Do I Talk To My Casual Relationship Partner First or Just Go Away Quietly?

[EitherDare10]

Background- met this girl in the beginning of OCT at a music festival. We hit it off immediately, spent that whole night and then the next night together. Started messaging like crazy, and I invited her on a whim to a show I knew she'd love, out of town. I took her to the fair and we had an amazing date. We went out of town for the show and had an amazing time, we did have sex a few times etc. In all cases she went out of her way to tell me how great of a time she had.

A week later however, I got the "I just dont think I am in a headspace for something serious right now and I do not want to lead you on." I really enjoyed spending time with her, so I said that's fine, I probably am not either... we agreed to then see each-other casually. Which at the time felt fine for me.... A few weeks later there was another I liked a lot at the time so my focus and feelings were more on her anyhow. 

In the following months we went out a few times, got romantic again etc. We ended up going out of town again for a show like the first time, had an amazing time. She spent NYE with me and my friends and surprisingly brought her best friend even. The next day she texted me "I cannot wait for the adventures to come with you in 2025, you're amazing!" 

Most people would be happy to read that and I was at first, but then it hit me hard in the gut. In that moment, I realized I had serious feelings for this girl. Coincidentally, a day later, I found her profile on a dating app, with very recent pictures, and she was looking for "short term or long term relationship" Now there is nothing wrong with her having a dating profile, we are not in an exclusive relationship..... but that stung even more. Made me feel sad, and made me realize what I willfully ignored, that she is surely going out on dates with other men. Something I had intentionally been naive about til now. Also makes me feel like it's probably a matter of time before she meets someone she wants to pursue and tossed away I go, if that's not slowly happening already. 

 

I LOVE spending time with her. We have so much fun together. I desperately wish we could have worked out, but i KNOW that she is not good for me. This causal relationship is no longer good for me, so I will have to make the awful decision to pull away from her. I am too scared to even ask if she'd be interested in pursuing something serious now. I guess idk for sure, but either way I do not think she is interested in pursuing something serious with me.

I am not sure if I should have a good talk with her, explain to her what I have here... about finding the profile, realizing the feelings I have etc..... just being honest about why I must walk away. OR do I just kinda drop back out of her life and let her go quietly? I am not sure how much she would even reach out.... she is definitely the kind who would rather be pursued then doing the reaching out too much.

 

[SophiaG]

It sounds like you had some genuine connection so I wouldn't quietly go away which some might label as ghosting. She said she's looking for "short or long term relationship" so maybe she's open to something serious now? Due to what you said to her before she might have assumed you weren't looking for anything but casual and she probably didn't know you had feelings for her. Why not give it a shot and lay it all out with her? Worst case she's not on the same page and you can now distance yourself with no regrets. Best scenario she feels the same and you can together open a new chapter. If you don't even try it now wouldn't you always wonder "what if" in future? 

[Coily]

I agree with SophiaG, the only harm is not finding out.

I'll put it to you like this, I hemmed and hawed about a girl that I was in a similar situation with in my early 20s; I made the "fade away" choice and regretted it. Top 10 worst decisions of my dating life.

You may not want to go straight to "do you want to be exclusive" (though I personally think that is the best choice), but you may want to ramp things up. Compliment her, refer to going out with her as a date, and such. Better to rip the band aid off now, and never play the what if game.

Honestly, what do you have to lose? Right now you are setting yourself up for a no win scenario.

[EitherDare10]

20 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

It sounds like you had some genuine connection so I wouldn't quietly go away which some might label as ghosting. She said she's looking for "short or long term relationship" so maybe she's open to something serious now? Due to what you said to her before she might have assumed you weren't looking for anything but casual and she probably didn't know you had feelings for her. Why not give it a shot and lay it all out with her? Worst case she's not on the same page and you can now distance yourself with no regrets. Best scenario she feels the same and you can together open a new chapter. If you don't even try it now wouldn't you always wonder "what if" in future? 

Not sure, maybe for a few reasons. I do think maybe I am not in a good place for a relationship in a sense. I really want one, and I know that I would treat her so well etc. Put all my effort into it. I just think I have things about myself I probably need to work on before I can truly be happy with anyone. In a hypothetical, if tomorrow she were to jump all in open arms and say yes let's be together, let's be exclusive, I would be so happy and down. But, I do think I have some of my own insecurity and lack of trust issues that would arise.

