I don’t know what to do

[Sheeparnold]

3 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

To me it's simple. Did he say or lead you to believe that he was 20? Like how did you meet online, a dating app where his age shows etc? I guess my point is do you think he very willfully misrepresented his age to you?

If you do, then I would say see ya later.

If you think it truly was a mix up and you like him, then I do not see a big deal. 6 years is not horrible. I have been casually seeing a girl 8 years younger than me, but I am also in my 30s....

 

I will say, I am one who has what I like to call a baby face. I cannot tell you how many times people are surprised to learn im 5 years older than I actually am. Cannot say I have had an instance where I was seeing a girl and she did not know.

I have had instances with friends, who are new, and are shocked to learn I am older than they think. It kind of can be a little of an insecurity thing.

Whatever i think really happened im still gonna stay with him for now

[EitherDare10]

4 minutes ago, Sheeparnold said:

Whatever i think really happened im still gonna stay with him for now

It's your life. I will say, IF he willfully lied to you about that... that's a huge red flag. He's lying to you so early on. But if you just assumed and there was no real lie, different story to me.

Either way, sounds like you chose for you. Best of luck!

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, Sheeparnold said:

Whatever i think really happened im still gonna stay with him for now

Yup but what does stay with mean ? You’re going to keep typing and talking to him and see what else he lies about 

[Sheeparnold]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yup but what does stay with mean ? You’re going to keep typing and talking to him and see what else he lies about 

I’m just gonna keep talking to him because I don’t wanna be alone 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sheeparnold said:

I’m just gonna keep talking to him because I don’t wanna be alone 

Oh believe me talking to a liar is much worse than being alone. You’re not alone. You simply aren’t dating  anyone. You’re not dating him or “with “ him. If you don’t want to be alone step outside of your house and step outside of your comfort zone. I had to get out of my comfort zone many times as a teenager. I’m 58 and still do. 

[Sheeparnold]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh believe me talking to a liar is much worse than being alone. You’re not alone. You simply aren’t dating  anyone. You’re not dating him or “with “ him. If you don’t want to be alone step outside of your house and step outside of your comfort zone. I had to get out of my comfort zone many times as a teenager. I’m 58 and still do. 

When everyone on enotalone.com wants me to touch grass.

but seriously im fine it’s not like he’s the first liar I’ve ever talked to. they kind of are all liars. Thanks for the advice. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Sheeparnold said:

 they kind of are all liars.

This is your inexperience speaking. 

That is not meant to a shot at you, either. But these sorts of comments usually come from people who haven't really had much life experience under the belts nor have the maturity to see why broad generalizations are often merely projections of their own fears. 

Whether or not he is first liar you have dealt with doesn't make a difference. What makes a difference is how you respond to being deceived. If you allow it, be aware that you're standing in your own way. 

Personally? This guy wouldn't pass my sniff test. But you have to set your own standards for the men you let into your life. This guy falls short of my standards. Up to you where you set your bar. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Sheeparnold said:

When everyone on enotalone.com wants me to touch grass.

but seriously im fine it’s not like he’s the first liar I’ve ever talked to. they kind of are all liars. Thanks for the advice. 

How sad. And how untrue.  You're not fine if you interact with people who are shady characters. It's way too risky and dangerous.

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, Sheeparnold said:

When everyone on enotalone.com wants me to touch grass.

but seriously im fine it’s not like he’s the first liar I’ve ever talked to. they kind of are all liars. Thanks for the advice. 

Everyone bull***s a little bit sometimes, but I do think that this modern society we've constructed with all this technology and instant gratification has made it a more prevalent issue. 

You say in one breath that he lied because you think he wants to have sex with you but then in another breath you say don’t think it’s just about sex for him.  How do you know the degree to which those two things are indeed inseparable? Are you really that self-aware and discerning?

Maybe you are, and not knocking you for your choices but we need to be more upfront and forthright about these matters. What is really up with this young man?

[Sheeparnold]

31 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Everyone bull***s a little bit sometimes, but I do think that this modern society we've constructed with all this technology and instant gratification has made it a more prevalent issue. 

You say in one breath that he lied because you think he wants to have sex with you but then in another breath you say don’t think it’s just about sex for him.  How do you know the degree to which those two things are indeed inseparable? Are you really that self-aware and discerning?

Maybe you are, and not knocking you for your choices but we need to be more upfront and forthright about these matters. What is really up with this young man?

