Two guys talking to me at once what do I do?

[marmar]

So I'm on a dating site. Now I have a date lined up with one guy but meanwhile this other guy started messaging me who seems he might be more my type. I'm thinking I'll go to the date I already have planned and then if that doesn't work, date the other guy. I feel so bad though. Any thoughts? The guy I'm going on the date with looks unattractive in his photos but I might like him. The other guy seems better though to me so far from the messages. Don't know if it's ok to talk to both guys at once.

[ShySoul]

If you are meeting through a dating site, most people are approaching it as meeting as many people as possible to see what sticks. They generally don't have a problem if someone is talking to other people as well. So you wouldn't be doing anything wrong or that others wouldn't probably do.

If you agreed to meet the first guy, you should follow through. It would be rude to cancel or back out. Plus, you can't judge a book by it's cover. Just because someone doesn't have a flattering photo, doesn't mean they are unattractive. It could be bad picture. You might find you have a lot in common and that your attraction to him grows - both physically and on the more imporant emotional level. But you don't know if you never meet him and see.

I also caution against getting in the habit of thinking there will be another guy to go to if things don't work out. I've seen people do this and thus they never really give their full effort and attention to the one they are with. I'm not saying you were thinking this way, just that I've seen people fall into that trap. They treat people as a number and not an individual. 

Really, the most important thing is to do what you are comfortable with. Talk to who you want to talk to. Go with how you are feeling after you've talked with them and met. You're the one who knows what you are looking for, so trust yourself.

[Jaunty]

You certainly don't have to be "exclusive" with someone you haven't even met.

It's a good idea to keep the "talking" to a minimum so neither of you start to feel like you're in a relationship because of that.  The first encounter IMO is more of a meeting than a real date.  

I also think it's probably unlikely that you'll know if you want to be in a serious relationship with anyone after meeting them one time.

[catfeeder]

9 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You certainly don't have to be "exclusive" with someone you haven't even met.

I agree. I don't know where you got this idea that you must be exclusive. The whole point of dating sites is to screen out bad matches and set up meets with as many potential good matches as possible. This isn't some big commitment--it's to learn whether you like them or not. Don't try to decide that through messages--although you can screen people out based on messages that don't inspire you to meet them.

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It's a good idea to keep the "talking" to a minimum so neither of you start to feel like you're in a relationship because of that.  The first encounter IMO is more of a meeting than a real date.  

Yep. The goal isn't to build a fantasy around a person, it's to meet them and learn about them. From there you can decide whether you'll want to date them after that.

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I also think it's probably unlikely that you'll know if you want to be in a serious relationship with anyone after meeting them one time.

True. The idea is to learn enough about people to either screen them out of your dating pool or to date them. There's no law that says you can't meet with a few different people, even if you decide to date one or two of them. From there you can narrow down who you may want to continue seeing.

Screening people out is an important step in all of this. Some people just keep dating anyone who will date them, and that's a waste of time. If you don't enjoy someone, don't accept the next date, and move onto the next person.

[ShySoul]

What do you feel is right for you? What fits your personality?

There is nothing wrong with not being exclusive and seeing several people. There is also nothing wrong with choosing to focus on only one person at a time. Personally, I can't date or think about multiple people at the same time. It just isn't me.

Why do you feel bad? Why do you think you feel guilty about this? Are you trying to fit some way you think you are supposed to handle things? Or do naturally prefer to talk to one person at a time? You've mentioned religion and mental health issues in the past. Do you think either of those are influencing how you feel about this?

There are many ways to approach these things. None of them are right or wrong. All that matters is what is right for you.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, marmar said:

So I'm on a dating site. Now I have a date lined up with one guy but meanwhile this other guy started messaging me who seems he might be more my type. I'm thinking I'll go to the date I already have planned and then if that doesn't work, date the other guy. I feel so bad though. Any thoughts? The guy I'm going on the date with looks unattractive in his photos but I might like him. The other guy seems better though to me so far from the messages. Don't know if it's ok to talk to both guys at once.

