Advice Please

[parkingthecar]

I was broken up with today. My ex and I had a great relationship, for the most part-but it was marred by my jealousy. Just yesterday we were talking about moving in together so we could get married, the first time we met she looked me in the eyes and told me she would marry me someday.

I've gotten upset with her a few times because she's bad at keeping me updated if she goes out and drinks. Last night, it happened again and I lost my cool. I said a lot of things i regret, but namely that I accused her of cheating on me. I don't have a reason to feel like she is but for some reason I can't help it. 

This morning she texted me that she doesn't think this is working out and that's she done. I asked her to at least talk to me about it and she said that she needs space. How much space do I give her? I never told her to reach back out, just "okay." I don't want to lose her, she really means the world to me and i'm ready to do the work to adress what caused the issue, I just need to convice her to give me the chance. I want to give her her space to think, but i'm stuck in a limbo.  

[Jaunty]

Don't you think you might need some one on one counseling to get to the root of your jealousy issues?   Obviously you know that it's wrong to lay this on someone you're dating, but you say you "can't help it."

As long as this is something you can't control, you probably are not a good relationship prospect, I'm afraid.  Especially for this woman who's already been on the receiving end of your jealousy.   

 

[Andrina]

How old are you two? What is this about drinking? Does she go out for girls' night out several nights a week or something? Is that mainly how she entertains herself, going to bars? What else does she do for fun? Do you two have couple friends and hang out in a group, or does she hang out with friends most of the time without you?

I only know that when a couple becomes serious, their activities need to reflect that. A person can't always engage in the same activities they once did as a single person, or at least can't do it as regularly in the past, depending on circumstances. Mainly if the activity is harmful to the sanctity of the relationship.

I don't know if your feelings are justified or not, not knowing more details. If she's the only woman who has brought this out in you, maybe she's not acting like she should when in a monogamous relationship. If you have felt this way with everyone you've dated, maybe your jealousy is not justified, or maybe you keep picking party girls.

What do your friends think about all this? How long had you two dated?

 

[parkingthecar]

Deleted because I didn't quote right

[parkingthecar]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

How old are you two? What is this about drinking? Does she go out for girls' night out several nights a week or something? Is that mainly how she entertains herself, going to bars? What else does she do for fun? Do you two have couple friends and hang out in a group, or does she hang out with friends most of the time without you?

I only know that when a couple becomes serious, their activities need to reflect that. A person can't always engage in the same activities they once did as a single person, or at least can't do it as regularly in the past, depending on circumstances. Mainly if the activity is harmful to the sanctity of the relationship.

I don't know if your feelings are justified or not, not knowing more details. If she's the only woman who has brought this out in you, maybe she's not acting like she should when in a monogamous relationship. If you have felt this way with everyone you've dated, maybe your jealousy is not justified, or maybe you keep picking party girls.

What do your friends think about all this? How long had you two dated?

 

We're both in our mid-twenties. She works at a bar so she pretty often goes out after work, or goes to see a show there. It's not too often, maybe once every two weeks without me. She's mostly a homebody, so she doesn't do too much but I don't either. We have some shared friends but don't really always hangout in a group setting. I try to be supportive of her when she goes out, but I get worried the later in the night it gets and I stop hearing from her. She always would end up calling me when she left, but that period between would drive me crazy. 

I haven't told my friends about it yet, because it's so fresh. I'm kind of just sitting on it, hoping that maybe we can talk things out. We were together for 8 months, and I know we both saw a genuine future with eachother. I typed out a long message of how i'm sorry, all of that stuff and how I plan on working on these issues, but I' waiting to send it to give her space. 

[parkingthecar]

10 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Don't you think you might need some one on one counseling to get to the root of your jealousy issues?   Obviously you know that it's wrong to lay this on someone you're dating, but you say you "can't help it."

As long as this is something you can't control, you probably are not a good relationship prospect, I'm afraid.  Especially for this woman who's already been on the receiving end of your jealousy.   

 

I do think I need counselling for it and I made an appointment to discuss it. I feel awful for what I did to her, and I do want to make things right by her. I want to work through my issues, but I want it to be with her.

[Jaunty]

Did you go off like that frequently when you were together?

[parkingthecar]

Just now, Jaunty said:

Did you go off like that frequently when you were together?

In the 8 months we were together, I had a big outburst probably 3 or 4 times. But there would be smaller instances too, like if someone I didn't know messaged her and i saw it, I would always ask who they were etc. The jealousys kind of a new thing, and I didn't have such an issue with it in my past relationships. I think its' becasue I was so scared of losing her I lost my mind a bit.

[Andrina]

If I had a bf going out to a bar twice a month without me, that just wouldn't work for me. I'm all for him occasionally going to a sports bar for wings and beer with a buddy a few times a year, but I prefer a partner who has hobbies and doesn't make liquor and bars a regular part of his leisure time.

Maybe you'd prefer someone different who has a lifestyle that doesn't involve going to bars several times a month and not being accountable to you. Of course you find her attractive and enjoy the good times, but to me it looks like the bad outweighs the good.

Get real with yourself. Perhaps with some time and distance away from the situation, you'll realize she did you a favor.

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry to say but she may well be completely done.  That kind of jealousy is a real deal breaker for some people and for good reason.  It can be frightening.  

I guess your best bet would be to respect her request for space, get your therapy lined up and actually underway, and then try to reach out again.

If your therapy is only conditional on getting her back, you might as well just not bother.  The issue you have is one that you will be able to work through, probably, IF you seriously want to change for YOURSELF.  If you're just doing it to get her back, your commitment to do the required work   is not deep enough.  I hope it is.   You're young and even if this relationship is really over, you have a lot of life ahead of you.   It will go a lot better if you ditch the toxic jealous guy aspect of your character.

