Ngingingi Posted January 8 Posted January 8 Hey everyone! I’m torn. Any advice 2nd opinion, scolding (lol), or life lessons are welcome. We met on that anonymous site and he told me he’s this and that. We fell in love, talked about marriage, kids, good future, and also got seggsual. We deepened emotionally. He’s a good person I can tell. (No money was involved). I can see his personality and I thought this was his image. The red flags were there and I was naive to realize (no face during vidchat, no voice messages, professional photograph). I was patient &naive thought that maybe he’s still shy or insecure. He grew an attachment on me. We loved each other. My vision of the future were looking bright. Until 2 and a half years he came clean to me. That he wasn’t who I think he was. The images were not him and he’s not from this area etc. he tried to explain to me he’d been wanting to come clean but damn the back and forth do 2nd guessing to do took those amount of yrs. I was really heartbroken, hurt, feeling betrayed, shock, denial, you name it. I wanted to let go as I think I do not deserve this. I thought he was the perfect man for me, but not. I was deeply hurt. I really want to let go. But he takes accountability for his actions and hopes to do right things in the future, asks for one more chance. But I feel like the trust is broken. The good thing is that he didn’t ghost me like other catfishers that I’ve read would do. He took accountability and willing to rebuild trust and be true. But am I willing to rebuild it? Looks like I’m leaning more onto starting a new beginning. I’m thought tht I don’t want this, I don’t like how it all began, it’s fcking unfair. Over the days, I find myself becoming avoidant (because of the pain) and he was the anxious pleader. I forgave him, gave another chance, and answered my burning questions promptly. I changed his life as per se. The problem now is i may not be physically attracted to him after seeing real picss (coz I’ve got this whole asss other image in my brain nd type), but I like his personality. As he pleads me to be the same heartful person to him, the other half of me feels like I was robbed of the freedom of choice. And my heart was stolen, literally. It sucks. i don’t wanna break hearts more. I tried to expressed my thoughts, but yeah still gave him a chance. that's now, blurring. When will I choose me?
Batya33 Posted January 8 Posted January 8 What do you have going on in your life? Do you have interesting work ? Friends you socialize with ? Volunteer work? Are you physically active in some way? What can you do to enhance your in person life?
Ngingingi Posted January 8 Author Posted January 8 14 minutes ago, Batya33 said: What do you have going on in your life? Do you have interesting work ? Friends you socialize with ? Volunteer work? Are you physically active in some way? What can you do to enhance your in person life? I would like to focus on my career path in healthcare. Yes I’m active and seeking joys of life. My love life is just shaky rn because I thought he is the one for me, but I got betrayed. I feel embarrassed talking about this situation to my family or friends.
SophiaG Posted January 8 Posted January 8 If you thought he was in your area what stopped you from meeting him in the 2.5 years? And I take it you still haven’t met him or known what he really looks like? Such are the risks of falling “in love” with someone you’ve never met, not even seeing his face in video chats - you were in love with an imaginary person, not a real person. With AI and stuff today even videos can be easily faked. Don’t waste any more time with an anonymous character.
Ngingingi Posted January 8 Author Posted January 8 1 minute ago, SophiaG said: If you thought he was in your area what stopped you from meeting him in the 2.5 years? And I take it you still haven’t met him or known what he really looks like? Such are the risks of falling “in love” with someone you’ve never met, not even seeing his face in video chats - you were in love with an imaginary person, not a real person. With AI and stuff today even videos can be easily faked. Don’t waste any more time with an anonymous character. Thank you for your thought. Yes, we haven’t met as we’re from different countries. He showed me his real photo and my attraction changed. He is a real person who used a different profile picture that is not him.
SophiaG Posted January 8 Posted January 8 18 minutes ago, Ngingingi said: Thank you for your thought. Yes, we haven’t met as we’re from different countries. He showed me his real photo and my attraction changed. He is a real person who used a different profile picture that is not him. How do you know his “real photos” are actually real this time? And what else could he be lying to you about? His age, education, occupation, marital status? You have no idea if he’s even single or have children, for example, or he could be a convicted sexual offender.
