I don't know what to do with my first love.

[1Angel]

Hello

A lot of things happened between us, like a lot. We first dated in 2019 and broke up at the beginning of 2020, about 9 months into the relationship. We dated again, I know the exact date 13.8.2022 after 3 years of literally not talking. That relationship was great at first but later it got worse and worse, as a person I was (I'm not like that anymore) a very jealous person and I got really attached to her. During the relationship I didn't let her breathe if you understand me. I kept asking if I had done something if she didn't call me for hours. I was a miserable wimp. We broke up on 10.8.2023 and that breakup was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me in my life. Until I started therapy I was so hurt I begged her to get back together after we were friends for 3 months. At one point I got tics due to stress from school and the breakup (she didn't do anything wrong, the tics started because of my brain and too much thinking). After I went through the hospitals and got all the tests done, we had a big fight and no contact started. When I started therapy, it really helped me and opened my eyes. I just became more relaxed, calmer. I just changed completely inside. Fast forward 10 months and suddenly we started talking again (she started traveling with me). Now I don't know what to do with her. She gave a lot of signs, physical contact, talking about our relationship, she was the first to send messages and continued to send them first, she almost cried yesterday morning on the train in front of me because of her father (abusive father), she trusts me a lot and tells me what's bothering her, I don't even ask, she just comes and starts talking. The other day I was finally able to apologize to her for all the ***ing stupid things I did, I even took her hands, our faces were close, I looked into her eyes and apologized from the bottom of my heart, we held hands for a good 1 minute. Is it worth asking again to try, I'm really afraid that we'll lose what we have now?

I apologize if the grammar is bad, English is not my first language so I use Google Translate.

[TeeDee]

What do you want to do?  

First loves are rarely last loves.  They are people we look back on wistfully.  They are happy memories.  They are rarely our future. 

You two sound very young.   

Only you know if it is worth trying again but before you do, figure out what went wrong the last 2 times & what you learned both from the relationship & the break up.  Think about how you have matured & changed with your therapy.  Then maybe make a list of pros & cons, reasons to get back together & reasons that may not be a good idea.  

[1Angel]

How is it now, I want us to get back together to see what it will look like now that I've changed. She sometimes gives clear signals, sometimes mixed signals and it's really confusing what she wants, as a person she keeps a lot of things to herself, she's a very closed person and it's hard for me to find out what she wants. At the same time, I don't want to lose what I have with her now and for us to stay the way we are now, I'm completely okay with that. Thanks for the advice, I'll try to write a list.

 

 

 

[Andrina]

16 minutes ago, 1Angel said:

I don't want to lose what I have with her now and for us to stay the way we are now,

How on Earth would you expect that to happen? Do you really think either of your future romantic partners will be okay with you two being buddies? Many people will walk away once they know who they're dating is communicating with  and hanging out with an ex.

 

21 minutes ago, 1Angel said:

as a person she keeps a lot of things to herself, she's a very closed person

So why do you see a closed person as being ideal as a lifetime partner? 

On again, off again relationships are a sign they aren't the right relationship for you. You can try one last time if you think you're resilient enough to handle another breakup. You say you're calmer now, but that's as a single person. When you get into another romance, whether it be with her or someone else, whether or not therapy helped will be clear once you're again a part of a duo.

IMO, I think your best bet is to tell her that going no contact is the best way for you to heal and move on. You're not going to be able to eventually bond with someone new when you're so emotionally attached to her, since your feelings are not platonic. I don't think therapy has really helped, since you're wanting to cling to her in any capacity. 

If it were me, I'd concentrate on my education without the distraction of romance. Once you complete your degree and pursue a career, perhaps you can be more mentally settled and have matured enough to date more wisely and with a better emotional balance.

[1Angel]

19 minutes ago, Andrina said:

How on Earth would you expect that to happen? Do you really think either of your future romantic partners will be okay with you two being buddies? Many people will walk away once they know who they're dating is communicating with  and hanging out with an ex.

 

So why do you see a closed person as being ideal as a lifetime partner? 

