Was I unreasonable to 'tell off' my husband for chatting to woman at work?

[emily02]

There's this younger woman at my husband's work, late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if husband has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!

Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes, and skinny-curvy body.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask my husband whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed my husband's change in behaviour- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for my husband anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder if I'm unreasonable in making the woman feel awkward? 

[Batya33]

I think he is risking huge problems with his comments about how her clothing fits on her body.  And how he stared at her.  

Separately -either you trust him or you don't.  I think it's best if she keeps the interactions purely professional. Also maybe she is trying to keep a paper trail in case given his past inappropriate comments and stares.

Has he behaved this way around women in the past? He might have a mild crush but sounds like he's heeding your concerns and suggestions so that's good.

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like he finds her attractive, yes, and maybe some lines were getting blurred there. As Batya said also, he really should not be commenting on her appearance at all. 

But my guess is that it doesn't go further than that. He appears to have cleaned up his act and he likely told her that they needed to be more professional. 

But I am curious about this: 

8 hours ago, emily02 said:

she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to,

How do you know all of this? Do you read his work emails and messages, or? You also said he only randomly pops by the office occasionally, so are you there when he does? It's not clear to me how you're able to observe all of this. 

8 hours ago, emily02 said:

He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

And how do you know this? If you don't work in the office yourself, who is passing along this intel to you? 

[Kwothe28]

I think he has a bit of crush on her. He is older, he has a young attractive woman in office so he behaves like he is some teen with asking about dress and all of that. I can see why you are bothered with it even though its debatable if he would ever crossed the line and actually do something about it.

But I also think you emotionally manipulated your husband with all "MeToo" talking and saying how she looks like to you. Its fine for you to say how his comments bother you, they should being that he is clearly attracted by her. But looking at his phone, saying how she would sue him for harassment, commenting on her body? That is just invasion of privacy and manipulation from your side.

[emily02]

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It sounds like he finds her attractive, yes, and maybe some lines were getting blurred there. As Batya said also, he really should not be commenting on her appearance at all. 

But my guess is that it doesn't go further than that. He appears to have cleaned up his act and he likely told her that they needed to be more professional. 

But I am curious about this: 

How do you know all of this? Do you read his work emails and messages, or? You also said he only randomly pops by the office occasionally, so are you there when he does? It's not clear to me how you're able to observe all of this. 

And how do you know this? If you don't work in the office yourself, who is passing along this intel to you? 

I sometimes come to the office with him but stay next door. And I do check his phone, I can see whis Whatsapp. 

[emily02]

13 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think he has a bit of crush on her. He is older, he has a young attractive woman in office so he behaves like he is some teen with asking about dress and all of that. I can see why you are bothered with it even though its debatable if he would ever crossed the line and actually do something about it.

But I also think you emotionally manipulated your husband with all "MeToo" talking and saying how she looks like to you. Its fine for you to say how his comments bother you, they should being that he is clearly attracted by her. But looking at his phone, saying how she would sue him for harassment, commenting on her body? That is just invasion of privacy and manipulation from your side.

I see what you mean I just wanted to put him off her in some way. And she doesn't look like me, we look very different, that's why it also bothered me.

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, emily02 said:

I sometimes come to the office with him but stay next door. And I do check his phone, I can see whis Whatsapp. 

Why do you check his phone and whatsapp? I agree with you that his comments about her dress were inappropriate. Maybe he does have a crush on her. I'm not defending people who cheat but to be honest it's actually normal to find someone else attractive other than your partner. We're human so if we see someone attractive it's natural to notice. The main thing is that someone doesn't cheat. I really doubt that this girl would be interested in your husband with the age difference. Though you never know of course.

To be honest you sound a bit too insecure and possessive. You notice your husband got an attractive female colleague and immediately start "marking your territory" and checking his phone. And told him not to talk to her, etc.

Actually if he's the owner and boss of the company then it actually is his role to be friendly to his staff. My Mum has worked at her job 14 years and her boss (owner) is lovely. He's friendly with all his employees, chats, knows things about them. And gives them all generous gifts for Christmas and their Birthday. Obviously if he wasn't friendly with other staff but only with Lara then yeah that's weird. He should treat everyone the same. But technically Lara is also doing an internship. Usually the intern gets overseen and mentored by their boss.

[Coily]

For a different perspective, with a woman I considered my little sister; I would make snarky comments if she dressed too provocatively for her work place; as a subtle was to get her to pay attention to her surroundings. Not saying that's happening here, but if a 3rd party saw that without knowing the context it would look odd.

