How to Co-Parent with a Husband that cheated twice & acts like nothing happened

[outsiderviews1]

We’re going on 3 years since I found out my husband cheated on me for a second time. First time was with an ex-girlfriend right before I found out we were pregnant with our 2nd child and 4 years later it was with a coworker, to which he told me it was none of my business when I discovered it, told me he wanted a divorce and continued on with her. I feel like he had dragged me so far through the mud these past 13 years that I HATE him today. I want nothing to do with him and what makes it such a challenge is that I have to “co-parent” with him when I don’t ever want to see him or deal with him ever again. He acts like nothing really even happened and has tried over the last couple years to have “small talk” with me — laugh, joke, etc. and I have ZERO interest. I went from a crying, begging wife who just wanted answers to where I went wrong (he continuously ignored me and would not talk about any of it) and pleaded for counseling for YEARS to just feeling complete contempt for him after sitting with it for a while. A year after he left out, I received a “sorry for all of this”. And that was that. Water under the bridge.
 

So here we are. I choose to have when I say minimal, I mean MINIMAL contact with this person. He only hears from me if he asks a direct question about the kids. I don’t volunteer anything further unless it’s something very important like a medical concern (kid surgery, medication to be given, etc.) I don’t play the role of a secretary to remind him of important dates as I feel he’s an adult and can receive that information just as I do. When I have to see him for the 1-2 minute child exchanges, I am civil, but a stone wall towards him and don't say a word to him. I’m not interested in saying hello or even waving my hand —  I just keep my focus on our two daughters. Lately so I don’t have to even see him when I know it’s about time for my daughters to come home, I just leave the door cracked open and they’ve been coming inside on their own. When he texts me something that’s not a question — for example “my eta until I get to your house is xyz”, I don’t respond. I don’t feel the need to reply “okay”. I just don’t find him deserving of any response back unless I absolutely must answer a text phrased as a question. I keep things to such a bare bare minimum and I know he is very bothered by it, but I don’t care. 
 

Has anyone ever experienced having to coparent with someone who has disrespected you so badly you can’t even barely look them in the face? I’ve tried to find advice on this and it seems people who are in similar circumstances are pretty much told to just “let go” of the past as their no longer your spouse and to focus on being “friendly” for the kids sake. I feel like that requires “forgiveness” on my part and I’m no where near that nor do I know if I ever will be. I’ll say I’ve tried it briefly and he was so receptive to it that I pulled back and stopped. It was fake and forced on my part. I’ve gone for the past 2 years to a support group and am still in individual counseling for this all. He never needed any of that..just went on with life like absolutely nothing. I will say, he’s no longer with the co-worker he cheated with, but now another woman from his work team who has met my children at this point. Unfortunately we’re still married too as he never divorced me or even started the process for that matter. And he left me with having to uproot and move with our children so I’ve been struggling as a single mother financially. I did wind up taking him to court for child and spousal support so that’s whats really helping me stay afloat as I try to rebuild on my own. I’ve asked over the years when he’s going to serve me papers and he just ignores me. I even asked recently when I learned my children were now around someone new and he won’t respond. To say I’m disgusted is an understatement.

[ShySoul]

If you honestly hate him that much, divorce him. You don't have to wait for him to start the process. My mother made the decision to divorce my father and went out and found someone to help with it. You are already separated and clearly there is no reconciling in your mind. So why continue to drag it on? That just makes it worse for everyone. First step to feeling better is to make it official. Then you will both be free to puruse whatever else you want. And if he won't do it, then you need to.

Your feelings are your own and you are fine to feel whatever you feel. You don't have to forgive him. But forgiveness isn't about him. It's about you. Holding onto this anger and hate for him isn't good for your health emotionally or physically. It's been years and you are still stuck in that moment replaying it over and over. You won't be able to heal and feel good about life until you free yourself of that burden. Forgive doesn't mean forget. It doesn't mean saying he was okay to do that. It doesn't negate the hurt you felt. It means not allowing that hurt to control you anymore. You shouldn't forget what he did, and that is why you aren't with him and never will be. But forgiving him is really about allowing yourself to be open to more in life then staying connected to those incidents.

