Is she interested or no?

[o5o7]

Hi. So, I'm just looking for some dating advice as I haven't really dated in a long time. My last relationship went on for nearly 10 years, so I it has been a long time.

I met a girl at work a few months ago. She is very attractive and seemed really nice but I figured I was probably too old for her. I am 37 and she is 25. Although most people think I look like I am in my early-30s and I am in good shape physically, I figured a very attractive girl like her either had a boyfriend or had other options even though we did talk sometimes and get on quite well.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I started talking to her a bit more and she said that she was on dating apps and hated it. A few days later she winked at me on the stairs. So, I thought why not give it a shot. I started talking to her online and eventually asked her to go to an antique market. She said yes. We went and had a really great time - she seemed really interested in person and we even talked about other stuff we might do together.

Afterwards I thought maybe we would text back and forth a bit and sent her a few pictures of my dogs and other silly stuff. But that didn't happen. She replies to me every few days - although she does put effort into the replies and seems interested. I also thought since we had a good time we would go out the next week. But she said she was busy.

Eventually she agreed to go to a restaurant two weeks later. Again, the date went great and I thought we had a really good time. On the walk home I put my arm around her and held her hand and she seemed okay with it. I sort of expected a kiss but we just did the cheek kiss thing (she's central European). She kept complaining that she doesn't really like what she is currently studying - something she also said on the first date - and mentioned that the university wanted her to study abroad for a year at the end of 2025.

After this it was the same pattern. I invited her for lunch but she said she was quite busy but we would do something before I went home for Christmas. At the office Christmas party I didn't really know how to behave as I didn't want to cross any professional boundaries she had. But she came up to me and pulled me on to the dance floor at the end of the night. Before I left I went up to her and held her hands and said I would really like to see her before I went home for Christmas and that I'd bought her a gift. Maybe it was a bit much but we were both a bit drunk.

I texted her the next day and she agreed to lunch but insisted that she was inviting me this time. We went to a place that she suggested and she insisted on paying - I mean she really insisted because I will always pay on dates. She half-jokingly said "don't turn down a girl buying you lunch". At lunch she said that she had exams and would be quite busy throughout January. She texted me over Christmas and thanked me for the gifts. She seemed to really appreciate them but said that they were a bit much - they probably were to be honest.

When I got back I found out that a few friends were organizing a theater outing and I knew that she really likes the theater. I asked her and she said she would have no time at all in January as she had an exam every 3 days - I guess she means one a week or something. That seems like a lot, but whatever.

Anyway, where am I going with this? I just find the whole thing hard to read. She seems really enthusiastic in person. But seems kind of hard to nail down - although she never cancels or anything like that. There is definitely a cultural barrier and I find her sort of hard to read as a person as central European girls are a lot more reserved than I am used to.

I really like her and, as I said, I am sort of surprised she agreed to go on dates with me. To be honest I find it hard not to think about her a lot - which is a bit embarrassing since I'm not 19 anymore or whatever. I don't mind if she is really busy and the whole thing takes longer than I am used to. But on the other hand, I really don't want to waste months on this if she just wants to casually hang out a bit - the disappointment alone wouldn't be very nice. That said, I definitely don't want to screw the whole thing up by confronting her and demanding that she say whether she is actually serious or not.

Any thoughts welcome! Thanks so much.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Have you been upfront about your motives?

I think you should express that you want to date her officially, cause otherwise it sounds like you are coasting along as colleagues.

[o5o7]

18 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Have you been upfront about your motives?

I think you should express that you want to date her officially, cause otherwise it sounds like you are coasting along as colleagues.

I think it's pretty clear that we are going on dates etc. She knows that I am looking for a serious relationship from conversations before we were dating. It just really doesn't feel like we're at the point where I ask her to be exclusive or whatever. I haven't even kissed her yet.

[SophiaG]

I think her interest is low at best.

[o5o7]

1 minute ago, SophiaG said:

I think her interest is low at best.

Yeah I think you might be right. Why do girls show interest, go on dates, let you hold their hands etc if they're not interested? This girl does not at all strike me as someone trying to get free dinners or get attention - I know what that looks like.

[Kwothe28]

22 minutes ago, o5o7 said:

I think it's pretty clear that we are going on dates etc.

Where you clear enough with that? Meaning that you stated its a romantic date, not friendly going out by 2 coworkers? Did you flirted? Does she flirts back?

Because most of what you described, you can do with coworker/friend. And doesnt imply romantic connection.

[o5o7]

Just now, Kwothe28 said:

Where you clear enough with that? Meaning that you stated its a romantic date, not friendly going out by 2 coworkers? Did you flirted? Does she flirts back?

Because most of what you described, you can do with coworker/friend. And doesnt imply romantic connection.