Secondly, I guess I am fearful to have some in-depth talk because I don't want to scare her away. Like maybe, just maybe the way things have gone as late, maybe she is starting to grow that feeling in return. I am really shocked she decided to spend NYE with me and my friends, even more shocked she brought her bestfriend to... I didn't think I would ever meet her friends seeing as we are just casual. Like she'd keep us separate. But I guess this would also depend on me staying the course, but idk if I can stomach it. My past traumas are rearing their ugly head, making me feel like I am just a placeholder, who is getting attached, and eventually she is going to find someone she likes and give me the old "It's not you its me" or whatever. 

So I guess to sum it up, fear 😞

[EitherDare10]

8 minutes ago, Coily said:

I agree with SophiaG, the only harm is not finding out.

I'll put it to you like this, I hemmed and hawed about a girl that I was in a similar situation with in my early 20s; I made the "fade away" choice and regretted it. Top 10 worst decisions of my dating life.

You may not want to go straight to "do you want to be exclusive" (though I personally think that is the best choice), but you may want to ramp things up. Compliment her, refer to going out with her as a date, and such. Better to rip the band aid off now, and never play the what if game.

Honestly, what do you have to lose? Right now you are setting yourself up for a no win scenario.

As dumb as it sounds, I think she may be in the position where it's hard for her to hear that someone wants to be with her and treat her well. I think she is still sort of discovering her own confidence, sexuality a little, and finding happiness with herself. She is deeply insecure (in-spite of what anyone says). It's actually quite frustrating bc she is immensely beautiful and well loved, but at the end of the day it's one of those things where you cannot tell her how to feel, she feels about herself how she feels. I don't think I have the personality type at the moment to be too close to that. I've been burned and scarred badly from that with another girl from my past long ago. 

I am also not sure how to bring up the dating profile without her jumping to conclusions. I am not mad or upset with her for it... I am simply curious about it. Does this mean she is in the mindset now, does it mean she is now but isn't ever truly open to me? Is it still mean nothing and she's using it for fun, validation, something to do etc. 

I compliment her all the time, just yesterday in fact I told her "I know you don't want to hear it, but you are beautiful you don't have anything to be insecure about" in relation to a photo she was super insecure over. I took her out for her birthday a few weeks ago, definitely like a date, really nice dinner, and drinks... although it still would qualify as casual bc thats what we agreed to.

 

 

[Batya33]

I would simply reach out and ask if she wants to go to a (offer a date like activity whether it’s meeting for a picnic weather permitting or grabbing lunch then seeing a new museum exhibit. Then you see in person what the vibe is. I wouldn’t bring up the dating profile. 

[EitherDare10]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would simply reach out and ask if she wants to go to a (offer a date like activity whether it’s meeting for a picnic weather permitting or grabbing lunch then seeing a new museum exhibit. Then you see in person what the vibe is. I wouldn’t bring up the dating profile. 

Well if I were to leave it that vague, she will just assume another casual date. As for the vibe, it's hard to say.

When I took her out to a nice dinner for her birthday, it was definitely strong vibes. It inadvertently felt like a real date. When we went out of town together quickly a few weeks back, again pretty strong vibes. Lots of fun, laughs, cuddling, sex, etc. 

So it's tough because we have moments were we seem very close, almost like we are actually dating for real... but then it seems like she pulls back or something. Always like one step forward, and not too long after, one step back again. 

[Coily]

9 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

I compliment her all the time, just yesterday in fact I told her "I know you don't want to hear it, but you are beautiful you don't have anything to be insecure about" in relation to a photo she was super insecure over. I took her out for her birthday a few weeks ago, definitely like a date, really nice dinner, and drinks... although it still would qualify as casual bc thats what we agreed to.

Compliments like this are a little hollow. Good, but hollow. When I say compliment her, I mean tell her how  she makes you feel. Notice the little things about her that you like and are smitten with.  Like her taste in music, or how she does some task that you find fascinating. Small example, I complimented my GF on how passionate she is about her hobbies and how she made me learn more about it so we can talk about it. Shows you are observing her, not her looks.