On again, off again relationships are a sign they aren't the right relationship for you. You can try one last time if you think you're resilient enough to handle another breakup. You say you're calmer now, but that's as a single person. When you get into another romance, whether it be with her or someone else, whether or not therapy helped will be clear once you're again a part of a duo.

IMO, I think your best bet is to tell her that going no contact is the best way for you to heal and move on. You're not going to be able to eventually bond with someone new when you're so emotionally attached to her, since your feelings are not platonic. I don't think therapy has really helped, since you're wanting to cling to her in any capacity. 

If it were me, I'd concentrate on my education without the distraction of romance. Once you complete your degree and pursue a career, perhaps you can be more mentally settled and have matured enough to date more wisely and with a better emotional balance.

I completely agree that any smart person would just walk away when they hear that she is still in contact with her ex.

As I mentioned, she just comes to me and starts telling me what is wrong with her, the other day when she came to the station, I saw in her eyes how she wants to cry and have someone to support her not only on the phone but in person. Her dad came back from abroad and how he physically abused her throughout her childhood (just beat her), she has become very closed off as a person. She is very open towards me and maybe three other people, she is still open towards me because she knows she can trust me. If I wanted to I would have already clung to her the first time she gave me any attention, I was like that before and I swore that I would NEVER be like that again in my life. I would just try it just to see how it would look, if it works, great if it doesn't work then there is nothing I can do and honestly if I could break up with two girls, girls that I loved, then I can handle another break up. I'm going with the flow, I don't want to stress myself out so much, relaxed, no pressure. As I said, I was a softie who projected my problems onto other people thinking they would help me.

[MissCanuck]

Before I comment further, how old are you both, OP?

 

[1Angel]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Before I comment further, how old are you both, OP?

 

I am 19 and she is 18

[MissCanuck]

Yes, I imagined you were both very young. 

While she was your first love, and holds a special place in your heart, understand that as you both grow and change, you will more than likely go in different directions in life. It doesn't mean that something is wrong, but rather that these very young loves tend to have natural expiration dates.  

For now, I would be kind and tell her that you can't be her support system if she isn't interested in reconciliation. You will never be able to move on if you stay close to her, and it will hurt you terribly if she meets someone else and distances herself from you. You can be graceful and respectful, but from a distance. 

[1Angel]

39 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, I imagined you were both very young. 

While she was your first love, and holds a special place in your heart, understand that as you both grow and change, you will more than likely go in different directions in life. It doesn't mean that something is wrong, but rather that these very young loves tend to have natural expiration dates.  

For now, I would be kind and tell her that you can't be her support system if she isn't interested in reconciliation. You will never be able to move on if you stay close to her, and it will hurt you terribly if she meets someone else and distances herself from you. You can be graceful and respectful, but from a distance. 

Yes, we are both quite young at the moment. It's strange to me that the second time we started dating, we connected right away, it didn't even take a week for her to feel like home, maybe it's my anxious attachment and that I get attached too quickly, but previous relationships never got to that point measures where I can simply let my guard down. It's a completely different feeling with her than with the other girls I've been with. I'm kind of scared right now to try to talk to her about it. I'll be honest, since I broke up with her I haven't felt any comfort and warmth inside me like I did with her. Even my parents couldn't make me feel that way. I'm not trying to try again with her to feel that way, I want to help her become a better person, having seen with my own eyes many times what she went through during her childhood. She was open to help her but I was a fool and put my problems in front of her

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, 1Angel said:

I want to help her become a better person,

You can't do that for her, though. Only she can do that for herself. 

27 minutes ago, 1Angel said:

but previous relationships never got to that point measures where I can simply let my guard down.

To be fair, wouldn't you have been a young teenager during those other relationships? Part of this is simply growing up and figuring out relationships in general. I understand that you felt comfortable with your ex but some of this can also be attributed to gaining mroe life experience and figuring out who you are. 

Give yourself time to heal and move on. Be patient with yourself and trust that better things are coming your way. 

 

[1Angel]

21 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You can't do that for her, though. Only she can do that for herself. 

To be fair, wouldn't you have been a young teenager during those other relationships? Part of this is simply growing up and figuring out relationships in general. I understand that you felt comfortable with your ex but some of this can also be attributed to gaining mroe life experience and figuring out who you are. 

