It's hard for me to make friends and date.

[itsallgrand]

Take this as you may but I do think it's possible some of your experiences are due to the people around you and/or the people you've been surrounding yourself with. Getting hit on plenty as a young woman is normal but every person even all your friends? That's a little out there, and could have to do with what you said about almost all your friends being heavy into casual sex and hook up culture. It's a different mindset that people bring than say, people looking for something more substantial in their interactions with others. Im not saying you cant find a good friend who is into that but shifting over to focusing more on finding and learning to trust friends who have more similar values to you - getting to know someone before any real intimacy physical or otherwise - might help you see that there are a lot more people who you could relate with than you are feeling right now. The problem I see if you stay in your current circle is that you might start building walls and pushing/testing people. Which would feed back into this experience of everyone is ultimately going to be after sex as an end goal. 

I won't pretend to understand a more asexual orientation, I was/am the opposite and had to teach myself to stop and think because I get so strongly attracted when I like someone. I had strongly religious friends and wilder friends as a young person - saw many married at 18, others who made some choices with having sex very casually, and in between. I waited until I was in love - was bucking those around me who either had sex out of obligation (sounds crazy but people do) or as a rebellion to the strict controls put on them. 

Get to know this guy you like because that's what it is about at the end of the day. If it doesn't pan out, you tried, and that's what dating is about. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bat, respectfully she did. In her original post. 

Ace is short for asexual.

LOL obviously there is no way I would know that. Yes OP I know of people who are asexual including one of my best friends.  So yes if you determine  you are asexual that will limit your dating pool.

[00doom_atyourservice]

6 hours ago, mylolita said:

Good evening OP! 
 

I haven’t read the full thread replies, but I hope I get the gist of things right. 
 

My only advice to you would be - maybe try not dating until you’re quite sure there could be a real connection?

 

That might sound impossible but it means friendships or getting to know the person first before agreeing to go on dates? This could take the pressure off you a little and also give you time without a formal nervous date setting, to decide whether a connection and attraction is building? 
 

Also, I would say I’m quite like yourself as well when it comes to attraction. It takes a hell of a lot. 
 

How I dealt with this myself was, I had no boyfriends throughout my whole school and college years. I just never agreed to go on dates. There wasn’t anything there… no shooting stars, nothing. That meant I never kissed anyone either. No sex. I was a virgin. I thought, I’m only going to date if I think “this could be it” and it felt beyond special to me. 

It just so happened when I was 18 I met my now husband. I slept with him quite slow into the game, we’d been together and boyfriend and girlfriend for a few months. I gave up my virginity for him because I was sure it was love and we would get married. I’m not religious by the way but I am bisexual as well. 
 

It was simply an alternative (and seemingly serious) route I took to finding a relationship. Hook up culture also does nothing for me and if I were ever single again for any reason, I know deep in myself I wouldn’t be going down that route. 
 

I view kissing, hand holding - all of that - as extremely special and needing, for me anyway, to have a very deep connection to happen. 
 

I did go through a naughty stage with my husband where we went to private members parties and I explored my bisexual side but, few dalliances later and I kind of got it out of my system. 
 

You’re not alone, strange, or weird. I would personally adapt your dating style to suit your needs and don’t let what’s popular or how other people push or demand things from you - affect you or your decisions. 
 

I’m sorry to hear about your stalking situation. That is sinister and never okay. I hope that was resolved. 

You need an intense connection for attraction so maybe you need a little bit of an intense method to your dating! 
 

All the best, 

 

x

Thanks for sharing! You pretty much hit the nail on the head for me and we have a lot in common. You just got a bit more lucky finding your person early on. I've never been in a relationship and I'm still a virgin at 26. It's not for religious reasons either as you said. I've never really dated, though. I've only been on a few dates and most of them were dates in the eyes of the other person and not me, so I'm definitely not out trying to get someone and dating like crazy because I'm lonely. So I really can't avoid dating more than I am now lol. But you are right. I need an intense connection. It's just that others seem to not let me get there first. I'm sure it will happen one day. Thank you for your words and I wish you a long and happy marriage. 

[00doom_atyourservice]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@00doom_atyourservicefirst off, just wanted to say I relate to a lot of what you've posted; it's not my thread so won't get into it, but I do understand it.

Secondly with respect to above quoted, if you could clarify when you say you "don't find anyone attractive unless," do you mean you cannot become "attracted to" them unless you feel a strong connection?

Speaking for myself, I can find someone asethecally good looking/attractive to look at however that does not necessarily mean I am "attracted to" them. 

Some people are confused by that, imo because they don't share the same view which is fine. 

Anyway...

Attraction for me runs deeper, and involves so many other things besides physical appearance, asethecally appealing, including like you feeling a certain connection, and it's very very rare when it happens.

