Does it seem like he may have some sort of feelings for me?

[goodmorning]

First, I know that feelings with FWB isn't good. Didn't plan on it. Don't have to attack me I get it lol, we are both being adults about it,

I've had a FWB now for 2 years, when we met I wasn't looking for something, we both were OK with FWB. I actually didn't overly like him too much at first, then once we became acquainted I did. I felt at ease with him, we had so much fun. Months in I developed feelings, I was honest with him and I took a break. Honestly don't think he really cared, he was pretty nonchalant about it, making jokes etc. Of course I came back, then that lasted a bit before I couldn't do it anymore but I was ok being friends. I told him bye and I ended up entering a relationship, I did not talk to him much during my relationship and we did not hangout [my relationship sucked I got cheated on repeatedly], but I had a few moments of crisis and he was the person I called, and he was there to console me on the phone. There were many moments when I missed him. But previously when I'd take breaks from him, I KNEW he didn't like me back and i'd re-center myself. This time is different.

After I left that relationship when I found about the cheating, we started seeing each other again. That was about 8 months I took off. I grew up a lot during this time though, and felt so much more grounded. I could feel the true joy in how happy he was to see me again, and we went back to where we were. I didn't feel any feelings come up at all, which was cool because I didn't want anything serious. I just missed the cuddles and connection, and benefits of course. This time around we did not go out on dates like we did before [we'd actually go out and do stuff]. This time around we've been seeing each other again for the last 6 months, he mainly just comes to my house late at night and a few times we've just hungout at my house listening to music, laughing, talking, drinking together etc and hes come to my friends house. Whenever he gets drunk [which he did in the past, too] he gets very lovey and lets his guard down. He will tell me how I am not just sex to him, but I am a friend and important to him and he cares about my feelings. He will grab my face passionately and tell me how beautiful I am. And how proud of me he is, etc he gets a bit more vulnerable. Well, the last 6 months it started just not really talking a lot and seeing each other here and there, but the last couple months we have bonded more I feel like. We talk a lot more, there was times when he was seeing me 2 times in a week [I have limited kid free days and he would be sure to be there during them], sometimes twice in a week.

 

We got into a couple arguments lately, and I think now I realize it was me projecting my jealousy onto him, and then I realized I was getting jealous and that was not good. I went off on him a little, I was trying to push him out to make it less painful for me. He said he wanted to take a break from meeting but he didn't dismiss me. He said he wants to respect me, and he wants to do better, acknowledged my feelings. He said he needed time to cool off, he said doesn't want to disappear, he just wants to take a break from meeting up. He said he doesn't want to stop talking. When I got frustrated too, I told him he could just have my hockey ticket [we bought some like months in advance to go together, its outta town], he did not want that at all. He told me do not do that, and hold onto it to see where we are at that time.

 

He said he wants to still talk to me and that we will figure it out and see where we go. He also said he needs time to think about him and get his head right. He actively fought to make sure I didn't go anywhere, where in the past he honestly didn't care. Something feels different here, I am wondering if he is also struggling with feelings towards me? Ive never had a FWB do that, usually we call it off when we're done. He obviously pushed to maintain a connection with me, and is willing to address issues.

TDLR;; been fwb for 2 yrs, we've taken breaks in the past and he would let it be nonchalantly. he recently has acted in ways that show he doesn't want to lose me, and its confusing

[yogacat]

I believe he can have feelings for you but not want a committed relationship. He's able to compartmentalize his sex life, to where his feelings for you are strictly that- feelings. However, if you're ideal situation is a relationship, he may not want to go that far. He may want to keep things, simply put like they are. Do I really like her? yes. Do I want more with her? no

You said he said he wanted to take a break from meeting but not talking. To me that means he wants the friendship and feelings to stay. He may want the benefits of the FWB arrangement, but doesn't want things to get too serious.

Anything deeper will more than likely have to come from you. Think about what you want in terms of your feelings. It almost sounds like you (almost) subconsciously want him to admit to having them as well. It's something beneficial to you if you can get him to admit it to himself. But what if he doesn't have them? What's your game plan at that point? To me it sounds like he's adjusted to liking you but not wanting a relationship. What about you? Can you adjust to that?

[afatalistdawn]

Your post seems to be asking what he wants, whereas the focus should be on what you want. My fear is that you may be overly invested in him/your connection, and he's taking advantage of that (since you have already admitted feelings and you have shown that you will keep coming back).

