Frustrated

[MissCanuck]

New year, with new opportunities ahead. 

Time to leave the past squarely in the past, and move forward. This "ex" of yours belongs in your rear view. Would you be comfortable just being on your own for a while without any man to message with?

[Brooklyn84]

I have been totally fine being single since I'd say August of 2021, since the last relationship I had ended the month prior. I was totally fine just getting once or twice a year bursts of texts from the ex... I have to call him something on here to distinguish him in context to other people...

That's the thing that is driving me nuts. No matter what was going on...He has never not replied to a text message. Taken hours, yeah. A day, maybe. Literally days or weeks? Never. Seen a message and left it there. Absolutely not! And it just so happened to start directly after I sent him a picture... It's insanity to me. Anyway, what am I going to do? I can't force him to respond. 

I'd be fine just being friends with this mutual friend's guy. We haven't met in person yet and haven't even talked about it, other than we know what neighborhoods each other lives in. It's drivable. Definitely not too far, but not exactly the next town over. I wouldn't ghost him. For what? Not being a great conversationalist? That's not something I would do. And, I would suspect that if something wasn't working out, he'd tell me or if he suddenly stopped talking and I asked why, he'd at least give me some excuse. If for no other reason that he knows our mutual friend is a great person and that I've known her her whole life. Nobody that knows her would mess with this lady, so I'm hoping through association, though I can't guarantee a damn thing, that I'd get a little bit of clout. 

[SophiaG]

14 hours ago, Brooklyn84 said:

I know I'm going to be stuck on my ex. Been that way since 2018.

You know this is not something that just happens to you, right? You made the choice to be stuck on him. You can now decide to kick him to the curb and move on.

[Brooklyn84]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

You know this is not something that just happens to you, right? You made the choice to be stuck on him. You can now decide to kick him to the curb and move on.

I don't believe that and even if I did block him or just never hear from him again... It will always be what happened to him? Or some moment will remind me to miss him or in the same way I'd just randomly think what if we would have met up again. What if this, what if that and what if something else. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Brooklyn84 said:

I don't believe that and even if I did block him or just never hear from him again... It will always be what happened to him? Or some moment will remind me to miss him or in the same way I'd just randomly think what if we would have met up again. What if this, what if that and what if something else. 

Right. That's normal. Then you can choose not to act on those feelings.  The more you move along and don't act very often those feelings  take up less  space in you.  What if moments happen in many different contexts to many different people.  It can be hearing a song, seeing that a specific movie is on and you know who you saw it with, running into a mutual friend of an ex even virtually. So what?

[Jaunty]

At least I hope that you've let go of your notion that BOTH of you agree that the sex you have together is amazing.   

Since he resides near you now, and you've been very forward about your availability, it is meaningful that not only does he not show up on your doorstep but he also doesn't even bother to answer you.  

Definitely not feeling that he's missing out on anything amazing.

Please, for the love of all that is holy, don't go jumping into bed whenever this guy feels hard up enough to reach out to you again.   It makes me uncomfortable to consider why you'd treat yourself so badly.  You do not deserve the treatment you are giving yourself.   

Unfortunately you are actively begging for the treatment you get from this slacker.

[Brooklyn84]

11 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

At least I hope that you've let go of your notion that BOTH of you agree that the sex you have together is amazing.   

Since he resides near you now, and you've been very forward about your availability, it is meaningful that not only does he not show up on your doorstep but he also doesn't even bother to answer you.  

Definitely not feeling that he's missing out on anything amazing.

Please, for the love of all that is holy, don't go jumping into bed whenever this guy feels hard up enough to reach out to you again.   It makes me uncomfortable to consider why you'd treat yourself so badly.  You do not deserve the treatment you are giving yourself.   

Unfortunately you are actively begging for the treatment you get from this slacker.

I was thinking we both thought that because I do think that and that's the opinion he was also always telling me. Whether while we were together, when he was living with the other girl, when he started telling me he was moving back and during our recent month of texting. It was always we were synching up our schedules, eking out time to see each other at any given time or when he moved and was texting it would be: why did I move away? I wish you lived here. I could really go for seeing you right now, etc... Then it was: When I make the move home I'd want you to blah, blah, blah. Then he moved back and it was: We need to meet up soon. When I finally see you it's going to be perfect. Remember that one time this? We need to do that thing again because it was heaven. I just want to do this and that and all the times we did XYZ because those were the best. 

