I got catfished for 2.5years. When will I choose myself?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Ngingingi said:

Thank you for your thoughts and effort. I have learned a lot. It sucks to decide when you’re compassionate, or you just pity, or choose to see the goodness in a person. I do have to choose myself.

I'd frame it this way -it sucks when you don't look out for your best interests and you choose to ignore red flags. See the goodness in people from a confident perspective, from a healthy perspective.  Keep your distance when needed -you can still see the goodness and stay healthy and safe. I give to people who are homeless but not where I interact in an up close way. I see the goodness of giving, the goodness in a person who likely has fallen on hard times and I stay safe by not interacting beyond sometimes giving money directly but more often donating stuff or money to a shelter. 

I saw the goodness in someone who lied to me in a terrible way then scammed many mothers in my Facebook group.  I still see good parts of her and I will NEVER ever have personal contact with her again after she's been to prison a couple of times. I applaud her now for being rehabilitated and for helping incarcerated women. So much goodness. AND I can be compassionate and care -from a safe distance. Please don't give yourself a pass. It's not about "Oh I'm such a  good and compassionate person and I can't help it." Be good to yourself. You treated yourself very badly in this situation even considering staying in contact.

[Ngingingi]

Thank you for your words and effort. I hear you. Yes, my feelings are still mixed up. 

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You can cut it off if you really want to. 

I would get to the bottom of why you don't want to do that. I know your feelings are all mixed up right now, but in time, I think you will see that this person would not be a good partner. 

He's too much a liar. There is no way I would even attempt to build a life with someone like this. 

[Ngingingi]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd frame it this way…

Oh my goodness, yess yes. Thank you thank you! Absolutely nothing wrong with being good, just also take care of yourself and be safe

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Ngingingi said:

Oh my goodness, yess yes. Thank you thank you! Absolutely nothing wrong with being good, just also take care of yourself and be safe

No it's good to be  a person of character, integrity, and compassion.  It's better than "nothing wrong with it" He lacks character and integrity and compassion. You still can feel compassion for an unstable deceitful liar.  From a safe distance.

[yogacat]

15 hours ago, Ngingingi said:

I’m sorry you were betrayed by your then person. I wish you healing and all the best because you’re a good person. And it’s true my head and heart are saying different things. I saw a handsome, eye-catching, my type of man in a public area yesterday and i feel down because my person is far from those looks (although his catfish image was like that and I fell for it). On the other hand, I thought am I being so shallow? It sucks I might hurt his feelings because of that. Although, My person said that he is willing to change and give the best version of himself for me (physical, mental, financial etc.). If we separate because of my type of look, I feel like I’m going to regret it because we are emotionally attracted each other, our values align, we both want marriage, and he makes me feel safe.

All of our feeling are normal and valid. Thank you. And you are right, I’m being patient and taking my time to observe and introspect. For the past days, I felt like a judge weighing out the pros and cons. Whether to cut it off or not. It’s consuming my mind. We can appreciate what we have now and enjoy life. I still show him kindness.

Thank you my friend. 2.5 years is seriously a very long time to invest yourself with the other person deceiving you so greatly. You can still show him kindness but that doesn't mean willfully ignorance. He could be married, he could be 80 years old, he could be a woman. You don't really know this person after all.

Please take care of yourself and your safety. 

[j41]

Sadly this is not a good scenario but I feel for you and him, unfortunately people do this because of a lack of self worth and lack of physical attraction, they crave actually being found attractive.

My guess is your attention vastly improved his life because maybe for once he felt attractive to someone he found attractive. He probably thought his intangible qualities could make up for a lack of physical one's.

You feel badly about this but trust me he feels far worse because what's happened now is his belief he could attract someone based on his intangible qualities is shattered and he's sitting with probably a lack of physical attraction which may just give him confirmation of past failures.

You can't do much here unfortunately but maybe just friendzone, give him that intellectual connection he wants and again my guess is he hasn't experienced that often.

I know all of this because shamefully I've been that guy, could never match with anyone attractive so tried this idea and it did feel good to be wanted and found attractive.

[Ngingingi]

2 hours ago, j41 said:

My guess is your attention vastly improved his life because maybe for once he felt attractive to someone he found attractive. He probably thought his intangible qualities could make up for a lack of physical one's.

Thank you for your thought, I’m hearing your side. And I believe so that you are right. I changed his life to better. He’s really a good person. But maybe he thinks the connection is enough to continue along. The emotional attraction is there. Both physical and emotional matter in a relationship I guess. I’m not shaming you. If one wants to have relationship, honesty is important at the very start, be true and genuine. Else, it would be unfair and feeling of deceive on the other person. If this were for other person, he would have a slim chance of getting back together. But I’m still looking at it with understanding and compassion.

