Feel like my boss is trying to embarrass me

[Sara742]

I’m looking for some advice/comfort…

Some context, my ex boyfriend is a work colleague (he now works in another office in a different city). My boss is good friends with my ex. My ex and I are still in touch, he told me he was still in love with me just before he moved away and we still text/FaceTime occasionally.

My boss (who is my ex’s friend) has made it very clear that he has some kind of feelings/attraction to me, he only does this when we are on nights out and have had drinks and I believe he knows I get uncomfortable telling people no so he sees how far he can go with me (I haven’t done anything inappropriate, but he has grabbed my bum which I don’t know how to call out as he does it in a public but discreetly, he made comments about how jealous he was seeing me talk to another guy and he has tried to kiss me which I was drunk and laughed it off as nothing)

We went out the other week and it turns out he was constantly refilling my drinks and I ended up getting black out drunk - I remember the first couple of hours of the night and not much after. He told me that when I was talking to him I started speaking about how in love I was with my ex (I don’t deny that I wouldn’t say this drunk but I know I wouldn’t randomly say this, I know he would’ve mentioned him first knowing I’m drunk and will just blurt things out). He said don’t I think it’s time that I get over him and I honestly was so stunned at that comment i didn’t know what to say.

It’s now playing on my mind that he is going to mention this to my ex and make out I’m being obsessive. He doesn’t know that me and my ex still talk almost everyday and can sometimes FaceTime every weekend and I wouldn’t share that information with him.

I’m looking for peoples perspectives on this situation, what should I do if anything? I’ve decided I’m not going to drink at work outings and I’ll be honest I am thinking I need to totally remove myself from the company as every now and then my boss will make snide remarks, be inappropriate etc. I feel like he goes out of his way to make me look bad/embarrass me and I believe this is a way to control and get back at me for not reciprocating his advances. On a separate note, minus the fact he has made advances on his friends ex he has also had digs at my ex and I can tell he tries to paint him in a negative light.

Im sorry for the long post, and I’m grateful for any thoughts, advice etc x

[Batya33]

I would go to human resources and report his assaulting you and harassment.  Why did you choose to keep drinking just because he refilled your drink? I also would consider reporting him to outside authorities for grabbing you at the bar.

[Seraphim]

Personally, I wouldn’t go to the work drunk nights. 
 

I would report him . 

[yogacat]

Here's some comfort. Know that your boss grabbing your bum is 100% creepy and inappropriate. You are being harassed and you should report this to human resources or a higher up in your company.

Your ex may be a good guy. He likely isn't even aware of the situation. Obviously I can't know everything but from what you have put here he's shown he wants to foster a positive working relationship with you even though you are his ex. That alone speaks volumes for his character.

Also you don't have to be "that" drunk to be taken advantage of by creeps so don't feel like you should blame yourself for "not being responsible" or anything like that.

[ShySoul]

Your boss is sexually harrassing you and should be reported immediately. He has inappropriately touched you. He is making rude comments. He punishing you for not returning his feelings. None of that is acceptable in any way.

If he is doing this to you, good chance he has done it to others and will do it again. At a minimum HR needs to be aware so they can look into the matter. You could potentially be saving other women from feelings as uncomfortable as you feel right now.

I would see what happens there before deciding on leaving the job or not. If nothing is done, or if you still feel uncomfortable, please leave. You should not have to be in an environment where you don't feel safe.

And while not participating in events like that or not drinking as much is good, it is also not your fault. He was the one taking advantage of the sitution. You are not to blame in this at all.

As for the ex, even if he did hear something, it sounds like he would believe you first. He knows your character and loves you. And he probably has a good idea who this other guy is as well. 

Report him. Don't give him any more chance to do anything. 

[Sara742]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would go to human resources and report his assaulting you and harassment.  Why did you choose to keep drinking just because he refilled your drink? I also would consider reporting him to outside authorities for grabbing you at the bar.

Thank you for replying. I’ll be honest I don’t recall him refilling my drinks, I was told he would refill them when I wasn’t looking. I’m assuming I thought it was the same drink and just kept drinking it and because I was getting drunker I just became less sensible. It was a total lapse in judgment on my end and I have learnt a hard lesson from it now 

[Sara742]

10 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Personally, I wouldn’t go to the work drunk nights. 
 

I would report him . 

Thank you, he actually owns the company so I wouldn’t have anyone to report him to, we don’t really have HR. I have also thought about completely removing myself from any nights out to avoid this again 

[Sara742]

8 hours ago, yogacat said:

Here's some comfort. Know that your boss grabbing your bum is 100% creepy and inappropriate. You are being harassed and you should report this to human resources or a higher up in your company.

Your ex may be a good guy. He likely isn't even aware of the situation. Obviously I can't know everything but from what you have put here he's shown he wants to foster a positive working relationship with you even though you are his ex. That alone speaks volumes for his character.

Also you don't have to be "that" drunk to be taken advantage of by creeps so don't feel like you should blame yourself for "not being responsible" or anything like that.

Thank you for responding🤍 Unfortunately, he owns the company and there is no HR, he technically is the HR…

I don’t believe he is aware of this, Ive never told him about the comments/touching as I don’t know how to bring it up and I always worry as they’ve known each other longer would he believe his friend over me kind of thing, but I do think my boss could mention me oversharing my feelings about my ex which just makes me cringe, my ex knows how I feel but it’s the thought of knowing someone else is telling him and possibly making it seem worse.