It's not like he was telling me oh, the sex is horrible and yet I'm being delusional thinking he said the opposite of what he really said.

I have years of text messages. I know what he said. In fact. Because it came up on a Facebook memory survey the other day: 

December whenever 2017:

Question:

When did you meet your significant other? 

A: He isn't officially a significant other, but according to text records: -insert name here- texted me "I'm here" at 9:12 PM on 9/29 and came and knocked on my door. So I know down to the minute when we met (in person). 

And, yeah, because we met on a dating app our texts and actual emails go back farther than that. He has never said a bad thing about me. Even when he told me he moved away with the chick and I was pissed at him. He never not answered a phone call or text or blamed me or said I was bad in bed or mean or ugly or whatever. 

[Jaunty]

My friend - a guy not saying mean things is really nothing to hang your hat on. 

Don't you think he's treated you "mean" ... by dumping you for another woman and not even breaking it off with you?  Or by ignoring you like this?   

I said it in an earlier post, "dismissive and disrespectful."  That's how he treats you.  

Have you had a relationship with a man who treated you well, and you treated him well, and you both were accountable to each other to try to bring your best?  

I hope you have and also that you have that in your future.  If you don't stop wasting your emotions on deadbeats like this person, or on guys that you don't even feel interested in but because they're a man you thing you need to invest, you will be missing out on the good stuff.

[Brooklyn84]

10 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

My friend - a guy not saying mean things is really nothing to hang your hat on. 

Don't you think he's treated you "mean" ... by dumping you for another woman and not even breaking it off with you?  Or by ignoring you like this?   

I said it in an earlier post, "dismissive and disrespectful."  That's how he treats you.  

Have you had a relationship with a man who treated you well, and you treated him well, and you both were accountable to each other to try to bring your best?  

I hope you have and also that you have that in your future.  If you don't stop wasting your emotions on deadbeats like this person, or on guys that you don't even feel interested in but because they're a man you thing you need to invest, you will be missing out on the good stuff.

You said we don't agree that the sex was amazing. I still think it was and he never said it wasn't because (examples of what he was saying in previous post) 

Yes, him leaving with the other girl and him ignoring me now is mean! I'm just saying, he never told me he didn't like the sex, in fact he was always telling me the opposite.

So just because he left with this other girl (but continued to sporadically text me) and because he is ignoring me now I am to believe he thought the sex was bad the whole time and wouldn't be good enough now and has been lying the whole time? I don't want to believe that. 

No. I don't think I have ever truly been with someone who was accountable all the time to be and bring their best. Maybe for the first four or five years that I was together with the boyfriend I lived with for nine years (together almost 12)... But we were actually in counseling trying to figure us out and at what ended up being our third and final session he said, he moved back with his mom because she was offering to let him live there and still work part time and help him out financially when he needed it. Whereas he was claiming I was forcing a 36/37 year old man to go back to school (that I helped pay for and helped him study) to get a better paying job in a better field (that he said he had interest in pursuing) because he really was not making enough money at the time to support himself working part time at his current job and would turn down training and promotions. I was always covering portions of his portions of rent and bills and food and he never made enough to pay me back. I said, I can't afford to constantly carry both of us like this, you need to take the training and promotion offers or go to the school and use the job placement to get a better job. What does he do? Goes through the program, graduates, says he's going on interviews, then one day comes home and says, I'm packing a bag and moving back to my mom's. She paid next months rent so we will be here on such a such a day to get my stuff. Then, yeah, I called him into my counseling sessions and on the last one he says, I forced him to do all this stuff he didn't want to leave his job and his mom is going to help him since I don't understand him and don't want to actually help him.

Where is he now? 43 years old still works at the same part time job and living at his mom's house. Haven't talked to him or wanted to talk to him since he officially moved out in April of 2016. 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Brooklyn84 said:

Where is he now? 43 years old still works at the same part time job and living at his mom's house.

