Do I Talk To My Casual Relationship Partner First or Just Go Away Quietly?

[Morello]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Remind me again what's "unstable" about this girl?  My understanding is they just began dating. 

I think he mentioned she was coming out of toxic LTRs and struggling with depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. Sorry, didn't want to use a stigmatising word, but unstable does come to my mind when I hear this. Sounds like she needs professional support more than a relationship.

 

3 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

I don't think I need an exclusivity talk, I know we aren't at that point. It would just be nice to know if she would ever consider me as something serious, or does she see me as never anything more than a casual relationship. But I don;t know how to go about that talk, or to know if she is looking for serious at all... because I feel like regardless it will scare her away.

This is the wrong question to ask. There's no way anyone can predict the future. And this is all so subjective, people change their minds as well. Maybe focus on the right now. Is the 'right now' good enough for you or how could you change it to make it so?

[rainbowsandroses]

Keep in mind there are people who will tell you they're looking for a serious relationship, then once it happens, suddenly they're "not ready."

On the other hand, there are people who aren't sure if they do, they need to spend time with you, share experiences, and then realize they want a relationship "with you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Morello said:

I think he mentioned she was coming out of toxic LTRs and struggling with depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. Sorry, didn't want to use a stigmatising word, but unstable does come to my mind when I hear this. Sounds like she needs professional support more than a relationship.

 

This is the wrong question to ask. There's no way anyone can predict the future. And this is all so subjective, people change their minds as well. Maybe focus on the right now. Is the 'right now' good enough for you or how could you change it to make it so?

I think it's a fine question -do you see potential here for the long term -from what you know of me right now.  Not a prediction of future "feeling" -based on the information you have am I a person you want to continue to get to know with the goal of something serious.  As opposed to I see you as a friend, I see  you as a fun activity partner, I see you as a fun casual dating person and to be my plus one at parties/events. Many years ago our friend met a woman on craigslist -because he was looking for someone into bike riding in the city - perhaps maybe to date but that was the ad.  So they started out not dating.  He was looking to remarry, she was single.  After hanging out biking they started dating and most certainly talked early on about what it meant -I know she did -I know her and know she also was looking for marriage.  It's not about predicting how you will feel in the future.

[EitherDare10]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Be careful about your assumption she is in "just have fun mode" -that doesn't mean she's unavailable -assume it's a "mode" until she meets the right person -so many people I know met their "one" when they were in "just have fun mode".  Different if the person is truly unavailable -in a relationship or has said definitively "I don't want to have a serious relationship now" and it's not silently "with you" -I mean a person who is relocating in a month or so, a person who is caring for a parent in palliative care and is the main caregiver, a person who will be going to an intense grad program and truly doesn't want the distractions of getting to know someone, etc. Otherwise protect your heart and always add "with you" if someone says "I'm not looking for anything serious".

I agree. Regardless of mindset at the time, someone can always come around and shake it up entirely. I think that's why kind of surprised me recently. We went out of town together and had a nice time. Suddenly she goes out of her way to see me on NYE, even introducing me to her bestfriend. Then tells me how much fun she had and can't wait for new memories in 2025 because I am amazing. Quickly reaffirmed by committing to plans. It kind of shook me, was not really like her normal MO with me. Felt different.

But I also don't want to read too much into it. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

I agree. Regardless of mindset at the time, someone can always come around and shake it up entirely. I think that's why kind of surprised me recently. We went out of town together and had a nice time. Suddenly she goes out of her way to see me on NYE, even introducing me to her bestfriend. Then tells me how much fun she had and can't wait for new memories in 2025 because I am amazing. Quickly reaffirmed by committing to plans. It kind of shook me, was not really like her normal MO with me. Felt different.

But I also don't want to read too much into it. 