Your husband is trying to be deferential to you OP; not sure if it's successful though. There could be something up, there could just be your being catty. Overall, I think in a case like this pushing your husband too hard will result in him seeing Lara in more of a glowing light than yourself; which makes it a self fulfilling prophecy.

it boils down to, do you love and trust your husband?

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, emily02 said:

I sometimes come to the office with him but stay next door. And I do check his phone, I can see whis Whatsapp. 

So, how do you know he commented on her clothes?

It seems strange to me that he is behaving this way in front of you. Is someone in the office reporting back to you?

I find it an odd coincidence that you just happen to be there when these things occur. 

[Andrina]

Why do you go to the office with your husband? Is this so you can keep an eye on him?

Yes, the way the both of you have been behaving is something driving a wedge between you two versus maintaining a strong relationship, if in fact that's been the case until now.

Is this really odd behavior for him, like a first?

He at least seems to care that you're disturbed by his behavior and has improved. Would've been worse if he argued with you and ignored your feelings.

Is he a very passive person? Is that why he allows you access to his phone? Or do you look at it when he's in the shower? If he had something he thought he should hide, he probably would've added a passcode.

If you don't want him looking through your phone in the same fashion, looking to see if you're doing anything behind his back, then you shouldn't engage in this behavior. Treat people the way you want to be treated and you can't go wrong.

What would be healthy moving forward? Make sure you're both comfortable with relationship boundaries, understand what they are and which ones you've decided on as a couple is reasonable. And then strengthen your emotional connection as a couple. Couples who keep the spark alive and feel content in the relationship do not let themselves enter into an emotional affair, nor do they have the desire to. 

Maybe try new activities with him to enjoy life. Change up the same old-same old. 

People shouldn't become spies nor try and be in their partner's presence for the sole purpose of keeping a sharp eye on them. If a partner is doing something ethically wrong like cheating, that secret most often comes to light by happenstance, so no detective work is needed. 

The only control you have is to be the best partner you can be, and if that's not good enough, it's best you find out sooner rather than later so you can free yourself from someone who could hurt you in such a way. 

What do you think is more attractive to your husband? A wife who is confident and has her own fulfilling life besides being with him, or a wife who keeps him on a tight leash and demands to see everything he's doing on his phone?

[TeeDee]

You are right that as a co-owner he needs to be very cautious about how he interacts with a young opposite sex intern. 

He probably had a little crush & she probably enjoyed the attention from the boss. 

It seems like they have both become more professional.  Take your victory & move on.  

[Circe]

If this were me I would have an honest conversation with my husband about my feelings and about my thoughts on his behaviour.

I would not have the approach of mentioning that “young women these days” can get you for harassment.. or keep emphasising that she’s really young and you both aren’t etc.

Id just be frank. I’d tell him about the behaviour I’ve observed. I’d tell him how it makes me feel to see that and what it makes me suspect. I’d invite a response from him. If I believed him I’d ask him to set some appropriate boundaries. You can’t help being attracted to someone but you can put down boundaries to protect your marriage in a situation like that.

If I didn’t believe him.. then we’d have problems.

[ShySoul]

A person is free to interact with whomever they want to. You had no proof that anything inappropriate was going on and projecting your own insecurity onto the situation. Instead of being honest with him, you told him to stay away under the guise of protecting him from her falsely accusing him. You turned her into a potential bad guy to scare him away. None of this was reasonable or fair.

Going forward, trust your husband. Don't focus on outsiders, look at the relationship you have. Does he look at you? Does he respect you and show you love? If that is happening, then live in those moments, not the insecurities in your head. If you have a problem or need more attention from him, talk to him. Your relationship should be about the two of you. So keep it about the two of you. 

[Batya33]

OP he is not free to "interact" with anyone he wants to because you two are married so his interactions have to be consistent with your vows and whatever other boundaries you have discussed. Playing with fire is not ok so an "interaction" that risks that might not be ok for a married person to do.For example I have had boundary discussions around how often a female colleague calls in the evening even though it's a business call, depending on the circumstances.  He asked my permission before meeting an ex who continues to be a colleague when they were in the same city at a conference -he asked me - I was ok with it for professional reasons. But he asked and had he not I would have been upset that he "interacted" with her in this way.  He's fine with me being linkedin with my ex boyfriend and I am sure he wouldn't be fine if I messaged with him more than very perfunctory like to respond to a business question or to share news about a mutual friend or colleague. 

