My girlfriend says I gaslight her, but am I?

[saddguy99]

My girlfriend and I have been having a few issues lately. 

The main issue I find is this, - she's a very sensitive person and gets upset easily. There's times where I unintentionally upset her. When I do this, I often explain to her that I never intended to upset her, and explain why I said or did what I did. But when I do this, she says she does not care and I am gaslighting her which I find very frustrating.

For example - Last night we had a fight. We were planning to watch a movie together last night. I asked her when she is sleeping and she said she doesn't know when. I got home late and started gaming for a bit, with the intention with watching a movie with her after. I even asked her if it's ok to do so, and she said 'can't we just watch something?' I told her i really want to play  1 game and i'll be quick (5 minutes) she said that's fine.

Afterwards she was very upset with me because she said that i knew she was sleeping early, and why would I chose to game over her. HONESTLY - I did not know and if she had clearly told me she was not cool with me gaming i 100% would not of, and would of listened to her. I kindly told her that i  didn't intend to upset her, and i thought she was ok with me gaming, and that i wish she had communicated to me she was sleeping early so we could spend time together. But when i say these things, she always says i'm gaslighting her, insulting her, doesnt' care etc. It just sucks i feel like i try so hard to do the right thing and when things go wwrong try and have a civil discussion but then she just says thesethings tome. I feel like im walking on egg shells and i cant even explain things and she enver seems to care about my intentions

please help!

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Should have watched the movie 

[Coily]

Sounds like she is gaslighting YOU.

Now there will be a lot of people throwing out that you have a gaming addiction or some non-sense; rather than reading that you would have prioritized her, if she could have communicated clearly. Unfortunately she chose to use the cliche trap of "that's fine." and now you're here.

Personally I wouldn't stand such a crap attitude from someone who is supposedly in love with me. She needs to learn to communicate like a mature adult, not pout and throw temper tantrums like a child.  I don't want to disparage her, but she is causing these problems in your relationship by not respecting you with clear communication.

It would have been fine if she said she was going to bed early and if you blew her off and played a game for 8 hours. But she went woman-child and expected you to read her mind. Sorry to harp on that, but far too often lack of clear mature communication gets glossed over when tears get shed.

If you want to try and salvage things, write her a letter expressing things from your point of view. She may need to see things in black and white to realize that she is playing an outsized role in these problems. But, I don't think she wants to change, she wants to crush you into submission into the "right man."

[saddguy99]

33 minutes ago, Coily said:

Sounds like she is gaslighting YOU.

Now there will be a lot of people throwing out that you have a gaming addiction or some non-sense; rather than reading that you would have prioritized her, if she could have communicated clearly. Unfortunately she chose to use the cliche trap of "that's fine." and now you're here.

Personally I wouldn't stand such a crap attitude from someone who is supposedly in love with me. She needs to learn to communicate like a mature adult, not pout and throw temper tantrums like a child.  I don't want to disparage her, but she is causing these problems in your relationship by not respecting you with clear communication.

It would have been fine if she said she was going to bed early and if you blew her off and played a game for 8 hours. But she went woman-child and expected you to read her mind. Sorry to harp on that, but far too often lack of clear mature communication gets glossed over when tears get shed.

If you want to try and salvage things, write her a letter expressing things from your point of view. She may need to see things in black and white to realize that she is playing an outsized role in these problems. But, I don't think she wants to change, she wants to crush you into submission into the "right man."

Thanks your response. I appreciate it.

This is why i'm getting so frustrated, because my intentions are always good willed, and my concern is with her. I never deliberately chose to ignore her, or be mean to her or anything!  Yet despite this, i seem to be coming up short and upsetting her. 

I've tried explaining to her, using logic, being really methodical, patient , calm (never swearing, or being angry) yet every time i do she just never seems to understand or care what my intention is, she always responds "but you did X, but you did Y" (so what i intended doesn't seem to matter). 

😞 I've never been in such a relationship before like this.  

Additionally - she can't seem to understand that she herself contributes to me upsetting her, i tried to raise this with her and she went NUCLEAR saying how it's really "***E UP" to  say such a thing.

[SophiaG]

Your gf sounds like one of those who use the term "gaslight" very loosely. To be fair many people are like that nowadays, but it can get old really quick for sure.

A few clarifying questions:

Did you actually play only for 5 minutes or significantly longer?

Does your girlfriend usually go to bed early? Were you able to watch something later?

Has this been a recurring problem (she was upset with you choosing gaming instead of spending time with her before)?

 

[saddguy99]

55 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Your gf sounds like one of those who use the term "gaslight" very loosely. To be fair many people are like that nowadays, but it can get old really quick for sure.

