Don't you think that looks are the most important factor?

[BackHome]

Isn't it an obvious fact that looks are the most important factor in dating & relationships? I know that there are unattractive people who are in relationships but aren't they mostly just an exception?

For instance, I was watching some daygame videos on YouTube. Men go and talk to women on the streets, malls or bars. Good looking ones generally succeed unlike the unattractive ones. Any thoughts?

[Seraphim]

Nope. Still married at 58 and we don’t look the same as when we were 20. One’s character is the most important . 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, BackHome said:

Isn't it an obvious fact that looks are the most important factor in dating & relationships? I know that there are unattractive people who are in relationships but aren't they mostly just an exception?

For instance, I was watching some daygame videos on YouTube. Men go and talk to women on the streets, malls or bars. Good looking ones generally succeed unlike the unattractive ones. Any thoughts?

No for long term relationships. Yes for flings or casual sex. Yes for someone who wants arm candy or thinks their value is increased with a conventionally attractive person on their arm. Also it’s in the eye of the beholder. My husband is cute and handsome ! And he’s really short for a guy. Which means he’s not considered conventionally attractive by the majority of women. Which means I’m a lucky gal as I preferred shorter men overall. 
My thing was this. Whether in person or dating sites I started conversations with men I found reasonably attractive. When  I was a teenager and in my early 20s I often wanted arm candy. I had a poster of John Stamos in my bedroom. So hot. Later that changed. 
I was reasonably cute and attractive. Not glamorous looking not a person who would be approached over other more glamorous or attractive women in a bar or club setting. But I was extroverted and had good social skills and was a good dancer. So in those situations I’d start conversations or ask men to dance and those men who had a click with me often would ask for my number to call me and ask me out. 
I did have looks related deal breakers. Long hair. Piercing. Tattoos. An effeminate voice. Bad posture. Inappropriate clothing.  Sloppy looking. Etc. other women were into long hair and tattoos.  
so yes I totally disagree. 
also what does success mean ? The more attractive man gets more women to give a phone number ? Gets laid more often ? Gets attention more often ? To me success is two people who connect and find each other and that connection grows and develops and endures over time. I’m also 58. As is my husband. He’s seen me and I’ve seen him looking pretty worse for wesr. Like being in labor for 25 hours (me). Terrible colds and headaches (him) baby weight for a couple of months (me).  And on and on. Also he’s gained some weight. I’ve gained wrinkles. And graying hair that I’m lazy about getting highlighted. So? Would he be successful if he approached a woman at one of the many professional events he attends? I bet he would because he’s a genuinely charming person and his integrity and character shine through right away. Would he be successful approaching a hot looking woman all dolled up and much younger? I doubt it. Luckily this is all hypothetical.  Our interactions with hotties or available men and women are appropriate as we’re happily married. 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, BackHome said:

Good looking ones generally succeed unlike the unattractive ones. 

Yes, its called "pretty privilege". They also are more likely to get the job over somebody who isnt pretty and bunch of other stuff. They just come off as better and leave better impressions. Which does matter when you apply for a job. Or even when you approach somebody.

But that doesnt mean you cant get a relationship. Unless you approach women who look like models, your competition arent going to be 2 meters tall gorgeous men. Nore all women will take those when it comes to a relationship. Yes. looks is advantageous. And you have to be at least presentable and have at least something to offer. But that doesnt mean looks is everything. Only "blackpill" thinks that. How looks is everything so they try to "looksmax" and who knows what. Which is fine, if you want to go to gym or dress better, sure, go ahead, it doesnt hurt. But its not really the most important factor unless women you are approaching are very vain about looks. Lots of men think its about looks because they look at women through that prism. And some women think its about career and money because they look at men through the same. But in reality very little number of men would care about your career and how much you earn. And very little women would care solely about the looks. Its distorted view because men appreciate looks more. While women care more about the other stuff.

[yogacat]

Looks definitely get you a lot more 1st dates. Confidence, sense of humor, money and a car all help too, when striking up conversations with strangers. But that 1st date won’t get you a second one if you suck as a person. 