Yes her actions that one particular night were consistent with interest in getting to know you better.  A man who never fell in love with me in the 5 months we dated introduced me to his friends, his mother (who joked to me hi Mrs. (her son't last name),  and on and on.  It takes a period of time -dating regularly once or twice a week over a period of months to see if there is potential. When I was dating if a man said he wasn't looking for anything serious I was not ever seeing him again -with one exception - after I ended an engagement I met a hot looking guy through my friend and on the first date he said he didn't want to marry until at least age 30 (he was 22, I was 23, he had graduated college 6 months earlier)- I was totally good with that as I needed a  break from serious dating! He proposed marriage 3.5 years later but for the wrong reasons.  I said no for the right reasons.  

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Keep in mind there are people who will tell you they're looking for a serious relationship, then once it happens, suddenly they're "not ready."

On the other hand, there are people who aren't sure if they do, they need to spend time with you, share experiences, and then realize they want a relationship "with you."

OP if you're unable to "hang with it" (bolded) and allow things to develop slowly, gradually and at its own pace, at least for awhile, if the situation is causing you too much uncertainty and anxiety to the point you're unable to function as you posted, then wish her well and walk away. 

It's the kindest thing you could do for both of you imo.

I'm sorry and all the best moving forward. 

[EitherDare10]

14 minutes ago, Morello said:

 

 

This is the wrong question to ask. There's no way anyone can predict the future. And this is all so subjective, people change their minds as well. Maybe focus on the right now. Is the 'right now' good enough for you or how could you change it to make it so?

We have been to 4 different shows, together, been to the fair, another date to a haunted house, another date to dinner and a show for her bday, On two different weekend getaways, spent NYE together, she met some of my friends and I met her bestfriend. We have been physically intimate 8 times. We have known eachother for almost 3.5 mos.

I don't think it's unfair to wonder if she sees potential for serious or not. I am not asking for a guarantee of the future. But if right now she can look at me and say "Nah I don't think I'd ever have interest in being with you committed"  I feel like that's a fair question to wonder. 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

We have been to 4 different shows, together, been to the fair, another date to a haunted house, another date to dinner and a show for her bday, On two different weekend getaways, spent NYE together, she met some of my friends and I met her bestfriend. We have been physically intimate 8 times. We have known eachother for almost 3.5 mos.

^^OK wow I didn't realize, I was under the impression you had just started dating!  

Yes time for a conversation!  100% absolutely.

If a conversation about what you both want moving forward "scares her off" you are better off without. 

P.S. Weren't you recently dating a different girl who ended things because she was suffocated?

I'm thoroughly confused now

 

[EitherDare10]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes her actions that one particular night were consistent with interest in getting to know you better.  A man who never fell in love with me in the 5 months we dated introduced me to his friends, his mother (who joked to me hi Mrs. (her son't last name),  and on and on.  It takes a period of time -dating regularly once or twice a week over a period of months to see if there is potential. When I was dating if a man said he wasn't looking for anything serious I was not ever seeing him again -with one exception - after I ended an engagement I met a hot looking guy through my friend and on the first date he said he didn't want to marry until at least age 30 (he was 22, I was 23, he had graduated college 6 months earlier)- I was totally good with that as I needed a  break from serious dating! He proposed marriage 3.5 years later but for the wrong reasons.  I said no for the right reasons.  

That's just it though, I have no idea if she is gaining interest now, feeling it out, or all that was nothing and she still just looks at it like "Well yeah, I like hanging out with you, that's why I agreed to casually see you"

So I do not know if I should stay the course for now, suck it up, and give it longer to find out or not.

[Batya33]

Just now, EitherDare10 said:

That's just it though, I have no idea if she is gaining interest now, feeling it out, or all that was nothing and she still just looks at it like "Well yeah, I like hanging out with you, that's why I agreed to casually see you"

So I do not know if I should stay the course for now, suck it up, and give it longer to find out or not.

How long would you be comfortable continuing to see her if you knew it was never going to be any different than now -a casual once in awhile dating situation while she advertises herself as single on a dating app and looking for a potentially long term relationship?