When you reconnected, things were fun, but now that he's sensing you want more from him, he's getting scared. Nothing you've written here makes me think he wants a more serious, committed relationship if that's what you are asking. I'm sorry, but drunken words don't mean much, so don't be fooled. I agree with @yogacat in that he wants the status quo. The question is what do you want out of this?

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, goodmorning said:

I realized I was getting jealous

About? 

Is he seeing other women? 

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, goodmorning said:

This time around we did not go out on dates like we did before [we'd actually go out and do stuff]. This time around we've been seeing each other again for the last 6 months, he mainly just comes to my house late at night and a few times we've just hungout at my house listening to music, laughing, talking, drinking together

Sex arrangement. I mean, you do talk about FWB and limitations about it but I just dont think you understand it. You are sex arrangement to him. He comes to your home, you spend some time together, have sex etc. That is all you are to him. He doesnt need to try over you or even take you out, just comes to your home from time to time to have sex. While he is having other women who he does takes out probably.

You got caught up in feelings and think he is different now. But he hasnt shown you that he even wants to be with you. All you do is grasping at straws with "Oh, but now he said that he doesnt want to stop talking". Yes, because you provide him talk and free sex from time to time at your home while he is probably dating other women. He doesnt want that arrangement to stop, but that doesnt mean he wants to date you.

If he wanted to date you he would try over you. He wouldnt date other women but would be in a relationship with you. Go out with you, introduce you as his girlfriend, that kind of stuff. But like this, he just comes to your home to have sex. I am saying you this because I think you need to face that he just doesnt want the same thing as you. And that if you want a relationship maybe you need to cut him off completely and find some other man who would actually want to be with you instead of just coming to you when he needs sex.

[Batya33]

I don't think he is compartmentalizing anything with you. I think nothing changed for him since day one of your sexual arrangement -doesn't sound like you were good friends first. Your risk to take knowing you go back and forth having feelings for him and obviously that's why you feel jealous when he's doing nothing wrong (did you promise to be sexually monogamous? doesn't sound like it). 

He does have feelings -when he chooses to get drunk he chooses to express feelings about you. He doesn't want you to be his girlfriend, he doesn't want to properly date you he doesn't want a commitment to you.  That's all old news and he knows it so he can feel comfortable letting loose because he's not leading you on.  You're leading yourself on.  You're lying to yourself.  You like the "connection" but that sort of connection has huge downsides since you want more and when you feel "connected" you want the "connection" to include proper dating and commitment. 

He says sweet words when he chooses to get drunk when hanging out at your place - but he knows he need not back those up with any actions as he told you from the beginning he doesn't see  you as relationship material. 

He likes things as they are - he can come over to your place - so easy - when he is horny - you will welcome him in, he can let loose and drink and have intercourse with you and play all cuddly and couply because he is genuine straight up direct with you and it's not his fault you choose to dismiss that and look for "signs" that he might want "more." He doesn't.  

I'd find that "connection" in ways that don't have this huge downside for your psychological and emotional health. I'd stop lying to myself that the upsides are worth it.  I hope you feel better.

I wouldn't read into "signs" that he is "struggling" -many people have conflicting feelings and they choose to do one thing over another. You had conflicting feelings -you struggled with whether to return to your sex arrangement despite the downsides.  You chose to return. 

I struggled with whether to end a 7 year on and off relationship and created drama from it which wasn't right on my part.  There were many signs that I was really into him, really loved him and signs that I wasn't into him enough to make it to a marriage as he wanted.  And I thought I wanted. He saw me struggle, we talked about it -my doubts. In the end I finally chose to leave. 

7 months later I met my future husband -a person from my past - and I had no such struggle.  No one had to read into signs because when he asked me to get back together I simply said "YES" -when we talked about what we both  wanted as far as relationship goals we had a simple up front conversation including a few minor compromises. 

No need to read into signs on either part.  Is "every relationship different" OK sure but there are some truths -people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  If a person says from the beginning I do not want a serious relationship or potentially serious [WITH YOU -assume that!] then words after that unless they are "wow I really do want to be committed to you -I messed up when I said I didn't!" -any words of feelings are just words. 