17 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

As dumb as it sounds, I think she may be in the position where it's hard for her to hear that someone wants to be with her and treat her well. I think she is still sort of discovering her own confidence, sexuality a little, and finding happiness with herself. She is deeply insecure (in-spite of what anyone says)

Dumb? Not really, people sometimes need to reinvent themselves. But the question, is are you okay just being a crutch? When you have seen her grow with you? You need not be fostering girlfriends until they find their forever relationship.

13 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

I am also not sure how to bring up the dating profile without her jumping to conclusions. I am not mad or upset with her for it... I am simply curious about it.

Don't. No matter how innocent it was, she will have the whole internet tell her you are "creepy."

14 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

Does this mean she is in the mindset now, does it mean she is now but isn't ever truly open to me? Is it still mean nothing and she's using it for fun, validation, something to do etc. 

This is really the question isn't it? Does she value you, or are you just a utility to her self esteem? Hate to be that blunt about it; but that's what it boils down to. Have you both helped each other grow and heal, or are you to be tossed away when she finds better?

 

Take time, reflect on everything. But don't fade.

[Coily]

8 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

So it's tough because we have moments were we seem very close, almost like we are actually dating for real... but then it seems like she pulls back or something. Always like one step forward, and not too long after, one step back again. 

Honestly, this is because neither of you want to bite the bullet and figure out where the relationship has evolved. As you said she likes to be pursued, the hunt is on!

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, EitherDare10 said:

She spent NYE with me and my friends and surprisingly brought her best friend even. The next day she texted me "I cannot wait for the adventures to come with you in 2025, you're amazing!" 

^^This sounds quite positive!  Have you arranged another date? 

If not, why not?

Since you just admitted you're NOT in the best position emotionally for a LTR, and she's open to casual or eventually long term if it leads to that, why not simply continue spending time together and see where it leads? 

For now, nevermind that she's got a profile on a dating app.

Focus on the two of you and only the two of you, detach from the outcome, take things one day and step at a time and try to relax! 

I bet that is what SHE is doing! 

Do yoga, go for a run, something.  You're gonna self-sabotage if you cannot calm yourself down and stop catastrophizing.

Do not allow your fear and anxiety to steer your ship otherwise you will blow it with her and any woman you meet in the future.

[EitherDare10]

19 minutes ago, Coily said:

Compliments like this are a little hollow. Good, but hollow. When I say compliment her, I mean tell her how  she makes you feel. Notice the little things about her that you like and are smitten with.  Like her taste in music, or how she does some task that you find fascinating. Small example, I complimented my GF on how passionate she is about her hobbies and how she made me learn more about it so we can talk about it. Shows you are observing her, not her looks.

Dumb? Not really, people sometimes need to reinvent themselves. But the question, is are you okay just being a crutch? When you have seen her grow with you? You need not be fostering girlfriends until they find their forever relationship.

Don't. No matter how innocent it was, she will have the whole internet tell her you are "creepy."

This is really the question isn't it? Does she value you, or are you just a utility to her self esteem? Hate to be that blunt about it; but that's what it boils down to. Have you both helped each other grow and heal, or are you to be tossed away when she finds better?

 

Take time, reflect on everything. But don't fade.

I am little nervous on the "how she makes me feel" side. Back before, when she gave me the "I am not in a headspace for something serious at this time" part of her reason for saying this was bc in her eyes I was giving off super serious vibes. All because she thought I said "I am pursuing you" when in reality I had to clarify, I had told her "I really have a lot of fun with you. You are someone I could probably see myself being interested in" However that was over 2mos ago.

But I do tell her fairly often how much I enjoy her as a person. 

 

No I do not want to be a crutch. 

 

That truly is the question. And idk. I will say she has plenty of interested people, endless praise on IG and in-person when we attend shows. Her entrusting me enough to go out of town together not once, but twice is pretty cool. None of that means she wants to be with me, but Idk if she's done anything like that with anyone else sense we've known each-other. I doubt it.

But that's the thing, it seems like when things start to go good, or we do something that is a little more serious like travel away together, she comes back and then puts up some distance for a bit. It's almost like maybe she scares herself? But idk...

