It's hard for me to make friends and date.

[00doom_atyourservice]

I'm am adult, 26f, so It's not as often crushes occur. I also think I'm ace or demisexual, as I don't find anyone attractive unless I have a very very strong connection. As a result, I've never dated. I just don't feel the need. Through high school and into adulthood, I've always had a lot of people crush on me and hit on me. Every single male friend, even most female friends would come out to me as bi or lesbian in which they had a crush on me, even if it was only short lived. This isn't because I'm super attractive, i think mostly because I was an alternative looking, manic pixie, unobtainable looking girl I guess that seemed to be more of a fantasy rather than real pursuit. I've never really dated by choice. I don't like that people fall so quickly and don't allow a friendship and emotional connection to brew. And they don't want to wait for me. I've always been upfront about my lack of attraction or the potential growth of it with the right person.

 

 This feeling of being hit on has been a slight burden, as i feel like I can never have any true friendships and on the other hand in relationships, people never seem to want to connect with me on a deeper level to where that attraction will grow, only this fantasy image they have is what they like and doesn't last. Many people have also been extremely emotionally immature if I let them know I am not deeply in love with them at first sight and need time--resulting in threats to me, threats of self harm, and more. 

 

 Fast forward to now, there is a coworker who is super friendly to me and I am unsure if he is another person crushing on me like the others. I'm kind of wary of everyone now as a resort of the past. He may not even have a crush at all, but I would love to give some scenarios and have helpful insight if true. Because I seem to actually have a slight bit of interest in the potentiality of him and I if the chance arose.

 

First off, he is very outgoing, has a lot of friends and talks to everyone, so I didn't think anything of it at first. We started working more often and getting scheduled together, so we naturally became a bit closer. 

 

We went out to eat, him, I and another coworker a few times, different coworker/friend, but always him and I every time. He seems to check in with me first and make me aware of the plans or if I have a day off, before the other person is coming or even invited. 

 

He often talks to me while I'm working and will slack off or even abandon his post and have to be called over because he gets caught up in the conversation. Again, he's friendly so I thought that he just likes to talk. But apparently he does not talk to my other coworkers on that level. It's never flirty though. It's usually about random things that happened at work, movies, music, personal stuff, etc. But I don't think either of us are the flirty type anyway. 

 

He started texting me more often out of work. We text almost every day for hours about random things. On his days off, on my days off, late at night. He texts everyone a lot but as far as I've seen, not to any of the other coworkers that much at all. Only me.

 

We've started talking about more personal things like ex's, dating habits, world views. The talks get very heated and passionate because we agree 100% on most things, which are often not a typical beliefs to those around us. 

 

Our coworkers make jokes about him being "my boyfriend." Idc about rumors and jokes, only if the other person feels uncomfortable, so I tried to get them to stop for his sake. But It boiled over though to them finally teasing him about me being "his girlfriend." He was super surprised. he said he did try to avoid rumors by making those dinners with a 3rd person, he does shun workplace relationships, but he didn't get awkward and everything seems fine. It's refreshing that someone isn't trying to make moves on me but I also am having trouble discerning if there is only a platonic route or if there is a romantic route potential as well.

 

All in all, I have trouble making friends and have been hit on too many times to not be wary. In this one case, I would not mind the crush, but do not think it is there. What do you all think? 

[ShySoul]

Hi. As a male who thinks of himself as demiromantic/soulsexual, I appeciate your views in these areas. I've also had rare crushes/attractions and have never dated. I've not really been hit on, but I also have a hard time making friends or feeling like there is an emotional connection. And I'm sorry so many have acted immaturely in their responses to you.

You're confused because this time the roles are reversed. You are the one with the clear interest. You are used to everyone falling for you and you not feeling it. This time would be putting yourself out there to see how he feels. It's scary. It's unsure. You're nature seems to be to question everything and sort things out. So you are trying to read into his actions to see if you should pursue it.

I think there is a chance either way. You have enough in common that there could be something and he clealy likes being around you. But he also said he wasn't into workplace romances. So it could go either way.

The only way to know for sure is to ask. Feelings like this don't come along often for you. If you feel it, it is worth taking a chance. I have been in position to say something to a person I was interested in, and froze. I still regret it. Even if the answer was no, I would still have known I tried. Now I will never know. 

