Frustrated

[yogacat]

On 12/16/2024 at 6:42 PM, Brooklyn84 said:

Not that it matters, but the blurred word was t.i.t.s. (not a$$) which is why I sent the pic.

I can't say he 1000% won't share the pic somewhere, but he has said many of times that the only pics he shares is his d*** pics. I believe that, because like I said before, he will send d*** pix at any time whether you ask for them or not. 

Examples: Sends D pic... How does this angle look?

Or 

Sends D pic... Having a hard day... 

Just FYI I have dated other people during this 7 years... I'm single at the moment and having held his attention for the longest time since he moved away and back... The past month... I thought he would come back around in person and yes, I wanted him to because the sex is great. I definitely didn't think sending him a pic of all things, would cause him to go silent. 

What more does he need from you if you're willing to send pictures of your breasts? I mean, he's getting what he wants already. Maybe he's just a freak that likes collecting pictures of d**** and breasts and once he has them, he gets his jollies and moves on.

He doesn't sound like he has any interest in you as a person, just a provider of sexy pictures. I know you're ego is taking a hit here, you're thinking, oh my gosh, he won't even respond now that I sent him pictures of my breasts, I must not look good enough. 

[Jaunty]

How did you feel when, 7 years ago, he didn't bother breaking up with you but just moved across state with another woman?   

 

[Brooklyn84]

22 hours ago, yogacat said:

What more does he need from you if you're willing to send pictures of your breasts? I mean, he's getting what he wants already. Maybe he's just a freak that likes collecting pictures of d**** and breasts and once he has them, he gets his jollies and moves on.

He doesn't sound like he has any interest in you as a person, just a provider of sexy pictures. I know you're ego is taking a hit here, you're thinking, oh my gosh, he won't even respond now that I sent him pictures of my breasts, I must not look good enough. 

No. That wasn't my first thought and is still the least of my worries. I'm more worried that I pissed him off or what the real reason is as to why he still hasn't replied. The 'look' of my breasts does not and never has bothered me. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Brooklyn84 said:

No. That wasn't my first thought and is still the least of my worries. I'm more worried that I pissed him off or what the real reason is as to why he still hasn't replied. The 'look' of my breasts does not and never has bothered me. 

If your photo or you sending it annoyed him why would you care? He asked you for a photo and you chose to send it.  If this annoyed him for some odd reason why should that concern you at all? I wouldn't read into it at all - he doesn't feel like interacting with you at this time.  He might in the future and at that time you can decide whether  to respond.

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Brooklyn84 said:

I'm more worried that I pissed him off or what the real reason is as to why he still hasn't replied. 

^^No offense but have you been reading (and understanding) our responses?  

I dunno perhaps your critical thinking skills need some fine tuning but once again, he has no or very little respect for you (behaving as you do), and you got played. 

Period, end of. 

Move on.

Sorry. 

[Brooklyn84]

19 hours ago, Jaunty said:

How did you feel when, 7 years ago, he didn't bother breaking up with you but just moved across state with another woman?   

 

Yeah, I was pissed. But what was I going to do, follow them and move? I know I'm a touch of crazy, but I'm not psychotic. It was probly a good four months before I 'moved on' from it and then I think 6 months or so he started his at random texting and I would randomly text him, too and we always replied in a timely manner to each other. 

The text I most recently sent, he hasn't even read much less replied, so whatever his deal is... I just don't know anymore. 

[Brooklyn84]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If your photo or you sending it annoyed him why would you care? He asked you for a photo and you chose to send it.  If this annoyed him for some odd reason why should that concern you at all? I wouldn't read into it at all - he doesn't feel like interacting with you at this time.  He might in the future and at that time you can decide whether  to respond.

He didn't ask for it. His text was: My junk just wants some nice t.i.t.s to cuddle with. My reply was sending him a topless picture. 

But there has been plenty, I don't even know how many times where he has sent me his D pics and I didn't ask for them. So I didn't think he would care and hoped he would enjoy it... But *crickets* for 13 days. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Brooklyn84 said:

Yeah, I was pissed. But what was I going to do, follow them and move? I know I'm a touch of crazy, but I'm not psychotic. It was probly a good four months before I 'moved on' from it and then I think 6 months or so he started his at random texting and I would randomly text him, too and we always replied in a timely manner to each other. 

The text I most recently sent, he hasn't even read much less replied, so whatever his deal is... I just don't know anymore. 