I think at first it was just about sex and that’s why he didn’t tell me his age. And now I think he continued to not tell me his age because he didn’t want me to block him. His story might be true but idk I’m hoping it is. I think he’s starting to like me and I don’t thinks it’s completely about sex anymore. He’s at least infatuated with me. he texts me constantly. At work, at home, wherever he goes, no matter what he’s doing. If he just wanted sex I really don’t think he would put this much time into me. Most of the time it’s not sexual either he just talks about himself or asked me what movie I wanna watch next or something like that. I don’t think he gets much attention from girls either so maybe that why he’s putting so much time into me.

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, Sheeparnold said:

I think at first it was just about sex and that’s why he didn’t tell me his age. And now I think he continued to not tell me his age because he didn’t want me to block him. His story might be true but idk I’m hoping it is. I think he’s starting to like me and I don’t thinks it’s completely about sex anymore. He’s at least infatuated with me. he texts me constantly. At work, at home, wherever he goes, no matter what he’s doing. If he just wanted sex I really don’t think he would put this much time into me. Most of the time it’s not sexual either he just talks about himself or asked me what movie I wanna watch next or something like that. I don’t think he gets much attention from girls either so maybe that why he’s putting so much time into me.

If I'm getting this right, it was just about sex to start? You both mutually agreed to that? But then you starting connecting and having feelings. He's not pushing for sex and you have developed some kind of friendship/relationship. 

I think you are trying to sort out what exactly this is and are using this age issue as a way of possibly avoiding getting any closer. The uncertainty in what you are, combined with your social anxiety and inexperience, is making you question every thing. So you are ambivilent. You keep changing your mind. Maybe he is lying and you should end it. Maybe he just wanted sex and it means nothing. No, maybe he is interested in you as more. Maybe you like him more. That would explain why you've said contradictory things.

I don't see that he lied to you. I think somehow you each got a different idea of what the other person thought. When he realized the error, he felt unsure how to correct it without causing a bigger issue (as it seems to have in your mind). So he didn't say anything at first. Eventually he came clean, he just needed time to get there.

As for the relationship, why does everything need a label? You are spending time together and having fun. You seem to care for each other and get each other. If both of you are enjoying it, then keep going. See what happens. Stop trying to read ulterior motives or explanations into every act and just be in the moment with him. When you can fully be present, you will be able to feel what is there and if it is right for you. 

[ShySoul]

13 hours ago, Sheeparnold said:

Okay I guess what I meant to say was I have severe social anxiety. I’ve had mental health issues my whole life and I’m trying to fix them so I can live normally like everyone else. I’m starting to realize I’ve never really lived normally I thought my whole life was normal because all I’ve ever known was feeling the way I feel. So, yeah. I’m trying. I guess it’s not something that will be fixed overnight though. Sometimes I wonder if I belong in a mental hospital.

As someone who has struggled with similar feelings, I've come to see there is no normal. There is only you and how you are. What is acceptable and normal for one, doesn't work for another. People don't need to be fixed. They need to be accepted for who they are. Rather then seeing yourself as abnormal, embrace yourself. See that there isn't something wrong with you, you just think differently or have a unique personality that doesn't match what seems to be standard for others. But the person you are is just as valuable and just as important, just as you are.

10 hours ago, Sheeparnold said:

When everyone on enotalone.com wants me to touch grass.

but seriously im fine it’s not like he’s the first liar I’ve ever talked to. they kind of are all liars. Thanks for the advice. 

Not everyone. I don't necessarily prescribe to the idea that you have to "put yourself out there" or "get out of your comfort zone." I think you should do what is right for you, what makes you happy. If that means being behind a screen and online, do it. Think it's kind of silly for a bunch of people who spend hours a day online posting advice to be telling others to not be online and out in the world. If it makes you happy and no one is being harmed, do it. 

Going out of your comfort zone can actually be harmful if you're not ready or into it. I'd rather say to maximize what is your comfort zone. When you are comfortable, you are happier. You can be the best version of yoursef. So take whatever makes you comfortable and happy, and do something with it. That's living your best life.

And it's not like you didn't just say you went out to movies and other things. So you do socialize when you are comfortable.