Ngingingi Posted January 8 Author Posted January 8 42 minutes ago, SophiaG said: How do you know his “real photos” are actually real this time? And what else could he be lying to you about? His age, education, occupation, marital status? You have no idea if he’s even single or have children, for example, or he could be a convicted sexual offender. He bared out his true soul for me
SophiaG Posted January 8 Posted January 8 1 hour ago, Ngingingi said: He bared out his true soul for me Which means what? Did you not think he revealed his "soul" to you in the previous 2.5 years before you learned he wasn't who you thought he was? Speaking for myself I take anything someone I've never met says with a grain of salt. And once I learn they are capable of lying/deception about something as fundamental as who they are and where they live I would assume anything else they said about themselves can be false and stop engaging with them any further. 1
Batya33 Posted January 8 Posted January 8 1 hour ago, Ngingingi said: He bared out his true soul for me I think it's time you bared your true soul to yourself. What type of background check did you do in the 2.5 years you typed and talked? You know most jobs in healthcare require being focused on getting accurate information about the person so that treatment plans and meds etc are appropriate, so that health history reflects accuracy. I am not in that field but know this to be true. I'd stop in my personal life being so careless with who you interact with and relying on a stranger's "soull" -he was a stranger for all romantic purposes for sure. 1
Ngingingi Posted January 9 Author Posted January 9 8 hours ago, SophiaG said: Which means what? Did you not think he revealed his "soul" to you in the previous 2.5 years before you learned he wasn't who you thought he was? Speaking for myself I take anything someone I've never met says with a grain of salt. And once I learn they are capable of lying/deception about something as fundamental as who they are and where they live I would assume anything else they said about themselves can be false and stop engaging with them any further. Thank you for your thought. I understand
Ngingingi Posted January 9 Author Posted January 9 8 hours ago, Batya33 said: I think it's time you bared your true soul to yourself. What type of background check did you do in the 2.5 years you typed and talked? You know most jobs in healthcare require being focused on getting accurate information about the person so that treatment plans and meds etc are appropriate, so that health history reflects accuracy. I am not in that field but know this to be true. I'd stop in my personal life being so careless with who you interact with and relying on a stranger's "soull" -he was a stranger for all romantic purposes for sure. I understand. Thank you for your thoughts.
yogacat Posted January 9 Posted January 9 I'm sorry you were decieved and maybe he felt that you wouldn't like the real him but 2 and a half years is a very long time to be dishonest with someone. It's understandable that you feel betrayed and hurt. I also think it's normal to lose attraction after seeing someone's true appearance and I don't think you should feel bad about that. You have every right to choose what you want for yourself and if you feel like you need to let go and move on, then that's okay.
Ngingingi Posted January 9 Author Posted January 9 7 minutes ago, yogacat said: I'm sorry you were decieved and maybe he felt that you wouldn't like the real him but 2 and a half years is a very long time to be dishonest with someone. It's understandable that you feel betrayed and hurt. I also think it's normal to lose attraction after seeing someone's true appearance and I don't think you should feel bad about that. You have every right to choose what you want for yourself and if you feel like you need to let go and move on, then that's okay. Thank you for your empathy and thought. God bless.
yogacat Posted January 9 Posted January 9 5 minutes ago, Ngingingi said: Thank you for your empathy and thought. God bless. It's hard. Just to preface. I was engaged to someone over 15 years ago and he still reaches out to me. He cheated on me for context, which I am totally over, but the last time we spoke I thought we could talk as chill friends but he kept bringing up romantic moments that the two of us used to share. I felt like that was not appropriate. I told him we had to keep it platonic and ended the conversation. Since then, he has continued to try to reach out to me, mostly through social media, but I haven't been responding. Recently, he messaged me on Facebook asking how I have been and is worried about me with the fires in my area. You're still in the early stages of processing this betrayal and it's completely normal to feel unsure about what to do next. It can be really difficult to navigate a situation like this because your heart and your head are telling you different things. On one hand, you have a history with this person and you have feelings for them. On the other hand, they lied to you and that has damaged the trust in your relationship. As your feelings about the person are still very fresh. You also have uncertainly about them and their behavior. This is normal for us to go through because it's all so unnatural and so weird. I would recommend giving it some time to sit with it. Do some introspection and think about how you feel about them in general. I wouldn't jump into jumping to conclusions at this stage. Don't assume anything. Do research. Research ways to treat them with good manners and in a professional way and encourage them to do the same.