As I said, I haven't been dating for like 10 years. But as far as I can tell we're flirting. The dates seem to flow very well. It is 100% a date vibe. She puts her arm around mine on the walk home and everything. Last time I was teasing her about how maybe I should invite another girl to the Christmas market if she was too busy and she legit got mad and was like "I hope you would not!".

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, o5o7 said:

Yeah I think you might be right. Why do girls show interest, go on dates, let you hold their hands etc if they're not interested? This girl does not at all strike me as someone trying to get free dinners or get attention - I know what that looks like.

 

Why are you generalizing about "girls?" I mean you haven't dated since you were in your 20s so I'm not understanding your attitude. This woman, your coworker, went on a couple of dates with you. My sense is she's no longer interested-maybe she changed her mind over the holidays and/or met someone else or is interested in someone else? I do think she should be up front in the circumstances but maybe she feels awkward given the work situation.  

As an aside I'd avoid teasing like you did about other girls so early on in dating. It's not yet the right time IMO.

 I'm sorry you're disappointed

 

[o5o7]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

Why are you generalizing about "girls?" I mean you haven't dated since you were in your 20s so I'm not understanding your attitude. This woman, your coworker, went on a couple of dates with you. My sense is she's no longer interested-maybe she changed her mind over the holidays and/or met someone else or is interested in someone else? I do think she should be up front in the circumstances but maybe she feels awkward given the work situation.  

As an aside I'd avoid teasing like you did about other girls so early on in dating. It's not yet the right time IMO.

 I'm sorry you're disappointed

 

I think you've misunderstood. She hasn't changed her behavior. It's just been consistently hard to get dates with her since we started going on them. But she always agrees in the end and always gives the impression that she's busy at the moment but we will make plans later.

I mean I'm open to her just not being that interested - although I don't know why she then wouldn't just say she doesn't want to go out again. But maybe she is playing hard to get, I don't know.

Point taken on the teasing. I don't think it caused any major issues, but it probably doesn't give off a great vibe.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, o5o7 said:

I think you've misunderstood. She hasn't changed her behavior. It's just been consistently hard to get dates with her since we started going on them. But she always agrees in the end and always gives the impression that she's busy at the moment but we will make plans later.

I mean I'm open to her just not being that interested - although I don't know why she then wouldn't just say she doesn't want to go out again. But maybe she is playing hard to get, I don't know.

Point taken on the teasing. I don't think it caused any major issues, but it probably doesn't give off a great vibe.

It sounded to me like she was making more excuses and making the time between dates longer. Also perhaps she's keeping her distance because of the gifts -she senses you're more into her than she is into you.  I do not think she is playing games.

[o5o7]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It sounded to me like she was making more excuses and making the time between dates longer. Also perhaps she's keeping her distance because of the gifts -she senses you're more into her than she is into you.  I do not think she is playing games.

I don't think so. She told me about the exams before Christmas. Nothing has changed. It's just an ongoing thing of very spaced out dates and not a lot of communication. But the dates go well and she does engage when she messages me. And she always gives the impression that she is busy now but we will go out when she is not.

[DarkCh0c0]

What if you step it up and tell her you're serious about her and want to date exclusively? Then see how she responds?

It's easy and like ripping off a band-aid. And it will give you the answer you're looking for.

2 hours ago, o5o7 said:

I think it's pretty clear that we are going on dates etc. She knows that I am looking for a serious relationship from conversations before we were dating. It just really doesn't feel like we're at the point where I ask her to be exclusive or whatever. I haven't even kissed her yet.

It's clear you go out and there is some flirting here and there. But, your intentions were not made clear. She might think you have a temporary crush on her, and that is all.

In any case, ask her and you shall receive the answer. It might or might not be an answer you'll like, but at least you'll be able to move on.

[o5o7]

12 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

What if you step it up and tell her you're serious about her and want to date exclusively? Then see how she responds?

It's easy and like ripping off a band-aid. And it will give you the answer you're looking for.

It's clear you go out and there is some flirting here and there. But, your intentions were not made clear. She might think you have a temporary crush on her, and that is all.

In any case, ask her and you shall receive the answer. It might or might not be an answer you'll like, but at least you'll be able to move on.

You might be right. Seems weird to ask that before I even kiss the girl, but maybe it's just worth doing. Thanks.

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, o5o7 said:

You might be right. Seems weird to ask that before I even kiss the girl, but maybe it's just worth doing. Thanks.

^^Time to escalate and kiss her next time you get together.  As it stands now, although you claim these are "dates" she may be confused or ambivalent about it..

Kinda curious why you haven't?

How she responds will bring you closer to obtaining the answer you need..

Take it from there. 

 

[o5o7]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Time to escalate and kiss her next time you get together.  As it stands now, although you claim these are "dates" she may be confused or ambivalent about it..

