Anger from ex

[ConfusedDivorcedMom]

I’m so confused and hurt by my ex. We divorced a year ago—he wanted the divorce, and I didn’t.

 

I saw him at the airport during the kids’ visitation exchange, and he was so angry with me. He kept raising his voice, making up bad things about me that aren’t true. It felt like every word out of his mouth was an accusation or criticism about the kids, even though they’re doing just fine. He kept picking at things, trying to find more reasons to put me down, like I’m incapable or worthless.

 

I don’t understand why he’s so angry when he was the one who wanted the divorce. He’s the one who put everything into motion, refused to talk things through, and said he was unhappy with how I was raising the kids. I’m a certified teacher, and during COVID, I taught them preschool and kindergarten, but even that wasn’t good enough in his eyes.

 

Why is he acting like this? Shouldn’t he be happy since he chose this path in life?

[ShySoul]

Did he give any specific reasons for being unhapppy? Was there something he disagreed with you teaching them or doing with them? Does he tend to be angry in general and complain about things? Don't have to answer this but I'll throw out something based on a lot of cases I've read about... are there political differences?

Anger often isn't about the person on the receiving end. It's just as much if not more about the person getting angry. Some people feel miserable with themself, and so they have to make other people miserable. Nothing is ever good enough because they don't feel good enough. They have to take their anger out on everyone else because it is easier then facing their own problems. And you, unfortunately, are the person who is there to take the brunt of his anger. Because you have to interact due to the children, he has something to use against you so that he can feel better about himself.

He isn't important here. The children should be the concern. Raise them the best you can while you have them. Don't see their father unless you have to. If possible, maybe have someone with you to minimize the chance for his hostility. If you ever feel he is damaging the children in any way, consider if it's enough to reevaluate whatever visitation agreement you have. 

Try not to worry about him. He is showing who he is and that is someone not worth your time. Take care of yoursefl and the children.

[ConfusedDivorcedMom]

Once we had kids he found an issue with every single thing I did. At one point I would lock the door so he didn’t walk in when I was chopping vegetables to criticize and put down how I did it. When I was taking care of our kids all day he began picking and finding issues with everything I did with the kids. I ended up feeling like I couldn’t say or do anything right. It took a toll on me. I tried to fix things he had issues with but it was never good enough because he would find another reason I was wrong. 
 

I feel like he made up this story in his head about me and who I am and truly believes it. He didn’t like me teaching the kids. He told me I couldn’t handle money. I didn’t breathe in properly (some crazy thing how you’re supposed to breathe out not inhale🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️). There is no way I can do right on his eyes. If I ever defended myself he would record me and replay it over and over telling me that I need to hear myself because THIS is why. (He was divorcing me). I gave up and once the divorce was over he’s still angry. 

 

[ShySoul]

Yeah. It's not you, it's him. 

Some people will never be pleased. It sounds like you could be a saint and do everthing perfect, and he would still find fault with it. This is something within him causing him to lash out at you. I mean, if you can't even breath correcty in his eyes, probably a sign he's going a little overboard. Whatever the reason, he isn't your concern now. 

Don't take it personally. You don't have to see him much. You are free to do your own thing. He has to live with himself and this anger and hostilitiy inside him all the time. That is eventually going to cause him far more harm emotionally and physically. Consider yourself lucky to not be him or have to constantly be around him. 

Interact as little as you have to for the children. Ignore his outbursts. Do what you feel is best for you and the children. You'll be better off and happier if you just concentrate on the positive people in your life and let the negative people go as much as possible.