You can try to read into his words and actions. You can analyze all you want. But if you feel something for him, you owe it to yourself to express that. You can make it a simple conversation, no pressure. You can take things as slow as you want, should he be interested. And if he isn't, then you can continue to be friends. You both sound like the kind of people who would be willing to do that.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

[smackie9]

 It sounds more to me you have anxiety, which distorts perception, causes avoidance, awkwardness, and worry about what others think. This young man may or may not be interested.....as life goes, things just play out and that there are things that are beyond our control. If he has lots of friends, I would say he's just being a social butterfly at work...probably would rather talk/ interact rather than do his job. Socializing is a big part of who he is. The way I gauged things growing up was, an interested guy would ask me out. And if I was interested I would show my interest in him with flirting or whatever. And that's it. Keeping it simple. Now if you feel you struggle way too much, feel you are asexual, etc...I suggest maybe try getting diagnosed to put your mind at ease and know what you are working with...and then learn some coping skills from a therapist to help you navigate your social/dating life/find that special someone that you can connect with. I will tell you this, you have to sort your way through the rubbish to find love. It's totally normal, and everyone goes though it...dating sucks when you care about finding someone. But in the end it's all worth it. I hope you can find your way, and maybe not him but someone. Just have to maybe be more communicative with them about it even tho that's not something you would do, clear the air, ask them out maybe? Try newer bolder ways to interact, be out of your comfort zone. Just have to change the way you think, see things...try a new perspective/POV. When I am faced with challenges, I try to get myself excited about it rather than dread it. Then kick back and see where it goes. 

[00doom_atyourservice]

20 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Hi. As a male who thinks of himself as demiromantic/soulsexual, I appeciate your views in these areas. I've also had rare crushes/attractions and have never dated. I've not really been hit on, but I also have a hard time making friends or feeling like there is an emotional connection. And I'm sorry so many have acted immaturely in their responses to you.

You're confused because this time the roles are reversed. You are the one with the clear interest. You are used to everyone falling for you and you not feeling it. This time would be putting yourself out there to see how he feels. It's scary. It's unsure. You're nature seems to be to question everything and sort things out. So you are trying to read into his actions to see if you should pursue it.

I think there is a chance either way. You have enough in common that there could be something and he clealy likes being around you. But he also said he wasn't into workplace romances. So it could go either way.

The only way to know for sure is to ask. Feelings like this don't come along often for you. If you feel it, it is worth taking a chance. I have been in position to say something to a person I was interested in, and froze. I still regret it. Even if the answer was no, I would still have known I tried. Now I will never know. 

You can try to read into his words and actions. You can analyze all you want. But if you feel something for him, you owe it to yourself to express that. You can make it a simple conversation, no pressure. You can take things as slow as you want, should he be interested. And if he isn't, then you can continue to be friends. You both sound like the kind of people who would be willing to do that.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

I appreciate your words. I posted this on another forum and I got attacked and belittled, which was completely unexpected, since this was a genuine post. I think me saying that I've had a lot of people hit on me came across as being egotistical, but it wasn't meant to be that way. It's just something that has happened a lot and I think it is because it was the wrong people and because I am often unobtainable. Not because I am "all that". I appreciate this insight. I actually used to try to ask a lot of guys out late high school/early college, but realized I wasn't really that interested or attracted so It wasn't fair to them. I don't really have a fear in that sense. But I guess you are right that it is strange (even though I don't have a full on crush, more like an inkling of interest) that the roles are "reversed" and someone is not coming onto me very strongly. I will definitely just let life happens and if things grow, approach more directly. Thank you!

[00doom_atyourservice]

12 hours ago, smackie9 said:

 It sounds more to me you have anxiety, which distorts perception, causes avoidance, awkwardness, and worry about what others think. This young man may or may not be interested.....as life goes, things just play out and that there are things that are beyond our control. If he has lots of friends, I would say he's just being a social butterfly at work...probably would rather talk/ interact rather than do his job. Socializing is a big part of who he is. The way I gauged things growing up was, an interested guy would ask me out. And if I was interested I would show my interest in him with flirting or whatever. And that's it. Keeping it simple. Now if you feel you struggle way too much, feel you are asexual, etc...I suggest maybe try getting diagnosed to put your mind at ease and know what you are working with...and then learn some coping skills from a therapist to help you navigate your social/dating life/find that special someone that you can connect with. I will tell you this, you have to sort your way through the rubbish to find love. It's totally normal, and everyone goes though it...dating sucks when you care about finding someone. But in the end it's all worth it. I hope you can find your way, and maybe not him but someone. Just have to maybe be more communicative with them about it even tho that's not something you would do, clear the air, ask them out maybe? Try newer bolder ways to interact, be out of your comfort zone. Just have to change the way you think, see things...try a new perspective/POV. When I am faced with challenges, I try to get myself excited about it rather than dread it. Then kick back and see where it goes. 

