that to you so we should part ways." It sounds like he kind of lectured her and used lots of abstract concepts implying that she had acted in a distrustful or insincere way so I found his approach -how he described it -kind of disrespectful to this person in this situation.  I don't think it's that she is not ready. I think she feels no spark and if given his anxiety waiting even longer to me would not be healthy for him specifically.  It is unlikely she will be "sparked" in the future and my sense is she was put off by his reaction to her making the plan tenative.

[smackie9]

Your love language is communication which is very important for you in order to have a happy relationship. This is why we date...to see what they are like, if the fulfill our expectations, how they treat us etc. Her speed is cautious, you are more spontaneous/assertive. If you find yourself here then you know this isn't working out right. You can have a conversation with her as to why you wish to leave. Maybe she would be on board to accommodate you more with your need for communication. It's a hit or miss but worth a try. See what happens. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Yes if it's in a way that is respectful to the other person and in an appropriate way. It's fine for him to say "I want a person who will not make a plan tentative after it's made no matter what."  Then that person can say "thank you I cannot promise that to you so we should part ways." It sounds like he kind of lectured her and used lots of abstract concepts implying that she had acted in a distrustful or insincere way so I found his approach -how he described it -kind of disrespectful to this person in this situation.  I don't think it's that she is not ready. I think she feels no spark and if given his anxiety waiting even longer to me would not be healthy for him specifically.  It is unlikely she will be "sparked" in the future and my sense is she was put off by his reaction to her making the plan tenative.

I'm not necessarily talking about their plans specifically, but more about his feelings and needs in general. He says he wants more than just a casual thing, and if he feels that way, it's his right to express that and set boundaries for himself. He has the right to determine what he wants and needs in a relationship and whether she can provide that or not.

If she can't he can walk away - that's his prerogative. No one should settle for something that doesn't fulfill them just because they feel they have to in order to not be alone. That's how relationships go sour in the long run.

He seems to expect her to be more communicative over messages, and it seems that she may not be as quick or responsive as he would like. Maybe he is used to someone who is always texting back quickly and that makes him feel more secure in the relationship. That's just a guess though - only he can truly know how he feels and what his expectations are.

If she said she doesn't feel a spark then to me she is just trying to be nice.  Was there any "spark"? I don't know what her end game is if she's not feeling it I would just let her go.

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I'm not necessarily talking about their plans specifically, but more about his feelings and needs in general. He says he wants more than just a casual thing, and if he feels that way, it's his right to express that and set boundaries for himself. He has the right to determine what he wants and needs in a relationship and whether she can provide that or not.

If she can't he can walk away - that's his prerogative. No one should settle for something that doesn't fulfill them just because they feel they have to in order to not be alone. That's how relationships go sour in the long run.

He seems to expect her to be more communicative over messages, and it seems that she may not be as quick or responsive as he would like. Maybe he is used to someone who is always texting back quickly and that makes him feel more secure in the relationship. That's just a guess though - only he can truly know how he feels and what his expectations are.

If she said she doesn't feel a spark then to me she is just trying to be nice.  Was there any "spark"? I don't know what her end game is if she's not feeling it I would just let her go.

I see I don't see it as a "right" but obviously he should be direct and clear and simple as possible about what he is looking for. Saying you are looking for "complicity" and "sincerity" likely gets vague and confusing and also is - true of almost everyone. I'd be simpler and more basic.  He confronted her over being tentative about a plan.  That's why I addressed that.  She told him quite simply she's not feeling it yet.  I don't think people have a "right" to "express themselves" because to me that can be used as an excuse to express in inappropriate ways/disrespectfully. I think people have a right to be treated with basic respect and common courtesy in all interactions except when they are acting disrespectfully etc then there may need to be some self help tactics etc.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, Roy BATTY said:

That lack of clarity affected me, so I decided to talk to her. On Thursday, we met, and after being together, I told her I wasn't looking for something casual but rather complicity, trust, and mutual sincerity. She responded somewhat ambiguously, saying she felt comfortable with me but hadn't experienced a "spark" and was afraid to enter a relationship without being sure, to avoid getting hurt.

