Ex sent me messages and I feel conflicted

[Holssi]

“I am sorry if this is an extremely ***ty thing to do
But I wanted to thank you
.....u very recently saved me from doing something stupid
And....despite how unfair it is to you
Thank you.....so much....”

This is the message he sent me on Christmas Eve and I haven’t responded yet. Our relationship, despite it being long distance for the most part, was significant for both of us. We loved each other deeply and saw ourselves in each other's future. Despite all the fights, we would make up and love even bigger. On the day of the breakup, he repeatedly told me he loved me and that he couldn’t live without me; hours later after a tense couples therapy session, he dumped me through text as I called him in tears. Despite the tension, I was under the impression that we would survive it as he gave his reassurance during it. He left me because he thought I would never be happy with him and that he would always be a disappointment (both were untrue as I would tell him even in the past) among other things he said that remained unclear to me to this day. The whole breakup was vague to me and happened in a snap. I’ve been depressed, anxious, dissociated, and hypersexual. 

Some time ago, I found out from a mutual friend that he would repeatedly ask about me and how I was doing, until 3 weeks ago, he opened up to our friend that he’s been missing me all the time, is doing badly, and had suicidal ideation. He asked if texting me was a bad idea but our friend couldn’t give a clear answer. I’m flooded with mixed emotions, especially after several therapy sessions about the toll the breakup had on my mental health and my therapist saying that it was a narcissistic relationship (although I had my faults too with how I would deal my emotions). After more than a week of me not responding, he sent me a message apologizing for the messages he sent above and for me to take care. Part of me wants to respond to be on civil terms, but another is angry that he reached out to me in a “bait-like” manner after dumping me that way. Idk what to do. I felt like a wave of heaviness hit me that comes and goes since he sent them and I don’t know how to deal with it. Some days I miss him terribly but sometimes I feel so angry. Is it better to just ignore the messages or respond to them?

[SophiaG]

Ignore the messages and block him to avoid future baits and breadcrumbs. There had been too much drama in this relationship and its aftermath for how long you've actually known each other and how much time you'd spent together. Move away from him and everything about him if you want to heal and live in peace.

[ShySoul]

23 minutes ago, Holssi said:

he opened up to our friend that he’s been missing me all the time, is doing badly, and had suicidal ideation. He asked if texting me was a bad idea but our friend couldn’t give a clear answer. I’m flooded with mixed emotions, especially after several therapy sessions about the toll the breakup had on my mental health and my therapist saying that it was a narcissistic relationship (although I had my faults too with how I would deal my emotions). After more than a week of me not responding, he sent me a message apologizing for the messages he sent above and for me to take care.

This wasn't him breadcrumbing or baiting you. This wasn't him trying to hurt you. This is a hurt person struggling with his emotions and reaching out to someone he thought could help and understand. 

If he is thinking of suicide, then he isn't in the best frame of mind. He is struggling. Even the reason he broke up with you was about him not feeling good enough, like he hated himself for hurting you and didn't think he could be the best person for you. He didn't text out of the blue just to get back with you. He gave it time and thought about how it would impact you. And when he realized it might have still hurt you, he said he was sorry and wished you well. He did the opposite of trying to hurt you, he wished you well.

Hell, even his message featured an apology and was thanking you for everything you've done for him. He didn't ask to back together or meet up. He was simply telling you how much he appreciates what you've done for him. It was supposed to me a nice gesture. It's very possible thinking of you kept him from going through with some of those negative thoughts.

He sounds very messed up. A person like this isn't going to be sure on their actions because they aren't sure about themselves. At times he wants to keep away to not hurt you. But he still cares and feels a need for what you guys had. So he waffles on what he believes he should do. But it seems to come from a place of genuine concern and love.

Respond. It doesn't need to be much. Say something like: "Thanks for the message. I hope you are doing okay." It is polite. It shows that you still care about him and wish him well (as it seems you do). It could potentially help him out in a dark time for him. And it doesn't mean you have to have any more contact if you don't want to. 

The best thing to do when someone hurts you is to just wish them well and not let bad or hurt feelings get in the way of being a polite, caring person. Stay civil, then focus on your own life.

[Kwothe28]

Ah, the one with Reddit accounts. Just ignore and block.

When ex sends a message its about them, not about you. When he saw you are not fallong for his tricks again, he said “Forget about it”. See how dishonest that is. He wrote something but when it had no effect he said for you to forget it. Again, just delete and block.