When I was on dating sites I often had 4 first meets in a week or more, sometimes 2 in one day. I wasn't dating them. I met ASAP in person for a first meet to see if we should go on a real date.  I dated multiple men at once because my goal was marriage and I refused to put all my eggs in one basket for someone I'd just met. I made an exception for my future husband because we'd dated seriously in the past. When we got back together we were exclusive from then on.  Talking to men isn't dating.  First meets are not a date.  I never had casual sex so when I multi-dated to find the right person to marry, we didn't have intercourse.  Most often I was exclusive within 6-8 weeks of dating -they would ask - seeing each other about once a week.  I stopped dating someone if after 4 dates at the most I didn't feel a spark/future potential. Often it was much sooner.  Where I did all my dating my approach was typical -it was assumed everyone was meeting lots of people in whatever way, and not exclusive until discussed. Some people who had casual sex talked about sexual monogamy to avoid STD risks. I didn't need to do that.

You do you -everyone has different goals in why they are dating but you are dating no one right now.  And I know in certain cultures multidating is not ok. 

[Coily]

Talking with someone through a online dating platform is pretty much the wild west. You need to take a bit of a mercenary mindset. Talking isn't dating. Even going on one or two dates, is not dating.

It initially felt weird to me too, but over time I realized that I need to weed the women I was talking to out. I had to change my thinking of direct messages on a dating platform being the same as private messages with someone I was seeing. It was more of talking with someone at a party or other group setting; and deciding if I wanted to give them my number.

[SophiaG]

It is not at all uncommon to be talking with or seeing multiple people on a dating site. The first meeting isn’t really a date in many people’s books - it’s pretty much just meeting the other person to see if they are who they claim to be and if you get along in person. Until you really get to know them and develop attraction - to me this can take 3-5 dates - nobody should be expecting any kind of commitment or exclusivity. “Focusing” on one person at this time, especially when you haven’t even met, is unfortunately often a good way to put too much pressure on someone or to over invest in something not worth investing in. Relax and just approach the meeting/talking as getting to know a new friend before deciding if there’s mutual romantic interest. Good luck and enjoy! 

[Batya33]

Also it's bad form to share who else you are talking to or meeting IMO -it's assumed and  tacky to mention.  

[smackie9]

You owe no one anything at this point. You choose whatever you would like. Just have the courtesy to give advance notice if you decide to cancel. And say nothing to the effect you are going on a date with someone else. What you do is no one's business. You should never feel guilty that you find someone else to be a better option. 

[Andrina]

15 hours ago, marmar said:

this other guy started messaging me who seems he might be more my type.

Best to not make a lot of assumptions before an actual in-person meet. That's just the beginning of reality instead of the fantasy of who a person appears to be with online messages and communication. And if it even gets past the first meet, more and more is revealed, of course, either good or bad, over time. 

As said, best to have a don't ask, don't tell policy. Everyone should assume multidating is happening until it gets to the point of a conversation like: I really have enjoyed these past few months with you. What would you think about becoming exclusive?

I was never one to multidate after getting to the point of making out with a guy. If it got to that point and the guy wasn't on the same page of becoming exclusive, I no longer dated him.

Keep first meets doing cheap stuff like coffee, and keep the meet short, like an hour, even if you're enjoying yourselves. Gradually increasing the time spent together with each new date is a wiser way to pace things. Too much, too soon can spell disaster.

Good luck and have fun.

[yogacat]

Stick to what feels right to YOU. If you feel okay talking to both guys at once, then do it. However, if you feel like you're leading one of them on, then maybe prioritize the one you feel more interested in. I have never multi-dated but I did talk to other men when I was dating someone consistently for the first month and a half and after a while it didn't feel right to keep talking to them so I told them I met someone that I really liked and would prefer to just focus on that. 

This was offline (not on a dating site, so may be a bit different of course...).

Ultimately, it's your dating life and you have the right to explore your options. As long as you're not actively leading anyone on or intentionally playing games which it doesn't sound like you are, then don't feel bad.

Just try to be considerate of others' feelings and be honest about your own. Good luck!