And divorce would probably be a good symbol of that forgiveness.

[ShySoul]

As for the children, you don't have to be friendly. Truth is you aren't going to be his friend. I usually say to try and be friends, but clearly here that isn't going to work. So you don't need to be friends. What you should be is civil. Your children are the most important part of this. They did nothing wrong and shouldn't be punished by growing about in an environment where their parents hate each other. Children can pick up when something is wrong. They will know. So you don't have to interact much. You don't have to be friends. If you can arrange it, you might not have to even see him. But you need to make sure to not sure the hostility you seem to have for him. That wouldn't be fair to the children. And for all the differences you and your husband have, I would hope doing what is best for the children would be the one thing you can agree on.

[DarkCh0c0]

Why are YOU not divorcing him?

[Seraphim]

You can divorce him. My mom divorced my dad in 1973. 

[Coily]

Since you already have a court order about spousal support, it will be another easy thing to get a divorce, at least in most Western Countries.

This will be harsh, but you hanging on to this hate is still making you and your life about your husband. Let that sink in. By hating him he still controls your life to it's finest detail. You don't have to be his friend, you don't have to say anything beyond information about the kids.  It strikes me, that you want to harbor this hate to "get back at" a man who has moved on.

[outsiderviews1]

22 minutes ago, Coily said:

Since you already have a court order about spousal support, it will be another easy thing to get a divorce, at least in most Western Countries.

This will be harsh, but you hanging on to this hate is still making you and your life about your husband. Let that sink in. By hating him he still controls your life to it's finest detail. You don't have to be his friend, you don't have to say anything beyond information about the kids.  It strikes me, that you want to harbor this hate to "get back at" a man who has moved on.

It’s a little complicated with the divorce portion. The state that I was living in when I filed the petition allows for spousal, the one I moved into, there is no spousal support. Just alimony that’s granted after the divorce is filed. I know you can simply file a divorce for a low cost fee at the court house, but the alimony and divorce in this state that I’m in (the state I’m from) is intertwined with one another, so I would need an attorney to come up with an “agreement” to present to the court. I just don’t have that kind of money right now. He does. I have nothing at the end of the month after paying bills/rent. He doesn’t even pay rent and still lives with family in a guest room and makes over 100K. It’s mind boggling to me. I tried all last year to get it squared away, applied for legal aid but was denied it due to the nature of my case. They only help fund cases that involve domestic abuse. A part of me just leaves the divorce in “limbo” because of the fact that I do get my supports from the prior state I was living (I never transferred the case as it would directly effect the spousal portion). But it’s been brought to my attention that the actual severance of the legal marriage does make a difference emotionally in “closing the chapter.” 
 

Your words are interesting and do have me sitting in deep thought. I see what you’re saying about how my hate somehow is in my mind “getting back” at him. I just don’t know how to be okay with it all I guess. He seems so happy, it feels as if nothing that happened even existed. I feel so deeply devastated that I was not worthy of a discussion, a sit down, not even a face to face conversation. I pulled and pulled for answers for a year and all I got was a text message saying sorry for all this, I’m just but happy at home anymore. And poof, it’s just regular programming thereafter. Im still left feeling like the rug was just ripped out from under me, but let’s just act like that didn’t happen is how I feel. It’s like Im still trying to wrap my head around it all. Things have been so incredibly difficult with me having to take him to court after wiping the back accounts, not being able to pay rent from the home he left, the upkeep of everything that just fell on me while he ran off with someone else, hard conversations with the landlords, moving, adjusting to to a whole new place, my kids watching me crippled through this entire journey of trying to make sense of it all while trying to operate and figure things out for us as the same time. I mean, the emotional toll this has taken on us all and it’s as if nothing ever happened. He just said nothing. I asked so many times why are you doing this? And I just wouldn’t get a response. I would ask him in person and he would just stare at me blankly and had no words. I tried counseling he would not come with me. Would keep bailing out when he said he would go and just kept canceling. After a year I finally just gave up and let him be. But that’s when the sadness and devastation (that’s still there) just turned to absolute anger and hate for him. I can’t help but feel the way I do and don’t know how to get out of it — as badly as I want to. I hate feeling this way. I get it completely. It’s like drinking poison everyday and expecting the other person to die. No, I’m the one dying inside each and every passing day. Life has 100% gone on. Im just the only one still stuck in the pain and I don’t know how to get out. 
 

