Do I Talk To My Casual Relationship Partner First or Just Go Away Quietly?

[EitherDare10]

Another part of me is wondering though if I just shut it down for awhile and see what she does.

I hate that it may be a little manipulative, but we have done a lot of fun things lately. She has a lot of memories, a lot of fun photos and pictures in there. 

Perhaps I just pull back entirely, focus solely on me and protect my peace, without any real gesture or notion of why.  Give her a chance to miss me a little, maybe start to feel how her life is without me in it now, and it that bothers her or not. 

Not block her or ghost her or anything... answer if she responds etc. I don't really see it hurting much. IF she is starting to feel more for me, she'll be wondering/thinking about me. If she hasn't, then maybe my absence won't bother her at all. She has her dating profile after all. 

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

That's just it, I am feeling pretty uncomfortable. Seeing the dating app really was a punch to the gut. Not that she did anything wrong, but still. Unfortunately, there is no real way to know how serious she is taking the app. I will say all her photos on there are within the last month or less. Could be a good sign, could be a bad one. Her looking for is " Looking for Friendship or Longterm Relationship" 

Could that mean she is now open to something serious? Could that be something put out there to repel the hookup culture? Could that be she is open to serious now just not me? Unfortunately, only she knows.

I will say this weekend will be a little bit of a litmus test, assuming she still comes Saturday. So right now I am only looking to that. Go from there I guess. 

Assume she is on a dating app because she wishes to advertise that she is single and looking for what she indicated.  Don't overthink that. Not some fancy word salad "repel the hookup culture".  I wrote in my profile what I was looking for for the basic and positive reason so that men who weren't looking for marriage and kids wouldn't click on my profile. Not to "repel" some vague contrived "culture."  There have always been people who at various times in their lives decided to hook up casually.  Back when I went to clubs many of the people who were regulars at the huge dance clubs on their own were there to dance, to potentially drink/do drugs at some points (this was before "raves") and I typically assumed they weren't there to find a wife unless it was a singles event sponsored by a specific organization. 

Here is what you know.  She is willing to risk you seeing her profile and being turned off from pursuing her.  She is opening the door to being contacted by men looking for a potentially serious relationship.  She is not waiting for you to be ready or for herself to be ready for you. 

Yes you will have more info when  you see her in person.

I will add this - I did not know at all that my dating profile was still visible for quite awhile.  I stopped paying so I couldn't check emails and I logged in when a friend would ask me to look at a profile (yes I would tell my future husband this although he was no longer on that site), but I thought since I didn't pay I was not there anymore (I believe I hid my profile).  The man I met through the site and ended things with I believe let me know he could still see my profile. So I called the site and asked it be removed. But I guess- someone might have assumed I was still looking -however it was  the same profile I'd had there for a really long time. Anyway...

[EitherDare10]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Assume she is on a dating app because she wishes to advertise that she is single and looking for what she indicated.  Don't overthink that. Not some fancy word salad "repel the hookup culture".  I wrote in my profile what I was looking for for the basic and positive reason so that men who weren't looking for marriage and kids wouldn't click on my profile. Not to "repel" some vague contrived "culture."  There have always been people who at various times in their lives decided to hook up casually.  Back when I went to clubs many of the people who were regulars at the huge dance clubs on their own were there to dance, to potentially drink/do drugs at some points (this was before "raves") and I typically assumed they weren't there to find a wife unless it was a singles event sponsored by a specific organization. 

Here is what you know.  She is willing to risk you seeing her profile and being turned off from pursuing her.  She is opening the door to being contacted by men looking for a potentially serious relationship.  She is not waiting for you to be ready or for herself to be ready for you. 

Yes you will have more info when  you see her in person.

I will add this - I did not know at all that my dating profile was still visible for quite awhile.  I stopped paying so I couldn't check emails and I logged in when a friend would ask me to look at a profile (yes I would tell my future husband this although he was no longer on that site), but I thought since I didn't pay I was not there anymore (I believe I hid my profile).  The man I met through the site and ended things with I believe let me know he could still see my profile. So I called the site and asked it be removed. But I guess- someone might have assumed I was still looking -however it was  the same profile I'd had there for a really long time. Anyway...