^^Well however he chose to express what he's seeking, apparently SHE understood it and responded she's not feeling a "spark" and was afraid to enter a relationship without it for fear of getting hurt. 

To the OP, I agree her response was ambiguous.  My advice is to focus on she's not feeling a spark and nevermind the rest (she's afraid or whatever).

Normal balanced people don't become afraid because they don't feel a spark, that makes no sense. 

If anything they might become afraid when they DO feel a spark and have strong feelings.  As it can cause them to feel vulnerable and that is "scary" for some people.

But that is NOT what's happening here. 

Bottom line she's NOT "feeling it" but imo enjoys your attention and  spending time, so added in the "afraid" part to assure you wouldn't become too put off by her lack of spark/connection and continue seeing her. 

JMO, but in any event if this were me, I'd wish her well and move on.

I'm sorry and wish I could be more positive.

 

 

[yogacat]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think people have a "right" to "express themselves" because to me that can be used as an excuse to express in inappropriate ways/disrespectfully. I think people have a right to be treated with basic respect and common courtesy in all interactions except when they are acting disrespectfully etc then there may need to be some self help tactics etc.

I disagree that people don't have the right to express themselves as long as it is done respectfully and more from a perspective of preference.

Which, him saying he wasn't looking for something casual but rather complicity, trust, and mutual sincerity. That's when she said she didn't feel a spark, so in a way, he forced her hand which I think is good because now she's being honest with herself and him rather than avoiding.

As NWA says... 😉🤗

 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

disagree that people don't have the right to express themselves as long as it is done respectfully and more from a perspective of preference.

It's fine!  I think it's fine to do so respectfully and what's respectful is so individual depending on the situation.  I don't think anyone has a right to date so if you choose to date someone and  you are wanting information from that person the other person has just as much of a right to say "I don't want to hear what you have to say, I'd prefer to part ways.".  I'd find it creepy if the person then said no I have the right to express my feelings to you and therefore you have to hear me out.  Um. Nope.

I had someone call me once and wanted to express why he wasn't asking me out again after we went on a date.  I was on call waiting so I couldn't talk but told him "thanks but I am not interested in hearing what you have to say."  I didn't feel he had a right to take my time in expressing his feelings about why he didn't want to go on another date. 

For sure people can decide between themselves that in their relationship they each have the right to express themselves respectfully and the other person has to listen to whatever they are expressing.  Totally fine.  If a person feels he is being respectful the other person might not so it's fine for that person to say "I know you feel that you are being respectful but I'm stressed from my day so let's talk another time." Or "you've expressed yourself about this subject before and I've heard enough and I know you are being respectful in your tone but I'm not open to hearing this again."  People who want to be together won't need rights. They will desire to listen to each other they will desire to hear the other person's feelings in a respectful, caring environment.  Once it has to be phrased as a right then IMHO there are real issues in that romantic relationship.  

 

[ShySoul]

16 hours ago, Roy BATTY said:

Now I see two options for myself:

1. Continue as things are. As I already said what I want and looks we are going to continue the same way, I can try to enjoy the experience without expectations. However, given my personality, this seems difficult, as it could further affect my emotional health.

2. Set clear boundaries. This would mean, for the sake of my mental health, stopping seeing her since she doesn't seem ready for a formal relationship, and it causes me a lot of anxiety.

Why is this either/or? Why can't you do both - continue while setting boundaries?

I think your anxiety is causing you to read into this as a bigger problem then it is. Maybe there is more to it that wasn't shared, but based on what you said, she likes you but needs time to develop the feelings that would cause her to want a more serious commitment. 