 

[Kwothe28]

5 minutes ago, outsiderviews1 said:

It’s a little complicated with the divorce portion. The state that I was living in when I filed the petition allows for spousal, the one I moved into, there is no spousal support. Just alimony that’s granted after the divorce is filed. I know you can simply file a divorce for a low cost fee at the court house, but the alimony and divorce in this state that I’m in (the state I’m from) is intertwined with one another, so I would need an attorney to come up with an “agreement” to present to the court. I just don’t have that kind of money right now. He does. I have nothing at the end of the month after paying bills/rent. He doesn’t even pay rent and still lives with family in a guest room and makes over 100K. It’s mind boggling to me.

So its just about the money and not about happiness?

I am sorry, but my late mom divorced my dad when I was a baby. She couldnt live with his parents and they clashed all the time. So she chose to leave. Got back to her parents and found a job to support me. And that was in the time when divorce wasnt so frequent at all and people stayed just for the sake of family and even suffered abuse in the process. Now when divorce is very normal thing to do? Its unacceptable that somebody stays and endures multiple cheatings just because you are more comfortable with being stay at home mom and are satisfied with him paying for you and kids.

If you hate him that much, divorce him. There is really no point for you and the kids to stay in an environment where parents hate each other. You will just be doing your kids disservice. Also, I am pretty sure lawyers do pro-bono cases like that all the time. Probably wont get you the best lawyer available, but should be OK to argue for a divorce case and alimony.

[outsiderviews1]

42 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

So its just about the money and not about happiness?

I am sorry, but my late mom divorced my dad when I was a baby. She couldnt live with his parents and they clashed all the time. So she chose to leave. Got back to her parents and found a job to support me. And that was in the time when divorce wasnt so frequent at all and people stayed just for the sake of family and even suffered abuse in the process. Now when divorce is very normal thing to do? Its unacceptable that somebody stays and endures multiple cheatings just because you are more comfortable with being stay at home mom and are satisfied with him paying for you and kids.

If you hate him that much, divorce him. There is really no point for you and the kids to stay in an environment where parents hate each other. You will just be doing your kids disservice. Also, I am pretty sure lawyers do pro-bono cases like that all the time. Probably wont get you the best lawyer available, but should be OK to argue for a divorce case and alimony.

I didn’t “stay”. I live in my own apartment with my children. He lives a couple hours away with people. In these past 2.5 years, I’ve moved, furthered my education (to make better money) and work as well. I’m not necessarily a “stay at home” mom that endures cheating for the sake of wanting to keep the marriage. It’s just the logistics for me that make hiring an attorney not feasible for me to legally on paper be divorced so that’s why on my end I feel sort of stuck in that regard and on his end, he does nothing. 
 

My main purpose of this post was trying to receive advice on how to not feel so resentful, bitter and angry by how deeply I was betrayed and felt tossed like garbage. 

 

44 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

So its just about the money and not about happiness?

I am sorry, but my late mom divorced my dad when I was a baby. She couldnt live with his parents and they clashed all the time. So she chose to leave. Got back to her parents and found a job to support me. And that was in the time when divorce wasnt so frequent at all and people stayed just for the sake of family and even suffered abuse in the process. Now when divorce is very normal thing to do? Its unacceptable that somebody stays and endures multiple cheatings just because you are more comfortable with being stay at home mom and are satisfied with him paying for you and kids.

If you hate him that much, divorce him. There is really no point for you and the kids to stay in an environment where parents hate each other. You will just be doing your kids disservice. Also, I am pretty sure lawyers do pro-bono cases like that all the time. Probably wont get you the best lawyer available, but should be OK to argue for a divorce case and alimony.

 

[yogacat]

I'm sorry this happened to you.  I think you need to seek out an attorney and file for divorce.  Then he won't have the choice of ignoring it.