My point is some people use dating apps for attention and a way to go in fun dates... doesn't mean they are wanting serious. Hell, 4 years ago I did just that to distract from someone I wasn't over.  I mean, if you are looking for casual dates and to have fun... which is pretty much what I am to her... a dating app could be a good way to find more. I was never of the belief she'd only casually date me. That being said, yeah of course it could mean exactly what it says. I just know from lady friends that if you put "Short term relationship" or something too brief, it attracts tons of men who just message you asking to have sex. Even on Tinder, you see a lot of ladies who put "Seeking a committed relationship" then come to find out they just want to F around... but it makes them feel better by not just saying it lol. I have had several discussions on this. People often don't mean what they say. 

Yes she is willing to have a dating profile and be open to others. Just like I have too the entire time. 

Well idk how recent she started it, but I can tell you with 100% certainly she sure has updated it lately, because every photo of her is within the last month. Because they are photos she's posted on her IG story in real-time etc lol. So definitely not an "oops forgot I was on there" 

Obviously my initial reaction and gut instinct is that she is very much open for consideration. Now I guess it begs the question, does that include me or not. 

[yogacat]

I think you're twisting yourself in knots trying to get into a relationship with this girl which is why you keep thinking up crazy schemes. If you focus all your attention on her and she doesn't feel the same way it's going to be a hard blow to your ego and a painful process to try and move on. Instead of focusing all your attention on her, try to branch out and talk to other people too. Show her that you're a well-rounded person with a life of your own and you're not just focused on her.

[EitherDare10]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I think you're twisting yourself in knots trying to get into a relationship with this girl which is why you keep thinking up crazy schemes. If you focus all your attention on her and she doesn't feel the same way it's going to be a hard blow to your ego and a painful process to try and move on. Instead of focusing all your attention on her, try to branch out and talk to other people too. Show her that you're a well-rounded person with a life of your own and you're not just focused on her.

Yeah, I am trying to be open to other people, but when I like someone like this, I find it hard. I just find myself unmotivated.... I've left a lot of girls on read in my dating profile sadly. 

She knows I have plenty of life without her. I am blessed to have a *** ton of friends and I am constantly up to fun things. That's a large part of what drew her to me in the first place when we met. She loved our vibe as a group.

When I met that other girl and started to really like her a lot, it took so much focus off this girl. But now that she's gone... yeah I have found myself pretty attached. Wish I didnt. 

[Morello]

Bringing up the dating profile thing with her is not the silver bullet you think it is. She might sugarcoat it; she might come up with all sorts of reasons, which might be true on that day and not true on the next.

The real thing you want to know is how she feels about dating YOU.

Given everything you shared, the best approach seems to be to bring it up with her that you enjoyed the last few weeks and have been wondering if there's any potential between the two of you when the right time comes, if she sees you as a dating prospect in the future or not. Playing hard to get for a bit will only increase the uncertainty about everything and, consequently, your anxiety.

[yogacat]

59 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

When I met that other girl and started to really like her a lot, it took so much focus off this girl. But now that she's gone... yeah I have found myself pretty attached. Wish I didnt. 

So you did meet someone else that you were attracted to. What happened with that?

[EitherDare10]

47 minutes ago, yogacat said:

So you did meet someone else that you were attracted to. What happened with that?

After 4 dates… she said things were moving a little too fast. I agreed. She said she just felt overwhelmed and that she might have lost romantic connection. I tried to give it a little space to see if we could pump the breaks and still find the common ground. But she pulled away entirely and lost interest. In a nutshell 

That girl was right though. I got way too excited and felt a false sense of security and was too much. Only can learn from it for next time. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, EitherDare10 said:

My point is some people use dating apps for attention and a way to go in fun dates... doesn't mean they are wanting serious. Hell, 4 years ago I did just that to distract from someone I wasn't over. 

I wrote that. I suggest  you assume she is on a dating site because she wants to keep her options open, meet men for romantic purposes, and potentially for something serious - to protect your heart since you get attached and particularly vulnerable. I know and have known since the year 1999 or so that people go on dating sites and apps just for fun and for many many reasons.

I think it is  extremely rare if a person wants to be with another person who wants to be with them for potentially serious reasons that that pesrson would be on a dating app.  At the very least that person -who obviously wouldn't want to turn off her special person in any way -would tell the person "look I am on the fence about being serious with you and I am still active on dating sites. I realize we might then not have our chance but that's my decision" -that person would not want you just to find  out.  That is my opinion also based on common sense -people move towards pleasure and away from pain and why in the world someone would risk the opportunity to be with a potentially special person who could be forever by advertising themselves as single and risking their special person discovering it.