I do have anxiety, but it is not social and does not involve people. I don't care what others think of me on a personal level, more so that I have grown tired of being seen as a conquest or a piece of meat by the wrong people or people that have come on very strongly when I am not someone who likes that. I am mostly not used to this coworker for example who is not coming on strongly and seems to want to be friends, so I was asking for clarity. Not to be interrogative, but I think that you may not understand how demisexual/ace works. It's not particularly a condition or a disorder that is something that needs to be changed through therapy. I don't "struggle" with it. I physically lack a level of attraction. Random people aren't "hot" to me. A "hot" celebrity could approach me for a hookup and I would be repulsed and uninterested. Not because of anxiety, trauma, or an incident. It's just how it is. I've asked guys out, tried to go on dating apps, etc, so there is no fear there, but I feel is a sense of leading people on since I don't feel the same attraction for people I don't know well. But I will definitely just go with the flow instead of questioning it, I guess. Thank you.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

I appreciate your words. I posted this on another forum and I got attacked and belittled, which was completely unexpected, since this was a genuine post. I think me saying that I've had a lot of people hit on me came across as being egotistical, but it wasn't meant to be that way. It's just something that has happened a lot and I think it is because it was the wrong people and because I am often unobtainable. Not because I am "all that". I appreciate this insight. I actually used to try to ask a lot of guys out late high school/early college, but realized I wasn't really that interested or attracted so It wasn't fair to them. I don't really have a fear in that sense. But I guess you are right that it is strange (even though I don't have a full on crush, more like an inkling of interest) that the roles are "reversed" and someone is not coming onto me very strongly. I will definitely just let life happens and if things grow, approach more directly. Thank you!

Take it from someone who has also been attacked and belittled for posting a genuine question or comment, some people will read whatever they want into your words rather or not it's actually there. People's comments reveal a lot about them and has more to do with who they are then with what you write. That's especially true if you express idea or experiences that may be counter to what is considered "normal." Ignore the attacks and weed through to find the useful, heartfelt comments.

All you can be is you. If people have hit on you, then it's not egotistical to say so. It's honest. You aren't bragging about it. If anything it's caused you problems. 

When it comes to let relationships, I've learned to let my feelings be my guide. If you're interested, say something. The wondering and questioning, the overthinking... it creates more problems. Trust yourself to know what you want and go for it. Carry the attitude that its better to go down swinging. You may not get the result you hope for, but at least you have the chance.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

It's not particularly a condition or a disorder that is something that needs to be changed through therapy. I don't "struggle" with it. I physically lack a level of attraction. Random people aren't "hot" to me. A "hot" celebrity could approach me for a hookup and I would be repulsed and uninterested. Not because of anxiety, trauma, or an incident. It's just how it is.

Thank you for saying that. I often find people have misconceptions about topics of sexuality like this, and that's said with respect to those people. Orientation is a complex thing with a wide variety of layers that people can fall into. It's just a part of who they are. It's how they view love, sex, relationships, etc. There is nothing inherently good or bad about it. They don't need to be fixed or seek help. I'd say they need more acceptance and understanding just as they are.

However you are in this regards, is just how you are. Be proud of that. It might not be the typical way things are done, but it's your way. And there are others out there that think the same. In the end, we all want to be loved. And we all deserve to be loved.

[smackie9]

11 hours ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

I do have anxiety, but it is not social and does not involve people. I don't care what others think of me on a personal level, more so that I have grown tired of being seen as a conquest or a piece of meat by the wrong people or people that have come on very strongly when I am not someone who likes that. I am mostly not used to this coworker for example who is not coming on strongly and seems to want to be friends, so I was asking for clarity. Not to be interrogative, but I think that you may not understand how demisexual/ace works. It's not particularly a condition or a disorder that is something that needs to be changed through therapy. I don't "struggle" with it. I physically lack a level of attraction. Random people aren't "hot" to me. A "hot" celebrity could approach me for a hookup and I would be repulsed and uninterested. Not because of anxiety, trauma, or an incident. It's just how it is. I've asked guys out, tried to go on dating apps, etc, so there is no fear there, but I feel is a sense of leading people on since I don't feel the same attraction for people I don't know well. But I will definitely just go with the flow instead of questioning it, I guess. Thank you.