[j41]

4 hours ago, Ngingingi said:

Thank you for your thought, I’m hearing your side. And I believe so that you are right. I changed his life to better. He’s really a good person. But maybe he thinks the connection is enough to continue along. The emotional attraction is there. Both physical and emotional matter in a relationship I guess. I’m not shaming you. If one wants to have relationship, honesty is important at the very start, be true and genuine. Else, it would be unfair and feeling of deceive on the other person. If this were for other person, he would have a slim chance of getting back together. But I’m still looking at it with understanding and compassion.

You are entirely correct. Reality is some people arrive at a place where after being rejected continually they resort to this in the hope of getting the attention from someone they find attractive.

It's not a good thing to do and there is never justification to deceive someone for such a long period of time.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Ngingingi said:

But I’m still looking at it with understanding and compassion.

I would not because he is a stranger you've never met for any dating purposes so you don't know his reasons even if he tells you -since he is a liar. I had a huge downside when I was on dating sites.  I was a woman in my 30s -and closer to mid 30s and wanted to have a child biologically if possible with the right man in marriage. I always looked much younger -I'm not bragging -I did -I was  the one who won the stuffed animal at a county fair because the guy couldn't guess my age lol.  It would have been so easy to shave off 5 years or more from my profile age so that men who wanted kids but only searched for women up to early 30s (because they didn't want to have to rush to have kids -I don't blame them!) would click on me and I could then do at some point the whole coy "oh you know a lady never tells her age".

I never ever did.  I always put my correct age and this limited my dating pool.  Did I deserve "understanding and compassion" for having wanted kids sooooo badly from the time I was 20 or younger and yet hadn't yet met the right guy to marry and have a baby with -how awful it was to see my friends having babies and having to tell myself to be happy for them and be supportive? Sure thing. But it would never ever have justified deceiving a man into dating me maybe getting attached then telling him when I had to "confess" that i was really actually older so we'd better get a move on trying to conceive.

Yes dating is hard. Yes those who have physical flaws (I did, we all do) have it harder sometimes. I have had male friends and female who lied about age/weight/marital status.  I met someone in person who posted a photo of himself but very blurred to hide a major facial disfigurement (this was back before Iphones/good cameras etc so you didn't ask for "more pics"). 

Him -I had compassion for - because his disfigurement and disability - I sort of got it. However.  It was really emotionally hard for me to meet him and see what he actually looked like, be shocked and hide the shock and then make up a white lie excuse not to see him again.  Save his feelings.  Had I known in advance I very likely would not have messaged him or responded.  I did feel somewhat deceived but that was an extreme example (no he didn't mention his accident and resulting disfigurement on our phone call or in our emails).  And I was ok with men adding an inch or  two to their height just like some women (not me!) shaved off a couple pounds if they could lose a couple of pounds).

  There is a range.  But this man in your case OP provided fake photos.  Sure you can "feel compassion" but no his bad luck in dating/rejections -we all went through that -do not justify lying.  This is how I raise my own son who is 15 - you don't lie because you want the easy way out or to get a benefit that you otherwise wouldn't get or to be accepted.  There's no other way to be and it's not fair to hurt other people with lies.

 

[MissCanuck]

This man didn't show understanding or compassion to you, OP. 

He abused your trust for 2.5 years. He played on your emotions and sold you a complete lie. He also stole someone else's photos to con you. I fail to see where someone like this warrants much sympathy. True, he might feel badly about himself. That doesn't justify or excuse this sort of behaviour. 

You don't need to be unkind to him, to be clear, but you need to be careful to see these red flags for what they are. This is not just about him wanting to feel attractive. Remember that you don't know the real him. There could be plenty more he has hidden from you, but even if there isn't, this would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. 

You have to decide for yourself. All I can say is I don't have relationships with people who are capable of this sort of dishonesty. I don't care why they do it, either. I just know they don't get a seat at my table. 

[Ngingingi]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

There is a range.   This is how I raise my own son who is 15 - you don't lie because you want the easy way out or to get a benefit that you otherwise wouldn't get or to be accepted.  There's no other way to be and it's not fair to hurt other people with lies.

 

Thank you, I’ll try to keep this in mind. Good wisdom. Honesty is the best policy 

[Ngingingi]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

He played on your emotions and sold you a complete lie. He also stole someone else's photos to con you. You don't need to be unkind to him, to be clear, but you need to be careful to see these red flags for what they are. 
You have to decide for yourself. All I can say is I don't have relationships with people who are capable of this sort of dishonesty. 

Yes. I understand. I have to decide for myself and that’s still important. It wouldn’t be bad thing if I were a little selfish I guess.

[Batya33]

18 hours ago, Ngingingi said:

Yes. I understand. I have to decide for myself and that’s still important. It wouldn’t be bad thing if I were a little selfish I guess.

Huh? How is that being selfish? Please I hope you were joking. 

[catfeeder]

You fell in love with your own fantasy 'about' someone who isn't real.