Admittedly, there are a lot of liars. But I'd be careful about assuming everyone is a liar. Sometimes it really can be a mistake and isn't a sign of a liar or a problem. Try to focus on the larger picture, which in this case would be how well the two of you are getting along right now and rather or not the feeling you have when together is something you still want to continue to explore.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

"How sad. And how untrue.  You're not fine if you interact with people who are shady characters. It's way too risky and dangerous." You know what -go volunteer at a rape crisis hotline or similar and see how risky it is to be so desperate that you interact with men who do these sorts of things. Then maybe your ha ha emoji wll be more of a "thanks" emoji. 

I never blame the victim but when I almost lost my virginity as a teenager because I wasn't paying attention to the fact that he would have ejaculated and zipped up and walked away, the time I went to a man's house on the second date and wanted to be all "cool" and instead found myself with my wrists pinned to his mattress and I begging him to let me go -he did on my third begging thank goodness so I wasn't raped or the time at a singles resort when I again wanted to be "cool" and invited a drunk man back to the room I shared with a female roommate and he said when I said no to oral sex "well you're smaller than me I could force you if I wanted".  Then he passed out drunk thank goodness. 

My friend's daughter who when she was your age would meet men from the internet or whatever and contracted chlamydia - then regretted her promiscuous behaviors, stopped but when she met a good guy later was terrified to tell him she had an STD as he was very traditional (she did tell him before they got engaged and he was fine with it and they are married). But she was struggling from choices she regretted so much when she was your age and very very needy.  Also with no real friends. Those are just my examples so laugh all you want - I am old enough to be your mother, I have a teenage son and he is introverted and shy but has developed a small, close friend group and it's wonderful for his self esteem and motivates him to stay safe online.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Sheeparnold said:

I think at first it was just about sex and that’s why he didn’t tell me his age. And now I think he continued to not tell me his age because he didn’t want me to block him. His story might be true but idk I’m hoping it is. I think he’s starting to like me and I don’t thinks it’s completely about sex anymore. He’s at least infatuated with me. he texts me constantly. At work, at home, wherever he goes, no matter what he’s doing. If he just wanted sex I really don’t think he would put this much time into me. Most of the time it’s not sexual either he just talks about himself or asked me what movie I wanna watch next or something like that. I don’t think he gets much attention from girls either so maybe that why he’s putting so much time into me.

Yes he would depending on whether his other options are working for him.  Talking about himself and being infatuated with a fantasy is not love is not friendship and is not caring.  You have no idea if he gets attention from other girls, if he also gets attention from boys and wants to have sex with boys or married people or threesomes.  Assume he is not a safe person for you to interact with based on the facts about him you already know - he lied, and he lied because he wanted sex and mostly he still does. Have you done a background check or checked whether he is a registered sex offender? You have his real name, right?

[SophiaG]

19 hours ago, Sheeparnold said:

I’m just gonna keep talking to him because I don’t wanna be alone 

14 hours ago, Sheeparnold said:

I don’t think he gets much attention from girls either so maybe that why he’s putting so much time into me.

Isn't that a sad way of looking at it? Wouldn't you want to be talking to someone who's really into you and who you can trust, not because both of you had no better options?

[Sheeparnold]

1 minute ago, SophiaG said:

Isn't that a sad way of looking at it? Wouldn't you want to be talking to someone who's really into you and who you can trust, not because both of you had no 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

"How sad. And how untrue.  You're not fine if you interact with people who are shady characters. It's way too risky and dangerous." You know what -go volunteer at a rape crisis hotline or similar and see how risky it is to be so desperate that you interact with men who do these sorts of things. Then maybe your ha ha emoji wll be more of a "thanks" emoji. 

I never blame the victim but when I almost lost my virginity as a teenager because I wasn't paying attention to the fact that he would have ejaculated and zipped up and walked away, the time I went to a man's house on the second date and wanted to be all "cool" and instead found myself with my wrists pinned to his mattress and I begging him to let me go -he did on my third begging thank goodness so I wasn't raped or the time at a singles resort when I again wanted to be "cool" and invited a drunk man back to the room I shared with a female roommate and he said when I said no to oral sex "well you're smaller than me I could force you if I wanted".  Then he passed out drunk thank goodness. 

My friend's daughter who when she was your age would meet men from the internet or whatever and contracted chlamydia - then regretted her promiscuous behaviors, stopped but when she met a good guy later was terrified to tell him she had an STD as he was very traditional (she did tell him before they got engaged and he was fine with it and they are married). But she was struggling from choices she regretted so much when she was your age and very very needy.  Also with no real friends. Those are just my examples so laugh all you want - I am old enough to be your mother, I have a teenage son and he is introverted and shy but has developed a small, close friend group and it's wonderful for his self esteem and motivates him to stay safe online.