Some men/women can get a wide circle of acquaintances, plenty of dates, maybe a solid relationship with one, all without having knockout looks.

But how that relationship or marriage does going forward, that's where intelligence, loyalty, compatibility, and willingness to learn really do make a huge difference.

Beauty isn't everything; it's a ticket to special treatment, finding people who want to be around someone or couple that look good, but ultimately the test of a lasting relationship is how committed the people are to being partners, to working things out even when it's not fun and easy.

Beauty matters to many people because it's satisfying to date people who look good to you, and are fun and easy to be around. So, it's not so much an auxiliary quality as something that makes meeting, dating, and sexually satisfying people actually fun, or pleasurable afterwards. If you can do some things together, but the effort is very taxing, it can really interrupt the closeness and feeling of belonging. Biologically, that sucks because people are ultimately social beings. Logically, at least when it belongs on paper, that shouldn't matter too much, but it can still cause people to feel stressed out and generally emotionally unwell.

Meanwhile it would be great if everyone could have most or all the parts in a relationship where we feel someone is part of our kin (sisterhood or brotherhood), and generally always there for us no matter what. But unfortunately there are a ridiculously large number of people can have all or most of the pieces for a fantastic, long-term relationship, and break their backs or find themselves supporting someone who does virtually no adulting. 

The daygame videos on YouTube may show a certain trend (don't quite know what these videos are exactly), but I bet it is not representative of all dating experiences. There are many factors at play when it comes to approaching someone in public, including timing, setting, and communication skills.

Now, if he is uber attractive then I am sure some women would love being approached. But please remember, it falls onto the human male to become the salesmen and it will be up to these men to help sell, promote, and advertise himself for those women If you are talking about regular men, it really depends. Some women may be attracted to him while others may not be, just like how men may be attracted to some women but not others. It's a two-way street.

[smackie9]

It's not looks like model looks so much, but looking put together, healthy, nice teeth yes it is important to most. What is attractive to us is dictated by our brains so it will vary from person to person. Yes those pretty people do have an advantage for sure. I have met very attractive people, until they start talking they can become the most unattractive person i have ever met. Attractive people can be total loser/insecure/have issues/lousy in bed. So they may get their foot in the door sooner, but it doesn't alway mean they are someone you would want to invest yourself in. 

[Coily]

Bwahaha no.

As said before there is "pretty privilege." You are trying to answer a question that has no single answer. it would be like asking someone which kind of dessert is best for everyone. Sure one can ooh and awe over the well frosted cake, but would never order it, let alone devour it.

 

[tattoobunnie]

8 hours ago, BackHome said:

Isn't it an obvious fact that looks are the most important factor in dating & relationships?

Studies show that scent is most important.  And I don't mean perfumes, soaps, or deodorants.  Biologically, everyone has their own unique signature pheromone scent that is emitted through our sweat glands. Pheromones can also influence emotions and create feelings of relaxation, pleasantness and relaxation, and may play a role in our attraction for others.  It's how babies instantly bond with their moms and dads - it's not if they look Inst-Glamorous.

https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/sex-life-pheromones

I once read a study that people also choose each other based on how our health background is - not by sharing what your family history is - we tend to choose people with similar health histories.  The nose knows.

One day when you are holding the love of your life, through sickness and health, good times and bad times, when they are all bloated and gross after having given birth, and you truly think they are a goddess, you will laugh at this post, and realize "beauty is more than skin deep."

[EitherDare10]

No. I will say, I generally will not go out with a girl that I do not find at least somewhat physically attractive. I do not have to be blow away, but I need to have some. 

Not even meaning to, but I had a lady friend who I was not attracted to at first, but we hit it off so well that I formed more attraction to her physically than I held early on.

 

But looks definitely are not the most important thing. Chemistry to me is. 

[Jaunty]

Looks is far from the most important factor in a relationship.  Good looks do, however, really ease the way into actually having a relationship.   Attractive people have an advantage in the "first impressions" department.   