This is what I mean by beyond your control. People coming onto you for the wrong or right reasons is just part of life and is not just to you, it happens to everyone. Yes I understand the condition...I understand also not everyone struggles with it per say but you struggle how people act/treat you. And it's not a matter of changing who you are but learning how to navigate things better as to not be distracted at being irritated by how how others make you feel. How you are and how the general public are when it come to sexual drive are polar opposites. So yes you do struggle in that sense. There comes a time when we need help, and there are those (therapists/the right counselling) that can give you insight how to change your perception/get some coping skills to eliminate the anxiety and frustration or at least tone it down so it's not overwhelming you. You still can make your own choices for sure, but having more knowledge/guidance can be a total game changer. 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

Random people aren't "hot" to me. A "hot" celebrity could approach me for a hookup and I would be repulsed and uninterested. Not because of anxiety, trauma, or an incident. It's just how it is. I've asked guys out, tried to go on dating apps, etc, so there is no fear there, but I feel is a sense of leading people on since I don't feel the same attraction for people I don't know well. But I will definitely just go with the flow instead of questioning it, I guess. Thank you.

This sounds very typical of most people so I'm not sure why you're labeling it as if it's unusual.  I found certain male models and celebrities attractive and would never have agreed to a hookup because I typically didn't do hookups.  Many people feel stronger attraction as they get to know someone. I don't think you're being egotistical to say you get hit on a lot - why is that a positive or something to be proud of? I feel good when people find me fun/supportive/kind to interact with not when some random person flirts with me or seems to find me attractive looking.  Being hit on doesn't mean you're going to be any better off at finding a lasting friendship or romantic relationship IMO and it might even impede it.

I think it's leading someone on if -this is just me -by  the 4th date you're not interested in kissing the person/you don't enjoy kissing the person -that was my "test" when I dated.

[00doom_atyourservice]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

This sounds very typical of most people so I'm not sure why you're labeling it as if it's unusual.  I found certain male models and celebrities attractive and would never have agreed to a hookup because I typically didn't do hookups.  Many people feel stronger attraction as they get to know someone. I don't think you're being egotistical to say you get hit on a lot - why is that a positive or something to be proud of? I feel good when people find me fun/supportive/kind to interact with not when some random person flirts with me or seems to find me attractive looking.  Being hit on doesn't mean you're going to be any better off at finding a lasting friendship or romantic relationship IMO and it might even impede it.

I think it's leading someone on if -this is just me -by  the 4th date you're not interested in kissing the person/you don't enjoy kissing the person -that was my "test" when I dated.

It's actually not typical. That's why hookup culture is a thing. That's why there are countless apps used for hookups, casual sex, flings, or whatever else you want to label it. Grindr, Tinder, Bumble, hinge. Grindr and Tinder are notorious for being hookup only with millions of users. All of my friends around me find strangers hot, participate in hookups and casual dating. I don't even find conventionally "attractive" celebs attractive. I only know that they are based on other opinions and by aesthetics. And it's okay that it's not typical. It doesn't mean I'm weird. It just is what it is and I acknowledge that some others may think and feel differently from me. It is normal for people to get STONGER attraction as they get to know someone. But not to have ANY isn't really that typical. 

And I'm glad you agree that I don't mean it in an egotistical way and that it's only really meaningful when someone likes you for truly you. I definitely think it's not a positive thing. But I've had people say some rude things if I ever share this fact with them. They will often make remarks like "why are you complaining that people hit on you? what privilege and you're acting like a victim," "Oh poor you that people like you," "Wish I had that problem," "It's because you're unfriendly and only pretty." or nonsense of that sort lol...

Some of this has led to stalking and other things that have put my life in danger too, so it's definitely not something I'm exactly fond of.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

It's actually not typical. That's why hookup culture is a thing. That's why there are countless apps used for hookups, casual sex, flings, or whatever else you want to label it. Grindr, Tinder, Bumble, hinge. Grindr and Tinder are notorious for being hookup only with millions of users. All of my friends around me find strangers hot, participate in hookups and casual dating. I don't even find conventionally "attractive" celebs attractive. I only know that they are based on other opinions and by aesthetics. And it's okay that it's not typical. It doesn't mean I'm weird. It just is what it is and I acknowledge that some others may think and feel differently from me. It is normal for people to get STONGER attraction as they get to know someone. But not to have ANY isn't really that typical. 

And I'm glad you agree that I don't mean it in an egotistical way and that it's only really meaningful when someone likes you for truly you. I definitely think it's not a positive thing. But I've had people say some rude things if I ever share this fact with them. They will often make remarks like "why are you complaining that people hit on you? what privilege and you're acting like a victim," "Oh poor you that people like you," "Wish I had that problem," "It's because you're unfriendly and only pretty." or nonsense of that sort lol...