[EitherDare10]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^This sounds quite positive!  Have you arranged another date? 

If not, why not?

Since you just admitted you're NOT in the best position emotionally for a LTR, and she's open to casusl or eventually long term if it leads to that, why not simply continue spending time together and see where it leads? 

Nevermind that she's got a profile on a dating app.

Focus on the two you and only the two of you, detach from the outcome, take things one day and step at a time and try to relax!  I bet that is what SHE is doing! 

Do yoga, go for a run, something. 

It does sound positive, but then her actions after seem to pull away from that. Well about that... so right before our trip, I saw this event in town which i knew she'd love, so I showed her and asked if she'd want to go. She said absolutely. But seeing as we had this trip, and then New Years were we'd see eachother, I didn't set a date right that second. After New Years (she also got pretty sick right after) I asked her about seeing that show. And i came to find out her friend had since asked her and she was going with them lol. Disappointing but it is what it is. However, I will already see her Saturday at a show I invited her to, so not really conventional date but we will see eachother. 

I am trying to spend time with her and see where it leads. But I am starting to feel very attached. I am started to feel anxious. I am starting to feel a little jealous/wonder who else she is seeing. It's becoming bad for me mentally. I just don't know if i have the stomach for it to keep the status quo and whatnot to see where it goes. My past trauma is firing, my anxiety is sky high, it's not good for me mentally to be in this game of uncertainty, not when I have these strong of feelings. But it sucks bc obvioulsy i want to spend time with her, to see her, but I also am fearful of it not going well. I can't seem to detach. I feel like im in too deep.

I won't bring up the profile. I just wish I didn't see it. Ugh.

I want to detach, but my mind is a serious overthinker. When I start to feel attached like I have been feeling, my brain becomes toxic. Ruminates, gets jealous, overthinks..... opposite of detaching. I have been reading up on and listening to detachment, I am trying really hard to do so. I am sure she's much more relaxed and detached on it than I am. 

Trust me I am insanely active. I spend 3hrs a day at the gym, hang with friends, do pretty much anything I can to distract myself off it. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Do you have a therapist?

Like I said if you don't take steps to calm yourself down, you will sabotage this.

Lots of people have experienced trauma, myself included. 

I've had long term relationships and one brief marriage and learned from all of them.

Currently I'm doing a more intense type of therapy and it's helping me sort through many things that previously held me back.

Speak with your therapist because this is not about this girl or the last girl or any other girl; this is all coming from within you..

And until you sort yourself out, you will never be happy in any relationship imo.

[EitherDare10]

48 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Do you have a therapist?

Like I said if you don't take steps to calm yourself down, you will sabotage this.

Lots of people have experienced trauma, myself included. 

I've had long term relationships and one brief marriage and learned from all of them.

Currently I'm doing a more intense type of therapy and it's helping me sort through many things that previously held me back.

Speak with your therapist because this is not about this girl or the last girl or any other girl; this is all coming from within you..

And until you sort yourself out, you will never be happy in any relationship imo.

I am currently looking. My old one wasn't cutting it, and I am going thru the process of my work insurance hopefully, as I got a new job. 

Yeah I am very aware of that, so that's partly why I wrote this. It helps me get things off my chest without dumping it on her. Also, I have confided in a few friends on this as well. Albeit there seems to be differing opinions from them on what I should do. I also am listening to anti-anxiety music pretty much half the day....

I do not disagree with that. Hell only a month ago I was pinning over a different girl. I clearly have issues that need resolved. Part of why I was wondering if I should just go away. Idk if this situation is helping me at the moment, it's wrecking my peace. It is greatly increasing my anxiety, trouble sleeping, causing rumination, overthinking etc.

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, EitherDare10 said:

I just think I have things about myself I probably need to work on before I can truly be happy with anyone.

You can work on yourself WHILE dating someone. If you haven't had many LTR experiences you can't learn how to be a good partner just by yourself.

I second don't bring up the dating profile at all.

Have you even told her you like her? If you don't want to continue dating her casually now that you've realized your feelings, I would just have a sincere - doesn't have to be super heavy or serious - conversation and let her know that you have developed feelings for her and would love to explore the possibility of an exclusive/long term/whatever you prefer relationship and wonder if she might be open to it. She doesn't have to commit to anything right away. Sure there is always the chance she might say no - but why worry about "scaring her away" when you were already going to cut her off? The end result would be no different.