Anyway, keep posting!  This is a rare but important topic imo. 💛

 

 

Thank you for your understanding. I mean pretty much what you are describing. I will never participate in hookups, any flings or casual sex because I don't find people physically "hot" or attractive in the way most people do when pursuing partners. I will never truly be attracted to someone's appearance and want to do anything with them. In fact, the thought of sex with just anyone or even someone who isn't an ultimate connection, is repulsive. I do notice aesthetically appealing things and recognize things as being conventionally attractive, but it is not something I would ever want to pursue/ have sex and date someone for. For me, attraction can develop through very strong connections because it is now their mind that becomes beautiful, "soul," if one believes in that, and eventually their body only because it is that one person. This is why if people ask for a label, I more identify with demisexual, because a level of sexual attraction can develop and I will no longer be repulsed. 

I recognize that this is very hard to understand for people on the outside who don't feel an inkling of the same way. It doesn't stop it from being disappointing though when people are dismissive or act like "everyone feels that way to some level" or act as though It is a condition that should be corrected through therapy or something along those lines.

Thanks again!

[yogacat]

6 minutes ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

Thank you for your understanding. I mean pretty much what you are describing. I will never participate in hookups, any flings or casual sex because I don't find people physically "hot" or attractive in the way most people do when pursuing partners. I will never truly be attracted to someone's appearance and want to do anything with them. In fact, the thought of sex with just anyone or even someone who isn't an ultimate connection, is repulsive. I do notice aesthetically appealing things and recognize things as being conventionally attractive, but it is not something I would ever want to pursue/ have sex and date someone for. For me, attraction can develop through very strong connections because it is now their mind that becomes beautiful, "soul," if one believes in that, and eventually their body only because it is that one person. This is why if people ask for a label, I more identify with demisexual, because a level of sexual attraction can develop and I will no longer be repulsed. 

I recognize that this is very hard to understand for people on the outside who don't feel an inkling of the same way. It doesn't stop it from being disappointing though when people are dismissive or act like "everyone feels that way to some level" or act as though It is a condition that should be corrected through therapy or something along those lines.

Thanks again!

I understand you too. I just made a thread about how I rarely feel sexual/physical attraction to men that I date. Maybe it might help you:

 

 

[00doom_atyourservice]

3 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Take this as you may but I do think it's possible some of your experiences are due to the people around you and/or the people you've been surrounding yourself with. Getting hit on plenty as a young woman is normal but every person even all your friends? That's a little out there, and could have to do with what you said about almost all your friends being heavy into casual sex and hook up culture. It's a different mindset that people bring than say, people looking for something more substantial in their interactions with others. Im not saying you cant find a good friend who is into that but shifting over to focusing more on finding and learning to trust friends who have more similar values to you - getting to know someone before any real intimacy physical or otherwise - might help you see that there are a lot more people who you could relate with than you are feeling right now. The problem I see if you stay in your current circle is that you might start building walls and pushing/testing people. Which would feed back into this experience of everyone is ultimately going to be after sex as an end goal. 

I won't pretend to understand a more asexual orientation, I was/am the opposite and had to teach myself to stop and think because I get so strongly attracted when I like someone. I had strongly religious friends and wilder friends as a young person - saw many married at 18, others who made some choices with having sex very casually, and in between. I waited until I was in love - was bucking those around me who either had sex out of obligation (sounds crazy but people do) or as a rebellion to the strict controls put on them. 

Get to know this guy you like because that's what it is about at the end of the day. If it doesn't pan out, you tried, and that's what dating is about. 

Yes, I touched on this in another thread to someone. I'm not sure if it's circumstance, pure coincidence, who I attract or what that brings certain people to my life. Maybe all of the above. Some people have said "it's normal, stop complaining. It's good to be hit on," and some say, "Wow that's not normal," so it's hard to know which side it truly is.

I am no longer friends with most of the people that have tried to pursue me. Either due to them not being able to stay friends, or me cutting it off because I didn't feel comfortable. I also have never indulged anyone wanting to have casual sex with me, so I don't have any trauma or ill thoughts with sex itself because of bad experience. It's just that each new environment I enter, there are new people pursuing me loool.

 I will definitely take things slow and go with the flow with him and whoever else that is friendly to me. It's a refreshing change. I guess I just didn't know how to go about it at first, since it's not something that I'm used to. Thank you for your words and understanding.

[00doom_atyourservice]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I understand you too. I just made a thread about how I rarely feel sexual/physical attraction to men that I date. Maybe it might help you:

Thank you for your words earlier and I will definitely look into that thread!

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

LOL obviously there is no way I would know that. 

Tbh I didn't know what 'ace' meant either so googled its definition, it took literally two seconds.