What is her relationship history? Does she have a history of being hurt or rushing into something? Could there be a reason she is taking it slower? I had someone who, despite clearly being into me and us getting along, would find reasons to say she didn't feel the spark or why she couldn't commit to more like I wanted. It was because of what people had did to her in the past.

Her not wanting to be hurt probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone else. She may have fears and insecurities blocking her from being able to commit. But she clearly enjoys being with you and wants this to continue.

A person like that needs time and no pressure. But your anxiety is causing you to push for more, something she isn't ready for. And your anxiety is telling you that if you can't have the full relationship you want now, that it's better to run so you don't think about it. But is that helping your anxiety? Or giving into it?

Maybe a better way to handle anxiety is learn to accept and control it? Take things slow and for what they are. You can still set boundaries. Say you need certain things for your own emotional well being, like her making firm plans or calling when she says she is going to. But don't push this faster then you both are ready for. Slow down and enjoy what is there, something that seems to make you both happy (at least when your overactive minds are getting carried away with themselves). Don't be in such a rush to get to the destination that you miss the journey. Trust me, the journey there is just as amazing, even if you don't have some label to call it. 

You like her. She likes you. You have fun together. Be together. It doesn't have to be more complicated if you don't want it to be.

Hope things go well for you.

[poorlittlefish]

She's not communicating much and being ambiguous because she's not that into you, OP.  If she's not feeling a spark after 7 or 8 dates then I think you're just wasting your time on this one.  Meet someone else who feels excited about the thought of seeing you and it's likely your needs will be much better matched without you needing to do anything.

[Sindy_0311]

18 hours ago, Roy BATTY said:

She responded somewhat ambiguously, saying she felt comfortable with me but hadn't experienced a "spark" and was afraid to enter a relationship without being sure, to avoid getting hurt.

I get the sense that she is enjoying you and the relationship you both have. My opinion is that she's afraid because she doesn't want to fall in love with the wrong person. Meaning, she wants to know you better before becoming too emotionally invested in you. She needs time to figure you out, to make sure you have good intentions and are serious about her through TIME and CONSISTENCY. Her saying she didn't get a spark for me is just the way she found to pace the rhythm of the relationship for the reasons I mentioned above. Translate this into: "I also enjoy spending time with, I like you but I need more time to make sure you are good for me ..." (I'm saying this because this is something I used to say to pace men I really liked since the beginning, to gauge their level of interest and intention, by acting a bit aloof and uninterested, I allowed them to show me how much they wanted me and invest even more... Might sound toxic but its a strategy women use sometimes) 

Watch her actions: SHE came to you, she is affectionate, she sometime plans dates, she responds to your texts, She already slept with you, she agreed on exclusivity... What else do you want at this point? Just give her some time to fall for you. Continue treating her well, arrange dates, buy her flowers, gifts, plan a weekend trip, court her and show her that you are serious about her. If you leave her now, I beg she won't be surprised, many guys don't have the balls to go after the woman they wants and overcome their anxiety. Show her you want her and will respect her pace and boundaries and that you are 100%  motivated and happy to have her around. Stop bringing up you anxiety, it's not attractive at this point. Be confident, or act like you are, YOU are the man, you are in charge and you reassure her, not the other way around. 

18 hours ago, Roy BATTY said:

stopping seeing her since she doesn't seem ready for a formal relationship, and it causes me a lot of anxiety.

Bad idea, you will regret it if you stop at this pivotal point. Swallow your anxiety (take chill pills, go run or shout in your pillow if it helps) and give it another month. If you see no progression after 30 days, then reconsider the whole thing again, but now it's too soon IMO. Of course I can be wrong, and she is being 100% honest about her lack of "spark", but at least you won't regret a premature decision. Good luck to you! 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

She's not communicating much and being ambiguous because she's not that into you, OP.  If she's not feeling a spark after 7 or 8 dates then I think you're just wasting your time on this one. 

This.