Good luck.

[Jaunty]

7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If I had a bf going out to a bar twice a month without me 

Well ... she does work at the bar, and OP chose to be with her.  So that seems to be acceptable for him.

I really don't think that the fact that she works in a bar and goes out without him 2 x a month is really pertinent to his issue of going off on a major meltdown of jealousy, including accusing her of cheating, when he doesn't even really think she is.

Certainly this relationship might be doomed for any number of reasons, but this jealousy and the behavior needs to be dealt with by the OP himself.

[parkingthecar]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry to say but she may well be completely done.  That kind of jealousy is a real deal breaker for some people and for good reason.  It can be frightening.  

I guess your best bet would be to respect her request for space, get your therapy lined up and actually underway, and then try to reach out again.

If your therapy is only conditional on getting her back, you might as well just not bother.  The issue you have is one that you will be able to work through, probably, IF you seriously want to change for YOURSELF.  If you're just doing it to get her back, your commitment to do the required work   is not deep enough.  I hope it is.   You're young and even if this relationship is really over, you have a lot of life ahead of you.   It will go a lot better if you ditch the toxic jealous guy aspect of your character.

Good luck.

I appreciate the reality check, this genuinely isn't who I normally am. But, words are words and you're right, it's something I need to adress regardless of this relationship or not. The jealousy feels like *** on my part too, so definetly something I want to get rid of. 

[parkingthecar]

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If I had a bf going out to a bar twice a month without me, that just wouldn't work for me. I'm all for him occasionally going to a sports bar for wings and beer with a buddy a few times a year, but I prefer a partner who has hobbies and doesn't make liquor and bars a regular part of his leisure time.

Maybe you'd prefer someone different who has a lifestyle that doesn't involve going to bars several times a month and not being accountable to you. Of course you find her attractive and enjoy the good times, but to me it looks like the bad outweighs the good.

Get real with yourself. Perhaps with some time and distance away from the situation, you'll realize she did you a favor.

There were a number of things that worked well in the relationship, and I don't think that it was realistic for me to be so upset with her going out like she did, we're both young, and she's a bit younger than me so i get that she wants to enjoy that part of life. I do think I need to do some deep thinking though. 

[MissCanuck]

OP, what you need to realize is what all of this tells her about your perception of her. 

I dated a man like this once. The baseless accusations told me that he thought of me as some woman with no values, someone who ran around with different guys, someone who behaves like a woman of poor character. I felt incredibly demeaned and disrespected.

I am not that woman at all, and he refused to believe that no matter how many times I tried to reassure him I wasn't. And you know what? I got sick of being thought of as the sort of woman who cheats and has different men on her roster. 

I have never looked back, nor ever dated a man like that again. If a man can't see me for the respectable, morally-sound woman I am? He can go fly a kite. 

[tattoobunnie]

This one person I dated purposely hid a condom in my car and told me he found it to see if I was cheating. Then, he tried to "talk" to me while packing a gun.  I got a restraining order against him.

Unless you live together, are married, and are married with kids together, *** does she need to run her schedule by you?  Are you her dad?  Holy cow, she is so young, and is allowed to have her OWN DARN LIFE.

It's one thing if she's blowing plans off with you, or forgot to pick you up or meet you somewhere where you planned it out.  And you freak out on her when you don't recognize a contact?

Buddy, your behavior is toxic and controlling.  Maybe she is the wrong person for you or bringing the worst out in you, but no one should be made to be under your thumb.

Either way, let her go, and work on your insecurities.

[catfeeder]

20 hours ago, parkingthecar said:

How much space do I give her? I never told her to reach back out, just "okay."

You've already let her know you want to talk about this, so it doesn't matter that you didn't tell her to reach back out. The space to give her is infinite--unless and until she reaches back out to you. Otherwise, you'll just push her further away because she's done with your attempts to control her.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Well ... she does work at the bar, and OP chose to be with her.  So that seems to be acceptable for him.

I really don't think that the fact that she works in a bar and goes out without him 2 x a month is really pertinent to his issue of going off on a major meltdown of jealousy, including accusing her of cheating, when he doesn't even really think she is.

Certainly this relationship might be doomed for any number of reasons, but this jealousy and the behavior needs to be dealt with by the OP himself.

I echo this^ and asking OP are you verbally abusive during your "jealousy" outbursts? 

Or lord forbid physically abusive? 

If so or even if not, please seek professional help, there are deep issues here that need addressing before you enter into another relationship, I'm sorry to say this one is most likely done. 

 

[parkingthecar]

Little bit of an update: after reflecting I’m aware a lot of my behavior came from insecurities. I saw a therapist, and will continue to do so. 
 

she also messaged me clarifying that she didn’t cheat on me, and that she still needed time to think about thinks. After asking if it was okay, I sent her a message that was a combination of an apology and my thoughts. 
 

my behavior was toxic, and I take full accountability for that. But also, to clarify, I was never verbally or physically abusive- the extent of these outbursts was essentially an annoying partner who asks if you’re cheating on them, along those lines.

[Batya33]

14 hours ago, parkingthecar said:

the extent of these outbursts was essentially an annoying partner who asks if you’re cheating on them, along those lines.

For me that was a dealbreaker the once or twice it happened and in early days. I didn't need to see or think of it as abuse -it wasn't - but it was beyond the sort of annoying I can deal with -my husband and I can annoy each other and we deal with it/love each other/committed.  I dated someone who made comments in that area within 2-3 weeks of dating, then he told me he was getting therapy for it, he cut it out for a week or so -but only a week.  Then I was done.  We weren't even exclusive.  And not even outbursts.  Just a huge turn off - I'm totally good with someone who has insecurities at times -it depends how much and how it's manifested/projected in the relationship.  

I guess you'll see if she reaches out again after her reflections.