 

[Sara742]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Your boss is sexually harrassing you and should be reported immediately. He has inappropriately touched you. He is making rude comments. He punishing you for not returning his feelings. None of that is acceptable in any way.

If he is doing this to you, good chance he has done it to others and will do it again. At a minimum HR needs to be aware so they can look into the matter. You could potentially be saving other women from feelings as uncomfortable as you feel right now.

I would see what happens there before deciding on leaving the job or not. If nothing is done, or if you still feel uncomfortable, please leave. You should not have to be in an environment where you don't feel safe.

And while not participating in events like that or not drinking as much is good, it is also not your fault. He was the one taking advantage of the sitution. You are not to blame in this at all.

As for the ex, even if he did hear something, it sounds like he would believe you first. He knows your character and loves you. And he probably has a good idea who this other guy is as well. 

Report him. Don't give him any more chance to do anything. 

Thank you so much for your reply 🙏🏻

I know he’s had an affair (he’s a married man) with another woman that works there…started from a drunken night out…

He owns the company and we don’t have a HR department so I wouldn’t be able to report him, that’s why I’m thinking it’s best just to find something new and get away from him completely.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Sara742 said:

Thank you, he actually owns the company so I wouldn’t have anyone to report him to, we don’t really have HR. I have also thought about completely removing myself from any nights out to avoid this again 

Then call whatever government agency or organization like the EEOC here in the states monitors workplace harassment, etc.

From now on wherever you are watch your drinks -even coffee if you're on a first date etc - drinks can be drugged or the strength varies and on and on.  Yes  you can report his company and/or him.  I think you should so another person doesn't go through this. Typically it's anonymous. 

[Sara742]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Then call whatever government agency or organization like the EEOC here in the states monitors workplace harassment, etc.

From now on wherever you are watch your drinks -even coffee if you're on a first date etc - drinks can be drugged or the strength varies and on and on.  Yes  you can report his company and/or him.  I think you should so another person doesn't go through this. Typically it's anonymous. 

Thank you, I’m based in the UK so I will look into what organisations can help with this sort of situation 

I’ve never even thought about things like coffee dates! It’s taught me a hard lesson to be a lot more aware of who I’m around and what I am consuming. Thank you again!🙏🏻

[Batya33]

Just now, Sara742 said:

Thank you, I’m based in the UK so I will look into what organisations can help with this sort of situation 

I’ve never even thought about things like coffee dates! It’s taught me a hard lesson to be a lot more aware of who I’m around and what I am consuming. Thank you again!🙏🏻

My friend was raped by a man she went out with a few times from Match.com. He  called her some  time later to meet for coffee and he drugged her coffee and raped her. During the day and as an aside my friend was in her late 20s I assume very very smart and educated etc. Can happen to anyone.  

If  you go out for drinks with coworkers I'd stick to one drink at most or I used to order sparkling water with a splash of cranberry juice and a twist of lime so it looked like a drink.

[MissCanuck]

Given that this guy owns the company, I would start looking for a new job. 

I also wouldn't worry too much about what he says to your ex. It sounds his reputation for being a creep is well-established so I would imagine your ex knows you (and him) well enough to know how you'd feel about his unwanted advances and predatorial nature. 

 

[Seraphim]

I would start looking for a new job. 

[HeartGoesOn]

No job is worth this type of treatment, (imo).  He apparently feels he has you at his mercy, therefore it's time to prove him wrong. I'd start looking for another job, ASAP.

All the best.

[yogacat]

12 hours ago, Sara742 said:

Thank you for responding🤍 Unfortunately, he owns the company and there is no HR, he technically is the HR…

I don’t believe he is aware of this, Ive never told him about the comments/touching as I don’t know how to bring it up and I always worry as they’ve known each other longer would he believe his friend over me kind of thing, but I do think my boss could mention me oversharing my feelings about my ex which just makes me cringe, my ex knows how I feel but it’s the thought of knowing someone else is telling him and possibly making it seem worse.

 

I agree you need to look for another job. When I was in my twenties I was making $100K after working for the company for 7 years and my boss (who owned the company) made a pass at me. I resigned the following day.

I am so sorry for that happening. That’s really uncalled for. This is a guy you have to see all day at work and he treats you like that? If it were me yes I would be getting the hell out of dodge. I would never have a job like that where the boss does stuff like that and does not treat you in a good way. Plus he talks crap about your ex? Oh yea find a different job.

Aside from that. I would avoid discussing ex’s while drinking because you cannot control who it gets back to. It's too close for comfort.

Get on with doing your job, the best you can, and avoid alcohol at those events afterwards.

I would caution you from sharing any personal or intimate details with him, especially when alcohol is involved. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

[ShySoul]

On 1/7/2025 at 3:16 AM, Sara742 said:

Thank you so much for your reply 🙏🏻

I know he’s had an affair (he’s a married man) with another woman that works there…started from a drunken night out…

He owns the company and we don’t have a HR department so I wouldn’t be able to report him, that’s why I’m thinking it’s best just to find something new and get away from him completely.

Absolutely leave and find another job. He has shown many times the person he is and it's not worth the risk to stick around any longer then is necessary. If you can afford it, I'd say to just give notice now. Don't take any chances. If you have to stay for a bit to support yourself, then be extra careful. Avoid being alone with him, avoid alcohol or any drinks. He's done things before and you can't be too careful.

Please look into reporting him to an organization as well. A quick search shows there were new rule/punishments put in place recently for this kind of stuff. If he's crossed a line, there should be consequences.

https://www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment/if-youve-been-sexually-harassed-at-work