Nothing to know -he is a person who keeps in random touch and for sex-focused reasons or impersonal reasons. Of course you shouldn't have followed him -you should have recgonized that he was not into you anymore and moved on from being in contact with him beyond maybe an occasional like on a post about something impersonal.  If that. Unless he contacted you, told you he'd made a huge mistake, so wanted you back and wanted at least to be heard out as to why he acted like such an rude jerk to you. Your problem was that you permitted him still to have too much access to you.  

There is no deal - he's like a fly who buzzes around - you're supposed to swat him away and swat away to the periphery of your brain whether he responds or otherwise to a photo of your breasts. It's on you that you sent it expecting some sort of reply let alone something caring or respectful - he is a person who routinely ignores you, treats you like an object- nothing to see her, nothing to analyze.

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Brooklyn84 said:

Yeah, I was pissed. But what was I going to do, follow them and move?

Bolded, no of course not! 

A woman with self-respect who valued herself would have simply moved on and never had anything to do with him ever again.

We teach people how to treat us.

[Batya33]

Just now, Brooklyn84 said:

He didn't ask for it. His text was: My junk just wants some nice t.i.t.s to cuddle with. My reply was sending him a topless picture. 

But there has been plenty, I don't even know how many times where he has sent me his D pics and I didn't ask for them. So I didn't think he would care and hoped he would enjoy it... But *crickets* for 13 days. 

Why do you care if he enjoys a photo of your breasts?Do you think he cares at all what you enjoy sexually or otherwise -you responded to a gross, creepy text by sharing a photo of your breasts? Why?  You didn't think to block him for  treating you like that?? 

[rainbowsandroses]

Last post since you're not responding to what I post anyway.

But a man who respected you would never refer to his genitalia as "junk."  That's how he refers to it with his frat buddies!  Nor would he send you unsolicited "d*ck" pics. 

Unless you are in some sort an established relationship where there is respect and trust, versus this cat and mouse game you're playing, that's just degrading, insulting and gross. 

Straight to trash.

Are you in therapy?  You seem oblivious to all this like you have NO idea what we're talking about, it's weird. 

But good luck.

Last post. 

[Brooklyn84]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you care if he enjoys a photo of your breasts?Do you think he cares at all what you enjoy sexually or otherwise -you responded to a gross, creepy text by sharing a photo of your breasts? Why?  You didn't think to block him for  treating you like that?? 

I wanted him to enjoy it at the moment I sent it because it was like... Obviously he was asking for nice boobs, so I sent him a picture of boobs. I think that's a nice gesture, so why wouldn't he like it? Right now I couldn't care less if he liked the picture, but I still want to know why *him telling me his reason* that he went silent. 

No. I wasn't going to block him for that. Because since he texted a month ago that he moved back to town we had been texting every day or every other day and many times we both said we wanted to meet up. And yes, when I was originally with him he cared what I enjoyed sexually because he would ask and in the month of texting now there have been a few instances where he asked, oh, remember this or that time? Did you really like that or do you still like it now? Or when we meet up would you be into doing this? 

[yogacat]

36 minutes ago, Brooklyn84 said:

No. That wasn't my first thought and is still the least of my worries. I'm more worried that I pissed him off or what the real reason is as to why he still hasn't replied. The 'look' of my breasts does not and never has bothered me. 

For what possible reason could you have pissed him off. He needs to be pissed off. Into oblivion. 😂

[Brooklyn84]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Last post since you're not responding to what I post anyway.

But a man who respected you would never refer to his genitalia as "junk."  That's how he refers to it with his frat buddies!  Nor would he send you unsolicited "d*ck" pics. 

Unless you are in some sort an established relationship where there is respect and trust, versus this cat and mouse game you're playing, that's just degrading, insulting and gross. 

Straight to trash.

Are you in therapy?  You seem oblivious to all this like you have NO idea what we're talking about, it's weird. 

But good luck.

Last post. 

I'm not Oblivious. I understand what you all are saying. I have been in therapy consistently before, but not at the moment... I think the last time I saw a therapist was February of this year. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Brooklyn84 said:

I wanted him to enjoy it at the moment I sent it because it was like... Obviously he was asking for nice boobs, so I sent him a picture of boobs. I think that's a nice gesture, so why wouldn't he like it? Right now I couldn't care less if he liked the picture, but I still want to know why *him telling me his reason* that he went silent. 

No. I wasn't going to block him for that. Because since he texted a month ago that he moved back to town we had been texting every day or every other day and many times we both said we wanted to meet up. And yes, when I was originally with him he cared what I enjoyed sexually because he would ask and in the month of texting now there have been a few instances where he asked, oh, remember this or that time? Did you really like that or do you still like it now? Or when we meet up would you be into doing this? 