Kinda curious why you haven't?

How she responds will bring you closer to obtaining the answer you need..

Take it from there. 

 

The opportunity didn't really come up. I sort of tried at the end of the second date, but just got a kiss on the cheek.

[rainbowsandroses]

33 minutes ago, o5o7 said:

I sort of tried at the end of the second date, but just got a kiss on the cheek.

^This was you escalating and her response was a kiss on the cheek = low or no romantic interest imo. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, o5o7 said:

Why do girls show interest, go on dates, let you hold their hands etc if they're not interested? 

^^Well some girls do, certainly not all. 

They.may do it for attention and validation OR they truly see you as just a friend.

You interpret their behavior as romantic interest because YOU are romantcally interested in them.

[o5o7]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Well some girls do, certainly not all. 

They.may do it for attention and validation OR they truly see you as just a friend.

You interpret their behavior as romantic interest because YOU are romantcally interested in them.

Going to an expensive dinner with a guy who is paying and getting dressed up is a date. Walking back with them holding hands is obviously a date.

I have no idea if this is typical. If it is then this whole dating thing is even less compelling than I initially thought. Oh well.

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, SophiaG said:

I think her interest is low at best.

Agree.

She has low interest. I think she enjoys your company and does like you but not enough to feel a romantic connection. That's why she comes up with different reasons why you can't meet up and only gives vague answers. If she wanted to see you, she'd make time. She sounds polite. I suggest you remain friends but move on to date somone else. I wouldn't expect more than occasional replies (or no replies) from her. Have lunch when you have time but please consider asking another woman out on a date. At best, she considers you an afterthought. That's not where you want this to go. If a woman liked you she'd create time and want to see you.

[o5o7]

25 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Agree.

She has low interest. I think she enjoys your company and does like you but not enough to feel a romantic connection. That's why she comes up with different reasons why you can't meet up and only gives vague answers. If she wanted to see you, she'd make time. She sounds polite. I suggest you remain friends but move on to date somone else. I wouldn't expect more than occasional replies (or no replies) from her. Have lunch when you have time but please consider asking another woman out on a date. At best, she considers you an afterthought. That's not where you want this to go. If a woman liked you she'd create time and want to see you.

Yeah, I think you're probably right. I thought she was playing hard to get but maybe just not interested.

[rainbowsandroses]

43 minutes ago, o5o7 said:

Going to an expensive dinner with a guy who is paying and getting dressed up is a date. Walking back with them holding hands is obviously a date.

^^Perhaps so but that does NOT translate to her having romantic interest. 

You've been out of this game for awhile; there are some women who enjoy being treated to elaborate dinners, having gifts bought for them etc when they have no romantic interest. 

They enjoy the attention, the validation as I said before. 

If after being treated to such elaborate dinners, etc, she refuses to even kiss you (bare minimum), her romantic interest isn't there imo.

I'm sorry. 

[o5o7]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Perhaps so but that does NOT translate to her having romantic interest. 

You've been out of this game for awhile; there are some women who enjoy being treated to elaborate dinners, having gifts bought for them etc when they have no romantic interest. 

They enjoy the attention, the validation as I said before. 

If after being treated to such elaborate dinners, etc, she refuses to even kiss you (bare minimum), her romantic interest isn't there imo.

I'm sorry. 

Think you're probably right tbh. It's not the greatest behavior though especially if you work with the person. Seemed like a nice girl too.

[Andrina]

It might be that she's used to being touchy-feely with guy friends and it means nothing. It might be that she's trying to be kind to a co-worker so work isn't awkward, but in her way she thinks she's making it clear she's not thinking of you romantically, or too cowardly to tell you, and hoping you'll get the hint or fade away when she's too busy.

You've been doing the majority of the effort. You perhaps would've received your answer much earlier if you gave her a chance to return the effort, like a tennis match. You're in the game if she lobs the ball back. If she doesn't, and you're so smitten that you're the one making double and triple the effort, you're cornering her into either being brave enough to tell you she's not interested, or making her squirm if she's too cowardly, so she'll feed you breadcrumbs, hoping you'll lose interest.

Speaking as a woman, I wouldn't act like this woman if I were interested in a guy romantically. Even people with exams have to grab a meal and even if I only had 30 minutes to spare in a week, I'd say so.

[smackie9]

She is just being nice and enjoying the company/going out. There is no way there is going to be anything serious with her. I don't see it in her actions...being pleasant/having fun doesn't mean romantic interest.

[Batya33]

My advice -take the woman out (the next woman you date) in a less expensive way.  Plan a fun activity, dinner or otherwise but where your wallet doesn't go all out. You seem primed to be bitter and generalize about "girls" taking advantage so avoid a situation where you might indulge that negativity.