Ngingingi Posted January 10 Author Posted January 10 On 1/9/2025 at 9:41 AM, yogacat said: You're still in the early stages of processing this betrayal and it's completely normal to feel unsure about what to do next. It can be really difficult to navigate a situation like this because your heart and your head are telling you different things. On one hand, you have a history with this person and you have feelings for them. On the other hand, they lied to you and that has damaged the trust in your relationship. As your feelings about the person are still very fresh. You also have uncertainly about them and their behavior. This is normal for us to go through because it's all so unnatural and so weird. I would recommend giving it some time to sit with it. Do some introspection and think about how you feel about them in general. I wouldn't jump into jumping to conclusions at this stage. I’m sorry you were betrayed by your then person. I wish you healing and all the best because you’re a good person. And it’s true my head and heart are saying different things. I saw a handsome, eye-catching, my type of man in a public area yesterday and i feel down because my person is far from those looks (although his catfish image was like that and I fell for it). On the other hand, I thought am I being so shallow? It sucks I might hurt his feelings because of that. Although, My person said that he is willing to change and give the best version of himself for me (physical, mental, financial etc.). If we separate because of my type of look, I feel like I’m going to regret it because we are emotionally attracted each other, our values align, we both want marriage, and he makes me feel safe. All of our feeling are normal and valid. Thank you. And you are right, I’m being patient and taking my time to observe and introspect. For the past days, I felt like a judge weighing out the pros and cons. Whether to cut it off or not. It’s consuming my mind. We can appreciate what we have now and enjoy life. I still show him kindness. 1
Batya33 Posted January 10 Posted January 10 Your feelings are your feelings. Feelings are not facts. You choose how to react. I'd be very very turned off -and run -from someone who had never met you and said he would make such drastic changes for a stranger -and he is a stranger for all romantic and dating purposes. Nothing to put on the pros list unless a pro is interacting with a clearly unstable person and a liar. Your feelings of pining/hoping/yearning/feeling connected to this person are normal feelings. But reacting by taking him up on his offer and planning to meet and relying on a stranger's words would not be normal. At all. It sounds like you focus a lot on what a man looks like and have a specific type. If so and this is your priority (yes looks matter, attraction matters but now you've mentioned looks and type a lot including the man you checked out etc -that's a very strong focus on what a man looks like) - I'd avoid most online sites because even if the photo is accurate people often look different in person and with your strong preferences it's likely to be disappointing to you. I get that this man lied to you about what he looked like which is a dealbreaker in itself. So even if you "feel" like giving him another chance I'd react to that "feeling" by ending contact with this unstable person. 1
MissCanuck Posted January 10 Posted January 10 3 hours ago, Ngingingi said: we are emotionally attracted each other, our values align, we both want marriage, and he makes me feel safe. Girl, what? Your values don't align, if you value honesty and resepct for your partner. This man actively deceived you 2.5 years. That is manipulative and demonstrates a serious lack of respect for you. I am not sure where you see the value alignent in that. Also, the same man who lied to you for so long makes you feel safe? I think the idea of him makes you feel safe, but the real him is not someone you can or should trust. This is a person who plays with the truth to get what he wants. Please be careful here. This runs a lot deeper than just feeling insecure about his looks. 1 1
Ngingingi Posted January 10 Author Posted January 10 13 minutes ago, MissCanuck said: Girl, what? Your values don't align, if you value honesty and resepct for your partner. This man actively deceived you 2.5 years. That is manipulative and demonstrates a serious lack of respect for you. I am not sure where you see the value alignent in that. Also, the same man who lied to you for so long makes you feel safe? I think the idea of him makes you feel safe, but the real him is not someone you can or should trust. This is a person who plays with the truth to get what he wants. Please be careful here. This runs a lot deeper than just feeling insecure about his looks. You’re right too. He got what he want and as I’ve said it felt like I was robbed of freedom of choice.