Where are you now? 40 and still pursuing a man who can't be bothered to respond to a photo of your naked breasts for days? Is this what you want for yourself? At least take on a part time job of - taking a hard look at what Jaunty suggested so you stop disrespecting yourself with the lame excuse of but the sex is great. 

[MissCanuck]

Maybe this guy is back with his ex or dating someone else altogether; OP. 

Either way, if he really wanted sex with you, you'd have heard back from him. It's that simple. I am not saying he didn't enjoy sex with you in the past or that he never really wanted to do it again, but he doesn't much seem to care if it happens or not. 

He's a man with options, I am wagering. 

[SophiaG]

13 hours ago, Brooklyn84 said:

Whether while we were together, when he was living with the other girl, when he started telling me he was moving back and during our recent month of texting. It was always we were synching up our schedules, eking out time to see each other at any given time or when he moved and was texting it would be: why did I move away? I wish you lived here. I could really go for seeing you right now, etc... Then it was: When I make the move home I'd want you to blah, blah, blah. Then he moved back and it was: We need to meet up soon. When I finally see you it's going to be perfect. Remember that one time this? We need to do that thing again because it was heaven. I just want to do this and that and all the times we did XYZ because those were the best.

What a whole bunch of baloney. I'm not sure if I'm more amazed by his full of bs or by your continuously enabling and apparently enjoying his bs. So far you've told us he's a man who offers no loyalty, no commitment and no respect. For sure we'd expect he can at least spew out some sweet words - in addition to that magic sex as you see it - of course he wouldn't say the sex was bad or meh - who in their right mind would say that, even if the sex was legitimately bad, even if it's a one night stand and they were never going to see the other person again?? All we are saying is that obviously the sex isn't half that magical to him as it is to you - or he wouldn't be all talk and no action like he has been for years now.

Another thing I can tell from those messages is that he'd always seen the thing between you as sex only, not a relationship or even dating. You might have even been a sidepiece from the get-go. Otherwise people who want to date each other with romantic intentions don't just "sync up schedules and eke out time" to get together when they get horny - they'd be spending time regularly and progressively introducing each other into other areas of their lives so chances are you wouldn't be so blindsided by his sudden upping and moving - you'd have seen/felt signs already.

In all those sexually charged messages he never mentioned loving, liking, or caring for you as a person beyond this and that you can do - presumably sexually - and he had zero remorse or shame for suddenly moving and "dumping” you or continuing to sext/seduce you when he was living with the other girl - presumably his gf at the time? So yes I think he never saw you as someone he was dating or romantically pursuing and he probably always assumed you were aware of that as well as the fact he was with someone else. "Why did I move away?" Really? The audacity is astounding. But what's more astounding is how you seem to be unable or unwilling to see it that way and instead put so much significance on everything about this sleazebag of a man - what he said or didn't say, the date and minute you met, etc. etc. Please ask yourself - why?

[Jaunty]

12 hours ago, Brooklyn84 said:

You said we don't agree that the sex was amazing. I still think it was and he never said it wasn't because (examples of what he was saying in previous post) 

 

12 hours ago, Brooklyn84 said:

 he never told me he didn't like the sex

 

12 hours ago, Brooklyn84 said:

 now I am to believe he thought the sex was bad the whole time and wouldn't be good enough now and has been lying the whole time? I don't want to believe that. 

I am starting to think you're playing games.   

Plenty of people are opportunistic about sex.   If it's available and the person is feeling horny, it's a "go."

And they also might enjoy it very much.

Surely you know this.

I don't crave fast food.  Nope.  Would not choose fast food if anything I preferred was handy.  But, if I'm hungry, I am capable of going for a burger and enjoying it.  

Still, I would never actively seek out a burger when there was food I actually craved around.

If he WANTED you actively he would be all over you.

You know this.  

I hope you have a chance to have sex with him sometime again, since this seems to be your dream scenario.  But, I wish you didn't have such a dismal dream scenario.

[Brooklyn84]

Update. Still haven't heard from 'ex'. 

