Does my husband’s best friend have feelings for me?

[RoadPower6970]

 

Hey everyone. I (32F) am brand new here so sorry if this is too long, but here goes. I've been wondering lately if my husbands best friend (49M) has feelings for me. He is married too and has an adult daughter. He (best fiend) is a very reserved person and not touchy feely at all. My husband has shared with me he doesn't like hugs etc much but he does hug my husband. Well, after a few months of knowing me he started getting kinda touchy with me. He and my husband do track events and they can have passengers in the car. My husband’s car was broken for a while so I rode with his best friend. Well I noticed he seemed to be "showing off" a bit on the track with his driving. After that he told my husband he "did it just for his girlfriend " referring to me as his girlfriend and touched my face. He also patted me on the butt, but my husband took both of these events as his friend just being comfortable with me.

 

When his (best friend's) wife and daughter were out of town he was trying to get my husband and I to stay with him in his camper at the track and my husband said he couldn't so then he (best friend) told me to just come by myself. Husband thought this was weird, but said he trusted his friend and if I wanted to that was fine. I felt like it was weird and obviously didn't go.

 

The last time we got together for lunch he hugged me goodbye and kissed me on the back of the neck. This is when I really started to think something was going on. This isn't all that makes me think he has feelings for me but these are the main happenings.  What do y’all think?

[Batya33]

I think he is behaving inappropriately. I think it's really strange that you are allowing it.  Why aren't you telling him or showing him that this is inappropriate?

[TeeDee]

Maybe but maybe he just doesn't have good social skills.  Joking around & being comfortable with your SOs friends is one thing but there still need to be boundaries.  

I have a male work friend; a lot of people including my actual husband call this guy my work husband even though we don't work for the same company.  In our industry there are a lot of overlapping events & he & I often attend together (not overnight).   That guy started calling my husband "the competition."  The two men joke about it but other than an occasional hug hello the work husband & I don't touch much. 

The idea that you would stay overnight in the guy's camper is a bridge too far for my tastes.  I'd back away from this guy & only interact with him when your husband is present. 

 

[smackie9]

All I get from that is ewwwww, that's so creepy. You need to communicate to your husband that his "friend" is overstepping his boundaries with you inappropriately, and he needs to address it with him personally pronto!

[rainbowsandroses]

I don't think he has "feelings" for you but it's possible he's grooming you to have a foursome lol.😅

I'm being serious, it's happened to me.

What does your husband think about his behavior?

[bluecastle]

Do you want him to have feelings for you? Do you like the way he treats you? Is it having a negative or positive effect on your marriage to your husband?

In ways these seem like the more important questions. I can sit here in the bleacher seats and hypothesize that, yeah, dude is into you. But just as easily I can riff on how, no, dude just has one of those boundary-less personalities.

So ultimately it's your own boundaries, and desires, that matter. Those you can change. Wouldn't be so hard to put a delicate to end to this behavior, as I see it.  

[MissCanuck]

He's a creep.

Why is it important for you to know if he has feelings for you? 

[RoadPower6970]

I have tried to talk to my husband about it but he insists his friend is just comfortable with me and likes me (as a friend). He’s not worried or jealous in any way. And I think that’s why I never said anything. I like his friend and don’t want to hurt his feelings. I don’t find him creepy, but am a bit suspicious of his behaviors. If he has feelings for me I’d prefer he be upfront about it so I can be honest with him. I don’t like wondering. I do also wonder if it’s a big deal for him to be this comfortable with someone so I don’t want to squash his confidence, but at the same time it seems like he’s showing signs he likes me as more than just a friend. I was just wanting to know how others saw the situation. 

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, RoadPower6970 said:

so I don’t want to squash his confidence

What does he need confidence about? 

This man is married, no? He should be more concerned about having appropriate boundaries with other women, especially is own friend's wife. 

19 minutes ago, RoadPower6970 said:

I was just wanting to know how others saw the situation. 