I knew my short term relationship in 2005 likely wasn't going anywhere good when he logged back into a dating site the same day he'd just seen me.  So I tweaked my profile so it came up and viewed his (we weren't yet exclusive) -he said "look I'm not quite there yet with being exclusive but almost and can we give it more time." I said yes and internally I gave it one more month. Less than a month later he showed me a scary side of him so I ended it then. He met his future wife within the year.  So he was looking for serious. Just not with me.

 

[EitherDare10]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I wrote that. I suggest  you assume she is on a dating site because she wants to keep her options open, meet men for romantic purposes, and potentially for something serious - to protect your heart since you get attached and particularly vulnerable. I know and have known since the year 1999 or so that people go on dating sites and apps just for fun and for many many reasons.

I think it is  extremely rare if a person wants to be with another person who wants to be with them for potentially serious reasons that that pesrson would be on a dating app.  At the very least that person -who obviously wouldn't want to turn off her special person in any way -would tell the person "look I am on the fence about being serious with you and I am still active on dating sites. I realize we might then not have our chance but that's my decision" -that person would not want you just to find  out.  That is my opinion also based on common sense -people move towards pleasure and away from pain and why in the world someone would risk the opportunity to be with a potentially special person who could be forever by advertising themselves as single and risking their special person discovering it.

I knew my short term relationship in 2005 likely wasn't going anywhere good when he logged back into a dating site the same day he'd just seen me.  So I tweaked my profile so it came up and viewed his (we weren't yet exclusive) -he said "look I'm not quite there yet with being exclusive but almost and can we give it more time." I said yes and internally I gave it one more month. Less than a month later he showed me a scary side of him so I ended it then. He met his future wife within the year.  So he was looking for serious. Just not with me.

 

Yes, I think we can all agree she has her options open and is not necessarily beholden to me. Her and I agreed to casual dating. I think we can 1,000% agree she is talking to and has or is going on dates with other men. Like I mentioned, we just don't know for sure in what capacity. Some girls do that simply for fun and are not serious about meeting anyone. She may be of that mindset. OR she may be entirely of that mindset but meets someone who changes it. OR, she may be secretly dating with intent now.

In relation to me, when she told me she wanted casual on, I agreed, and said I probably wasn't in a headspace for serious either. Which was partially true I guess. So, she could very well currently be under the impression I am not serious about her either. She could have also seen my dating profile and be thinking the same about me as I am her. No way to know but ask I guess.  

What if I have to figure out, is can I stomach what we are now, with no idea if it ever changes OR maybe even knowing it never will change (like if she tells me she cant ever see me in that capacity)

I am at crossroads because I truly love spending time with her, but I also know that this currrent status cannot go on forever, regardless. 

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

So, she could very well currently be under the impression I am not serious about her either. She could have also seen my dating profile and be thinking the same about me as I am her. No way to know but ask I guess.  

Bolded, so you also have an active dating profile?  Is it the same app?

This is new information (I think) and quite relevant!

When will you see her again?  This weekend?

Have the talk, keep it positive. 

Keep us posted!  

[EitherDare10]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bolded, so you also have an active dating profile?  Is it the same app?

This is new information (I think) and quite relevant!

When will you see her again?  This weekend?

Have the talk, keep it positive. 

Keep us posted!  

Yes, it's the same one as her. The reason I saw hers in the first place is because it put her up on my "Lucky Pick" or something of that nature, where it recommended that person to me as a likely fit. Pretty funny if you think about it. So I guess it's possible it did the same for her or she possibly saw mine naturally. Idk. I did not swipe either way lol, fortunately she dropped off my recommended. In fact, I have 2 apps, been active the whole time. We are not exclusive so felt no harm in it, just as she has no fault for having one either, she is entirely justified.

I'm supposed to see her this weekend yes. I had invited her to a show that a handful of us will be at for my friends bday. She reaffirmed on Monday that she was coming... so unless she bails, I will see her. Will be kind of tough to talk about this kind of stuff though. I am thinking about trying to work it out after the show somehow.

But we'll see, she seems a bit off this week. She got mad/slightly annoyed at me for something extremely trivial, so I left that be. She has not posted on her socials at all this week, which is extremely irregular for her. So idk, maybe she is having a bad week, but she does seem a bit off. 

[Batya33]

Or she might have new social media profiles. You’ll know more when you see her. 

[EitherDare10]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Or she might have new social media profiles. You’ll know more when you see her. 

New social media profiles? Why?

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

New social media profiles? Why?

Why not. Maybe she felt like it. Certain of my friends over the years switched sites or left others. 

[EitherDare10]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why not. Maybe she felt like it. Certain of my friends over the years switched sites or left others. 