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Studies show that scent is most important.  And I don't mean perfumes, soaps, or deodorants.  Biologically, everyone has their own unique signature pheromone scent that is emitted through our sweat glands. Pheromones can also influence emotions and create feelings of relaxation, pleasantness and relaxation, and may play a role in our attraction for others.  It's how babies instantly bond with their moms and dads - it's not if they look Inst-Glamorous.

https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/sex-life-pheromones

I once read a study that people also choose each other based on how our health background is - not by sharing what your family history is - we tend to choose people with similar health histories.  The nose knows.

One day when you are holding the love of your life, through sickness and health, good times and bad times, when they are all bloated and gross after having given birth, and you truly think they are a goddess, you will laugh at this post, and realize "beauty is more than skin deep."

This is so true. I can be meh about a man but if he has a certain scent my attraction tank takes over. 

Like the times my ex hugged me and he had part body odor and part musky, I couldn’t resist.😍

[lostandhurt]

Attraction is important, looks are subjective.  To succeed you need to attract another person or they need to attract you.  How that happens varies greatly.  Could be looks, intelligence, status, character, strength, body type, financial, humor and on and on.

  Work to your strengths as you build up where you are lacking.  There are tons of not so good looking guys that are funny with really attractive women. 

Lost

[ShySoul]

Looks are not important. Looks tell you nothing about a persons heart or soul. They don't say if a person will be honest, trustworthy, caring, kind, respectful, sensitive, thoughtful, intelligent, giving... and a host of other emotions and factors that ultimately make relationships happy and successful.

Looks are so subjective as to make it irrelevant. I've challenged people for years to find one universally attractive person. No one has ever done so. External beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And everyone is beautful to someone. If it's all so subjective, why worry about it? Why focus on it? A person will either be attracted or not. It's not under your control.

And there are many cases where it doesn't play a factor at all. Do blind people care about your looks? They don't see them. Do asexual people focus on looks? No, they get that same thrill from it. As a soul sexual person, I focus on the internal beauty of a person. Looks don't have to be any kind of factor, let alone the most important factor.

Two best loves of my life featured attraction before we even saw a picture of each other. Even we saw a picture or met in person, the focus was never on how we looked. It was always about the connection we shared. It was what we had in common, how well we understood and got each other. Looks didn't matter at all.

Sure, some people will pay attention that kind of thing. But when you actually look at the relationships that last, it's the internal qualities that end up being what matters most to people.

[mylolita]

On 1/8/2025 at 7:12 PM, tattoobunnie said:

Studies show that scent is most important.  And I don't mean perfumes, soaps, or deodorants.  Biologically, everyone has their own unique signature pheromone scent that is emitted through our sweat glands. Pheromones can also influence emotions and create feelings of relaxation, pleasantness and relaxation, and may play a role in our attraction for others.  It's how babies instantly bond with their moms and dads - it's not if they look Inst-Glamorous.

https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/sex-life-pheromones

I once read a study that people also choose each other based on how our health background is - not by sharing what your family history is - we tend to choose people with similar health histories.  The nose knows.

One day when you are holding the love of your life, through sickness and health, good times and bad times, when they are all bloated and gross after having given birth, and you truly think they are a goddess, you will laugh at this post, and realize "beauty is more than skin deep."

This is very accurate bunny - and out pheromones signal health and fertility and stability, amongst many other things.

 

There are also studies that indicate women being on the hormonal contraceptive pill can disrupt this natural, animalistic and subconscious mating strategy.

 

x

[mylolita]

Afternoon BackHome! 
 

Nice username ☺️

 

I feel, before we talk to a stranger, we make hundreds of snap judgements based on physicality and appearance and mannerisms and scent. This is human nature and it was and still is, an animalistic virtue that was vital for our survival. 
 

From someone’s face and body, we can actually make quite accurate judgements on health and fertility, for example. 
 