Some of this has led to stalking and other things that have put my life in danger too, so it's definitely not something I'm exactly fond of.

Why do you share that people have hit on you -how  does that even come up? My mother was proposed to by a TSA officer at the airport one of the first times she flew on her own after my dad passed away. She bragged about it -she was in her 80s.  That's super cute IMO.  Sharing that information you do - what's the point?

There was hookup "culture" but we didn't call it that in the 70s too but they met at bars. Nothing new under the sun other than the way in which people first contact might be over the internet.  I think it's perfectly typical not to be sexually attracted to a complete stranger -I can find a stranger attractive but not where I would act on it to hook up with a stranger. 

Finding someone hot doesn't mean you are hoping to hook up with the person -that's different.  Some people do some people don't.  You are a person who can notice that someone's physical features are attractive and your attraction as far as wanting to touch or be with that person comes when you are around someone and know someone over time.

Nothing to be concerned about or go to lengths to "label" in my opinion.  I also think certain people who choose to have casual sex do so for reasons other than strong attraction so it doesn't mean they are particularly attracted to the person -there may be many other reasons -wanting to have an orgasm while having intercourse, because having sex is fun, they want a physical connection with someone as long as they are not repulsed, they are lonely or the opportunity is there so "why not".  You're making a lot of assumptions. Certain people lie to themselves. Others have a strong sex drive and do not get attached emotionally through sex so it's an activity they enjoy with a consenting adult. No big deal.  You do you. 

[Tinydance]

Well there is nothing wrong with being demisexual. And I don't think all people just easily lust after others and hook up on Tinder, Grindr and so on. I don't think you're showing off by saying that people were hitting on you. But I hate to break it to you, this does happen a lot if you're a female. It happened to me many times where male friends hit on me. I'm bisexual so I've had some female friends hit on me as well. I wasn't interested in some people who hit on me either just because I wasn't into them. Maybe it was worse for you because you're not attracted to people often. But everyone goes through this.

I also don't think that dating needs to be about having sex straight away. If you start spending time with someone, you don't need to be like: "Whoa I'm demisexual so just FYI I won't be having sex unless there's a deep connection." You said you let people know about it but do you necessarily need to? If they're not pushing you for sex then why make a big point of it? Why not just enjoy their company and get to know them better? Seems like you're doing that with the guy at work so continue doing so. If you think you might be interested as more than friendship then why not invite him to hang out one-on-one? Doesn't mean you need to sleep with him. If someone just wants sex and you don't have sex with them, they'll likely just drop off. 

Also I don't mean this in a rude way but sorry I don't buy it that you can't make friends because every person hits on you. I'm sure there are people who genuinely wanted/will want to be your friend. Even people like gay guys for example shouldn't have ulterior motives towards you. One of my close guy friends is gay. I think you're already lumping people into just people who will hit on you or want sex before you even give them a chance.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

a rude way but sorry I don't buy it that you can't make friends because every person hits on you. I'm sure there are people who genuinely wanted/will want to be your friend.

One of my closest friends is a guy who asked me out shortly after we met at school.  I said no. Then we became friends. This was in 1994.

Also I was a person who waited a long time to have sex. I did not have casual sex. It was a little unusual in my typical social circles. And I didn't make it a big deal -no back story no apologies.  If he invited me over or asked to come to my place I'd say "that would be great, I'm looking forward  to it and just so there's no awkwardness I'm not ready to have sex yet."  Or it would come up early on as far as the guy telling me what he was looking for -sometimes it was a casual sex type thing so we stopped dating early. Sometimes he told me he believed in waiting for whatever reason.  I didn't label it I didn't overexplain.  Take it or leave it was my opinion and if it's leave it cool he can find someone who feels as he does about sex.

[yogacat]

So you like this guy because he's not actively hitting on you 24-7 and you're cautiously interested in him.

That's understandable, given your prior experiences.

So, how about you give him a nudge, I mean strike up a conversation, tell him about something you like, ask him about something he likes, maybe go out and check out an event. If he seems positively reactive to your overtures, then you can continue to interact and most likely, he will give you some clue that indicates his level of interest. 

[00doom_atyourservice]

16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you share that people have hit on you -how  does that even come up? My mother was proposed to by a TSA officer at the airport one of the first times she flew on her own after my dad passed away. She bragged about it -she was in her 80s.  That's super cute IMO.  Sharing that information you do - what's the point?