Nah, she is very active on IG and Snap... she just hasn't posted really at all this week. She did finally today but definitely was unordinary for her to go like a week without anything. Not reading too much into it though.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

Nah, she is very active on IG and Snap... she just hasn't posted really at all this week. She did finally today but definitely was unordinary for her to go like a week without anything. Not reading too much into it though.

Sure sounds good. Hope all goes well. 

[yogacat]

20 hours ago, EitherDare10 said:

After 4 dates… she said things were moving a little too fast. I agreed. She said she just felt overwhelmed and that she might have lost romantic connection. I tried to give it a little space to see if we could pump the breaks and still find the common ground. But she pulled away entirely and lost interest. In a nutshell 

That girl was right though. I got way too excited and felt a false sense of security and was too much. Only can learn from it for next time. 

Except your current interest expressed that she is NOT "in a headspace for something serious right now and does not want to lead you on." Even if you were dating other women, which you are free to do, she would express some type of displeasure with that. But she hasn't. I would enjoy her company for now but keep it casual. She is telling you exactly how it is (very polite and respectful BTW) and would be surprising if she changes her mind soon.

You can't cajole someone into something they don't want.

When I was dating someone for a couple of months I chose to stop talking with other men without putting a label on whatever it was between us. I did because I honestly had NO INTEREST in talking to anyone else. Of course, everyone moves at their own pace.  

Sometimes courting a girl is like taking a boat out to the dock; If you press too hard on the throttle chances are you're going to slam into the dock. Take it easy, go slow and steer the boat. And don't worry; the boat won't sink, there are plenty of fish in the sea and when you find one that you like, and the interest is mutual, it's well and good.

[EitherDare10]

7 hours ago, yogacat said:

Except your current interest expressed that she is NOT "in a headspace for something serious right now and does not want to lead you on." Even if you were dating other women, which you are free to do, she would express some type of displeasure with that. But she hasn't. I would enjoy her company for now but keep it casual. She is telling you exactly how it is (very polite and respectful BTW) and would be surprising if she changes her mind soon.

You can't cajole someone into something they don't want.

When I was dating someone for a couple of months I chose to stop talking with other men without putting a label on whatever it was between us. I did because I honestly had NO INTEREST in talking to anyone else. Of course, everyone moves at their own pace.  

Sometimes courting a girl is like taking a boat out to the dock; If you press too hard on the throttle chances are you're going to slam into the dock. Take it easy, go slow and steer the boat. And don't worry; the boat won't sink, there are plenty of fish in the sea and when you find one that you like, and the interest is mutual, it's well and good.

Exactly, that's where things were left. The only thing I will say is this was 2months ago and I told her the same in return. It wasn't like I had asked to be serious and she told me that. We had been talking, going on some dates, and she then decided to tell me all that. I said ok, that's fine, I am probably not in a good headspace for it either, and we agreed to be casual. And I have done just that, I really hadn't done much that would make her think I am looking for serious with her sense. In fact for almost a month of that time, I was talking with another girl so this girl wasn't even getting much of my attention. So it MAY be possible she has no idea I am interested in more. 

My gut does tell me though that at the least she probably is not interested in serious with me. Hence the initial premise of this post of do I tell her the truth, talk to her about it and leave, or just say nothing, and go away quietly.

A lot of people in here convinced me to stay the course, keep it casual for now, don't do anything. 

Certainly don't think I can cajole her into anything. There is nothing I can do to make it work or not. What she does or feels is for her to decide based on me trying to be my authentic self.

I just don't think I am ok with this casual anymore. I feel like I am just going to get burned, it's not really serving me much anymore.

But it's hard because I truly truly love spending time with her, and whenever we do, we always have so much fun. So it's not as easy as some may think 

[Batya33]

Yes I've been there. Had the opportunity more than once to settle for casual or hookups and I did for one hookup and then stopped.  Thank goodness.  Because that person -a reformed "player" as he described himself - met his future wife a couple of months later and she was much more attractive than me. Reformed player meaning after all those years of dating casually, etc (he was 40, I was 36) - he said he wanted to settle down.  But he also in the beginning -and after he ended things with me -wanted to continue or do "casual".  I said no in the beginning, I said yes to one more meet up after and then realized it wasn't right for me just like  you are coming to that realization. And lucky me as by the time he met his future wife and I learned about it I had moved on. It was so much easier for me by  that point than if I'd hung around hoping he'd see the light lol.  