This is a catfisher who doesn't want to pay for online sex, so he gaslighted you into forming that fantasy so you'll participate with him. He may be doing the same with any number of women, and he's able to continue lying to you about his 'soul' because you've proven gullible enough to believe that.

If you want to remain involved with this deception, that's up to you, but the bigger question would be WHY?

Is your life so dreary that you'd rather live in your head with a fantasy? If so, it's a new year--why not take steps to change that instead of engaging with someone who has already proven himself to be  un-trust-worthy?

[Ngingingi]

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Huh? How is that being selfish? Please I hope you were joking. 

It’s not selfish then. Just going to advocate for me.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Ngingingi said:

It’s not selfish then. Just going to advocate for me.

It's far more basic -no need even to advocate. Just be your own friend and take care of yourself. Be a person who is a person with compassion and kindness from a position of reasonable self confidence.  Keep it simple and basic so you don't feel tempted to tell yourself it's easier to just "go with the flow" by keeping in contact with this person or "I'm not strong enough to "advocate" for myself"

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Ngingingi said:

It’s not selfish then. Just going to advocate for me.

You don't even need to do that. 

You just need to require the basics: the other person needs to be honest about who they are. 

What has your relationship history been like? Have you dated other men who weren't great partners to you? 

[Ngingingi]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's far more basic -no need even to advocate. Just be your own friend and take care of yourself. Be a person who is a person with compassion and kindness from a position of reasonable self confidence.  Keep it simple and basic so you don't feel tempted to tell yourself it's easier to just "go with the flow" by keeping in contact with this person or "I'm not strong enough to "advocate" for myself"

Thank you! You have been helpful to me, to get clearer thoughts.

[Ngingingi]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

 

The other person has become honest now. Still consistent of his love towards me. He’s emotionally dependent on me now, so I also struggle about leaving. My hx are like high school crushes and online. I have never formally dated or been in a longterm relationship. Because of such red flags and inconsistencies. I had 3 dates with one guy only (real) but there’s just a red flag, so I don’t want him. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Ngingingi said:

The other person has become honest now. Still consistent of his love towards me. He’s emotionally dependent on me now, so I also struggle about leaving. My hx are like high school crushes and online. I have never formally dated or been in a longterm relationship. Because of such red flags and inconsistencies. I had 3 dates with one guy only (real) but there’s just a red flag, so I don’t want him. 

No he hasn't become an honest person. He confessed and you believe now he is being truthful. Huge difference.  and

Please know if you associate with people like this person and tell yourself "he became honest" and  you heaven forbid intertwine or mingle finances/property ownership/pets/kids whatever you're risking great harm to yourself and  your family and it's on you as he has showed you who he is. 

There is no struggle based on his "emotional dependency" - big word salad for basically "It's too hard not to be in a romantic entanglement with him". If he now is being truthful it's safe to interact if he needs resources for his emotional issues -it's fine to recommend a particular therapist, a book, a group that might help him. 

I am FB friends with a woman who lied to me/misled me and scammed many many mothers on our FB group which she is now kicked out of. She went back to prison, got out again and is now rehabilitated and doing amazing things for her community. 

I will never ever be in personal contact with her again, associate with her again but would I be willing to donate $ to the nonprofit she is involved in? Yes. Would I be willing to recommend resources to her for her teenage son like if he needed medical or dental assistance? Of course.  Would I be willing as I did many years ago to meet her for lunch or chat with her on the phone.  Heck no.  

It is hard to disentangle from a romantic attachment especially if the person is unstable.  What's harder is to remain entangled at great risk to yourself and potentially your property/reputation/family.  

Also  the more you get involved in activities that attract people of character and integrity the more options you will have of meeting well-intentioned good people as friends and potentially for a romantic relationship/dating.

[Ngingingi]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No he hasn't become an honest person. He confessed and you believe now he is being truthful. Huge difference. 

It is hard to disentangle from a romantic attachment especially if the person is unstable.  What's harder is to remain entangled.

First one was a word. I get you . There is a difference between. Thank you, I gained a clearer thought. It’s harder to remain entangled, in the end I would be the one in facing problems. I accept that I got catfished already, but it doesn’t mean I approve it. It’s really not a good start fr building a longterm relationship. I could also imagine if for example I introduce him to my relatives of how we met. I wd kinda feel embarrassed.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Ngingingi said:

First one was a word. I get you . There is a difference between. Thank you, I gained a clearer thought. It’s harder to remain entangled, in the end I would be the one in facing problems. I accept that I got catfished already, but it doesn’t mean I approve it. It’s really not a good start fr building a longterm relationship. I could also imagine if for example I introduce him to my relatives of how we met. I wd kinda feel embarrassed.

LOL not just "not a good start" -try -dealbreaker.  Wouldn't you wonder if he'd try to scam your relatives/lie to them etc? Or if he was on social media contacting other women with fake photos?