There was hookup "culture" but we didn't call it that in the 70s too but they met at bars. Nothing new under the sun other than the way in which people first contact might be over the internet.  I think it's perfectly typical not to be sexually attracted to a complete stranger -I can find a stranger attractive but not where I would act on it to hook up with a stranger. 

Finding someone hot doesn't mean you are hoping to hook up with the person -that's different.  Some people do some people don't.  You are a person who can notice that someone's physical features are attractive and your attraction as far as wanting to touch or be with that person comes when you are around someone and know someone over time.

Nothing to be concerned about or go to lengths to "label" in my opinion.  I also think certain people who choose to have casual sex do so for reasons other than strong attraction so it doesn't mean they are particularly attracted to the person -there may be many other reasons -wanting to have an orgasm while having intercourse, because having sex is fun, they want a physical connection with someone as long as they are not repulsed, they are lonely or the opportunity is there so "why not".  You're making a lot of assumptions. Certain people lie to themselves. Others have a strong sex drive and do not get attached emotionally through sex so it's an activity they enjoy with a consenting adult. No big deal.  You do you. 

I don't "share it" they see it and bring it up and tell me these things. You're saying it yourself that it was perfectly normal. "Nothing new under the sun." Me just calling it its new modern name doesn't make it some underground thing lol. You also, again, find a stranger attractive. I do not. That is where the difference lies and I'm not sure why there is a confusion there. I'm saying exactly that people are different lol. Asexual people are also sometimes repulsed by sex entirely. That is why labels exist. They're not for me. They're for the other person. I'm literally telling you that everyone is different yet the only one here making assumptions is you. Crazy to me. There isn't a productive conversation in someone who doesn't wish to read what I say or dismisses different people's experiences. Have a nice day.

[00doom_atyourservice]

15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well there is nothing wrong with being demisexual. And I don't think all people just easily lust after others and hook up on Tinder, Grindr and so on. I don't think you're showing off by saying that people were hitting on you. But I hate to break it to you, this does happen a lot if you're a female. It happened to me many times where male friends hit on me. I'm bisexual so I've had some female friends hit on me as well. I wasn't interested in some people who hit on me either just because I wasn't into them. Maybe it was worse for you because you're not attracted to people often. But everyone goes through this.

I also don't think that dating needs to be about having sex straight away. If you start spending time with someone, you don't need to be like: "Whoa I'm demisexual so just FYI I won't be having sex unless there's a deep connection." You said you let people know about it but do you necessarily need to? If they're not pushing you for sex then why make a big point of it? Why not just enjoy their company and get to know them better? Seems like you're doing that with the guy at work so continue doing so. If you think you might be interested as more than friendship then why not invite him to hang out one-on-one? Doesn't mean you need to sleep with him. If someone just wants sex and you don't have sex with them, they'll likely just drop off. 

Also I don't mean this in a rude way but sorry I don't buy it that you can't make friends because every person hits on you. I'm sure there are people who genuinely wanted/will want to be your friend. Even people like gay guys for example shouldn't have ulterior motives towards you. One of my close guy friends is gay. I think you're already lumping people into just people who will hit on you or want sex before you even give them a chance.

Of course it happens a lot as a woman. I'm not acting like I'm a special case. Just sharing the inner thoughts of someone who doesn't experience attraction on top of this. Let's not make further assumptions on things I didn't say. I only let people know I'm demisexual if they're clearly coming onto me, which can happen rather quickly in some cases. I've talked about it in casual setting if people ask. I'm not out here announcing it just to say it. I'm not accusing the guy of wanting to have sex with me either. I was again just sharing some experiences. This seems like that case of Twitter. "I like waffles." "So you hate pancakes?" lol.... 

 

As for not buying it, that's fine. There's no reason for me to make it up, though. I never said I didn't have any friends or acquaintances ever in my life. Just that I have had some difficulty. It is true that every male I considered a friend had told me they had a crush on me at one point. This does not include every male I have ever interacted with. Sometimes they would have their crush and I would still attempt to keep and pursue the friendship amidst it. I had a gay friend who was notorious for bragging about which guy he went out with and had sex with pretty consistently. He then came out to me that he was potentially bi because he had a crush on me and didn't think he really had a thing for girls at all. When I politely declined, he couldn't pursue the friendship any more. My closest female friend, who I knew was pansexual, told me she only wanted to be friends with me at first because she found me hot and had a thing for me. Maybe it's just the circumstances that I'm put in, the people I surround myself with, coincidence, who knows? Take that information however you want to. 

[00doom_atyourservice]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

One of my closest friends is a guy who asked me out shortly after we met at school.  I said no. Then we became friends. This was in 1994.