[Kwothe28]

Damn, you did forgot the other one pretty soon. I guess its true when they say the best way to forget someone is to get under someone else. 😄

Anyway, believe it or not this popped under my youtube now

 

I think you should watch it, its a short video and it reflects your situation pretty well. I think she is intentionally vague and "breadcrumbs" you so you would still be there. But has no intention to commit. If you would mention that you want commitment with her, she would probably said "but I told you I am not looking for that".

I still think you should. Its always better to at least try, than to not know where you stand while you spend months chasing somebody who has no intention to commit to you. Dont mention dating profile or anything but just say that you like her and that you would want it to be more than just casual. And see what she says. If she says yes, great. If she says no or is vague, than you can abandon ship and try to find somebody else.

[EitherDare10]

6 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

You can work on yourself WHILE dating someone. If you haven't had many LTR experiences you can't learn how to be a good partner just by yourself.

I second don't bring up the dating profile at all.

Have you even told her you like her? If you don't want to continue dating her casually now that you've realized your feelings, I would just have a sincere - doesn't have to be super heavy or serious - conversation and let her know that you have developed feelings for her and would love to explore the possibility of an exclusive/long term/whatever you prefer relationship and wonder if she might be open to it. She doesn't have to commit to anything right away. Sure there is always the chance she might say no - but why worry about "scaring her away" when you were already going to cut her off? The end result would be no different.

Yeah, I just think I would need a stronger partner. I can sense that she is definitely trying to work on herself too. My gut is telling me she is currently in "Have fun" mode. Trying to discover or rediscover her own confidence, feeling sexy, etc. She admittedly is a very self-conscious person, and I do think her last LTR really did some damage on her. Unfortunately sounds like she's been around or with quite a few toxic men, and I think she has a history of depression... bordering suicidal ideation and self-harm. 

Not straight up entirely. I mean when she told me I am amazing last week, I told her she was amazing. I also have told her on a few occasions that I really like spending time and going on trips/adventures with her. To be honest I get the feeling if I laid it on more than that, or asked to date exclusive, she would get nervous and pull away. After our first trip together she came back and kinda pulled back. Sort of feels like she's doing it again now that we just went on another trip. Like she starts to feel into it, then gets scared or something.... just my intuition. 

Well I guess part of my concern with scaring her off is a few lady friends have told me to stay the course. To keep things how they are right now, and try to detach from the outcome best I can. They seem to think there is potential. I just don't know if I can mentally stomach the uncertainty. I know pursuing relationships takes risks, but it's easier to stomach when the other person knows and agrees that's what you're doing. Right now I feel im in some Purgatory, and since I have feelings, fear that she'll meet someone else and pull away from me. 

[SophiaG]

8 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

Not straight up entirely. I mean when she told me I am amazing last week, I told her she was amazing. I also have told her on a few occasions that I really like spending time and going on trips/adventures with her. To be honest I get the feeling if I laid it on more than that, or asked to date exclusive, she would get nervous and pull away.

"You're amazing" "I like spending time with you" is quite different from "I like you." Now you're considering pulling away yourself - why not give her a chance to actually tell you what she thinks?

9 minutes ago, EitherDare10 said:

Well I guess part of my concern with scaring her off is a few lady friends have told me to stay the course. To keep things how they are right now, and try to detach from the outcome best I can. They seem to think there is potential. I just don't know if I can mentally stomach the uncertainty.

I wouldn't like that uncertainly at all. If you are already unhappy with the status quo now I think staying the course will do more damage to your mental health.

[EitherDare10]

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Damn, you did forgot the other one pretty soon. I guess its true when they say the best way to forget someone is to get under someone else. 😄

Anyway, believe it or not this popped under my youtube now

I think you should watch it, its a short video and it reflects your situation pretty well. I think she is intentionally vague and "breadcrumbs" you so you would still be there. But has no intention to commit. If you would mention that you want commitment with her, she would probably said "but I told you I am not looking for that".