MissCanuck Posted January 10 Posted January 10 10 minutes ago, Ngingingi said: You’re right too. He got what he want and as I’ve said it felt like I was robbed of freedom of choice. Yes, and please take into account what this says about his real values and character. There's something not right with a person who can carry out that sort of deception over a long time. I would be done with him, personally. And it wouldn't be because of how he really looks. It would be because I don't have intimate relationships with people who behave this way to begin with. Next time, don't overlook the red flags. There were plenty. 2
Ngingingi Posted January 10 Author Posted January 10 1 hour ago, Batya33 said: Your feelings are your feelings. Feelings are not facts. You choose how to react. I'd be very very turned off -and run -from someone who had never met you and said he would make such drastic changes for a stranger -and he is a stranger for all romantic and dating purposes. I get that this man lied to you about what he looked like which is a dealbreaker in itself. So even if you "feel" like giving him another chance I'd react to that "feeling" by ending contact with this unstable person. I hear you. I have tried to cut it off really, but the guy pleads fr last chance to prove and better himself the way I deserve it. he just wants to love me. My heart was moved I guess. I don’t know what the future holds from there.
Batya33 Posted January 10 Posted January 10 2 minutes ago, Ngingingi said: I hear you. I have tried to cut it off really, but the guy pleads fr last chance to prove and better himself the way I deserve it. he just wants to love me. My heart was moved I guess. I don’t know what the future holds from there. No there is no trying there is doing and not doing. Please stop lying to yourself -he wants to love you in his way -his way is to use loving words to deceive you. That is not giving love even if he "feels" love for you. Feelings are not facts. Your heart can leap and jump and move and shake. You choose how to react to that. Healthy relationships -romantic or friendship -require head and heart much of the time. Not just "my heart wants" - because your feelings if you react to them can lead you to an extremely dangerous place or at the very least unhealthy for you and your future. You also need to stop with the cliches - no one knows what the future holds. We simply live our lives to lessen the risk of stuff happening that is not in our best interests or that harms up. So lessen the risk of this unstable person doing actual damage to you -which very often liars like him are more than capable of - by not interacting with him. 1 1
Ngingingi Posted January 10 Author Posted January 10 8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said: Yes, and please take into account what this says about his real values and character. There's something not right with a person who can carry out that sort of deception over a long time. I would be done with him, personally. And it wouldn't be because of how he really looks. It would be because I don't have intimate relationships with people who behave this way to begin with. Next time, don't overlook the red flags. There were plenty. Exactly, I learned my lesson on this. I have to be strong on my stance. The person actually knew it wasn’t right, he was also uncomfy those years. He got stuck and pushing back the day to come clean, to protect my emotions (because this is what I know because he introduced himself as: name, ethnicity, age etc. all of which of those background is false) 1
Batya33 Posted January 10 Posted January 10 10 minutes ago, Ngingingi said: Exactly, I learned my lesson on this. I have to be strong on my stance. The person actually knew it wasn’t right, he was also uncomfy those years. He got stuck and pushing back the day to come clean, to protect my emotions (because this is what I know because he introduced himself as: name, ethnicity, age etc. all of which of those background is false) Who cares if he felt comfortable while acting in a deceitful and creepy way? Please assume he cares nothing about "protecting" your emotions. Liars with rare exception care only about themselves. Next time if you are serious about meeting the person do a background check. 1
Ngingingi Posted January 10 Author Posted January 10 12 minutes ago, Batya33 said: No there is no trying there is doing and not doing. Please stop lying to yourself -Not just "my heart wants" - because your feelings if you react to them can lead you to an extremely dangerous place or at the very least unhealthy for you and your future. You also need to stop with the cliches - no one knows what the future holds. We simply live our lives to lessen the risk of stuff happening that is not in our best interests or that harms up. Thank you for your thoughts and effort. I have learned a lot. It sucks to decide when you’re compassionate, or you just pity, or choose to see the goodness in a person. I do have to choose myself.
MissCanuck Posted January 10 Posted January 10 19 minutes ago, Ngingingi said: . I have tried to cut it off really You can cut it off if you really want to. I would get to the bottom of why you don't want to do that. I know your feelings are all mixed up right now, but in time, I think you will see that this person would not be a good partner. He's too much a liar. There is no way I would even attempt to build a life with someone like this. 1
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