Also I was a person who waited a long time to have sex. I did not have casual sex. It was a little unusual in my typical social circles. And I didn't make it a big deal -no back story no apologies.  If he invited me over or asked to come to my place I'd say "that would be great, I'm looking forward  to it and just so there's no awkwardness I'm not ready to have sex yet."  Or it would come up early on as far as the guy telling me what he was looking for -sometimes it was a casual sex type thing so we stopped dating early. Sometimes he told me he believed in waiting for whatever reason.  I didn't label it I didn't overexplain.  Take it or leave it was my opinion and if it's leave it cool he can find someone who feels as he does about sex.

I relate to this a lot. Me labeling myself was for this thread mostly. I just tell people if it comes up, as soon as possible, that I don't do casual sex and flings. For some people, casual sex is a part of their life so it is so unspoken and they need that "hey, I don't do that," told early on. Some people, even if they hit on you and you say no and become their friend, it's always still in the back of their mind to pursue you and will even leave the friendship if it doesn't happen.

[ShySoul]

23 hours ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

And it's okay that it's not typical. It doesn't mean I'm weird. It just is what it is and I acknowledge that some others may think and feel differently from me. It is normal for people to get STONGER attraction as they get to know someone. But not to have ANY isn't really that typical. 

You're simply who you are. Doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks. What you are saying, how you feel, isn't typical. It's hard for other people to grasp if they don't feel the same or have the same experieinces. Most people see attraction in terms of appearance. They focus on looks. Even if people aren't "hooking up" they see sex as a pivotal part of the relationship. It doesn't mean anything about either side. It's just how we each experience our own feelings.

You seem very mature. You understand your sexuality, which is all that matters. And given your history with people, it makes sense you are cautious on the subject and leary of people. Really, think you have a better understanding of yourself and what you want then a lot of people.

As for your original topic, talk to the guy and get closer to him. No pressure, no big deal. Just see where it takes you. Enjoy being with someone who isn't hitting on you or wanting that hook up. Rather it just stays friends or you both feel it heading for more, think having someone like this in your life can be a good experience for you.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

I don't "share it" they see it and bring it up and tell me these things. You're saying it yourself that it was perfectly normal. "Nothing new under the sun." Me just calling it its new modern name doesn't make it some underground thing lol. You also, again, find a stranger attractive. I do not. That is where the difference lies and I'm not sure why there is a confusion there. I'm saying exactly that people are different lol. Asexual people are also sometimes repulsed by sex entirely. That is why labels exist. They're not for me. They're for the other person. I'm literally telling you that everyone is different yet the only one here making assumptions is you. Crazy to me. There isn't a productive conversation in someone who doesn't wish to read what I say or dismisses different people's experiences. Have a nice day.

I didn't dismiss at all. I agree you feel what you feel and I think you're escalating it to some unusual label. I am not sexually attracted to strangers -I don't want to have sex with a stranger but I might find a stranger attractive looking.  What I would do is change the subject if someone insists on discussing some observation about men hitting on you.  It's a silly conversation and as you see leads to nothing good.

You have a good day too and obviously no one has to date. Had you said you were asexual I'd have responded differently. What you described seemed well within typical and you seeing yourself as some unusual label seems -for you- to get in your own way of connecting with people -seemed like almost an excuse to avoid it. JMHO. Take care and best of luck!

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

I relate to this a lot. Me labeling myself was for this thread mostly. I just tell people if it comes up, as soon as possible, that I don't do casual sex and flings. For some people, casual sex is a part of their life so it is so unspoken and they need that "hey, I don't do that," told early on. Some people, even if they hit on you and you say no and become their friend, it's always still in the back of their mind to pursue you and will even leave the friendship if it doesn't happen.

Some people do lots of stuff. Some people have casual sex once in awhile like on vacation and some make it a huge priority. Some people get over the other person declining and value the friendship because the attraction fades mostly or totally. Some people are really focused on having children. I was and am.  Some people have no interest in raising a child- and some people are in love with all cute babies while others are more selective. Feelings are feelings and feelings aren't facts and we can choose how to react to feelings. If someone raises some observation about men hitting on you you can feel a certain way about it and react in a different way cause you know from past experience it goes down a negative path. 

[00doom_atyourservice]

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You're simply who you are. Doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks. What you are saying, how you feel, isn't typical. It's hard for other people to grasp if they don't feel the same or have the same experieinces. Most people see attraction in terms of appearance. They focus on looks. Even if people aren't "hooking up" they see sex as a pivotal part of the relationship. It doesn't mean anything about either side. It's just how we each experience our own feelings.