I think you have this all wrong -he is using you to get off on by sending you gross and rude texts.  No it's not a nice gesture because it's demeaning to yourself - he was probably shocked that you didn't tell him how rude the comment was and block him and instead you're encouraging him to continue.  

First of all words mean nothing but his words simply mean he wants to meet up to get off and get an orgasm.  He doesn't care about you as a person.  Do you care about you as a person? I wish you would respond in some way to show you do!

[Brooklyn84]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think you have this all wrong -he is using you to get off on by sending you gross and rude texts.  No it's not a nice gesture because it's demeaning to yourself - he was probably shocked that you didn't tell him how rude the comment was and block him and instead you're encouraging him to continue.  

First of all words mean nothing but his words simply mean he wants to meet up to get off and get an orgasm.  He doesn't care about you as a person.  Do you care about you as a person? I wish you would respond in some way to show you do!

That's why it's so odd that he hasn't replied. A. Because he sends me his D pics all the time so why can't I send him pix? And B. He has said way more graphic things in the past than saying he wants to cuddle nice t t/i.ts 

So no. He knows I wouldn't be shocked by him saying that and he shouldn't be shocked by anything I've said, done or didn't do. 

Yes. I care about myself. I wouldn't be alive right now if I didn't. April of last year I checked myself into a mental health facility and ended up staying for 9 days. If I didn't care about myself I wouldn't have been so adamant to seek care and would have independently checked myself out before being medically released. 

[Batya33]

47 minutes ago, Brooklyn84 said:

That's why it's so odd that he hasn't replied. A. Because he sends me his D pics all the time so why can't I send him pix? And B. He has said way more graphic things in the past than saying he wants to cuddle nice t t/i.ts 

So no. He knows I wouldn't be shocked by him saying that and he shouldn't be shocked by anything I've said, done or didn't do. 

Yes. I care about myself. I wouldn't be alive right now if I didn't. April of last year I checked myself into a mental health facility and ended up staying for 9 days. If I didn't care about myself I wouldn't have been so adamant to seek care and would have independently checked myself out before being medically released. 

I suggest you go back into counseling or whatever outside professional resources you can.  You are trying to see a pattern of communication in a situation where the purpose of the communication is transactional - he communicates with you to get sexual thrills either through words or photos.  Not to communicate with you as a person or have a "conversation" - in any actual polite/give and take/friendly sense of the term.  Whatever he did in the past is the past -the understanding is since he sees  you as a sexual object who is fine with being treated as one he need not keep to any pattern or routine -his routine is - when he feels horny it's easy to get you to play along and easy to ejaculate or get off because you're easy, a sure thing in that sense.  And when he's bored with you as a plaything or finds greener pastures he tosses aside the contact knowing that's ok with you too.  It's sad -for  you.  I hope you  get the help you need and I'm glad you've gotten help in the past -that's a very promising thing on your part. Take care of yourself, ok?

[ShySoul]

Given that only one person here has met this guy and she seems to think there is something good about him despite possible questionable behavior, I'm not going to judge him or make assumptions about him.

I'm also not going to question the nature of their relationship or interactions. Just because some people don't think you should share explicit photos like that, doesn't mean that is how it is for everyone.

If you want to share photos and done it in the past, or have no problem with doing it now, that is your choice. I'm sure you are aware of the risks. Your sex life, be it in person or in photos, is really no one's business but your own. No judgements should be made.

2 hours ago, Brooklyn84 said:

Right now I couldn't care less if he liked the picture, but I still want to know why *him telling me his reason* that he went silent. 

The question you wanted answered was why didn't he respond. Everything else is a side issue based off of people's personal opinions and biases regarding the whole concept of what you are doing. If you are okay with what you are doing, it's your call. Or your photo. 😉

Reality is, the only one who knows why he didn't respond is him. Maybe he was just using you for a quick pic. Maybe he really did want to get back together. Maybe it was about sex. Maybe he was thinking of more. Maybe he found someone else. Maybe he had a family emergency or something happened. It could be anything and none of us can know that. 

Being upset and questioning this isn't going to change it. It's not going to make you feel better. You have messaged him. You've tried and done your part. Now it is up to him. Judging from the fact that you have kept in touch after all this time, you will probably hear from him eventually. When you do, if it bothers you this much, have it out. Ask him. Get the answer from the source.

I'd figure out what you want with him and if he wants the same. Decide what kind of relationship you are both okay with. If you are happy with it, truly happy and not lying to yourself about it (and I'm not saying you are, just being careful as this is a touchy subject as you've seen), then do what makes you happy.