OP, do you want to be "the one" or "just some guy"? Because right now, you are "just some guy she dates". Probably because she doesnt have any other prospects. If somebody else she has "spark" goes along the line she will give you "Oh we are not exclusive, move on buddy" and continue with her life like nothing ever happened.

You are just a placeholder for next guy. Very unsatisfied place to be for somebody who wants a relationship and not just to have somebody there. Which is what she wants, to have somebody until somebody else more suitable comes along. Since you dont want that, I think its better to just stop seeing her and move on. 

With the right person you would feel secure enough and you wouldnt have to second guess their intentions. With people who would just keep you there for the sake of it, you would feel what you feel right now. Insecurity with second guessing their intentions because they will not commit nore even make an effort for you in terms of communicating or seeing you. This one is not the right person and you know it.

[MissCanuck]

I don't think she's that into you, OP.

She is telling you herself she isn't feeling a spark and you've been on several dates now. It's not that complicated. She likes your company but I would bet the farm that she doesn't see this going further and doesn't quite have the courage to tell you that yet. 

You can see where things go if you want, but I'd set myself a mental timeline as to how long I wanted to wait and see if things developed. 

[SophiaG]

On 1/10/2025 at 9:35 AM, Roy BATTY said:

That lack of clarity affected me, so I decided to talk to her. On Thursday, we met, and after being together, I told her I wasn't looking for something casual but rather complicity, trust, and mutual sincerity. She responded somewhat ambiguously, saying she felt comfortable with me but hadn't experienced a "spark" and was afraid to enter a relationship without being sure, to avoid getting hurt.

The way I see it is this can be some simple/silly miscommunication. Like @Batya33 mentioned what you said was quite vague as well - what is "complicity, trust, and mutual sincerity" in this case? Clearly this conversation was triggered by you being put off by her not confirming the plan earlier so I'd just be straightforward and address that. With your ambiguous accusation my guess is she focused on the first part - the part she could understand - that you "weren't looking for something casual."

Given that you already talked about wanting more than a casual fling, and she told you she was happy to be exclusive but need more time to be "a couple" - this probably sounds to her as you were pushing to define the relationship.

Therefore the "haven't experienced a spark so afraid to enter a relationship etc. etc."

So, could well be just she felt pressured and was trying to pace the progress, like @Sindy_0311 said, she prefers to slow down and take her time to evaluate the potential of a relationship with you.

Would that mean "she's not that into you"? Perhaps. After all another woman who's "into you enough" might be willing to enter a relationship in two weeks. But that woman may or may not be a better match for you. You know her and yourself better than anyone here - are you okay with her pace? Or are you already getting impatient and thinking she's not into you enough?

It sounds like she's not much of a texter but makes more effort in person. Is this good enough for you? Or maybe this is something you can talk to her about? Some people can easily change their communication styles if they know someone they like have different preferences - others might be more set in their ways. Sounds to me it's at least worth a conversation with her "Hey, I feel a bit neglected and insecure when you don't text me for a few days or don't confirm the next date until the day before. Would you be open to texting/talking more frequently between dates?"

Be specific and don't start with vague terms "complicity, trust, and sincerity" as if you're accusing her of being insincere or dishonest or something.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

The way I see it is this can be some simple/silly miscommunication. Like @Batya33 mentioned what you said was quite vague as well - what is "complicity, trust, and mutual sincerity" in this case? Clearly this conversation was triggered by you being put off by her not confirming the plan earlier so I'd just be straightforward and address that. With your ambiguous accusation my guess is she focused on the first part - the part she could understand - that you "weren't looking for something casual."

Given that you already talked about wanting more than a casual fling, and she told you she was happy to be exclusive but need more time to be "a couple" - this probably sounds to her as you were pushing to define the relationship.

Therefore the "haven't experienced a spark so afraid to enter a relationship etc. etc."