If a person wants to be with you they will be with you and want to make that very clear because if a person isn't simple and direct they risk the other person going off to find someone else and when you find someone special you want to make sure they know that directly and simply "I want to be with you" "I want to be committed to you" "I want to date you and see if this can be serious."  There's the rare person who doesn't make that clear -a normal reasonably healthy reasonably secure person who wants to be -with you.  He never wanted to be with you in a serious or potentially serious relationship.  This is incompatible now because you do want that.  That's not healthy for you especially.

[goodmorning]

Yeah I get a lot of what you guys are saying. I am not saying he wants to be with me.  I am processing this all, and I went the last 5 months being just fine.   

It's not just because "he wants to keep in contact with me" or his drunk words.  He soberly told me the day before after we spent the night that he wants me all day everyday.  For me, it is just interesting to see him act these ways, he never did before.  As a FWB he has no reason to keep me here, and in the past he had no problem telling me bye bye if I wanted a break.  

Of course, I am going to think about some things. I am not going to reach out to him.

[MissCanuck]

21 minutes ago, goodmorning said:

As a FWB he has no reason to keep me here, and in the past he had no problem telling me bye bye if I wanted a break.  

He wants sex. 

Maybe the other times there was another sex partner somewhere on his orbit, but not right now. That's my guess. 

[goodmorning]

I get it, I don't really think that's an issue though. I know when he hungout with my friends they saw the chemistry too. We don't have sex everytime we hangout

[HeartGoesOn]

My thoughts here are, you're selling yourself short along with settling for crumbs. You're also denying yourself from having a true and healthy relationship, which you deserve.

 In short, if he truly wanted an honest relationship with you he wouldn't stop short of camping out on your doorstep-so to speak.

Hopefully you'll make the right choices.

 

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, goodmorning said:

He soberly told me the day before after we spent the night that he wants me all day everyday. 

I am sorry but that doesnt mean anything in terms of him wanting to have a relationship with you. Just empty words. Especially when he bolted out the second you showed him that you have feelings there.

And that is precisely what I meant. You are catching at straws here and some empty words he just maybe said to get you in the mood for sex. While you dismiss his actions. That were to just makes "home visits" and never dates you for real. And that as soon as he saw it got serious for you, he ran away. You should look at that if you want to know how he feels about you. Instead of trying to interpret something he might just said in affect. Actions are always far more meaningful than words. And his say that he doesnt has feelings for you as you have for him.

[goodmorning]

I am not even sure I would actually want to be in a relationship with him either, not really a concern

[smackie9]

 Maybe this is a sign that you could use a change, and need to move on. I feel this arrangement is making you miss out on a better part of life. 

[goodmorning]

Maybe. Im starting to think im just as emotionally unavailable as he is! O__O 

 

I am actually not intersting in dating though I havent dated in awhile by choice

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, goodmorning said:

Maybe. Im starting to think im just as emotionally unavailable as he is! O__O 

I am actually not intersting in dating though I havent dated in awhile by choice

^^Like attracts like.  Water attracts it's own level.   Hurt people, hurt people. 

This has become quite clear in my own life and it's good you recognize it and own it in your life. 

[goodmorning]

yeah, i am pretty self aware. ive been hurt a lot in the past, and i just really value my independence, so i actually do not date

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, goodmorning said:

I am not even sure I would actually want to be in a relationship with him either, not really a concern

So why do you wonder if he has some kind of feelings and what would you do if he does?

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, goodmorning said:

yeah, i am pretty self aware. ive been hurt a lot in the past, and i just really value my independence, so i actually do not date

I am married and I value my independence.  Seems to me you're quite dependent on him for attention and sex.  To the point of not taking care of your health. Many people have been hurt and choose emotionally healthy relationships over fear of being hurt again (never a total guarantee of course -even in the marriage vows -for better or for worse etc) but it's interesting because you're choosing someone where you feel hurt because you lie to yourself about this being something different than a sexual arrangement.  

You don't have to date -not a requirement -but if you're going to have a sex partner by choice consider whether the downsides are worth it. Seems to me not but that's for you to decide.

[goodmorning]

I take just fine care of my health, I am working fulltime in school fulltime, I dont have time to really commit to someone completely.   

I have been fine up until the last incident, and  if i ever decide to sleep with him again, I am jsut going to have different boundaries

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

So why do you wonder if he has some kind of feelings and what would you do if he does?

If I might answer this^.  My opinion of course. 