Still talking to the guy our mutual friend is trying to set me up with. We've had about a solid week of good conversation and we've been planning to meet up after a little over three weeks since introducing ourselves. Here's a screenshot of our latest texts. 

I haven't given him a time yet, but we are supposedly hanging out tomorrow sometime after work. Any advice or just positive vibes sent our way is appreciated. 

(Previously we had just known the cities where we live. His prior text was giving me a more accurate location and asking if it made a difference to meet him around there.)

[Batya33]

Sounds good and I hope you enjoy the first date!

[Connie88]

Drop him he’s playing game keeping you around for a plain be. Go No Contact!! If you take him back he’ll keep doing know their be no consequences. For his action cause this sounds like someone will end up a story on Investigation Discovery.

[Jaunty]

I have my fingers crossed that you're not planning to have your first date inside your home ... in your bed.

I'm old fashioned I guess.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I have my fingers crossed that you're not planning to have your first date inside your home ... in your bed.

I'm old fashioned I guess.

Especially since they're referring to it as hanging out -which is fine as it goes -this is through a mutual friend, maybe one or both don't want to see it as a traditional date but sometimes it's hanging out like netflix and chill etc

[Brooklyn84]

On 1/7/2025 at 8:11 PM, Jaunty said:

I have my fingers crossed that you're not planning to have your first date inside your home ... in your bed.

I'm old fashioned I guess.

It was a Netflix and Chill situation. That's how I actually 'asked him out'. We were talking about movies and he hadn't seen one of my favorites, so I said, you better get on that. It could be a Netflix and Chill situation, but I don't have Netflix. His reply was: Who says you need Netflix for Netflix and Chill? If you want to meet up and watch your favorite movie, I'm game. So we planned it and he showed up on time. He is sooooo cute! I hadn't seen a current pic of him. His Facebook profile pic is from '12 and the few that were public were from '15. My Facebook pic is of my sister's dog and my public photos are '17 and prior. He never asked me for a current pic and I don't know if he peeped my profile. But literally yesterday, I said, oh, I guess this should have been day one message two... Here's solid proof that I know our friend. A pic of her and I at a party in '22. Here's a current pic of me from about a month ago. He never said anything, but he still showed up. We mostly talked about movies or things that were happening in the movies and then it was around 11:30, the second movie was over and he said, unfortunately, I have to go home. I get up for work at six. So I asked, next movie nights at your house? He said, okay and I walked him to the door. 

When he got here I put out my hand and he shook it ... And we were sitting next to each other on the couch, but the only time I touched him was when a movie he chose on Hulu started playing commercials and I was like, no way! And swatted him on his knee. We then switched over to Amazon and rented it so it was commercial free. 

I like him. My worry is that he isn't that interested in me because he didn't make a move and wasn't flirting at all... If he was, I wasn't picking up on it. 

I don't know what to do because I've never been on ANY date where someone didn't at least try to kiss me. I hope I don't get friend zoned. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Brooklyn84 said:

It was a Netflix and Chill situation. That's how I actually 'asked him out'. We were talking about movies and he hadn't seen one of my favorites, so I said, you better get on that. It could be a Netflix and Chill situation, but I don't have Netflix. His reply was: Who says you need Netflix for Netflix and Chill? If you want to meet up and watch your favorite movie, I'm game. So we planned it and he showed up on time. He is sooooo cute! I hadn't seen a current pic of him. His Facebook profile pic is from '12 and the few that were public were from '15. My Facebook pic is of my sister's dog and my public photos are '17 and prior. He never asked me for a current pic and I don't know if he peeped my profile. But literally yesterday, I said, oh, I guess this should have been day one message two... Here's solid proof that I know our friend. A pic of her and I at a party in '22. Here's a current pic of me from about a month ago. He never said anything, but he still showed up. We mostly talked about movies or things that were happening in the movies and then it was around 11:30, the second movie was over and he said, unfortunately, I have to go home. I get up for work at six. So I asked, next movie nights at your house? He said, okay and I walked him to the door. 

When he got here I put out my hand and he shook it ... And we were sitting next to each other on the couch, but the only time I touched him was when a movie he chose on Hulu started playing commercials and I was like, no way! And swatted him on his knee. We then switched over to Amazon and rented it so it was commercial free. 