I see a sleezy man. Patting youo butt and kissing your neck? Nope. I would tell him to get his hands and lips off me, personally. Gross. 

[Andrina]

So you will eat your own upsets to save this guy's feelings? People can't read your mind, and if he lacks the social skills to know not to touch a woman who is not his romantic partner on the butt and to kiss her neck, then he needs to be schooled. Why should you suffer because he's either an idiot or a pervert?

IMO, it will be less awkward for him if you speak up for yourself. I'd say: I should have told you before, but I'm not comfortable hugging people except for my husband and a few others I'm especially close to. Thanks for understanding.

If you choose the alternative of asking your husband to let the guy know for you, that's your choice. Your husband should have your back above any others, even if he sees it differently than you.

In your shoes, I'd also lessen my time around your husband's friend. Let your husband know you prefer he hang out with him by himself most of the time, versus a lot of togetherness double dating, etc. Do you two have other couple friends you can hang out with? 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[shouldhavelearned]

Stay away and speak to your husband 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, RoadPower6970 said:

He also patted me on the butt

 

5 hours ago, RoadPower6970 said:

When his (best friend's) wife and daughter were out of town he was trying to get my husband and I to stay with him in his camper at the track and my husband said he couldn't so then he (best friend) told me to just come by myself.

Yeah, that guy wants an affair. And is pretty open about that.

Its an awkward position. Yes, you can tell your husband but that doesnt mean he would stop hanging out with him as men can be oblivious about stuff like that. But what you can do is to cut off you hanging out with him. Completely. That means no staying with him alone at all. No hanging out at all if possible. If you have to, invent that you cant do it because you have other things planned. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, RoadPower6970 said:

If he has feelings for me I’d prefer he be upfront about it so I can be honest with him. I don’t like wondering.

Right. Sounds like you're the one with the feelings.

His behavior would be the only thing you'd need to address if it bothered you, and you could do it gently without any need for him to say a thing.

Your focus is not on managing that. You want a confession. Why is that important to you?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Right. Sounds like you're the one with the feelings.

His behavior would be the only thing you'd need to address if it bothered you, and you could do it gently without any need for him to say a thing.

Your focus is not on managing that. You want a confession. Why is that important to you?

I agree and in this case there is no trying.  There's doing and not doing. If you're so concerned about hurting the feelings of someone who is pawing you in this way and acting in this way, I smell a rat.

Also if he had feelings for you as a whole person -if he cared for you and felt romantically for you and was a person of character and integrity he'd never want you to know or his friend -your husband to know. So sometimes we can sense that and you might see him stare at you a second too long or perhaps a smile that seemed- too wide- or a comment to the two of you about how wonderful you are that might reflect -maybe something? But he wouldn't treat you like a bunch of private parts to be randomly pawed when the opportunity was there and act like a creep. If you mean does he have sexual feelings for you - I mean sure it sounds like he finds you sexually attractive and chooses to act on it by treating you like an object. 

Why in the world do you care if he has those sorts of feelings? Other than to figure -seems so -and he's acting like a creep so I'd better put an end to that ASAP and directly so there's no mistaking it.  Would it "hurt his confidence" -yes his arrogance in treating you like a piece of meat and maybe you'd be saving the other women he likely does this too if you finally put him in his place.

[Jaunty]

Super creep.  I'm sorry that you seem to be falling for it, it's pretty low behavior.  I mean patting your butt and kissing your neck are absolutely sleaze moves.

[RoadPower6970]

59 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree and in this case there is no trying.  There's doing and not doing. If you're so concerned about hurting the feelings of someone who is pawing you in this way and acting in this way, I smell a rat.

Also if he had feelings for you as a whole person -if he cared for you and felt romantically for you and was a person of character and integrity he'd never want you to know or his friend -your husband to know. So sometimes we can sense that and you might see him stare at you a second too long or perhaps a smile that seemed- too wide- or a comment to the two of you about how wonderful you are that might reflect -maybe something? But he wouldn't treat you like a bunch of private parts to be randomly pawed when the opportunity was there and act like a creep. If you mean does he have sexual feelings for you - I mean sure it sounds like he finds you sexually attractive and chooses to act on it by treating you like an object. 

