Struggling with the fear of being FOREVER ALONE

[JustGiveMeOneMore]

Lately, this fear came upon me again. Strongly, this time.

I'm struggling with the fear of being forever alone. 

I only had one relationship through cold approach (meeting women in public). I'm single for more than 2 years. 

When I meet with women, I guess I give them needy and desperate vibes and therefore, they walk away from me. I generally give these vibes on texting. Because I'm scared that

- What if this doesn't become a relationship,

- What if she changes her mind and we won't meet up,

- Even if the date goes well, what if something happens and she changes her mind again.

- What if making women walk away from me due to my needy texts and thus, staying single is my destiny. 

etc...

Any advice? 

Thanks.

[ShySoul]

Hey buddy.

That's a fear we all have. I personally struggle with it everyday. It's not easy to look in the mirror and wonder why you never get anywhere, why you are alone, or why you have to struggle so much for so little. Think the first thing is to not feel bad or blame yourself. You aren't alone in your feelings. We all have this anxiety to some degree.

Then I would say to just stop thinking.

You are creating a loop. You worry something will go wrong, so you end up being more nervous and create the very thing you feared. Each time it happens, you get more worried. That increases the nervousness and again you create a problem. It's an endless cycle.

I've seen it with many people. I did it myself.

Best thing to do is to stop caring if it works out or not. Don't care if you find someone. Don't care if you get a date. Just do whatever else you enjoy and have fun without all of this dating/relationship stuff. Have fun on your own for a bit. All the pressure you are placing on yourself to find someone and make it work is exactly the thing that is hurting you. It was hurting me. But you can't fully be ready to love and make a relationship work with someone else, until you love yourself and have your own personal relationship in order.

When I stopped trying and feeling I needed someone to be complete, I freed myself of the weights I had placed on myself. I was free to just be happy being me. I gain more confidence. I was lighter and enjoyed life more. And that allowed me to meet someone that could see and appreciate the real me, not the person I thought I had be in order to obtain some goal. That attracted more then one female.

Calm down. Relax. Stop worrying. And have fun in life. Life is short. So just enjoy each day and be in those moments.

[JustGiveMeOneMore]

@ShySoul Firstly, thanks a lot.

Quote

You are creating a loop. You worry something will go wrong, so you end up being more nervous and create the very thing you feared. Each time it happens, you get more worried. That increases the nervousness and again you create a problem. It's an endless cycle.

But when I think positively it generally doesn't have a positive impact on my life. I mean, when I think "I'm gonna get her number" when I approach or "This is gonna end well in date"; it doesn't work like that. However, when I have a single fear or anxiety, it definitely comes true. Any idea why?

Quote

Don't care if you find someone. Don't care if you get a date.

I see but if I didn't try to approach my ex girlfriend, I'd still be a virgin and I wouldn't find her. Any thoughts?

[j41]

I known this feeling very well I've felt it everyday for over fifteen year's. Like you I have had no real dating success while everyone around me has.

It's going to sound stupid but one thing you can try control is your own emotions and how you react. I've genuinely reached the end of that dating road and I think all the things you described but I get through each day trying to focus on other things.

It's not a real solution but it does help me a bit.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're struggling. Do you mean alone because of no romantic partner? That's not alone though is it? Do you have friends and family? We have no guarantees of finding a long term romantic partner.  I like the idea J41 mentioned about choosing how you react to emotions. I am a wife and mom. I have to do that daily as the mom of a teenager and working at a stressful job and a husband who is awesome but annoying at times LOL. I dated on and off for 24 years. Married at age 42. Believe me I get the fear you feel!

[SophiaG]

Flip the script.

- What if this doesn't become a relationship,

Good - that means this woman is not a good match for you and you will avoid a relationship of misery and remain available to meet the next girl who can be your Miss Right.

- What if she changes her mind and we won't meet up,

Great - she's flaky and you would learn it early instead of wasting time/money on meeting her.

- Even if the date goes well, what if something happens and she changes her mind again.

No biggie - now you know you can perform well on a date and attract women even if this one is not a good match. Next!

- What if making women walk away from me due to my needy texts and thus, staying single is my destiny. 

Nice! How convenient if you can tell texting styles is the reason you are still single because that's something you can easily change, right?