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, EitherDare10 said:

She admittedly is a very self-conscious person, and I do think her last LTR really did some damage on her. Unfortunately sounds like she's been around or with quite a few toxic men, and I think she has a history of depression... bordering suicidal ideation and self-harm. 

That message she wrote to you in your opening post. She wants to keep her options open right now. You're not really in the headspace either.

Also, if she is bordering suicidal ideation and self-harm she 100% doesn't have the mental stability right now to be present 100% with you. What happened in her life that she has stayed in a dark place for so long?? Coping with a breakup and some sadness? Getting her health back in order? Attempted suicide? Emotional trauma?

Maybe she knows a full blown relationship with ANYONE right now isn't the best for her so she is sticking to casual. Can't fault her if she is choosing to put her mental health first and dating/relationships second.

[EitherDare10]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How long would you be comfortable continuing to see her if you knew it was never going to be any different than now -a casual once in awhile dating situation while she advertises herself as single on a dating app and looking for a potentially long term relationship?

That's just it, I am feeling pretty uncomfortable. Seeing the dating app really was a punch to the gut. Not that she did anything wrong, but still. Unfortunately, there is no real way to know how serious she is taking the app. I will say all her photos on there are within the last month or less. Could be a good sign, could be a bad one. Her looking for is " Looking for Friendship or Longterm Relationship" 

Could that mean she is now open to something serious? Could that be something put out there to repel the hookup culture? Could that be she is open to serious now just not me? Unfortunately, only she knows.

I will say this weekend will be a little bit of a litmus test, assuming she still comes Saturday. So right now I am only looking to that. Go from there I guess. 

[EitherDare10]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^OK wow I didn't realize, I was under the impression you had just started dating!  

Yes time for a conversation!  100% absolutely.

If you "scare her oft" you are better off without. 

Oh no sorry, we met in begging of October. 

See I know everyone says not to bring up the dating app thing. But if I just ask her if she i starting to look for serious, she could just tell me nope still nothing. If I pointed out that I saw her dating app saying differently, maybe she'd be compelled to give me an honest answer. Idk really. I wish I didn't see that lol. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

Seeing the dating app really was a punch to the gut.

^^Yes given the additional context about how much time you have spent together for 3.5 months, I can understand this!  

Were you dating this girl and the previous girl (your previous now-deleted thread) simultaneously?

Again, I'm confused. 

[EitherDare10]

4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

That message she wrote to you. She wants to keep her options open right now. You're not really in the headspace either. If she is bordering suicidal ideation and self-harm she 100% doesn't have the mental stability right now to be present 100% with you. What happened in her life that she has stayed in a dark place for so long?? Coping with a breakup and some sadness? Getting her health back in order? Attempted suicide? Emotional trauma?

Which message?

Idk if she is still practicing self harm or having suicidal thoughts... That is something she shared with me way back early on. I just know that her last LTR was toxic and she had to end it a little over a year ago. I also think she has been hypersexualized a lot in her life. 

[EitherDare10]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Yes given the additional context about how much time you have spent together for 3.5 months, I can understand this!  

Were you dating this girl and the previous girl (your previous now-deleted thread) simultaneously?

Again, I'm confused. 

Sorry, my web of females is hard to follow I know. I met this girl in beginning of Oct, hit it off, but after a month she gave me the not looking thing. Right around this time, so early Nov, is when I met the other girl who I really liked a lot. That girl took my focus as she was stating looking for serious, and I already knew this girl was not, only casual. I put more focus into that other girl, but still stayed in touch with this one.

When that other girl decided against me, I dealt with that. I already had plans with this current girl to go out of town etc etc. That is why I think, feeling a little relationship-like even thought its not, that is why I realized oh shoot I have feelings for this girl. 

[yogacat]

10 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

Which message?