[ShySoul]

Just because other people do it, doesn't make it right. Just because it is common, doesn't mean it will be helpful or useful. It is your choice, your heart. Find what is right for you.

 

[ShySoul]

As an alternative viewpoint, there are many reasons why dating multiple people can be harmful and focusing on one person at a time can be beneficial.

Look up the paradox of choice. More options decreases the value of each option. Hard to form a deeper connection.

https://www.glamour.com/story/dating-online-dating-one-person

"The biggest reason that I don't like dating more than one person at a time is that it fosters what I like to call channel-surfing syndrome. You know how, when you have 200 channels on TV, you end up surfing through *all *of them? To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, you're not looking for what's on, you're looking for what else is on. I feel like it's the same with dating. When you go for the blitzkrieg approach, a lot of people are never happy with what they find because they never know what they might encounter the next day.

https://www.ambergrubenmann.com/blog/the-case-for-dating-one-person-at-a-time

"I started to notice that dating just one person at a time had some really positive effects.

I felt like I had a lot more energy in life. I went from feeling a little bit rushed and a little bit pressured to feeling relaxed and enjoying the process more.

I also noticed when I shifted into this very intentional energy, the other person could feel that energy too.

They feel like, this is my chance. This is my opportunity. This is the window in this person's life where we get to see what this connection is made of."

https://ignitedating.co.uk/why-you-should-date-only-one-person-at-a-time/

"Not only that, but you will find that by keeping your options open, you essentially become emotionally unavailable and sit on the fence when on a date. This means that you might miss out on some potentially great connections and relationships because you were too focused on whether something better is on the horizon rather than concentrating on the opportunity right in front of you."

 

[SophiaG]

Messaging and meeting multiple people on a dating site is not "dating multiple people". If you equate "liking" a profile and sending messages with dating, you probably shouldn't use dating sites. 

[catfeeder]

17 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Messaging and meeting multiple people on a dating site is not "dating multiple people". If you equalize "liking" a profile and sending messages as dating, you probably shouldn't use dating sites. 

I agree. You may want to 'date' only one person at a time, but you can 'talk' with and 'meet' enough people to figure out who that will be.

To me, it just makes no sense to nix anyone who might turn out to be fabulous only to find out that the one guy you focused on 'talking to' turns out to be a lousy match. That's killing off your own options, especially when you start grasping that most people are NOT a good match. That's just natural odds.

[ShySoul]

On 1/8/2025 at 9:14 PM, marmar said:

I feel so bad though

Other people will do whatever is right for them. @marmar this is about what is right for you. Do you feel right talking to multiple people? Or is there a reason you feel bad? There is no right answer here. What anyone else would do or thinks is not the question. This is solely about listening to the voice inside you and what you feel comfortable doing. If you want to talk to or date multiple people, your choice. If you don't, don't. I think there is a reason you feel bad and the key here is to figure out what that reason is. That will determine what you should do. 

You've also mentioned a lot of emotional issues in the past. Could those issues be impacting your decision or feelings on the subject? I'd think about what you want most and just do what your gut tells you to do.

For that matter, why are you on the dating site? Is this something you are comfortable with in general? If you feel bad about what most would consider normal procedure, perhaps it isn't the best fit for you?

Not trying to sway you one way or the other. Not trying to impose my opinions onto you. Just think taking a closer look at why you are doing this and why you are feeling like this might make your choice a bit clearer. As always, trust yourself and do what is best FOR YOU.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

Messaging and meeting multiple people on a dating site is not "dating multiple people". If you equate "liking" a profile and sending messages with dating, you probably shouldn't use dating sites. 

Isn't the purpose of sending those message to see if you can get a date? So if you are sending multiple messages on a dating site, then you are at the very least trying to date multiple people. It's not called a "meeting" site. It's called a "dating" site.

And using marmar's own words, it certainly seems like she is viewing this as "dating multiple people."

On 1/8/2025 at 9:14 PM, marmar said:

I'm thinking I'll go to the date I already have planned and then if that doesn't work, date the other guy. I feel so bad though. Any thoughts? The guy I'm going on the date with looks unattractive in his photos but I might like him.