So, could well be just she felt pressured and was trying to pace the progress, like @Sindy_0311 said, she prefers to slow down and take her time to evaluate the potential of a relationship with you.

Would that mean "she's not that into you"? Perhaps. After all another woman who's "into you enough" might be willing to enter a relationship in two weeks. But that woman may or may not be a better match for you. You know her and yourself better than anyone here - are you okay with her pace? Or are you already getting impatient and thinking she's not into you enough?

It sounds like she's not much of a texter but makes more effort in person. Is this good enough for you? Or maybe this is something you can talk to her about? Some people can easily change their communication styles if they know someone they like have different preferences - others might be more set in their ways. Sounds to me it's at least worth a conversation with her "Hey, I feel a bit neglected and insecure when you don't text me for a few days or don't confirm the next date until the day before. Would you be open to texting/talking more frequently between dates?"

Be specific and don't start with vague terms "complicity, trust, and sincerity" as if you're accusing her of being insincere or dishonest or something.

The way you worded this SophiaG, I DO see your point and Batya's and Sindy's points. 

You may be right however surely she could have stated she needed more time rather than state she doesn't "feel a spark"? 

Meaning imo she's not "attracted to" him.  She doesn't feel that special somethin somethin one should feel when dating a person with the goal of developing a serious relationship with that person. 

No matter how much more time she needs to bond or want something serious, attraction should be present at the very least don't you think?

Or is it reasonable to believe that dating someone with whom you feel no attraction, no chemistry, no "spark" after 8 dates is acceptable?

I'm not ruling it out, I'm just trying to wrap my brain around it. 

I agree the OP could have been more clear but nevertheless it sounded like she understood what he meant and responded as she did. 

There is nothing ambiguous about "I don't feel a spark."

To the contrary it's quite clear, it's up to OP to determine whether or not he's okay with it. 

Oh sure he can twist the words to fit his own narrative, I wouldn't recommend it however. 

 

[catfeeder]

If all else were going well, I'd hang in there to learn her rhythms and whether our communication can be navigated or negotiated. But if someone told me after 7 or 8 dates that they didn't feel a spark, that would be a dealbreaker for me. There'd be nothing to stick around for.

Not every situation requires a 'right' versus 'wrong' answer. Two things can be true at once--if I had obsessive tendencies, I'd want to work those out to make sure that ALL my relationships, including my work life, run smoother for me. Yet, while I can recognize that a healthy relationship doesn't require someone to cater to my anxieties, they at least need to share enough of a spark to be worth my time and effort.

[ShySoul]

11 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

She's not communicating much and being ambiguous because she's not that into you, OP. 

On 1/10/2025 at 6:35 AM, Roy BATTY said:

she took the initiative to approach me and start a conversation. Over these two months, we've seen each other around 7 or 8 times, which I consider quite frequent since she was away for two weeks for work and I went on a two-week holiday during Christmas.

On 1/10/2025 at 6:35 AM, Roy BATTY said:

She replied that she was happy, that we had an exclusive relationship,

For someone not communicating much she seems to be making frequent attempts to see you, especially given that you both were unavailable for much of that time. She was the one who approached you in the first place. And she has told you that she is happy to be exclusive with you. She has said she is comfortable with you. She wants to keep seeing you.

If you have a woman who likes you and wants to be around you, who you enjoy being with... why throw that away and start over?! 

If you are an anxious person, you will still be anxious if you aren't with her. You will wonder what happened. You will be anxious about finding someone else. Your anxiety isn't likely to get better by giving into it and assuming she doesn't want to be with you.

On 1/10/2025 at 6:35 AM, Roy BATTY said:

Although I'm used to women who are more communicative through messaging, she's more distant in that aspect, but in person, she's affectionate and often suggests plans.

However, when I like someone, I tend to feel insecure, especially at the beginning.

You are letting your natural insecurities get the better of you. You are so focused on thinking something is wrong that you are losing sight of things going right. You are used to a different type of person and comparing this person to them instead of appreciating the person in front of you. 