When you first lay eyes on the opposite sex, normally, it is an “outward” attraction that is noticed initially. For people who are attracted straight away, they will often mention things like “eyes”, “smile”, “broad shoulders”, “tall”, “curvy”, “beautiful skin” etc etc or they might say “they oozed confidence” or “they seemed friendly” or “looked kind”. These are all personality assumptions and health assumptions based on appearance and appearance only.

 

Once you get talking to someone, you can get to know so much more. But body language even when talking to someone, and tone of voice rather than technically what is being said, still holds higher value to us when we are trying to suss out the person opposite. 
 

I think yes, there are men and women who are universally attractive, universally appealing and what you may call “conventionally beautiful”. This does make things easier for many area of life.

 

But as a few others have said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder at the end of the day and, if you ask couples what initially attracted them to their partners or spouses, yes, you will get appearance based reasons, of course, but you will also get maybe other niche reasons too. 
 

It’s fantastic and useful to be good looking, and often does indicate better genetic health (believe it or not!) but, it’s not everything. 
 

Anyone can improve their physical first impression by keeping reasonably healthy, having white clean teeth, keeping their skin clear and hair well kept, dressing for their body type and generally just feeling confident about themselves, in and out. That really does radiate out of someone, regardless how attractive they are. 
 

x

[mylolita]

Also, I just wanted to add OP.

 

A lot of people do generally seem to have a loose “type”. This can be amalgamated due to many reasons. But, if you’re not the cup of tea of the object of your desire, you could be a knock out brunette with long tanned legs but if they just have a thing for pale petite blondes, Y’know, it may not be on the cards. 
 

Like @Batya33 mentioned, I too prefer men on the shorter side. Because the stocky rugby player with thick thighs and calves, I love it, and I find you get that in smaller men. Personally, very skinny men have never ever appealed to me sexually. It’s just one of those. Some people simply like what they like physically for whatever reason, it’s usually nothing personal. 
 

x

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Also, I just wanted to add OP.

 

A lot of people do generally seem to have a loose “type”. This can be amalgamated due to many reasons. But, if you’re not the cup of tea of the object of your desire, you could be a knock out brunette with long tanned legs but if they just have a thing for pale petite blondes, Y’know, it may not be on the cards. 
 

Like @Batya33 mentioned, I too prefer men on the shorter side. Because the stocky rugby player with thick thighs and calves, I love it, and I find you get that in smaller men. Personally, very skinny men have never ever appealed to me sexually. It’s just one of those. Some people simply like what they like physically for whatever reason, it’s usually nothing personal. 
 

x

LOL yes never liked very tall and skinny -didn't appeal to me - or long hair/piercings or a high pitched or effeminate voice.  Stuff that person really can't control so it's "superficial" on my part but to me in all my romantic relationships physical features and mannerisms play a role in attraction.  

[j41]

On 1/8/2025 at 11:53 AM, BackHome said:

Isn't it an obvious fact that looks are the most important factor in dating & relationships? I know that there are unattractive people who are in relationships but aren't they mostly just an exception?

For instance, I was watching some daygame videos on YouTube. Men go and talk to women on the streets, malls or bars. Good looking ones generally succeed unlike the unattractive ones. Any thoughts?

I think there is a degree of truth to this as unpopular as this opinion will be. All we can all do is try look our best and be the best versions of ourselves but what I have learnt is looks do make initial attraction easier (my near total lack of success would indicate I'm not physically attractive despite being tall and in shape).

It's important to not read too much into those videos because it will do yourself worth no good.

Looks can be overcome to an extent by being fun and engaging and I speak from experience as someone who is not fun but rather serious and shy I stand no chance against a guy who is maybe not in shape but is outgoing fun and makes a lady laugh.

There are significant grey areas these sorts of videos never really show.

[TeeDee]

Attraction is important but it will vary from person to person.  It's not the Most important because looks do change over time. 

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, j41 said:

Looks can be overcome to an extent by being fun and engaging and I speak from experience as someone who is not fun but rather serious and shy I stand no chance against a guy who is maybe not in shape but is outgoing fun and makes a lady laugh.