It's fine if a person wants to be free to interact with anyone. That person should refrain from making marital or marriage like commitments and refrain from working in any sort of office setting or work setting where there are limits on interactions that aren't just about hurting people - about appropriate, professional behavior just like in a marriage the couple decides on boundaries and yes are entitled to say "these are my boundaries, you have a right to interact beyond my boundaries but if you choose  that right you are choosing most likely not to be married to me."

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

there are limits on interactions that aren't just about hurting people - about appropriate, professional behavior

Yes, this. 

Adults are expected to use discretion and conduct themselves appropriately whether at home or at work. 

I don't know in what world commenting on how tiny a female employee's dress is would fall under the umbrella of appropriate interaction - especially coming from the boss - but it's not a world most of us live in. And I frankly wouldn't want to live in that world either. 

 

 

[ShySoul]

On 12/11/2024 at 2:37 PM, emily02 said:

He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees.

Couples should talk to each other if there are issues, but they can not control each others actions. He did not discuss his marriage. He did not try to be with her. By your own admission, it was all harmless. He wished her luck and was being a friend and co-worker. Everything else was created in your imagination. 

You should also not place limits on where he can work. It is his career. It is his life. He has the right and freedom to be where he wants and speak to who he wants. Just as you have that right. If roles were reversed, would you want him to tell you who you could talk to?

Trying to dictate who people talk to is controlling and manuiplative. It is taking away a persons basic rights and freedoms as human beings. There is no way that should be tolerated or done.

[ShySoul]

On 12/12/2024 at 4:07 PM, emily02 said:

I sometimes come to the office with him but stay next door. And I do check his phone, I can see whis Whatsapp. 

Even if his actions were not the wisest choice, you went and spied on him. Your actions are equally as bad. You did not display trust or love for him. The mature way to handle this would have been to voice your concerns and work with him, being honest. Instead you allowed your fear and insecurity to control you, go behind his back, and create scheme to push him away from someone you felt jealous of.

I understand your feelings. I get that it's not easy to control your emotions and that you may not like when a partner speaks to someone else. But there are more mature ways to handle it that make for a healthy relationship. 

I'd come clean with him. A relationship should have honesty. I'd try to focus on working with my partner and making sure our relationship is ok. Find a way to regain the trust and concentrate on the love that is there, not on imaginary relationships in our heads.

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Everything else was created in your imagination. 

Are you suggesting OP imagined this? 

On 12/11/2024 at 11:37 PM, emily02 said:

He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in,

It's not all in her head. Suggesting that it's all in her imagination is rather patronizing and dismissive of her concerns and her own words in this thread. Did you not read that part? 

 

[ShySoul]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's not all in her head. Suggesting that it's all in her imagination is rather patronizing and dismissive of her concerns and her own words in this thread. Did you not read that part? 

"Apparently." If I heard someone say something directly, I don't think I would use the word apparently. I would just say that he has commented on her dress. Think it's inconclusive at best.

Also, context and tone could make a difference. Saying it a lustful manner would of course be wrong. Saying it in a sense of concern for how others may view her for her outfits would be much different. I had a co-worker who wore tight outfits. We all noticed. Not one of us viewed it postively. Not one guy found it attractive. No one here knows how he viewed it. 

I'm looking at the pattern of behavior. And her behavior crossed lines, as you yourself noted. Even if he did notice her, he didn't make a move on her. He respected boundaries. Reality is someone with eyes will notice a tight dress. Doesn't necessarily mean anything more.

What is in her head is that this goes deeper and is something that she needs to be worried about. Until he takes steps to make something happen, she should trust him and his feeling for her - the person he is actually in a relationship with and spending his nights with.

On 12/12/2024 at 11:52 PM, MissCanuck said:

So, how do you know he commented on her clothes?

It seems strange to me that he is behaving this way in front of you. Is someone in the office reporting back to you?

I find it an odd coincidence that you just happen to be there when these things occur. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Couples should talk to each other if there are issues, but they can not control each others actions.