In the meantime keep the door open for communication as far as the kids go. But keep it 100% transactional and about the kids. Nothing else.  

Consult with a lawyer on the exemptions on co-parenting and keeping in touch, like a wedding, funeral, holders, special things like graduations college mates, school related stuff. Maybe have it supervised, like other people/ friends? 

The thing about forgiveness is that it's an individual journey for each person.  It's not something that will be forced. Don't feel obligated in any way to forgive him. But, do keep in mind that the longer we hold onto this anger it begins to poison us.

I would suggest that you find a therapist or someone to talk to about your feelings of anger and betrayal in a safe and confidential setting, so that you can work through your feelings and decide on how to move forward in a way that is healthy for you and your children.

You'll learn that forgiveness is often a gift that we give ourselves in order to move on from the pain, and it has nothing to do with the person who hurt us. It is a process, and it takes time and patience, but it can eventually bring a sense of peace and closure. 

[Seraphim]

I second talking with a therapist. 

[tattoobunnie]

Do free consults with divorce attorneys all over, so when he tries to work with one, there is a conflict of interest.  Your hubs will pay for the attorney fees, which they will build into the settlement.

As far as coparenting - you don't have to be friends to coparent.

[Tinydance]

To be honest they advice I was going to give you was also to "let go". I think letting go or even forgiveness isn't necessarily about saying what the person did was OK. What your husband did wasn't OK at all. But as you said yourself, he's seemingly happy and just went on with his life. You are holding on to a lot of anger and resentment but the only person that's hurting is actually you. 

I also got this sense that though you say you really hate your ex, maybe you still have feelings for him? I mean, it's been three years but he still seems to be on your mind a lot. Understandably you do communicate about the children but it's like he's really taking over your head. First and foremost I think you need to try to move on and reach a point where you just don't think about him. That you don't think anything neither good or bad about him - just nothing. By hating him you are allowing him space in your head. Don't allow him that. 

Yes he was scummy but you know what they say. You can't change the past. You don't need to be his friend but it actually is almost like you're thinking of ways you can show him you hate him. I don't really see the point in that.

You need to divorce him and put him in the past. You do need to treat him just as the other co-parent now. I know it sucks but I'm sorry, at this point it's not your concern who he's dating or what he does in his life. As long as it has no bad effect on your children. Your goal should be just to lose all interest in him. Try to work towards that.

[lostandhurt]

Have you ever heard the saying "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"  You are poisoning yourself with hate.  My question is why?

My wife of 20 years cheated on me so I know what you are going through.  I did just like you are doing and kept everything minimal contact and strictly business with her.  The difference is that I sought closure where you have not.  The hate you carry is like picking at the scab daily never letting it heal until you learn to accept things from your past.

  You need to forgive yourself for tolerating all that crap for 13 years and for taking him back after he cheated.  I am sure if you could go back in time you would do things differently but none of us can do that, all we can do is learn from mistakes we have made and forgive ourselves which in turn gives us closure.  What you have been doing is looking for closure from him by not talking to him and hoping it hurts him.  The man is a selfish narcissist that only cares about himself so do you actually believe he cares at all about the silent treatment?  

As far as the divorce goes your reasoning is flawed.  First of all if he files for divorce or you file for divorce the costs are the same in the west.  Second if you have not received proper legal advice in the county you reside in you have zero idea what is possible for you.  Check for nearby law schools that may offer legal advice and help with possible mediation. You may not have to go to court if he is agreeable to a settlement. Until you empower yourself with true factual information you have no idea what is possible. If you are struggling financially he may be ordered to pay a large portion of your legal costs.  

My last thing is for you to always remember the children.  They absorb everything around them and can feel your hatred for their father.  I am not asking you to forgive him as I never forgave my ex for cheating, I did accept that this is who she is and will always be that type of person and to put it simply I do not choose to have people like that in my life.  Sure I need to interact with people like that from time to time but I give them zero power over me.  In a way my ex did me a huge favor as it opened my eyes to who she really was and that person is now out of my life.

I played the victim for a while but found this forum all those years ago and learned so much with the help of others.

Lost