A few clarifying questions:

Did you actually play only for 5 minutes or significantly longer?

Does your girlfriend usually go to bed early? Were you able to watch something later?

Has this been a recurring problem (she was upset with you choosing gaming instead of spending time with her before)?

 

Yes i swear only about 5 max 10 minutes

No, we usually go to bed 1030-11pm, so i assumed we still had time 

We watched a little bit but only for a few minutes before things escalated. 

No it hasn't been a recurring problem.

The recurring problem is I keep seem to be unintendingly upsetting her.

Last week, a similar thing happened, she was ranting to me about work , I listened, emphasized with her etc. At the end of it, she said "sorry for ranting to you, i hope i'm not a burden" , i said no it's fine. Then she got very upset at me because I was meant to give her more reassurance rather than 'it's ok/it's fine'. To be honest, she has asked me to do this before , but i genuinely forgot, because i was tired and had a big day, again she didn't' seem to care, it just feels so harsh sometimes.

Like i have good intentions, i try my best, i listen to her etc, I say or do one thing wrong by accident and she gets super upset. It usually takes her very long to get over it aswell, i'm talking days.

[sunday_luthier]

1 hour ago, saddguy99 said:

Yes i swear only about 5 max 10 minutes

No, we usually go to bed 1030-11pm, so i assumed we still had time 

We watched a little bit but only for a few minutes before things escalated. 

No it hasn't been a recurring problem.

The recurring problem is I keep seem to be unintendingly upsetting her.

Last week, a similar thing happened, she was ranting to me about work , I listened, emphasized with her etc. At the end of it, she said "sorry for ranting to you, i hope i'm not a burden" , i said no it's fine. Then she got very upset at me because I was meant to give her more reassurance rather than 'it's ok/it's fine'. To be honest, she has asked me to do this before , but i genuinely forgot, because i was tired and had a big day, again she didn't' seem to care, it just feels so harsh sometimes.

Like i have good intentions, i try my best, i listen to her etc, I say or do one thing wrong by accident and she gets super upset. It usually takes her very long to get over it aswell, i'm talking days.

From what you are describing, she is putting you in charge of regulating her own emotions.  This is not your job.  You shouldn't feel like you are at risk of saying something "wrong" at any time.  

Your gf seemingly lacks emotional maturity.  Do not put up with this.  Do not engage with what is probably her manipulation tactic to have control over you.  

When she wants to escalate things, tell her kindly that you are not interested in having this discussion and try to change the subject to something lighter.  If she then pouts and gives you a prolonged silent treatment, tell her kindly that you feel the mood is too tense and that you'd rather go home (if you don't live together) or retreat to another room.  Be firm, but gentle.  

Be aware that there's a good chance that she won't change. 

But she might.  I've seen it happen in a couple I am friends with.  In the beginning, she tried to get her way by telling her bf that if he didn't do this or say that, it probably meant he didn't really love her.  He reacted very swiftly by laughing and telling her that her she was silly to think her emotional blackmailing would work on him.  That was 15 years ago.  They now laugh about it together, like a healthy couple.

Good luck navigating this.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, saddguy99 said:

The recurring problem is I keep seem to be unintendingly upsetting her.

No, the problem is that she lacks emotional maturity and behaves like a child. 

I would be clear with her that you will not continue to be her emotional punching bag, and if she thinks you're such a terrible boyfriend, you will bow out of her life and let her find someone more suited. 

My guess is that she will stomp her feet, but also think next time before she throws a tantrum on you. If nothing changes, well, you would be wise to re-evaluate if this is really the relationship you want - one in which your motives and character are frequently under attack. I wouldn't stand for that, personally. 

[Kwothe28]

I had one like that. They expect you to read their minds and do exactly like that even though they say differently. I say that I am coming to see her as we agreed, she says she has to study so it would be better some other day. I say OK. Anyway when we saw each other some other day she gets mad because "I should have fought more to see her". Yours is like that as well. She expected you to choose watching the movie with her instead of gaming. Even though she said its OK for you to do it. 

Honestly, its exhausting. They expect you to do exactly how they want you to do it and nothing else. Otherwise they get mad. It will eat you up emotionally. As you do nothing wrong and still get criticism. You should rethink if its really worth to have somebody as a partner who would do this stuff to you. Especially because its a reoccurring issue.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I would be clear with her that you will not continue to be her emotional punching bag, and if she thinks you're such a terrible boyfriend, you will bow out of her life and let her find someone more suited. 

^^This!!  1000%.

You say you walk on eggshells, that's on you I'm afraid, stop trying to "make nice" and stop placating her!   By doing so, you're actually enabling her nonsense whether you realize it or not. 