Why in the world do you care if he has those sorts of feelings? Other than to figure -seems so -and he's acting like a creep so I'd better put an end to that ASAP and directly so there's no mistaking it.  Would it "hurt his confidence" -yes his arrogance in treating you like a piece of meat and maybe you'd be saving the other women he likely does this too if you finally put him in his place.

I guess because my husband said not to say anything because it’d hurt his friend’s feelings. I have tried to not step on any toes. I don’t have romantic feelings for him, but I do pity him. I think I’ll talk to my husband and ask him to say something to him so I don’t have to deal with his response and avoid in the meantime. 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, RoadPower6970 said:

I guess because my husband said not to say anything because it’d hurt his friend’s feelings.

That makes zero sense, sorry. 

You are uncomfortable and yet your husband prefers you keep your mouth shut? Something is really wrong in your marriage if that's the case. 

Do you like this man? 

[LotusBlack]

Why should you pity a man who is married with a child, has a best friend, has a job, etc.? What is there to pity about his life circumstances? He has more than most.

Also, your husband isn’t the one who needs to approve (or not) another person hitting you on the bottom or kissing your neck. The only person who has to be okay (or not) with that is you. An ex of mine LOVED hitting me on the bottom and I HATED it. I’m not a piece of meat to be slapped about. Sure, some couples find it fine and fun, mischievous and flirty, not me. Not from my partner and definitely not from someone I’m not involved with romantically/physically.

Your husband shouldn’t be the one to determine what you are and are not comfortable with, that comes from you. Like the others, I would find this WILDLY inappropriate behaviour and would be most unhappy if my husband was okay with another man treating me in such a manner, particularly when he is aware of how uncomfortable I am feeling. I’d be questioning my marriage and whether or not I’m willing to stay in it.

Aside from that, I would be distancing myself from this friend indefinitely. I wouldn’t even bother having a conversation with him about it because he’s not stupid; he knows this is inappropriate behaviour and this is not a matter of him not recognising social ques, because he doesn’t behave this way with your husband or others. If he wouldn’t behave this way with your husband, then that is a clear sign he isn’t behaving in a purely platonic, appropriate manner. He knows what he’s doing. 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, RoadPower6970 said:

I guess because my husband said not to say anything because it’d hurt his friend’s feelings. I have tried to not step on any toes. I don’t have romantic feelings for him, but I do pity him. I think I’ll talk to my husband and ask him to say something to him so I don’t have to deal with his response and avoid in the meantime. 

Well no that's not ok - why in the world wouldn't you tell your husband "my feelings are I am being touched without my permission on my private parts. If it hurts his feelings that's a positive so he will stop harassing me and think twice before he does this to someone else and gets into legal trouble or has the crap beaten out of him".  Yes there are rare exceptions. If his friend had a disorder where he truly couldn't help it or had dementia/alzheimers or some condition where he acted strangely. Even then but sure that could be a reason.

For sure your husband should talk to his friend as in "I feel uncomfortable when you touch my wife and say what you've said and she feels the same. Please stop."

I am sure I "hurt" feelings of family friends and relatives when I told them firmly and politely no they could not touch my infant no they couldn't come inside my house with a bad cold when my son was an infant and we had a flu epidemic raging.  Sometimes I had to repeat myself. My priority was protecting my infant's health not accommodating someone's desire to get in his personal space and touch him/expose him.  This is health too -your emotional health and your right not to be touched like that without your permission. 

[Andrina]

How is it that he's your husband's best friend, yet you only met him a few ago?

I'd be telling my husband I'm disappointed that he values his friend's feelings over mine. That certainly would forever change how I viewed my husband. Certainly not in a good way, and I could no longer trust he had my best interests at heart.