Woah woah woah if you’re in insinuating this man is a rapist I really don’t think that’s the case. And also it’s not like I meet up with men in the internet regularly. The only shady thing he did was not tell me his age I think it’s a little extreme call him a rapist.

[Sheeparnold]

9 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Isn't that a sad way of looking at it? Wouldn't you want to be talking to someone who's really into you and who you can trust, not because both of you had no better options?

I think it’s hard to find people that don’t do things for their own benefit. And I think it’s hard to find people that actually care. And probably out of anyone I’ve met he cares the most. I think he is really into me. And to be honest he probably is the best option. I’m not very attractive so I probably won’t meet anyone else.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sheeparnold said:

 

I'm not at all.  But once you know the person has lied and that he lied to  get sex and  you didn't do a background check please know the risk of sexual assault and worse goes way up if you choose to meet this person in a private place -or he might have friends who show up with bad or worse motives. Obviously I didn't refer to him as a rapist or anyone actually. So -woah -slow down and stay safe.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sheeparnold said:

I think it’s hard to find people that don’t do things for their own benefit. And I think it’s hard to find people that actually care. And probably out of anyone I’ve met he cares the most. I think he is really into me. And to be honest he probably is the best option. I’m not very attractive so I probably won’t meet anyone else.

Obviously but it's  easy to find people who don't lie to get sex.  Very easy to screen that out.  It's often very hard to find and develop close friendships and relationships. Most worthwhile things in life often have hard times and challenges.  So? That doesn't mean you settle for someone who lies in order to ejaculate inside of you.

[Sheeparnold]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Obviously but it's  easy to find people who don't lie to get sex.  Very easy to screen that out.  It's often very hard to find and develop close friendships and relationships. Most worthwhile things in life often have hard times and challenges.  So? That doesn't mean you settle for someone who lies in order to ejaculate inside of you.

Actually we had safe sex 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Sheeparnold said:

Actually we had safe sex 

So he was tested before and showed you the results? I thought you hadn't met him yet. I'm glad you took some precautions.  

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, Sheeparnold said:

I think it’s hard to find people that don’t do things for their own benefit. And I think it’s hard to find people that actually care. And probably out of anyone I’ve met he cares the most. I think he is really into me. And to be honest he probably is the best option. I’m not very attractive so I probably won’t meet anyone else.

You are very young to have such cynical views. You mentioned being depressed and feeling like you're dragging your body in another thread like the OP describes - have you sought help regarding your mental health? Did you have close friends or date when you were in school?

[Sheeparnold]

6 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

You are very young to have such cynical views. You mentioned being depressed and feeling like you're dragging your body in another thread like the OP describes - have you sought help regarding your mental health? Did you have close friends or date when you were in school?

Yeah I had one boyfriend in highschool but didn’t really work out because we didn’t have a lot of chemistry we just didn’t fit. two friends in middle school. I’m on medication. And did therapy for two to three years in middle school but god I hate sitting there and talking about my problems therapy got me nowhere. I think it can help some people but yeah no I don’t like it.

[catfeeder]

On 1/10/2025 at 12:46 PM, Sheeparnold said:

... it was probably because he knew his age would probably be a deal breaker and wanted to sleep with me if I had to guess. 

I'm so sorry, and it's understandable why you'd be upset. Have you been sexual with him?

Whether he lied outright or not, he misled you. He had the opportunity to correct you when you mentioned his age as 20, and he didn't do that.

You don't know what else he's been misleading you about, and you'll never be able to trust if you go forward with him that he's being truthful or telling you what you want to hear. Is that the way you want to live?

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'm so sorry, and it's understandable why you'd be upset. Have you been sexual with him?

Whether he lied outright or not, he misled you. He had the opportunity to correct you when you mentioned his age as 20, and he didn't do that.

You don't know what else he's been misleading you about, and you'll never be able to trust if you go forward with him that he's being truthful or telling you what you want to hear. Is that the way you want to live?

She wrote to me in the last post that they have had safe sex.  I hadn't been aware that they met in person.

OP sometimes from all I know it takes several tries or more to find a good therapist. I am glad you are on meds and getting help and I hope you find the right therapist.