[ShySoul]

On 1/7/2025 at 12:03 AM, JustGiveMeOneMore said:

But when I think positively it generally doesn't have a positive impact on my life. I mean, when I think "I'm gonna get her number" when I approach or "This is gonna end well in date"; it doesn't work like that. However, when I have a single fear or anxiety, it definitely comes true. Any idea why?

You are thinking positive about things you can't control. If you get a number or date isn't up to you, it's up to her. So whatever you think doesn't really change that. I can think I'm going to win the lotto. Doesn't change the numbers that come up.

Yet when you think about the fears, they are something within you. You start to get fixated on them. More you think about them, more they are constantly in your mind and more it impacts your actions. Negative reinforcement is a damaging thing. I spent years saying no one would love me and that just made sure no one could love. But when I said I could find someone, I opened myself up to it. It wasn't overnight and it wasn't with the first person that came along. But it happened.

On 1/7/2025 at 12:03 AM, JustGiveMeOneMore said:

I see but if I didn't try to approach my ex girlfriend, I'd still be a virgin and I wouldn't find her. Any thoughts?

What were the circumstances? How did you meet? 

People meet each other in all kinds of ways. It doesn't always have to be about approaching someone and looking for a date or relationship. There's nothing wrong with it. But there is a point where the anxiety it is causing you can be more harmful then good. You are so anxious and nervous about needing to do this, that it is messing with your head. It's causing you to question every little thing and feel bad about yourself. I've been there and it's not a healthy way to live. I'm not saying give up or never approach anyone. I'm just saying to calm down a bit. Take a break from it and start to feel happier about yourself, on your own.

I met multiple women randomly online on boards and in chatrooms. We didn't approach each other or look for a possible relationship, we just met naturally and started talking. Brother met his wife randomly playing a game online. Other brother met a wife randomly through friends while he was in a rehab center. Friend met her husband through friends when they went through school. None of them were looking for someone or felt the need to approach the person. They met naturally, got along, and things went from there.

Think you'd be best to take a break and focus on you. If you do meet someone who you can talk to and get along with and find feelings starting to happen, then take the initiative and ask further. But try to take some of the pressure off you. It's okay to not date or have a relationship. 

And why would it matter if you're a virgin or not? Doesn't change the person you are.

[ShySoul]

On 1/7/2025 at 1:53 AM, j41 said:

I get through each day trying to focus on other things.

It's not a real solution but it does help me a bit.

That's not just a real solution, it's a great solution.

It's like when you are stuck on a problem and can't find an answer. So you take time away to clear your head. Then you come back to it fresh and can find the answer in minutes, or write up the report in a snap. Stepping away gives the brain time to refocus. Thinking of other things for a bit can be a big help.

Hope you can also find what you are looking for.

[smackie9]

I guess the more you worry the more desperate you become the more they feel you being needy...such a vicious cycle. You know the problem, so just be more mindful/aware when it happens. Slow your roll, do a moment when you do a slow breath and count to 10 to refocus. Have you tried meditation to clear your head, relax? Might be worth a try...take time out for some self care. 

[TeeDee]

You have to have more confidence in yourself.  Reframe the issue to remind yourself that you are a good person & a quality partner.  Think about what this other person is doing to be worthy of you.  

[ShySoul]

@JustGiveMeOneMore Just checking to make sure you are okay. You know my inbox is always open. Or give us an update. We're thinking of you and hoping for the best for you.

[JustGiveMeOneMore]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

@JustGiveMeOneMore Just checking to make sure you are okay. You know my inbox is always open. Or give us an update. We're thinking of you and hoping for the best for you.

Hey! Thanks so much. I wasn't  expecting a person that I've met online to be this sincere and caring. 

And yes, I'm trying to be ok. I'm still alive. Haha. I was reading the comments here once in a while.

 

[JustGiveMeOneMore]

And MANY MANY THANKS to all people who commented here. 

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, JustGiveMeOneMore said:

Hey! Thanks so much. I wasn't  expecting a person that I've met online to be this sincere and caring. 

And yes, I'm trying to be ok. I'm still alive. Haha. I was reading the comments here once in a while.

Been where you're at. Surprised me too when somone online (on this site actually) really helped me through.