I still think you should. Its always better to at least try, than to not know where you stand while you spend months chasing somebody who has no intention to commit to you. Dont mention dating profile or anything but just say that you like her and that you would want it to be more than just casual. And see what she says. If she says yes, great. If she says no or is vague, than you can abandon ship and try to find somebody else.

Right?! It's wild how my attachment just jumped to this girl like it's nothing. Hence why I need therapeutic help lol. I do have a lot more history and romantic experiences with this girl though.

Ugh, I watched that video and went in wanting to find things that I agreed with so I could say "Ah I knew it I need to dip"... but in reality, I can't. Thing is, a few mos back, she said she wasn't looking for a serious relationship, and she obviously meant it. We agreed to exactly what we are. So I can't really complain about some of the things she's done, because truthfully she doesn't owe me a lot. Can't really call it playing me either if I agreed to exactly this. When I did, I was more than happy to be casual. Was nice to have my cake and eat it too. 

1- She never over emphasizes needing to be alone. She also has been emotional deep lately. On this last trip she got really deep into her family etc. She also has been very physical with me many times. She has no problem allowing physicality to ensue lol.

2- Her communication is inconsistent. Idk how consistent to expect though when you agreed to be causal... basically FWBs or whatever you call this. So this ones hard to say

3- We just went to San Diego for 2 days together, she reached out to meet up on NYE, and so far she has re-affirmed to meet me and my friends at a show this coming weekend. So idk about that one. 

4- Well we agreed to casual, no-string attached dating. So this one doesn't qualify. She was clear initially she did not want to be committed to me lol. She could however be using me as convience til something better comes. That's true

5- No transactional reach-out at all. I will say I do have to do more of the initiating.

I don't know. I guess when I agreed to and signed up for casual, I get... casual. She was clear back then what she was looking for, so I can't really fault her honestly. 

I think the trip together, New Years Eve together, introducing me to her bestfriend, and telling me she can't wait to make more memories in 2025 bc im amazing.... that is the first time I questioned the casual thing. (and realized I have feelings 😞 )

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, EitherDare10 said:

...a few lady friends have told me to stay the course. To keep things how they are right now, and try to detach from the outcome best I can. They seem to think there is potential. I just don't know if I can mentally stomach the uncertainty.

^^Yup and I happen to believe uncertainty is one of the biggest obstacles to manage when you begin dating a new person.   But you MUST find a way to manage it (on your own or with a therapist) otherwise it will destroy any potential imo.  

Uncertainty is a given in most new dating situations in my experience.

Also and jmo but I think it's too soon for an 'exclusivity talk' not to mention the time for such a talk is NOT when you're feeling anxious, uncertain or to seek reassurance.

That is the worst time to discuss it IMO.  Why?  Because it's coming from a place of FEAR versus a genuine desire to deepen your connection and become closer. 

The best time to discuss is when you've been dating awhile, things between you are going well and you both mutually decide you want to bring your relationship to the next level. 

Plus again you said in a previous post you yourself are in NO position for a relationship!  So why would you ask her for one at this time?   Other than to alleviate your own anxiety/insecurity which again is not a good reason imo. 

Learn to self-soothe, there are ways like breathing exercises, self-affirmations, yoga, running, there are also a plethora of educational tools and materials on line and off, good books etc.  

My advice is find a new and competent therapist and sort your issues out.   Find out where all this anxiety is coming from!   

It's not limited to just this girl, it was the previous girl too (the one who felt suffocated).

So you need to figure it out. 

I agree with @SophiaG that you can continue dating her while doing this. 

It takes strength, willingness, and a genuine desire to learn, grow, evolve and succeed!

Please read my signature line. 

[smackie9]

I can see where the anxiety lack of trust is comin from...it' pretty obvious. She's dating others, says she's looking for serious but not you. You know in your heart you are just a placeholder...she's here for a good time, not a long time. 

I say to put it to rest, ask her if she want to take things to the next level ..see how it goes. Kinda just pull the bandaid off quickly/get it over with. 

[Morello]

Unfortunately, she is partially responsible for the way you feel. Sure, she agreed with casual, but she is leading you on a bit. The dating profile thin, while you shouldn't bring it up with her, it would sting me too.