I've done that with many words I don't know the meaning of especially before responding to be sure I respond with accuracy. 

It's absolutely amazing how much my vocabulary has increased since being a member here and I'm serious!  Lol 😂

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Tbh I didn't know what 'ace' meant either so googled its definition, it took literally two seconds.

I've done that with many words I don't know the meaning of especially before rresponding to be sure I respond with accuracy. 

It's absolutely amazing how much my vocabulary has increased since being a member here and I'm serious!  Lol 😂

I don’t google words like that. It’s a catchphrase and I already know what ace means. I believe in this case I’m entitled to assume and if someone wants to use some slang or new made up catchphrase it’s in them to explain. I’m not interested in increasing my knowledge of those sorts of terms. I love increasing my vocabulary when it comes to real words. Not a slang or trendy acronym or shorthand unless I have to as part of a job or volunteer work etc. The op didn’t use the accurate term asexual. When I first heard asexual years ago I knew what it meant since I know atypical and the like. That use of “a”.
 

It would be like me assuming someone should know an ethnic or cultural term known in my background but not common knowledge.  I wouldn’t and nor would I think it expands someone vocabulary to learn my cultures specific catchphrases.same with particular vernacular in my industry that wouldn’t be used in daily language with any frequency. And those aren’t slang versions or shorthand.
 

I’m glad you enjoy expanding your vocabulary in this way. Totally cool. I like also that on this forum netspeak isn’t allowed for the same reasons I shouldn’t have to look up the word “ace” for an alternate meaning that is not a traditional alternative meaning. We all like to expand the information we know  in different ways. I’m learning every day in so many ways. I have no interest in keeping up with these sorts of catchphrases. If a person wants input that person should explain those sorts of terms not expect people to know or Google. JMHO

[Batya33]

55 minutes ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

Yes, I touched on this in another thread to someone. I'm not sure if it's circumstance, pure coincidence, who I attract or what that brings certain people to my life. Maybe all of the above. Some people have said "it's normal, stop complaining. It's good to be hit on," and some say, "Wow that's not normal," so it's hard to know which side it truly is.

I am no longer friends with most of the people that have tried to pursue me. Either due to them not being able to stay friends, or me cutting it off because I didn't feel comfortable. I also have never indulged anyone wanting to have casual sex with me, so I don't have any trauma or ill thoughts with sex itself because of bad experience. It's just that each new environment I enter, there are new people pursuing me loool.

 I will definitely take things slow and go with the flow with him and whoever else that is friendly to me. It's a refreshing change. I guess I just didn't know how to go about it at first, since it's not something that I'm used to. Thank you for your words and understanding.

It doesn’t hurt to try to expand your horizons and meet new people preferably through interesting and or fun activities. My sense is people who meet in that environment are focused on the shared activity not on finding people to hook up wit or hit on. Even a new activity like learning to dance or I don’t know a hiking club or fitness class or photography.  

[00doom_atyourservice]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It doesn’t hurt to try to expand your horizons and meet new people preferably through interesting and or fun activities. My sense is people who meet in that environment are focused on the shared activity not on finding people to hook up wit or hit on. Even a new activity like learning to dance or I don’t know a hiking club or fitness class or photography.  

Please refrain from further commenting on my posts. Our views do not align and instead of accepting that, you've preached ignorance, made it my fault, and critiqued me in non-constructive ways multiple times. I've wished you a nice day now please have it.

[00doom_atyourservice]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Tbh I didn't know what 'ace' meant either so googled its definition, it took literally two seconds.

I've done that with many words I don't know the meaning of especially before responding to be sure I respond with accuracy. 

It's absolutely amazing how much my vocabulary has increased since being a member here and I'm serious!  Lol 😂

It's totally okay not to know! I did mention in other threads, even with that person, that I may also be demisexual and described my feelings towards sexual things and attraction, so I figured others would know even if I didn't label it, how I felt and connect the dots. But I do forget sometimes that asexual is something that is still not heavily understood. Even if someone doesn't know, I would think they would ask questions or just not answer, instead of dismissing and belittling me 😓

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

Please refrain from further commenting on my posts. Our views do not align and instead of accepting that, you've preached ignorance, made it my fault, and critiqued me in non-constructive ways multiple times. I've wished you a nice day now please have it.

I’m sorry I offended you. Take care and all the best with however you decide to proceed - or not - in the situation you described. As I wrote one of my dear friends is asexual and as I wrote to you if you are as you write you believe you may be  i didnt know know as I’ve never heard asexual referred to as “ace” and have known the term asexual for years. I did want to clear that up. My dear friend is very open about and comfortable with being asexual. I’m delighted for her she’s found herself in this way. But until your post I never heard it referred to as “ace”. She never has. I did want to clear that up for sure. Separately I’m sorry I offended you and as above wish you the best. I gave you the input in my last suggestion to you to which you responded as I thought it would help and it offends you so clearly I have no reason to give more input. Take care. 