Because as emotional human beings, we (many of us anyway) crave acceptance and validation and can develop strong emotions for someone even while knowing we don't actually desire a relationship with that person. 

I understand for many people these two things go hand and hand - having romantic feelings ="wanting a relationship.

Not true for everyone, it's not always as black and white as that. 

There are people who have issues within themselves to sort through, fears, anxieties etc. that prevent them from bonding and opening themselves fully to a relationship.  

While at the same time, having strong emotions and seeking acceptance and validation from that person. 

The important thing is to honest with yourself and others about it so as to not mislead anyone. 

OP it sounds like you and this man are two peas in a pod and there's a reason why you were drawn to each other, FWB or otherwise.

He's been honest with you, continue being honest with him and enjoy whatever it is you have without diving deeper into its meaning.

It doesn't need to be defined.

JMO

[goodmorning]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If I might answer this^.  My opinion of course. 

Because as emotional human beings, we (many of us anyway) crave acceptance and validation and can develop strong emotions for someone even while knowing we don't actually desire a relationship with that person. 

I understand for many people these two things go hand and hand - having romantic feelings ="wanting a relationship.

Not true for everyone, it's not always as black and white as that. 

There are people who have issues within themselves to sort through, fears, anxieties etc. that prevent them from bonding and opening themselves fully to a relationship.  

While at the same time, having strong emotions and seeking acceptance and validation from that person. 

The important thing is to honest with yourself and others about it so as to not mislead anyone. 

OP it sounds like you and this man are two peas in a pod and there's a reason why you were drawn to each other, FWB or otherwise.

He's been honest with you, continue being honest with him and enjoy whatever it is you have without diving deeper into its meaning.

It doesn't need to be defined imo. 

JMO

You said this so well! I think its true, tho i have romantic feelings but i dont really know that i actually want a relationship with him, and to some that doesnt make sense. im still human though

he has been, but we are taking time off seeing each other in person right now per his request, we will see how it goes. we're definitely two peas in a pod, theres a friendship connection there too.  and having that friendship connection i guess scares me too. gotta balance

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, goodmorning said:

I take just fine care of my health, I am working fulltime in school fulltime, I dont have time to really commit to someone completely.   

I have been fine up until the last incident, and  if i ever decide to sleep with him again, I am jsut going to have different boundaries

No IMO you're not taking care of your emotional health by lying to yourself.  "different boundaries" is quite vague IMO -are you even sure what you mean by that? 

For sure if you feel a complete commitment would take more time than the time you spend hanging out with him and entertaining him at your place etc that's up to you.  If you don't want to take the time to be in a committed relationship with him then I wouldn't have any talk with him as in case he changes his mind then you'd be leading him on.  

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, goodmorning said:

You said this so well! I think its true, tho i have romantic feelings but i dont really know that i actually want a relationship with him, and to some that doesnt make sense. im still human though

he has been, but we are taking time off seeing each other in person right now per his request, we will see how it goes. we're definitely two peas in a pod, theres a friendship connection there too.  and having that friendship connection i guess scares me too. gotta balance

I'm human too -I don't see the relevance.  You can have romantic feelings and not want a relationship for sure.  Makes perfect sense to me.  Makes perfect sense to feel romantically for someone who is having intercourse with you regularly.  He might feel the same despite not seeing you as relationship material.  I think for some men and women having sex triggers romantic feelings. I knew it did for me which is why I've never had casual sex since I didn't want to feel those feelings for someone outside of a committed, loving relationship. I wasn't cut out for sexual arrangements and didn't want to test that by actually having sex.  (Also because I knew abortion was not a real option for me and that wouldn't be a good result in a sex arrangement)

I think you would "feel" better if he told you he was really into you and saw you as relationship material.  Then you could decide what you wanted to do but this way you know he doesn't see you as  relationship material and perhaps it bruises your ego a bit or you like the thrill of the chase - if you can win him over then you can discard him if you so choose but you don't have that choice now.

[goodmorning]

oh i was just going to tell him im not really wanting to hangout with him, and that id rather him come over, do the benefits and leave.

[Batya33]

Just now, goodmorning said:

oh i was just going to tell him im not really wanting to hangout with him, and that id rather him come over, do the benefits and leave.

Oh ok that sounds like a plan - dial it back to having him call you when he's horny and if  you're in the mood too make a plan.