Don't be a stranger. Keep pushing ahead and you'll be fine. Take care.

[catfeeder]

On 1/7/2025 at 10:47 AM, SophiaG said:

Flip the script.

- What if this doesn't become a relationship,

Good - that means this woman is not a good match for you and you will avoid a relationship of misery and remain available to meet the next girl who can be your Miss Right.

- What if she changes her mind and we won't meet up,

Great - she's flaky and you would learn it early instead of wasting time/money on meeting her.

- Even if the date goes well, what if something happens and she changes her mind again.

No biggie - now you know you can perform well on a date and attract women even if this one is not a good match. Next!

- What if making women walk away from me due to my needy texts and thus, staying single is my destiny. 

Nice! How convenient if you can tell texting styles is the reason you are still single because that's something you can easily change, right?

Sophie is demonstrating a technique that has always helped me with my 'what-iff-ing'. Don't just ask the question, ANSWER it in a way that not only benefits you but minimizes 'the problem'.

Also, I'm not sure why you believe that public hitting-up-women is the only way to meet women. To me, that only tests how well you can do cold approaches, which is not exactly a high 'conversion rate' for anybody. You can position yourself far better by involving yourself in interests, clubs, meetup.org groups, online apps--places where people deliberately get to know one another. 

Head high, and consider that being alone is not a problem, but a FEAR of being alone can become a huge problem.

[Andrina]

We do have control over our thoughts. I suggest not projecting to the future and being very much in the present. There was a dating program from the past called, "It's Just Lunch." That's the mindset you should have. Instead of looking at a pretty woman sitting at the table from you and having a reel in your head wondering if she seems into you and will accept another date and someday agree to be your gf, your goal should just be to enjoy one hour with a woman and to have an interesting conversation, asking her non-intrusive questions like: Do you have any pets? What do you like about your job? What kind of music do you like?

And then you share a bit about your life on safe topics. Keeping the banter light and fun.

If things go well, either you or she will ask for another meet and keep the mindset, once again, in the present.

In the meantime, make sure you have, or are building, a fulfilling life besides dating. It's a big attractor for most people when a new love interest has hobbies/interests/friendship groups they can eventually share to expand their world. When you have a fulfilling life besides dating, you will also not feel so needy about dating situations, and will handle breakups better.

Ideally, it's good to gradually get to know women through a shared activity, like dancing lessons, cooking lessons, Meetup.com activity groups for singles in your age group, etc. It's less stressful than OLD, and you don't have to feel pressured into asking someone out so quickly. Over time, you can become friendly with a woman and experience more gradual interactions, seeing if you're compatible and share chemistry.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[JustGiveMeOneMore]

10 hours ago, Andrina said:

We do have control over our thoughts. I suggest not projecting to the future and being very much in the present. There was a dating program from the past called, "It's Just Lunch." That's the mindset you should have. Instead of looking at a pretty woman sitting at the table from you and having a reel in your head wondering if she seems into you and will accept another date and someday agree to be your gf, your goal should just be to enjoy one hour with a woman and to have an interesting conversation, asking her non-intrusive questions like: Do you have any pets? What do you like about your job? What kind of music do you like?

And then you share a bit about your life on safe topics. Keeping the banter light and fun.

If things go well, either you or she will ask for another meet and keep the mindset, once again, in the present.

In the meantime, make sure you have, or are building, a fulfilling life besides dating. It's a big attractor for most people when a new love interest has hobbies/interests/friendship groups they can eventually share to expand their world. When you have a fulfilling life besides dating, you will also not feel so needy about dating situations, and will handle breakups better.

Ideally, it's good to gradually get to know women through a shared activity, like dancing lessons, cooking lessons, Meetup.com activity groups for singles in your age group, etc. It's less stressful than OLD, and you don't have to feel pressured into asking someone out so quickly. Over time, you can become friendly with a woman and experience more gradual interactions, seeing if you're compatible and share chemistry.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Thanks for your reply. One question: Some guys I have known and seen do the exact opposite thing. They try to 'escalate', kiss her and touch her on the dates, etc. And this works for some guys and doesn't work for some as well. How is this possible? Does this mean that those guys whom these strategies work for are good looking and the others aren't? Because there's a redpill/bluepill alike group that believes that looks are the most important thing.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, JustGiveMeOneMore said:

Thanks for your reply. One question: Some guys I have known and seen do the exact opposite thing. They try to 'escalate', kiss her and touch her on the dates, etc. And this works for some guys and doesn't work for some as well. How is this possible? Does this mean that those guys whom these strategies work for are good looking and the others aren't? Because there's a redpill/bluepill alike group that believes that looks are the most important thing.