 

 

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, Brooklyn84 said:

I care about myself. I wouldn't be alive right now if I didn't. April of last year I checked myself into a mental health facility and ended up staying for 9 days. If I didn't care about myself I wouldn't have been so adamant to seek care and would have independently checked myself out before being medically released. 

I'm glad you are doing better and were strong enough to get help when you needed it. That couldn't have been easy for you. I've also struggled emotionally and mentally, and I know the last thing I needed was people making judgments about my behavior.

Take care of yourself and do what is right for you. Be the person you want to be, one that does things that make them happier and uplifts their spirit. Surround yourself with positivity, not negativity. Interact with those you want to interact with, people who make you feel better about yourself. That can take many different forms. It's up to you to decide what those forms are for you.

I hope you can continue to do well. I, for one, am glad you are alive and wish you nothing but the best in everything you experience.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Brooklyn84 said:

So I didn't think he would care and hoped he would enjoy it... But *crickets* for 13 days. 

Honestly, he's probably got another woman entertaining him. 

This is not a man who cares much about you as a person. Let's get real here. No sense sugar-coating it.  You deserve a man who is into you for more than your body. This man is not it. Please, leave him in your past.

[Jaunty]

OP, I hope you don't feel like people are piling onto you here.   The bottom line is that this is an advice board and when someone seems to be standing there practically begging to be treated with dismissive disrespect,  most of us really really want to convince you that this is no good for you.

I understand that you had a rough upbringing and that you've sought help.  Evidently it has actually benefitted you, thankfully.   

You do have to do your part to overcome self destructive patterns in your journey to become healthy, emotionally.

This means that you must and WILL learn how to recognize people and situations that are toxic for you, and take care of YOURSELF.

Here is an opportunity for you.

[ShySoul]

On 12/18/2024 at 10:01 AM, Brooklyn84 said:

It says message delivered so he hasn't blocked me, but there isn't a seen notification. 

Giving him 24 hours...

Did you ever hear from him? 

I don't feel you are begging to be treated with dismissive disrespect. I think there is something about him that you really do like and have feelings for. I think he has shown signs of being a decent person and those are the parts you are responding to. And I think you have a more casual attitude towards sex, sexting, photos, etc. Whereas others see it as sign a guy is only horny and thus is no good, you are more open.

Problem is, he is also not fully mature and ready for what you appear to want. 

People are complex. It is easy to pile on him and think he is no good. But no one is 100% good or bad. Everyone is a mixture. Your relationship and interactions aren't entirely about sex. So I don't think it's fair to assume that is all he is into. And I don't think it's fair to judge a person for something that happened years ago. Are any of us the same people we were seven years ago?

This is really about you and what you want. This is about doing what is best for your mental health. If this is someone you can't get over, there is a reason for it. There is something about him that you like, something within him that is appealing. Figure out what that is. Figure out if it is worth the downsides that comes with him. Then talk to him. Draw a line on what you want and need. Make clear what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Stand up for yourself and have the relationship that you want with him, whatever that may be.

Believe in yourself. You're an awesome person and deserve something equally awesome.

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I don't feel you are begging to be treated with dismissive disrespect.

You evidently have a different definition of "dismissive disrespect" than many people do. 

Personally, I think that dating the OP and then not even breaking up with her,  but moving across the state with another woman is textbook dismissive and disrespectful.   

You're entitled to your own unique opinion, but in reality this site and the world are full of people who have terrible self esteem and that's why they think that being treated this way is just fine & dandy.   They "like" the guy so it's gotta be okay?  I don't think so.

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I think there is something about him that you really do like and have feelings for.

Obviously.  

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

 think he has shown signs of being a decent person

Where did you get this impression from?  Him just dumping her and moving off with a different woman?  Him sending her pictures of his penis unsolicited while he was with the other woman?  Moving close to her and not even asking her to get together - but sending her a text about how his junk "just" wants some nice t*i*t*s?  

I'm seriously asking what "signs of being a decent person" you've gleaned from her posts.  Because I've read all the words.   

Anyway, abusive people and narcissists (not saying that this man is either) and just run of the mill jerks ALWAYS show "signs of being a decent person."  Otherwise  they would not have any luck getting people to go along with their wishes.  

Finding reasons why this would be a lovely thing to do because someone "has feelings" is not healthy for that person.   

Those of us who have had feelings and become involved with people who are toxic for us don't need help supporting our wishes to remain with them ... because it's what we WANT to do in the moment.

It's like telling a diabetic to eat the cake, come on, eat it, you really want to, so it must be worth it.

That's what I think anyway.