If I may ask, why do you choose this for yourself?   She sounds ridiculous and exhausting.

You need to be stronger here.  If it means the end of your relationship so be, no great loss as far as I'm concerned, and I'm female!

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

When she wants to escalate things, tell her kindly that you are not interested in having this discussion and try to change the subject to something lighter.  If she then pouts and gives you a prolonged silent treatment, tell her kindly that you feel the mood is too tense and that you'd rather go home (if you don't live together) or retreat to another room.  Be firm, but gentle.  

I agree with this^ for the most part with the exception of "tell her kindly" and "be gentle."

@saddguy99 better to tell her "assertively" and be "firm."  

Kind and gentle is partly what got you into this mess; I'm NOT suggesting you be cruel but stop trying to placate her, as you said, walking on eggshells. 

There is no need for you to do that. 

Be strong, she's behaving like an entitled spoiled brat. 

She may even start respecting you more for it because sorry to say right now she seems to be lacking that.

 

[sunday_luthier]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with this^ for the most part with the exception of "tell her kindly" and "be gentle."

@saddguy99 better to tell her "assertively" and be "firm."  

Kind and gentle is partly what got you into this mess; I'm NOT suggesting you be cruel but stop trying to placate her, as you said, walking on eggshells. 

There is no need for you to do that. 

Be strong, she's behaving like an entitled spoiled brat. 

She may even start respecting you more for it because sorry to say right now she seems to be lacking that.

 

The reason I suggest to do so gently is to avoid her spinning it around to make HIM seem like the agressive one.  But I agree that she needs to know you're putting your foot down.  If it means crushing some eggshells, so be it.

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

The reason I suggest to do so gently is to avoid her spinning it around to make HIM seem like the agressive one. 

She may very well do that, but if he's grounded within himself and respects himself, he will simply do what you suggested and leave the scene, go home.

We teach people how to treat us.  It may take awhile for it to sink in (or maybe they'll never get it) but in any event, you stayed true to yourself knowing there was probably nothing you could have done anyway. 

JMO

[rainbowsandroses]

Also to add, sometimes people need a jolt to their system before they "get it."  That's why often times we see people looking back at their poor behavior when a partner leaves and ends the relationship.

I may get heat for saying this but in this particular situation she should fear losing him while he should not fear losing her. 

He shouldn't care how she responds to his assertiveness imo.   If she throws a tantrum, it's just the same nonsense and at that point, he should consider walking away. 

If upon reflection, she wants to make changes, she knows where to find him.

[sunday_luthier]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I may get heat for saying this but in this particular situation she should fear losing him while he should not fear losing her. 

 

Yes !!

[Batya33]

As an aside if it's going to be 10 minutes not 5 and timeliness is important say 10 minutes because it is twice as long and in time sensitive situations that can matter a lot especially if the person is sleep deprived -but again this is as an aside if she specifically told you her  timing and if you are gaming which is a fun thing not an essential thing.  I agree with the others and I too am tired of overuse and misuse of gaslighting.  Gaslighting would be you telling her "you know when I say 5 minutes I really mean at least 15 because you know I can't stop gaming after only 5 minutes- so you shouldn't be upset!"

 

[saddguy99]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^This!!  1000%.

You say you walk on eggshells, that's on you I'm afraid, stop trying to "make nice" and stop placating her!   By doing so, you're actually enabling her nonsense whether you realize it or not. 

If I may ask, why do you choose this for yourself?   She sounds ridiculous and exhausting.

You need to be stronger here.  If it means the end of your relationship so be, no great loss as far as I'm concerned, and I'm female!

 

I am ugly and short, I also have a disease that i nearly died from that may even return in the future,

i don't have many options and get very lonely.

I really wish i had a positive, happy, enthusiastic girlfirend. 

That's life i guess.

[Coily]

2 hours ago, saddguy99 said:

I am ugly and short, I also have a disease that i nearly died from that may even return in the future,

i don't have many options and get very lonely.

I really wish i had a positive, happy, enthusiastic girlfirend. 

That's life i guess.

I am very sorry to hear about your illness, but don't accept abject misery so you won't be lonely.

In light of this, I see your GF in a much more negative light; she has you emotionally trapped and is weaponizing that. Start setting yourself milestones of assertiveness in your relationship. Some of it can be as simple as leaving the room when she throws a tantrum. But make it clear you expect her respect, just as you have given her respect.