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I agree. You may want to 'date' only one person at a time, but you can 'talk' with and 'meet' enough people to figure out who that will be.

To me, it just makes no sense to nix anyone who might turn out to be fabulous only to find out that the one guy you focused on 'talking to' turns out to be a lousy match. That's killing off your own options, especially when you start grasping that most people are NOT a good match. That's just natural odds.

Yes. It's fine if  you don't need or want other options like if you do a dating site while you're visiting another city or country for a month for work -you just want someone to see the sights with and maybe a little romance -so if it works cool if not cool. 

There was one man who wanted me to promise I wouldn't look to meet anyone else untl we could meet in a month. I almost never did long distance and honestly don't remember why he was an exception. As soon as he said that I said no.  We  then continued to stay in touch purely platonic and lo and behold 5 years later I'd married, had a baby and relocated to the city where he has a lot of family.  He was coming to my new city to meet an online gal. 

He suggested for fun that we meet for a walk in the park- me, my husband and baby and his date. Husband couldn't make it but baby and I went and it was lovely to meet him.  I've seen him a couple of times since then when he visits our city and now we hire him for IT support so it's all good. I knew right away I would never wait a month to meet someone and agree to restrict my options -made no sense to me. Still does not.

[SophiaG]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Isn't the purpose of sending those message to see if you can get a date? So if you are sending multiple messages on a dating site, then you are at the very least trying to date multiple people. It's not called a "meeting" site. It's called a "dating" site.

And using marmar's own words, it certainly seems like she is viewing this as "dating multiple people."

 

Getting a date is not the same as dating someone. Words may have multiple meanings but when people say they're "dating" someone I wouldn't think that means they've gone on one "date" with them and probably never see them again, which realistically is what happens with most matches on dating sites. Many people don't consider that first meeting a date either - it's just semantics by that point. "Dating multiple people" as in, being romantically involved with multiple people without them knowing it - arguably misleading them into thinking you are somewhat exclusively dating them or committed to them - that's bad for sure. But "dating multiple people" as in reaching out to multiple people and arranging meetings with the potential objective of dating them or responding to their messages to the same effect? Shaming that is like saying you should only apply to one job when you're laid off or only try to befriend one kid and turn everyone else away when you start a new school.

I can see you believe in "follow you heart" "do whatever feels right to YOU" principles regarding most issues. Respectfully, sometimes feelings are misinformed and can be plainly harmful if followed blindly. Often times people ask questions because they have conflicted feelings or know they probably shouldn't do what they feel like at the moment - and they need to be told so by a third party. Not to mention, feelings can and do change. Everyone probably had the experience of doing something they felt was right only to regret it later. If people always follow their feelings they'd probably never mature past infancy - always seeking instant gratification etc.

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Dating multiple people" as in, being romantically involved with multiple people without them knowing it - arguably misleading them into thinking you are somewhat exclusively dating them or committed to them - that's bad for sure.

When I dated -for 24 years on and off in NYC it was assumed that unless you agreed to be exclusive  you were not.  And you didn't discuss who else you were dating or looking to date. I know in certain European countries it's assumed you are exclusive.  I never put all my eggs in one basket especially when it was someone I'd never met before like a blind date/fix up or an online site.  I wanted marriage so cutting off options early on made no sense to me and would impede my goal.  So I never mislead anyone.

[TeeDee]

The point of being on a dating site is to talk to multiple people.  Again, it's generally assumed that if you meet somebody through a dating site, that the people are meeting up with other too.  There is nothing to feel bad about. 

After you meet the person, if you click then you can decide if you want to only focus on that person but it kind of defeats the purpose of the site if you focus too early, especially before you even meet. 

[SophiaG]

54 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

When I dated -for 24 years on and off in NYC it was assumed that unless you agreed to be exclusive  you were not.  And you didn't discuss who else you were dating or looking to date. I know in certain European countries it's assumed you are exclusive.  I never put all my eggs in one basket especially when it was someone I'd never met before like a blind date/fix up or an online site.  I wanted marriage so cutting off options early on made no sense to me and would impede my goal.  So I never mislead anyone.