This person still needs time work her own feelings out. She is probably having the same anxiety you feel. She is also probably insecure. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you or isn't interested. She has told you she is.

I have been with someone who took months to work through their feelings. I have taken months to work through mine. Didn't mean we didn't care for each other. Didn't mean we didn't love each other. It just meant we needed to take it slow and enjoy what we had without rushing ahead into something we weren't fully ready for. When both sides are ready, it will be more then worth the wait. But if you give up now, you will never know what could have been.

Trust your instincts. Listen to your heart and not your fears.

[yogacat]

There's a difference between not feeling a spark versus wanting to take the time to get to know someone on a more personal level to figure out if this is a relationship versus investing in. I don't feel a spark is code for, I don't feel sexually or romantically attracted to you at this stage. 

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but when someone says they don't feel a spark it means, well, just that.

[ShySoul]

I was with someone who used that exact line, "I don't feel the spark." Except she did feel it and was romantically interested, she was just too scared to admit it. And sometimes sparks take a little longer to explode.

@Roy BATTY Close your eyes and stop thinking. Relax and get calm. Then go with your first impulse... do you want to keep seeing her? That's your answer. Everything else you can handle as it comes.

[rainbowsandroses]

42 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

I was with someone who used that exact line, "I don't feel the spark." Except she did feel it and was romantically interested, she was just too scared to admit it.

Shy, I gotta say you have the most unusual experiences! 😉

So atypical from 99.9% of the population but as always I respect your unique perspective about things!

My sense in this case, given everything OP has posted, she's simply not "attracted to" him.  She's not "feelin it."

There is really nothing confusing or ambiguous about what she said, although I do think she enjoys spending time with him and perhaps hoping her attraction to him (the spark) will develop in time. 

Or he'll just grow on her and she'll become attached and bond through that and desire a commitment relationship.  

After 8 or so dates, I can't predict the future but anything is possible.

JMO.

[Tinydance]

What I would probably look at is, do you normally get this level of anxious when you're dating someone? You do seem very anxious about it and like you need constant validation. But what I'm wondering is, are you always like this or is it specifically this woman who's making you feel this way? Sometimes we do get a vibe that someone isn't that into us and that causes the anxiety. But some people just feel anxious right off the bat and it may not necessarily be anything to do with the other person. 

You said you've seen this woman 7 - 8 times in two months which to me seems like a lot. You did also say both of you were away for a week or two each of you. So to me it seems you were seeing each other about twice a week. Unless this woman dates people just for the sake of it, why would she see you twice a week if she doesn't like you? How often does she message you?

In my opinion early on it's fine to message every couple of days and see each other once or twice a week. Unless a person is just lonely or bored, I don't think people would be dating someone they're not into at all. I think she does like you but not sure what she meant by not feeling a spark. Maybe she's not in love with you yet but I don't think you can love someone immediately.

However if you're not hearing from her much or she's started not to see you much then yeah maybe she's losing interest. But I wouldn't be pushing her to keep explaining her feelings or keep asking if you'll be in a relationship. A relationship needs to progress naturally and the person should want it on their own. If you keep forcing I think it'll have the opposite effect and it'll scare her off.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

There is nothing ambiguous about "I don't feel a spark."

If the issue was for me that it was too soon to be exclusive -to commit -let's say we just met and after 3 dates he's asking for exclusivity and legit I'm not there yet I wouldn't ever ever say I don't feel a spark I'd simply say I want to get to know  you better before being exclusive. For me personally if I didn't desire to kiss him or enjoy kissing him by the 4th date -so that was usually 3-4 weeks in -I'd stop dating him.  I knew it was really unlikely to change and I didn't want to lead the person on.

I personally would not have kept dating someone who chose fear over telling me he felt a spark when we were dating and deciding if there was future potential-I'd know we personally weren't compatible for the long term.