[mylolita]

18 hours ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

Thanks for sharing! You pretty much hit the nail on the head for me and we have a lot in common. You just got a bit more lucky finding your person early on. I've never been in a relationship and I'm still a virgin at 26. It's not for religious reasons either as you said. I've never really dated, though. I've only been on a few dates and most of them were dates in the eyes of the other person and not me, so I'm definitely not out trying to get someone and dating like crazy because I'm lonely. So I really can't avoid dating more than I am now lol. But you are right. I need an intense connection. It's just that others seem to not let me get there first. I'm sure it will happen one day. Thank you for your words and I wish you a long and happy marriage. 

Thank you OP!

 

There is nothing wrong with you - you’re just not one for short flings or casual dating, it’s not a bad thing at all. 
 

I think only decide to date someone if you think deep potential is there, and as you have done cut it off quick if you simply know it’s not going to work to save the other person getting their hopes up. 
 

Maybe people presume if you’re a beautiful woman you should be really sexed up and into everything straight away - looks can be deceiving. 
 

I often label myself “traditional” or a “true romantic” because it’s the closest way I can describe how I move about in the world of relationships and feelings. I also take my friendships ultra seriously as well, as I think you also might OP - I need a very deep connection and level of trust and comfort to class someone as a friend, so this has rarely happened in my lifetime. I am guessing you might feel a similar way. 
 

In my opinion, you save yourself a lot of damage, complication and potential situations by not jumping from guy to guy. 
 

I think you’ll know when you meet the right person. You just need it to be the right match - that might take longer or it might happen tomorrow, but the right person for you will understand and love the way you operate.

 

Don’t change, walk your own path. 
 

x

[mylolita]

Also OP, 

 

Just to add as a thought - if the guy you’re talking too makes you feel comfortable and it feels nice and easy, I don’t see a reason to stop? Unless you don’t want to lead him on, but he sounds as if he isn’t just thinking that way? Or is being very respectful. 
 

I also want to say something that is meant to hopefully add some solidarity - in my late teen years, by rejecting men and women and never going there with any of them, I did honestly also start to think I was asexual. I had never met anyone who shook my world. And I even joked to friends I’d save up for a little vintage car and try rent a dilapidated cottage and write, single forever and at peace with it. 
 

But honestly OP, my whole world turned on its head when I met my husband and I was struck by lightening that night! There was absolutely NO mistaking it. And it also instantly lead to a now life long and continuous sexual awakening I never knew or thought I was able to experience. So please, there is nothing wrong with being asexual - we’re wired how we’re wired - but it could also be, you just haven’t met that person for you yet. You’re still young! 
 

x

[00doom_atyourservice]

5 hours ago, mylolita said:

Also OP, 

 

Just to add as a thought - if the guy you’re talking too makes you feel comfortable and it feels nice and easy, I don’t see a reason to stop? Unless you don’t want to lead him on, but he sounds as if he isn’t just thinking that way? Or is being very respectful. 
 

I also want to say something that is meant to hopefully add some solidarity - in my late teen years, by rejecting men and women and never going there with any of them, I did honestly also start to think I was asexual. I had never met anyone who shook my world. And I even joked to friends I’d save up for a little vintage car and try rent a dilapidated cottage and write, single forever and at peace with it. 
 

But honestly OP, my whole world turned on its head when I met my husband and I was struck by lightening that night! There was absolutely NO mistaking it. And it also instantly lead to a now life long and continuous sexual awakening I never knew or thought I was able to experience. So please, there is nothing wrong with being asexual - we’re wired how we’re wired - but it could also be, you just haven’t met that person for you yet. You’re still young! 
 

x

Thank you for your messages. I agree with that. The label that some people use of "demisexual" refers to only having attraction with that one person that you really click with on all levels, including emotionally, which can lead to sexual attraction. I'm definitely a "find the right one" type and "true romantic." But surprisingly these set of  things we are describing are part of the asexuality branch. It doesn't necessarily mean that we are completely sex repulsed and never want to have it. I don't usually walk around stating to people that I am asexual because I don't feel the need for a boxed label, but some people who know the term often guess or ask if I am and I will then say that I might be somewhere on that spectrum. Sometimes the label is more for other people than myself because it can be easier to say that rather than deep dive into all the nuances and ins and outs of my attraction and sexuality lol.  As I get older, I can't help but wonder in a passing thought that I will never meet the right person and that I am meant to be alone. Which is a common thought, of course, but for different reasons that some people probably have. You talking about your husband does give me hope though.