 

[yogacat]

What are some of the feminine traits that men find irresistible. I am not sure it's sending risque' photos, lingerie and flirty messages. This can actually be a turn off for some men, as it can come across as trying too hard or being overly sexual.

What works for a healthy relationship, or, simply speaking a GOOD man, won't work for all men. I see a lot of women apply what went wrong to men that were simply no good for them, and beat themselves up in the process. If a man isn't treating you with respect, communication or kindness...that is a red flag, flirty photos or not.

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Personally, I think that dating the OP and then not even breaking up with her,  but moving across the state with another woman is textbook dismissive and disrespectful.   

You're entitled to your own unique opinion, but in reality this site and the world are full of people who have terrible self esteem and that's why they think that being treated this way is just fine & dandy.   They "like" the guy so it's gotta be okay?  I don't think so.

I did not say he wasn't being dismissive or disrespectful. I said she wasn't begging to be treated dismissive or disrespectful.

My mother was in a physically abusive relationship. My father could have been considered emotionally dismissive and disrespectful much of the time. I saw how it hurt her esteem. I know how it affects a person. I saw first hand how difficult it was to break with the person, the temptation to keep with them or excuse behavior. I would never, and have never, said that behavior is okay.

What I see is that it isn't so easy to break out of it. And being critical of a person doesn't help. What Brooklyn needs is not warning of danger or told what she is doing or feeling and how wrong it is (which is what some posts have done). She needs understanding . She needs compassion. She needs support. She already said she understands her own issues. She has taken steps to address them. I'm trying to give her a sense of understanding, that a person is not judging or being critical, but is actively in her corner to let her know she can do whatever she decides is right for her.

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Him just dumping her and moving off with a different woman?  Him sending her pictures of his penis unsolicited while he was with the other woman?  Moving close to her and not even asking her to get together - but sending her a text about how his junk "just" wants some nice t*i*t*s?  

Do you want to be held as a terrible person for eternity because of a mistake you made years ago? Or would you want a person to hear you out and view you for the actions of today? If they can get over something from seven years ago, then I think that is a good thing.

Where do you see he send pics while he was with the other person. I see he has sent pics in the past. I see they talked while he was with her. I don't see confirmation that happened at the same time.

He moved close to her and they have been texting everyday until this incident. I don't believe this was the only message sent or that they haven't been taling about other things.

Let's get facts straight instead of just seeing one thing: that he sent those photos. 

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I'm seriously asking what "signs of being a decent person" you've gleaned from her posts.  Because I've read all the words. 

They dated eight months. They have kept in contact for years since. Everyone thinks they go together. Unless they have amazing stamina, I doubt sex was the only thing being discussed in all this time. There has to be some connection between them, something that goes deeper then what we have been told. People are also never one thing. No one is entirely bad or good. Everyone has times then can be decent. And everyone has times they can be terrible. 

We don't know there relationship. We know a couple of incidents that admittedly don't pain him in the best light. The easy thing is to assume he is scum and there is nothing good about him. The harder thing is to recognize that a person can be flawed in many ways, but that somewhere inside them might just be a good person. 

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Those of us who have had feelings and become involved with people who are toxic for us don't need help supporting our wishes to remain with them ... because it's what we WANT to do in the moment.

As someone who had feelings and was involved with a person who could have been considered toxic in some ways... I did need support and understanding in my desire to be with them. Because I understood that their toxic behavior was related to something messed up inside of them and that it wasn't the person they really were at the core. All the talk of how messed she was didn't help. It actually pushed me to her more. Because I was the one interacting with her, because I got the glimpses into her that others could not see.

And ultimately, eating that cake was good for me. I learned a lot in the process. I learned about myself. I learned what made a good relationship work. I learned that both sides need to be ready and in the right place. And I learned that I was actually a lot closer to the truth then most people. I learned that compassion and understanding got a lot further then judgements.

I'm not saying he is blameless. I'm not saying she should be with him. I'm not saying he is a great person.

I'm saying people are complex. I'm saying telling someone that another person is trash may not be the best way to get them to see a problem. I'm saying that what is considered acceptable behavior may vary. Believe it or not, there are people who enjoy showing explicit photos and don't think it's a big deal. I'm not doing it. But I'm not going to be critical of them for it. He also didn't ask for her to do it, she did it of her own free will. It's their decision, no one elses, and they don't deserve such judgement and hate for it.

Most of all, I'm saying for her to figure out what she wants. I'm wanting her to pursue that. I want her happiness, and the person that knows best what will make her happy is her. We aren't her. We can say what we think of people (albeit one we have never interacted with), but this is about her and figuring out what she is feeling inside of her.