Give yourself time to heal and move on. Be patient with yourself and trust that better things are coming your way. 

 

I know she can only help herself, there's nothing I can do, you're right. I mean, the therapist told me to try it and see what happens. I mean I'm not as attached as I was, if she hadn't given the signs I mentioned I wouldn't have paid attention but I'm curious

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, 1Angel said:

I mean, the therapist told me to try it and see what happens.

Try what, exactly? 

[1Angel]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Try what, exactly? 

He told me to try to talk to her and see if we can be together or not.

[TeeDee]

If you want to get back together yes, you have to talk to her.  You also risk losing the friendship you have now but that will go away the minute one of you gets a new SO.  Things will also change as you age.  You will not be the same people at 22 that you are now.  

[catfeeder]

On 12/12/2024 at 5:44 AM, 1Angel said:

He told me to try to talk to her and see if we can be together or not.

One way to do this rather than drop some giant confession in her lap would be to pick an offhand moment to ask her if she ever envisions the two of you back together again. If she says no, there's your answer, and from there you can grapple with how long you want to remain friends without the possibility of more. If she says yes, then you can ask her if she'd like to give that a try.

[1Angel]

35 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

If you want to get back together yes, you have to talk to her.  You also risk losing the friendship you have now but that will go away the minute one of you gets a new SO.  Things will also change as you age.  You will not be the same people at 22 that you are now.  

I don't know, I have to see what else to do.

[1Angel]

51 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

If you want to get back together yes, you have to talk to her.  You also risk losing the friendship you have now but that will go away the minute one of you gets a new SO.  Things will also change as you age.  You will not be the same people at 22 that you are now.  

Today on the train she said that I'm beautiful and all that, but that I'm bad for relationships. She said that she can't see herself trying again because I was the way I was the last two times. I honestly think she gave me that answer, but I'm interested in what you think and I have to ask the therapist. I changed a lot. 

[TeeDee]

If that is how she feels back off.  Some people just aren't meant to be in a romantic relationship with each other.  Doesn't make them bad people just not good together. 

Relationships also always default to the one who wants out.  

[1Angel]

14 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

If that is how she feels back off.  Some people just aren't meant to be in a romantic relationship with each other.  Doesn't make them bad people just not good together. 

Relationships also always default to the one who wants out.  

Okay, is there any way I can prove to her that I've changed, the trust between us is still there but I don't think she sees the change in me and is the conversation worth it? If I do start the conversation, there's a good chance I'll set some boundaries for her so that they don't lead me into deep thoughts about whether she wants me back or not.

[1Angel]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

One way to do this rather than drop some giant confession in her lap would be to pick an offhand moment to ask her if she ever envisions the two of you back together again. If she says no, there's your answer, and from there you can grapple with how long you want to remain friends without the possibility of more. If she says yes, then you can ask her if she'd like to give that a try.

Honestly, it could work but I don't know yet, at times she shows signs that she wants me and now I honestly don't know why she's doing it.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, 1Angel said:

Honestly, it could work but I don't know yet, at times she shows signs that she wants me and now I honestly don't know why she's doing it.

Right so why not just ask?

[1Angel]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Right so why not just ask?

I can try, but I'm pretty scared.

[Batya33]

Just now, 1Angel said:

I can try, but I'm pretty scared.

Yes you have to figure out if the risk is worth it.  I'm married 16 years because my husband took that risk when he asked if I wanted to get back together almost 8 years after we broke up.  For a number of reasons I wouldn't have asked him in the circumstances we were in at that time.

[1Angel]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes you have to figure out if the risk is worth it.  I'm married 16 years because my husband took that risk when he asked if I wanted to get back together almost 8 years after we broke up.  For a number of reasons I wouldn't have asked him in the circumstances we were in at that time.

I mean, I have nothing to lose, the only thing I'm going to lose is our relationship, but honestly, I don't care. Something's holding me back, but I don't know why.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, 1Angel said:

I mean, I have nothing to lose, the only thing I'm going to lose is our relationship, but honestly, I don't care. Something's holding me back, but I don't know why.

Sometimes you just have to choose to do it despite not knowing what the something is.