I agree but there can be a murky area where the exclusivity conversation hasn't happened yet but one or both parties might feel guilty to continue using the app or seeing others. Misunderstandings are common.

My rule of thumb is once I'm certain of my feelings toward someone (I usually don't develop feelings until after several dates) I'd pause meeting new matches - I might still go on other previously arranged "dates" but I'd start feeling bad quickly if the ambiguous situation lasts much longer.

 

[yogacat]

12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

As an alternative viewpoint, there are many reasons why dating multiple people can be harmful and focusing on one person at a time can be beneficial.

Look up the paradox of choice. More options decreases the value of each option. Hard to form a deeper connection.

https://www.glamour.com/story/dating-online-dating-one-person

"The biggest reason that I don't like dating more than one person at a time is that it fosters what I like to call channel-surfing syndrome. You know how, when you have 200 channels on TV, you end up surfing through *all *of them? To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, you're not looking for what's on, you're looking for what else is on. I feel like it's the same with dating. When you go for the blitzkrieg approach, a lot of people are never happy with what they find because they never know what they might encounter the next day.

https://www.ambergrubenmann.com/blog/the-case-for-dating-one-person-at-a-time

"I started to notice that dating just one person at a time had some really positive effects.

I felt like I had a lot more energy in life. I went from feeling a little bit rushed and a little bit pressured to feeling relaxed and enjoying the process more.

I also noticed when I shifted into this very intentional energy, the other person could feel that energy too.

They feel like, this is my chance. This is my opportunity. This is the window in this person's life where we get to see what this connection is made of."

https://ignitedating.co.uk/why-you-should-date-only-one-person-at-a-time/

"Not only that, but you will find that by keeping your options open, you essentially become emotionally unavailable and sit on the fence when on a date. This means that you might miss out on some potentially great connections and relationships because you were too focused on whether something better is on the horizon rather than concentrating on the opportunity right in front of you."

 

I know I may be in the minority here but multi-dating to me seems if one person isn't working out you'll have someone else lined up. A backup plan.

Furthermore, constantly comparing and evaluating multiple dates can prevent you from fully getting to know any of them. You may miss out on important red flags or positive attributes because you're too focused on finding the "perfect" person among your options.

It can be emotionally exhausting and can lead to burnout. Constantly trying to keep up with multiple people and maintaining different relationships can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being.

In contrast, when you focus on dating one person at a time, you are able to give them your full attention and effort. And if it doesn't work out, you can move on to the next person with a clean slate, rather than constantly juggling multiple people and emotions.

But if you're just at the talking stage that's fine understandably in that phase I can see talking to one, two or maybe three people especially if there's some other circumstances. However, once it becomes an established courtship, I strongly believe in giving that one person your undivided attention.

OP, you have to find what works for you. There is no right or wrong way to go about dating. But if you're feeling bad about talking to multiple guys at once, then it may not be the best approach for you. That's how we figure out our own personal dating style.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I agree but there can be a murky area where the exclusivity conversation hasn't happened yet but one or both parties might feel guilty to continue using the app or seeing others. Misunderstandings are common.

My rule of thumb is once I'm certain of my feelings toward someone (I usually don't develop feelings until after several dates) I'd pause meeting new matches - I might still go on other previously arranged "dates" but I'd start feeling bad quickly if the ambiguous situation lasts much longer.

 

Yes I can totally understand and when I dated zero murkiness in that way.  App related or otherwise.  There was one guy who took me out once or twice Then saw me dancing with a guy at a singles event (who was a friend actually -he wanted us to make his ex jealous lol) and left and went and got drunk and told me about it at the next and final date. I don't think we'd even really kissed.  I felt zero guilt and was really shocked.  I was upset when I saw a man I'd been seeing for 2 months log on when he got home from our  date but not because he was doing anything wrong because I knew I was feeling attached and needed to say something.  So I did.  

Again I can totally see murky areas and whether I met in person or through an app unless you decided to be exclusive you weren't. Hurt feelings were owned by the person having them and that person obviously could decide how to proceed.