Idk if she is still practicing self harm or having suicidal thoughts... That is something she shared with me way back early on. I just know that her last LTR was toxic and she had to end it a little over a year ago. I also think she has been hypersexualized a lot in her life. 

 

5 hours ago, EitherDare10 said:

"I just dont think I am in a headspace for something serious right now and I do not want to lead you on."

 

I feel there is nothing to talk about. She already told you that she is NOT "in a headspace for something serious right now and I do not want to lead you on." She is saying that your relationship is simple as that. Discussing it will just put the relationship on a different agreement and nothing much will change except for a confirmation that you are basically just good friends with benefits.

[smackie9]

The gut punch is a reality check that, even tho you tell us "oh not right now but later is ok'' I see your feelings want "right now". Don't be a pushover and let to go on any further. The longer you wait, the worse it's going to be with knowing she's with others, exploring her options. 

[rainbowsandroses]

>>I just dont think I am in a headspace for something serious right now and I do not want to lead you on.<<

When did she say this?  Before you met the other girl who became suffocated?

Or more recently when you began dating again after the other sitch ended? 

 

[EitherDare10]

 

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The gut punch is a reality check that, even tho you tell us "oh not right now but later is ok'' I see your feelings want "right now". Don't be a pushover and let to go on any further. The longer you wait, the worse it's going to be with knowing she's with others, exploring her options. 

I mean I know she is single; I am not naive enough to think she hasn't talked to other men etc. I guess when it's right in your face with her dating profile, including words looking for Long Term... yeah that's kind of the gut punch. Because that's not the impression I was under... or really what she told me early on... granted it being 2mos ago and things change. 

I don't plan on being a pushover... the entire start of this thread was do I talk with her about why I am out... or do I just pull away without saying anything. Let my lack of attention become apparent. 

I am supposed to see her this coming Saturday, so before I do anyhting I am curious to see how that is. Might very well be the last time I see her. Which sucks, bc I like her a lot. 

[EitherDare10]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

>>I just dont think I am in a headspace for something serious right now and I do not want to lead you on.<<

When did she say this?  Before you met the other girl who became suffocated?

Or more recently when you began dating again? 

 

She told me that back end of Oct, so about 1month into knowing/talking to me. This pre-dates the other girl, who I met about a week later of her telling me that. 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

She told me that back end of Oct, so about 1month into knowing/talking to me. This pre-dates the other girl, who I met about a week later of her telling me that. 

OK well you finding her on the dating app was definitely a gut punch but after 3.5 months and the recent time spent, time for another conversation imo..

If she still feels the same, reconsider it you wish to continue dating her. 

[EitherDare10]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OK well you finding her on the dating app was definitely a gut punch but after 3.5 months and the recent time spent, time for another conversation imo..

Can't hurt.  If she still feels the same, reconsider it you wish to continue dating her. 

I mean I've been on dating sites, and I knew in all likelihood there are other romantic interests. Especially if her and I are just casual.  

I wish I could bring up the coincidentally seeing her dating profile. Not that there is anything wrong with it... but just that I saw, and saw she is looking for Long Term. So it begs the question, is she now open to serious dating or not? Because if so and not me still, that would be a fair thing to know. Not that I am angry or anything bad. Just honesty and communication. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, EitherDare10 said:

wish I could bring up the coincidentally seeing her dating profile. Not that there is anything wrong with it... but just that I saw, and saw she is looking for Long Term. So it begs the question, is she now open to serious dating or not? Because if so and not me still, that would be a fair thing to know. Not that I am angry or anything bad. Just honesty and communication. 

^^This is precisely why I suggested having another conversation.

You do not have to mention the dating app.

Let her know what you're envisioning re your relationship and and then ask if she's on the same wave. 

That's strong, that's confident. 

 

[yogacat]

Get it out of your system. Ask her, sure. Don't think a second conversation will change much especially give her behavior but sometimes we need to express ourselves and find out for sure before we can give ourselves that closure and move on.

Hoping it works out in your favor. 🙂