No but the person can control themselves so if the person chooses to interact in a way that is playing with fire as far as the marital commitment -or putting his job at great risk or risking a lawsuit which also is inconsistent with most married couple's agreements and promises- then that person can leave or communicate that without some defensive "but I'm allowed to be friends with whoever I want/interact with whoever I want" - if it got to the point where I had to say "You can't ___" that would be a huge red flag but I feel perfectly comfortable saying "I don't like how you're interacting with this person/crossing boundaries with your friend because you are married to me" which is impliedly "I'm saying no to this" -it's not "controlling" but it's simply implying -I'm not good with this cause we're married- make your choice"

[yogacat]

Yes, you have a problem on your hands, your husband has a crush and is behaving like a small boy!

Your approach is all wrong, you've treated your husband like a naughty school boy instead of a mature adult capable of managing boundaries himself!

He is so engrossed in her you actually feel the need to step in like a parent? Because obviously, he seems incapable of managing himself around this FEMALE ADULT.

I know you said that you mentioned he was acting out of character, so something has changed here right? Not just for him be so keen to be near her, engage with her, avoid boring her by changing himself in, by overcompensating in his approach?

He PLAYS ice-cold when he sees her no because she is an outstanding young woman who had made him feel like a naughty little boy, so you take on the responsibility and give him strictures that actually make no difference, but add to his anxiety and how he feels in general.

I challenge you to go in with your head held high!

Please take care of yourself, rather than pander to him tell him you’re concerned they are behaving unprofessionally and relay your concerns about the possible crush.

You need to tell him that you understand crushes can happen, but you trust him to act appropriately and maintain a professional relationship with the people in the office.

[ShySoul]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

"I don't like how you're interacting with this person/crossing boundaries with your friend because you are married to me"

12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

If you have a problem or need more attention from him, talk to him.

Which is precisely what I meant by talk to him. That's not what she did though.

On 12/11/2024 at 2:37 PM, emily02 said:

I didn't want to ask my husband whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her.

She assumed he would lie about his feelings to her. She made out like she was someone who would falsely accuse him of something. She wasn't honest about her feelings and instead made this woman into the bad guy. She didn't tell him he shouldn't say things because it wasn't appropriate, she told him not to say things because a woman might be out to get him. She put the focus on the woman because she felt jealous of her. 

The proper thing would be to focus on their relationship, take her out of it.

[ShySoul]

On 12/11/2024 at 2:37 PM, emily02 said:

spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, 

 he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!

Perhaps they have things in common and had just developed a friendly, joking repore? I've had female co-workers I could joke and make silly comments with and there were no romantic feelings involved. I've messaged co-workers or given recommendations for places to go. I've wished people luck. Those are all things that friends would do.

Perhaps he was interested in what she said? Maybe what you found inane, he actually wanted to hear?

Perhaps you made him feel nervous, like he couldn't talk to her in your presence because you sense how unhappy you were. Maybe that's a sign that he cares not for her, but for you? He didn't want to make you uncomfortable, so he took the discomfort himself?

At worse it was a harmless crush that he never took further. Instead of reading into things, spying, and guilting him into doing what you want, try talking to him. Have a relationship based on honesty and trust. It is healthier in the long run.

[Jaunty]

57 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

 

 She made out like she was someone who would falsely accuse him of something.

I'm assuming you're not in the USA and also that you don't go to a workplace and interact with people on a regular basis.

She would NOT be falsely accusing him of anything.  The OP said that he's made suggestive comments about the way she dresses at work, and gave one example, which is indeed crossing a serious line.

 

57 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

, she told him not to say things because a woman might be out to get him.

I don't think so. Sure, as his wife, she bristled about him making suggestive comments to the woman, but this is not about the woman being "out to get him."   

People lose their jobs every day over this type of thing because it is deemed SEXUAL HARASSMENT in the USA.   You can lose your job for telling a smutty joke, or a racist joke, and all kinds of things.  Who is on the receiving end doesn't have to be vindictive - someone uninvolved who is observing it might make the report just as easily.  

 The fact is that all women and all PEOPLE are entitled to go to their workplace and do their jobs without receiving sexualized attention there - especially from their superior.   It's called a "power imbalance."

Also, FYI, her husband IS actually inappropriate regarding "LARA."  OP is not imagining it.  

You are making all sorts of interesting assumptions here.

 

 

[catfeeder]

Quote

Was I unreasonable to 'tell off' my husband for chatting to woman at work?

I see a huge difference between addressing an issue versus telling someone off.

You'll need to decide whether your conversations with your husband have been respectful or parental. If they've been parental, you've chosen the most unsexy way to deal with the issue of his sexual attraction elsewhere, which can compound the problem.