I like him. My worry is that he isn't that interested in me because he didn't make a move and wasn't flirting at all... If he was, I wasn't picking up on it. 

I don't know what to do because I've never been on ANY date where someone didn't at least try to kiss me. I hope I don't get friend zoned. 

He's not your friend so no friend zone risk. I think he enjoyed hanging out at your place and I think he's not interested in seeing you again as a date thing. The way you set this up was not really a date it was come to my place and we'll watch a movie. He decided not to make a pass at you which might mean something or nothing but my sense is if he left without planning a next date and you asked him out then my sense is he's not going to ask you out on a date.  Also offering to have another hang out is selling yourself short IMO. Let a man step up to the plate and plan an actual date -especially since you suggested the first meet.

[Brooklyn84]

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He's not your friend so no friend zone risk. I think he enjoyed hanging out at your place and I think he's not interested in seeing you again as a date thing. The way you set this up was not really a date it was come to my place and we'll watch a movie. He decided not to make a pass at you which might mean something or nothing but my sense is if he left without planning a next date and you asked him out then my sense is he's not going to ask you out on a date.  Also offering to have another hang out is selling yourself short IMO. Let a man step up to the plate and plan an actual date -especially since you suggested the first meet.

So.... What? I'm not his friend and he isn't interested in me, is that what you're saying? If I'm not his friend why would he say okay to movies at his house? If he isn't interested in me, why would he agree to movies at his house? I don't care if things are classified as actual dates or not. Spending time together and getting to know each other, friend or potential boyfriend or whatever is what I think is important. Are you saying he's going to ghost me now or what? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Brooklyn84 said:

So.... What? I'm not his friend and he isn't interested in me, is that what you're saying? If I'm not his friend why would he say okay to movies at his house? If he isn't interested in me, why would he agree to movies at his house? I don't care if things are classified as actual dates or not. Spending time together and getting to know each other, friend or potential boyfriend or whatever is what I think is important. Are you saying he's going to ghost me now or what? 

It’s not about classified. You referred to it as a date. You’re giving the impression by inviting him to your home to hang out and then asking him for another hang out that you don’t value yourself enough to get to know someone in public on a date that takes effort to plan either him or you or together. No he is not a friend. He is a person you just met. He is an acquaintance. At most. It’s not ghosting if he doesn’t ask you out on a date or follow up. He told you “ok” but you asked to go to his house. So if he changes his mind and doesn’t want you to come to his house despite your suggestion I think it’s ok for him not to follow up.  Maybe he thinks you meant you’d plan the next hang out just different location at his house. It was left vague. Not ghosting. Maybe he was put off by you inviting yourself to his house. Some people are. If you’re interested in getting to know a man you might want a serious relationship with act like it. He was interested in meeting you in person. Doesn’t mean he’s interested in dating you.
He didn’t ask you for a date. You didn’t ask him for a date. Maybe he will in the future. How about trying the approach where you let a man treat you like a lady and ask you out in advance for a date. Or if you like asking men out plan an actual date. Expensive or free.
In public. A shared activity. And show up in public and dress nicely and look nice and walk as if you matter. Talk to him while enjoying an activity. Maybe go for a meal or coffee or hot chocolate.  I truly think you’ll feel better about yourself. 

[Jaunty]

I agree with @Batya33    Go out somewhere!  At least give yourself some practice with actually spending time together because you want to spend time together rather than just getting together for sex.   Don't get me wrong - I am fine with casual sex "booty call" type situations but over the course of this thread you've let us know that that's mostly what you've experienced in your life.  And, you're 40.  Try dating the more old fashioned way if you get a chance.  It can be very fun. 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, Brooklyn84 said:

So I asked, next movie nights at your house? He said, okay and I walked him to the door. 

@Brooklyn84I'm not psychic but it's possible he said "okay" out of politeness versus interest, specifically romantic interest.

That's kinda the vibe I'm getting from his response given what you described about the night in general.  Not a lot happening as far as chemistry goes. 

But wait and see and if/when he reaches out, why not try something new like what @Batya33and @Jauntysuggested? 

Or at least consider it?