As someone who also struggles with anxiety, I learned that the relationships that work best for me are the ones based on trust, transparency and commitment. When these are not clearly in place from the beginning, I let them be other people's problem. You do seem to go for the 'unstable' type, or women who are trying to figure themselves out, which doesn't help you much. Once you find someone who is clearly into you, you'll see that the dating experience is much smoother for you (others would find that boring, perhaps, people are different).

If you want to use this as an experience to learn some new tricks how to manage your dating anxiety, sure go ahead. It will be painful but might even work. As you're not seriously looking for a partner, this might be a good experience. However, as soon as you move to the looking seriously for a partner phase, I'd not entertain this kind of unstable and unpredictable situation which is clearly not good for your mental health. 

From my own experience, in dating, there are two kinds of people - the ones that are really smitten by you and want to be with in a relationship with you and... everyone else.

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Morello said:

I learned that the relationships that work best for me are the ones based on trust, transparency and commitment. When these are not clearly in place from the beginning

^^I don't disagree however trust and commitment take time to develop, with rare exception they are rarely present from the beginning.

I agree full transparency is ideal, but until trust is established, very difficult for some people. 

Remind me again what's "unstable" about this girl?  My understanding is they just began dating.  

OP best to lower expectations, pay attention to her actions and try to relax. 

[EitherDare10]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Yup and I happen to believe uncertainty is one of the biggest obstacles to manage when you begin dating a new person.   But you MUST find a way to manage it (on your own or with a therapist) otherwise it will destroy any potential imo.  

Uncertainty is a given in most new dating situations in my experience.

Also and jmo but I think it's too soon for an 'exclusivity talk' not to mention the time for such a talk is NOT when you're feeling anxious, uncertain or to seek reassurance.

That is the worst time to discuss it IMO.  Why?  Because it's coming from a place of FEAR versus a genuine desire to deepen your connection and become closer. 

The best time to discuss is when you've been dating awhile, things between you are going well and you both mutually decide you want to bring your relationship to the next level. 

Plus again you said in a previous post you yourself are in NO position for a relationship!  So why would you ask her for one at this time?   Other than to alleviate your own anxiety/insecurity which again is not a good reason imo. 

Learn to self-soothe, there are ways like breathing exercises, self-affirmations, yoga, running, there are also a plethora of educational tools and materials on line and off, good books etc.  

My advice is find a new and competent therapist and sort your issues out.   Find out where all this anxiety is coming from!   

I agree with @SophiaG that you can continue dating her while doing this. 

It takes strength, willingness, and a genuine desire to learn, grow, evolve and succeed!

Please read my signature line. 

Right, but there's a difference between say, this person is saying they are looking for a serious relationship, so now we have to spend time, do the things etc, and take the risk to see if it works. And "I am not in a headspace for a serious relationship right now and I don't want to lead you on" and then agreed to a casual relationship with no expectations, bc that's what I did. Because IF she hasn't come to the headspace or is starting to, then my errand is a fools errand to have hope for anything. 

I don't think I need an exclusivity talk, I know we aren't at that point. It would just be nice to know if she would ever consider me as something serious, or does she see me as never anything more than a casual relationship. But I don;t know how to go about that talk, or to know if she is looking for serious at all... because I feel like regardless it will scare her away.

So no I am not asking for a relationship, but I would like to know if she would ever be open to one, and I would like to know if she is pursuing serious right now. Because I do think it's fair to me, if she is not ever going to be interested in me, and she is out going on dates intentionally looking to find something serious now, a respectful, mature thing would be to let me know so that I can move on before getting hurt. 

Yeah I am exploring essentially every single coping avenue possible. 

[Batya33]

Be careful about your assumption she is in "just have fun mode" -that doesn't mean she's unavailable -assume it's a "mode" until she meets the right person -so many people I know met their "one" when they were in "just have fun mode".  Different if the person is truly unavailable -in a relationship or has said definitively "I don't want to have a serious relationship now" and it's not silently "with you" -I mean a person who is relocating in a month or so, a person who is caring for a parent in palliative care and is the main caregiver, a person who will be going to an intense grad program and truly doesn't want the distractions of getting to know someone, etc. Otherwise protect your heart and always add "with you" if someone says "I'm not looking for anything serious".