My husband was painfully shy when we first met on his first day of work at the welcome breakfast for the newbies.  People who are shy who are well intentioned come across in that way.  Even if they are quieter/shy/reserved.  Outgoing is good too -depends on how  the person uses their extroverted traits. I was very extroverted then became more introverted at age 42 after I had my child.  I think it's great to make people laugh but again it depends how and why.  My husband is still on the shy reserved side and has always had a great sense of humor and a compatible sense of humor with me. He's not going to be the loud person cracking jokes or making people laugh with outrageous antics but we have tons of inside jokes going back to the mid 90s and we crack each other up.  We're 58.

[lostandhurt]

Attraction is important, coupled with that is looks.  This is just a simple fact.  Once you have attracted someone with your looks (visual) then of course that is not enough.  Personality, character, beliefs, honesty, caring, funny, empathetic, giving and so many other traits then become important. Anyone that tells you different has either never dated or has had zero luck dating.

 In a perfect world looks wouldn't matter but we all have free will and like what we like.  Many of us cannot articulate why we are drawn to one look over another or why we always seem to be distracted towards this or that feature.  This is who we are as a species.

 Those of us that have been on this forum for a long time have seen a great many threads where a person really wants to date someone in their life that is absolutely awesome except that they simply are not attracted to them physically.  The advice by in large is to not fake it as there needs to be some attraction.  It may seem shallow but it is what it is. 

Looks are important in the beginning and continue to be because you want to look your best for your partner as they do the same for you. What that look is still is subjective.  

Be comfortable in your own skin, look your best so you feel your best and that will be attractive the right person.

Lost

[yogacat]

Agree.  I developed a crush on someone that I had no idea what he looked like but he challenged me with certain thought processes and seemed to have such a warm and giving heart that it attracted me.  

At the end of the day it is people who I actually have connections with that I gravitate towards. When I was 18 I was so much pickier about looks. 

External beauty is only skin deep. It is the heart and mind that actually determine what true beauty really is. When you really truly love someone you would find them beautiful no matter what as it's not about looks but about their inner beauty shining through. In an ideal world, having a good appearance would comprise being clean and healthy, nothing more.

None of the men I dated was I attracted to their looks initially, but they each had something unique that caught my heart. When the heart sings the ears never hear. 

[j41]

Ive been on dating apps for many years and to some extent these condition a person to only look at looks over and above but let's also be realistic in person a certain level of attraction is needed.

It's challenging to look at these dating vids because it's easy to get caught up in a narrative one where I think looks are over emphasized.

[j41]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My husband was painfully shy when we first met on his first day of work at the welcome breakfast for the newbies.  People who are shy who are well intentioned come across in that way.  Even if they are quieter/shy/reserved.  Outgoing is good too -depends on how  the person uses their extroverted traits. I was very extroverted then became more introverted at age 42 after I had my child.  I think it's great to make people laugh but again it depends how and why.  My husband is still on the shy reserved side and has always had a great sense of humor and a compatible sense of humor with me. He's not going to be the loud person cracking jokes or making people laugh with outrageous antics but we have tons of inside jokes going back to the mid 90s and we crack each other up.  We're 58.

This is a truly lovely story, thanks for sharing. I'm lonely pretty much all the time and like the initial poster I too looked at these videos but realised they only made me feel worse.

The key is being able to choose how to react to something and situations. I will probably never experience love and that's tough but I can celebrate people like yourself who did get to experience it.

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, j41 said:

It's challenging to look at these dating vids because it's easy to get caught up in a narrative one where I think looks are over emphasized.

Sure thing!

Looks might catch someone's attention at first, but personality keeps them interested. It's normal for physical attraction to play a part initially, but people rely on other types of attraction as well when forming first impressions. That's why I don't fully agree with the typical narrative.

Online dating can be different since it all starts with a static photo.

And many aspects of "looks" can be managed—having a good grooming routine, dressing well, staying fit, maintaining hygiene, and smiling genuinely can all boost your appeal. Little things like a bigger nose or wide-set eyes matter less.