[smackie9]

What this is, is the lack of proper communication. She seems to think you are a mind reader, should "Just KNOW", and her "hints" of what she wants should be adequate enough for you to understand. So when you don't pick up on her intentions/expectations, she feels you are disrespecting her. It's very much an ego thing. She wants you to be intune with her completely because to her that means being totally committed to her emotionally. So when you turn to gaming, she feels ignored/dumped/not a priority/you don't care. To properly communicate anything of this to her can't be done through normal means if her response is her going nuclear...she needs counselling/therapy. And if that's just too much/not worth it, then I say it's time to get the hell out of there.

[SophiaG]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

What this is, is the lack of proper communication. She seems to think you are a mind reader, should "Just KNOW", and her "hints" of what she wants should be adequate enough for you to understand. So when you don't pick up on her intentions/expectations, she feels you are disrespecting her. It's very much an ego thing. She wants you to be intune with her completely because to her that means being totally committed to her emotionally. So when you turn to gaming, she feels ignored/dumped/not a priority/you don't care. To properly communicate anything of this to her can't be done through normal means if her response is her going nuclear...she needs counselling/therapy. And if that's just too much/not worth it, then I say it's time to get the hell out of there. Let her find her own shelp that will serve her/pamper her/do everything she wants at the drop of a hat. 

It's either this or she enjoys torturing you emotionally, which I hope is not the case.

She might also be very young and lacks experience in a relationship. When I was younger I had my own foolish moments of getting very upset over small things like this and expecting a partner to act in a certain way without asking him to (there was always the underlying assumption "if you do it because I told you so, it's not genuine/of your own accord"). I can also imagine getting mad at a boyfriend who says "no you're fine" to "I hope I'm not a burden to you" after venting to him. But to be fair, that "I hope I'm not a burden to you" sounds like a trap. I don't think I'd actually say something like that.

After many disappointments and a few failed relationships, I no longer felt (mostly) my partner needs to read my mind and would communicate what I expect/desire instead. If a boyfriend says "no you're fine" to me now? I'd pout and say "hey, you're supposed to say XYZ instead!!" Then we'd laugh and wrestle each other to bed and kiss until we are out of breath. I prefer it much better this way.

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, saddguy99 said:

I am ugly and short, I also have a disease that i nearly died from that may even return in the future,

i don't have many options and get very lonely.

I really wish i had a positive, happy, enthusiastic girlfirend. 

That's life i guess.

My concern would be that having a stressful girlfriend might trigger its return.

While I'm sympathetic to your case, I wouldn't tolerate being treated this way--by anyone. Next complaint, I'd tell her that since I'm damned by her no matter what I say or do, I'm about ready to give up on trying to please her.

If she's still defensive after that, rather than taking a step back, I'd tell her that I'm walking away while I still think highly of her, and she's welcome to contact m when she's in a better mood. And I'd mean it--I'd go.

[TeeDee]

On 12/12/2024 at 7:27 AM, saddguy99 said:

I am ugly and short, I also have a disease that i nearly died from that may even return in the future,

i don't have many options and get very lonely.

I really wish i had a positive, happy, enthusiastic girlfirend. 

That's life i guess.

It sounds like you have a self esteem issue.  

That said you still don't have to put up with being treated poorly.  I agree with whoever said she is gas lighting you. 

One way to deal with this may be to reframe how you communicate by repeating what she says so you can confirm your understanding in the moment. 

When you asked her what time she wanted to go to sleep you needed to repeat her answer back to her.  Like this: 

You:  what time will you be going to sleep? 

Her: I don't know. 

You:  OK.  You don't know what time you will be going to sleep so unless you tell me otherwise I will assume normal time between 10:30 -- 11 pm.

Do you see how that clarifies things? 

The later exchange about the gaming is what got you in trouble. 

You:  Is it OK if I play a game now?  

Her:  Can't we just watch something? [translation:  no it's not OK to play; I want you to pay attention to me] 

You:  I really want to play a game for 5 minutes. 

Her:  Fine

The above is where you went wrong.  "Fine" never indicates permission; it means do it at your own peril.  

[Cherylyn]

Tell her that she should've told you from the beginning that she was sleeping early instead of telling you she didn't know when she would sleep.  She told you it would be fine for you to do your gaming for 5 minutes.

She's not articulately communicating with you.  She is not clear with her words and intentions.  This is the problem and an argument could've been avoided. 

Gaslighting is deflecting,  changing the subject,  not being held accountable and words deliberately used to confuse and question your perception of the facts. 

Your girlfriend doesn't speak clearly which causes a lot of mixed messages and results in heated arguments. 

She needs to express exactly what is on her mind otherwise another fight ensues. 

Discuss this lack of clear communication and have her work on it.  She says one thing and means another which doesn't make for a sound relationship.