You are not dating a group. You're looking to date an individual person.  So going down the path of "works" presumes that all women are the same or similar.  Escalating works with certain people at certain times when it's natural and the vibe is there. Watch the movie Grease when he takes her to the movies and slowly tries to touch her -it doesn't work with Olivia Newton John lol.  And that's the handsome John Travolta lol.

My husband made a decision before we had our second first kiss (when we got back together). He'd bought me a gorgeous necklace for my birthday and I wanted to wear it to dinner.  So he helped me with the clasp. We hadn't really kissed yet.  There he was close enough of course to do so.  He didn't. Our first kiss was hours later after dinner.

When I asked him later why he hadn't he said he didn't think it was right to do that then since it would like opportunistic -I asked him for help with the clasp and it would have seemed like he was taking advantage. I didn't see that as some strategy but more so he stopped, paused and thought - no I don't want our first kiss to happen this way.  

I did like at times men who proceeded by sort of testing the waters appropriately because that way it's not a full on ok I'm going in for a makeout session.  It became more natural and mutual and showed thought. Impulsivity though can be really fun too! Nothing whatsoever to do with looks. A lot to do with individual vibes/energy/clicking/chemistry/context.

[SophiaG]

7 hours ago, JustGiveMeOneMore said:

Thanks for your reply. One question: Some guys I have known and seen do the exact opposite thing. They try to 'escalate', kiss her and touch her on the dates, etc. And this works for some guys and doesn't work for some as well. How is this possible? Does this mean that those guys whom these strategies work for are good looking and the others aren't? Because there's a redpill/bluepill alike group that believes that looks are the most important thing.

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You are not dating a group. You're looking to date an individual person.

I was going to suggest the same but @Batya33 beat me to it - I think it depends more on the woman involved than the guys' looks or how they do it etc. For me even if I find a guy attractive I'd be offended and turned off if they try to "escalate" without asking on a first date. Whereas there are plenty of women - I think many on this forum - who'd never want a guy to ask first before kissing them. If your goal is to try and kiss/touch as many women as possible on dates, maybe group statistics can help. If you want to actually connect with one woman and build a relationship with her, just get to know her as an individual and stay away from the redpill/bluepill bs.

[Andrina]

You have to read the signals of another person, and if you can't decipher the vibe, it's always better to play it safe. When things are going well, instead of trying for a kiss first, I always think it's better to hold our your hand first and see if she's liking you enough to do that. I've said this before on the forum, that when I dated, I thought it endearing if a guy pushed back strands of my hair on my temple which I thought endearing. When I didn't pull back or move away nor anything else negative, he rightly assumed it was okay to take the next step of kissing. I thought this was intelligent on the guy's part, to see if I welcomed, or not,  a more innocent move that involved touching.

[ShySoul]

On 1/11/2025 at 11:49 PM, JustGiveMeOneMore said:

Thanks for your reply. One question: Some guys I have known and seen do the exact opposite thing. They try to 'escalate', kiss her and touch her on the dates, etc. And this works for some guys and doesn't work for some as well. How is this possible? Does this mean that those guys whom these strategies work for are good looking and the others aren't? Because there's a redpill/bluepill alike group that believes that looks are the most important thing.

Men are not a monolithic block. Neither are women. What works for one couple, isn't the right thing for other couples.

You shouldn't form generalizations. You shouldn't care what any group of people think, or what any one person thinks. The only people that matter are the people involved in that particular interaction.

You should always go at the pace that you are comfortable with. Don't do something because you think others would or because you think you are supposed to. Do what feels right for you and what comes naturally to you.

And always be sure to treat her with respect and make sure that she also wants whatever it is that you want. 

Really, it's not something you plan. It's something you feel and know in the moment.