I like  your thinking and plan FWIW

[EitherDare10]

I truly just don't know what to do. It seems to change by the hour. I feel awful on this uncertainty. I feel awful at the prospect of having to ask about things. I feel awful with the prospect of walking away and never seeing her again.

It's like a nightmare I can't wake up from. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, EitherDare10 said:

I truly just don't know what to do. It seems to change by the hour. I feel awful on this uncertainty. I feel awful at the prospect of having to ask about things. I feel awful with the prospect of walking away and never seeing her again.

It's like a nightmare I can't wake up from. 

I would decide where you draw your line in the sand.  I was always fine walking away from a person who didn't see serious potential with me.  Other people settle.  I also had time constraints -internal -like "I'll give this ___ time and if by then he is not committing to me I'm done.  Get self-clarity -that line in the sand. Also I think you're afraid because you know the likely response from her and that that response means you two are not on the same page.  Yes you risk never seeing her again.  But you have to get clear whether you would prefer to settle for a person who doesn't feel the same way as you about future potential. 

And if she is in your life casually as you know - you'll cause big problems for yourself if  you meet someone you are into because if that person is serious minded they won't want to put up with you having this woman in your life who she'll sense she would be dumped for if that woman all of a sudden wanted to commit.  

[EitherDare10]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would decide where you draw your line in the sand.  I was always fine walking away from a person who didn't see serious potential with me.  Other people settle.  I also had time constraints -internal -like "I'll give this ___ time and if by then he is not committing to me I'm done.  Get self-clarity -that line in the sand. Also I think you're afraid because you know the likely response from her and that that response means you two are not on the same page.  Yes you risk never seeing her again.  But you have to get clear whether you would prefer to settle for a person who doesn't feel the same way as you about future potential. 

And if she is in your life casually as you know - you'll cause big problems for yourself if  you meet someone you are into because if that person is serious minded they won't want to put up with you having this woman in your life who she'll sense she would be dumped for if that woman all of a sudden wanted to commit.  

I think part of it is I just wish I could be more detached, more carefree about the outcome. That I would be able to carry on like we've been and not worry about what happens. I've tried hard to focus on the now, not future of what IFs... but its tough because even in the present, I realize, I have feelings. I wish I didn't have the problems that I do. I'm tired of wanting someone more than they want me.

Very hard for me to understand people. When I am doing a lot of fun things with someone, always having a great time, tons of things in common. When I enjoy cuddling them, being intimate with them... making new memories and adventures. I have a hard time understanding how people can feel like all that, but not want more. It's like, "What else do you need?" but I know it's really just not the right question. I definitely have abandonment issues. I don't get how people can just walk away so easily like it's nothing. 

Well that's the thing, if she is in a relationship with someone else, or I am, obviously we cannot be in eachothers lives. Which other people (friends of mine) dont seem to get. We have way too much history. 

Only about 8hours before we (likely) will see eachother. I am nervous to how she will be... and trying me best to not let my emotions get the best of me. To relax. 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

I don't get how people can just walk away so easily like it's nothing. 

Speaking personally, I can have BIG feelings while still remaining detached from the outcome.

Two entirely different things!

With respect to above quoted, its NOT "easy" to walk away and it certainly IS something, not nothing.

The important thing is to be resilient and have confidence knowing you'll withstand the storm perhaps stronger than you were prior to even knowing her. 

What's happening here is you have abandonment issues which color how you view this and how you choose to proceed. 

Best to deal with that the sooner the better imo.

All the best mate. 

 

[EitherDare10]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Speaking personally, I can have BIG feelings while still remaining detached from the outcome.

Two entirely different things!

With respect to above quoted, its NOT "easy" to walk away and it certainly IS something, not nothing.

The important thing is to be resilient and have confidence knowing you'll withstand the storm perhaps stronger than you were prior to even knowing her. 

What's happening here is you have abandonment issues which color how you view this and how you choose to proceed. 

Best to deal with that the sooner the better imo.

All the best mate. 

 

I can't. The minute I catch feelings, I am super vulnerable. 

I want to believe that, but many people have made the choice to just walk away from me when I didn't do anything to really cause it. (Like I've never cheated or been awful to anyone etc)

But idk how one does it. Travels all over, gets romantic, clearly has a lot of fun spending time.... or they wouldnt choose to on many many occasions. Like what else do you want? lol. Again, I know it's probably not the best question to ask or thing to focus on, but damn.

Yeah... seems the only chance I have to get over these issues of mine is to be ENTIRELY alone from any romantic interest.