If you refuse to speak to the man and your husband refuses, then let your husband know you will never again be in the man's presence so he would no longer be allowed in your house. The husband can meet with him without you. If you can't even have your own back and let things continue on without change, then that's your choice to continue to be physically harassed.

[RoadPower6970]

11 hours ago, Andrina said:

How is it that he's your husband's best friend, yet you only met him a few ago?

I'd be telling my husband I'm disappointed that he values his friend's feelings over mine. That certainly would forever change how I viewed my husband. Certainly not in a good way, and I could no longer trust he had my best interests at heart.

If you refuse to speak to the man and your husband refuses, then let your husband know you will never again be in the man's presence so he would no longer be allowed in your house. The husband can meet with him without you. If you can't even have your own back and let things continue on without change, then that's your choice to continue to be physically harassed.

I met him a few years ago when my husband and I were starting to develop a relationship. He didn’t like me at first. These events happened over the last year and a half.

It definitely has made me wonder about my husband. He says of it was anyone else he’d be worried but he trusts this friend. I guess I felt like I was being told I was overreacting when I told my husband I didn’t like the touching so I shut up. Seeing all this feedback about how others think this is wrong too is helping a lot. I told my husband today I don’t want to be around him anymore and I think he’s maybe coming around. Even if he’s not I’m not going near his friend again. It’s too awkward. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, RoadPower6970 said:

met him a few years ago when my husband and I were starting to develop a relationship. He didn’t like me at first. These events happened over the last year and a half.

Why do you think he likes you now? Sounds like he's treating you with disrespect and offensively like a piece of meat. He likes your private parts now and he likes being this person who can treat someone else who's t here for the grabbing and pawing and apparently knows or senses your husband isn't going to stand in the way.  That doesn't sound like he likes you in any healthy way. How did he show he didn't like you from your perspective? 

[smackie9]

So your husband gas lit you trying to convince you his friend is not violating you to keep this friendship intact. So no matter your husband is blowing you off when you have concerns. That's disrespectful don't you think? I'm glad you have set your own boundaries to not be around this guy anymore. Stick to you guns, stand up for yourself.

[RoadPower6970]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you think he likes you now? Sounds like he's treating you with disrespect and offensively like a piece of meat. He likes your private parts now and he likes being this person who can treat someone else who's t here for the grabbing and pawing and apparently knows or senses your husband isn't going to stand in the way.  That doesn't sound like he likes you in any healthy way. How did he show he didn't like you from your perspective? 

He used to make fun of me a lot. I told my husband (then boyfriend) that it hurt my feelings. Husband said he was just joking. His friend was also just cold toward me. Once he knew I wasn’t going anywhere and I went to the track with them (camping with my husband not him lol) he started to be very nice to me. He stopped acting like a jerk and seemed to be nicer to me than to others. That’s when my husband said “yeah, he likes you. He thinks you’re cool.” But he started being nicer to me than he is to my husband and that combined with all the stuff I listed in the original post makes me think he has a thing for me. An example is I called him to ask a question for my husband and he just kept talking to me. I didn’t mind it at the time, but it also made me feel weird when afterwards my husband said “he’s never talked to me on the phone for that long. He likes you more than he likes me though.” Maybe everyone here is right and he’s just being sleazy and that’s certainly a possibility. Husband says no he’s just comfortable with me and likes me. To me it’s just a bit much. I’m all for being nice but the other things are more than I feel a husband’s friend should be comfortable doing. He isn’t touchy with other people… I hardly even see him kiss his own wife. So I guess either way the boundary is set of if I see him again like at the track my husband will be there and know I’m not ok with close interaction.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, RoadPower6970 said:

Husband says no he’s just comfortable with me and likes me.

I find it completely bizarre that your husband is okay with this man's hands and lips on you this way. 

That's equally as concerning as this man's behaviour. 

Has there ever been any talk of a threesome with all of you? I don't ask that to be funny, either. There is something very odd about both of these men and their conduct with you.