You seem very mature. You understand your sexuality, which is all that matters. And given your history with people, it makes sense you are cautious on the subject and leary of people. Really, think you have a better understanding of yourself and what you want then a lot of people.

As for your original topic, talk to the guy and get closer to him. No pressure, no big deal. Just see where it takes you. Enjoy being with someone who isn't hitting on you or wanting that hook up. Rather it just stays friends or you both feel it heading for more, think having someone like this in your life can be a good experience for you.

Thank you for all of your replies and understanding. There is a difference in it being hard to grasp by people who haven't experienced it vs accepting that someone feels different than you and just finding it hard to understand fully.  I would just think in this day and age that people would be more open minded that everyone is different, but there are always those who remind me that they are not and aren't willing to understand. It can be a little frustrating, but I can't force them to understand if they're not willing to.

And I am definitely going to take that route. It's nice to go with the flow and not seem like something is being forced on me. Thanks! 

[yogacat]

10 minutes ago, 00doom_atyourservice said:

And I am definitely going to take that route. It's nice to go with the flow and not seem like something is being forced on me. Thanks! 

Take your time. 

Given your past experiences, it is totally understandable that you are wary of people developing feelings for you. It can be overwhelming and uncomfortable when people quickly develop intense feelings without taking the time to get to know you as a person first.

In this situation, the best course of action may be to continue getting to know your coworker and see where your friendship goes. If he does have feelings for you, they may become more apparent over time. If not, then you have still gained a good friend in the process!

[mylolita]

Good evening OP! 
 

I haven’t read the full thread replies, but I hope I get the gist of things right. 
 

My only advice to you would be - maybe try not dating until you’re quite sure there could be a real connection?

 

That might sound impossible but it means friendships or getting to know the person first before agreeing to go on dates? This could take the pressure off you a little and also give you time without a formal nervous date setting, to decide whether a connection and attraction is building? 
 

Also, I would say I’m quite like yourself as well when it comes to attraction. It takes a hell of a lot. 
 

How I dealt with this myself was, I had no boyfriends throughout my whole school and college years. I just never agreed to go on dates. There wasn’t anything there… no shooting stars, nothing. That meant I never kissed anyone either. No sex. I was a virgin. I thought, I’m only going to date if I think “this could be it” and it felt beyond special to me. 

It just so happened when I was 18 I met my now husband. I slept with him quite slow into the game, we’d been together and boyfriend and girlfriend for a few months. I gave up my virginity for him because I was sure it was love and we would get married. I’m not religious by the way but I am bisexual as well. 
 

It was simply an alternative (and seemingly serious) route I took to finding a relationship. Hook up culture also does nothing for me and if I were ever single again for any reason, I know deep in myself I wouldn’t be going down that route. 
 

I view kissing, hand holding - all of that - as extremely special and needing, for me anyway, to have a very deep connection to happen. 
 

I did go through a naughty stage with my husband where we went to private members parties and I explored my bisexual side but, few dalliances later and I kind of got it out of my system. 
 

You’re not alone, strange, or weird. I would personally adapt your dating style to suit your needs and don’t let what’s popular or how other people push or demand things from you - affect you or your decisions. 
 

I’m sorry to hear about your stalking situation. That is sinister and never okay. I hope that was resolved. 

You need an intense connection for attraction so maybe you need a little bit of an intense method to your dating! 
 

All the best, 

 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Had you said you were asexual I'd have responded differently. 

Bat, respectfully she did. In her original post. 

On 1/6/2025 at 8:34 PM, 00doom_atyourservice said:

I also think I'm ace or demisexual,

Ace is short for asexual.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 1/6/2025 at 8:34 PM, 00doom_atyourservice said:

I don't find anyone attractive unless I have a very very strong connection.

@00doom_atyourservicefirst off, just wanted to say I relate to a lot of what you've posted; it's not my thread so won't get into it, but I do understand it.

Secondly with respect to above quoted, if you could clarify when you say you "don't find anyone attractive unless," do you mean you cannot become "attracted to" them unless you feel a strong connection?

Speaking for myself, I can find someone asethecally good looking/attractive to look at however that does not necessarily mean I am "attracted to" them. 

Some people are confused by that, imo because they don't share the same view which is fine. 

Anyway...

Attraction for me runs deeper, and involves so many other things besides physical appearance, asethecally appealing, including like you feeling a certain connection, and it's very very rare when it happens.

Anyway, keep posting!  This is a rare but important topic imo. 💛