[Batya33]

Agree with Kwok and Sophia. Also if he told a friend he has suicidal thoughts that friend will be aware and take steps like suggesting he contact a hotline, a physician, a psychiatrist.  I'd be done.

[Andrina]

Your healing scab gets ripped off and you have to start over again at square one every time he forces his presence into your life.

Don't give him that access and power over you. Block.

If you two began from a place of long distance, that's often the type of connection two people who enact barriers choose. Usually because local dating makes them feel a vulnerability and realness they are not ready for. Other reasons could be secrets an LDR person won't find out. One of the main reasons LDRs fall apart, when they've begun in that fashion.

I found that after a breakup, after no contact, it took me about 4 months to no longer think of my ex daily. Be realistic that this might be the same for you, and look forward to that turning point. I hope you've learned some lessons that will be helpful for you for better success romantically in the future. Perhaps try local dating next time, which has a lot more pros than cons in comparison to LDRs.

[TeeDee]

12 hours ago, Holssi said:

Is it better to just ignore the messages or respond to them?

That is entirely up to you.  What will make you feel better?  Don't think about what he wants.  What do you need?  Do that. 

I would ask the friend to call a hotline & get your EX help if he's genuinely suicidal but beyond that I would block & ignore.  What I would do is not necessarily what you should do.  

 

[ShySoul]

On 1/9/2025 at 8:59 PM, Holssi said:

had suicidal ideation

This isn't about a relationship. This is about something deeper, a person's life. 

I have been that person not wanting to live. I have been the person reaching out to someone because I need to feel something, have the sense someone cared. And I have been the one that gets rejected and ignored by those people. That rejection made pushed me closer to making a very bad decision I would have regretted. Well, guess I wouldn't have regretted it since I wouldn't be in this world at all.

What saved me was having just one person willing to talk to me. Not even talk to me, just respond in a way that wasn't tossing me aside. Knowing there was one person in the world who cared about me gave me the courage and motivation to stay in the world. It allowed me to look within myself and find a way to keep pushing forward.

If you ignore him and find out something bad happened to him, how do you think you will feel? Do you want to live with that feeling, knowing a simple word could have made a difference? 

If there is even a chance of a person harming themselves, it is something to take seriously. This isn't the time for assumptions that they are lying to you. This isn't the time to wallow in old wounds. This is the time look past the hurt and offer to help a fellow human being in need. I think if anyone of us were in his shoes, we wouldn't want people to just ignore us in our darkest hours.

That doesn't mean you have to have long conversations or get back together. It doesn't mean you are a therapist guiding him. It can simply mean a kind word of support to show you wish him well. It can be a small message of encouragment asking him to talk to someone if he is feeling down. It can be a thank you for all the good times you had together, while acknowledging that you still need space. 

The kindest gestures are the small ones that make a world of difference. It could potentially help turn his life around. And it could potentially help you heal by getting you to see that talking to him, even in the tiniest of ways, is not the end of the world or a heavy weight that will crush you. 

Do what you feel in your heart is right.

https://www.wernative.org/ayr-questions/my-ex-is-depressed-and-suicidal-help

[ShySoul]

Also, I tried no contact for several months. I still thought of them everyday. I still felt hurt everyday. It wasn't until I did talk to them that I was able to heal. Avoiding them was just running from my feelings, trying to mask them as I distracting myself with other things. But they were still there and the slightest thing would bring it back. Actually hearing from the person, talking it out, and coming to a place of understanding with each other was how I got better. I needed that contact and so did she. 

The best way to know you really are okay is when you can talk to a person and see you come out alright. But if you always avoid him, you'll never really know how you will react or if you are really healing.

Healing is an individual thing. What works for one doesn't work for others. Don't think there is any way you need to handle this. Handle it in the way your heart and conscience tells you that you should. If that means not contacting him, fine. If that means talking to him, fine. The only person who knows the situation and the people involved truly is you.

 

[Holssi]

Thank you to all those who replied to this thread. I really appreciate it. 

I decided not to respond after deeper reflection seeing as the manner in which he broke up with me was traumatizing and left me with a tanked self-esteem, abandonment and trust issues, massive anxiety, depression and hypersexuality I’m all trying to work on with professional help. For a moment, I thought that talking to him might help given what we had and I felt bad for him but then I realized here that it would be disrespectful to myself given how the manner in which he dumped me affected me deeply. 

Again, thank you all