Mr

[K.B1088]

A few months back I went on a weekend away with my gf. I was speaking with my ex about our twin girls and how she felt exhausted and overwhelmed as she was on her own. I reassured her and told her that she was the best mum I could ask for to my girls. This comment has come and bit me, as when I showed my current gf she became upset. We don’t have children together, however she can’t seem to move past this comment and it’s now come to the point where she can’t continue this relationship. I love this girl more than anything and this is the only girl I’ve ever loved. What can I do to keep her? 

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, K.B1088 said:

What can I do to keep her? 

I would just tell her, she's the best girlfriend you've ever had. And if she wants to break up, whatever - your girls came from this women, and there's nothing wrong with appreciating your baby momma.

[Batya33]

She should be happy you complimented the mother of your children in this way.  Why did you show this comment to your girlfriend?

[K.B1088]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She should be happy you complimented the mother of your children in this way.  Why did you show this comment to your girlfriend?

She saw me writing a long message to someone, asked who it was so I showed her the message/s

[K.B1088]

18 minutes ago, K.B1088 said:

A few months back I went on a weekend away with my gf. I was speaking with my ex about our twin girls and how she felt exhausted and overwhelmed as she was on her own. I reassured her and told her that she was the best mum I could ask for to my girls. This comment has come and bit me, as when I showed my current gf she became upset. We don’t have children together, however she can’t seem to move past this comment and it’s now come to the point where she can’t continue this relationship. I love this girl more than anything and this is the only girl I’ve ever loved. What can I do to keep her? 

I should also mention that she has recently lost a close family member. This comment has come up in conversation before and she has tried to move past it but said she can’t 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, K.B1088 said:

She saw me writing a long message to someone, asked who it was so I showed her the message/s

Right.  I likely wouldn't show her personal messages.  I'm sorry for her loss.

[K.B1088]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Right.  I likely wouldn't show her personal messages.  I'm sorry for her loss.

I was showing her for transparency reasons 

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, K.B1088 said:

I was showing her for transparency reasons 

 

Right. I would have better boundaries and not be transparent/overshare about your contact with your ex girlfriend in front of your girlfriend.  There's no need to share that sort of thing.  If she asks you simply say it's personal.  Start to have those boundaries to show her that  you also have a private life which is essential and normal.  Or if it's relevant like if you're messaging about when you're going to pick up your children tell her generally "I'm messaging Mom about scheduling"

[bluecastle]

3 minutes ago, K.B1088 said:

I was showing her for transparency reasons 

 

What do you mean by this, exactly? Was your gf inherently suspicious of you, as in: Did you think she wouldn't have trusted you if you'd just told her what was going on? 

I understand you love your gf, and I suspect you've made that clear to her. If she cannot receive that love and accept that you are raising children with a woman you respect but are no longer involved with romantically—well, I'd say that makes it very clear you two are incompatible. A hard pill to stomach, I get, but a seriously important one given your life circumstances. 

[K.B1088]

2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

What do you mean by this, exactly? Was your gf inherently suspicious of you, as in: Did you think she wouldn't have trusted you if you'd just told her what was going on? 

I understand you love your gf, and I suspect you've made that clear to her. If she cannot receive that love and accept that you are raising children with a woman you respect but are no longer involved with romantically—well, I'd say that makes it very clear you two are incompatible. A hard pill to stomach, I get, but a seriously important one given your life circumstances. 

She asked to see them and as I didn’t think I had anything that was damming I let her see 

[bluecastle]

Just now, K.B1088 said:

She asked to see them and as I didn’t think I had anything that was damming I let her see 

Because you didn't. Let me make that clear: What you said to your ex showed maturity, understanding, and heart. 

I'm sorry that your gf couldn't see it that way. That doesn't mean you have to now bend. Giving up your maturity, understanding, and heart is a high price to pay for a relationship—with costs that will be felt by your kids. 

 

[K.B1088]

1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

Because you didn't. Let me make that clear: What you said to your ex showed maturity, understanding, and heart. 

I'm sorry that your gf couldn't see it that way. That doesn't mean you have to now bend. Giving up your maturity, understanding, and heart is a high price to pay for a relationship—with costs that will be felt by your kids. 

 

Thank you 

[smackie9]

I suspect this is not the first time she has questioned you, got suspicious/ jealous. Sorry that you love her so much....this is not who you should have in your life...someone that gets upset about you being (as Bluecastle described) a mature person that has a good relationship with their ex, coparenting. Having a healthy relationship with your ex is an excellent attribute. Don't let her push you out of keeping this. 

[K.B1088]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I suspect this is not the first time she has questioned you, got suspicious/ jealous. Sorry that you love her so much....this is not who you should have in your life...someone that gets upset about you being (as Bluecastle described) a mature person that has a good relationship with their ex, coparenting. Having a healthy relationship with your ex is an excellent attribute. Don't let her push you out of keeping this. 

No, to be fair, this is the first time my trustworthiness has been questioned. Thank you for you reply, it’s appreciated  

[bluecastle]

Just now, K.B1088 said:

No, to be fair, this is the first time my trustworthiness has been questioned.

Can I ask how long you've been together? 

[K.B1088]

Just now, bluecastle said:

Can I ask how long you've been together? 

Around 8 months 

[bluecastle]

13 minutes ago, K.B1088 said:

Around 8 months 

Okay, so that's still pretty new. And, frankly, the time when some of the early juju fades and you both have a chance to see what's really going on under the hood—and how well you really gel. 

Where things stand right now, has she officially ended things? 

[K.B1088]

1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

Okay, so that's still pretty new. And, frankly, the time when some of the early juju fades and you both have a chance to see what's really going on under the hood—and how well you really gel. 

Where things stand right now, has she officially ended things? 

Yeah it’s currently done. As I said before, she is dealing with the recent passing of a family member and I have said that we can take the pressure of our relationship out of the equation at the moment and just focus on that. She wants to keep contact with me (we don’t live together) but has categorically said it’s done

[MissCanuck]

56 minutes ago, K.B1088 said:

She wants to keep contact with me (we don’t live together) but has categorically said it’s done

I would let her go, then. 

Has she previously been jealous of your ex? 

[K.B1088]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would let her go, then. 

Has she previously been jealous of your ex? 

No previous jealousy

[MissCanuck]

I ask because it almost sounds like she was looking for an exit from this relationship, and chose this specific comment to make it your fault. 

[Coily]

1 hour ago, K.B1088 said:

She wants to keep contact with me (we don’t live together) but has categorically said it’s done

I wouldn't even bother staying in contact with her.

She revealed a rather unfortunate attitude, she may have been a lovely lady; but she is not right for you. 

[Seraphim]

I wouldn’t bother to stay in contact it might just cause you pain. It’s great that you have a good coparenting relationship for the sake of your children and if she can’t handle that, she’s not the right person for you.

[smackie9]

TBH I think the jealousy has been brewing in her head for awhile, possibly trying to accept it, or hoping the closeness with your ex would taper off, ....hence the hasty exit. 

[bluecastle]

28 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

TBH I think the jealousy has been brewing in her head for awhile, possibly trying to accept it, or hoping the closeness with your ex would taper off, ....hence the hasty exit. 

Agreed.

And, in that, I think you avoided what could have become a very messy situation. Have been in some of those myself, where you try to look past what is right in front of you in order to see what you want to see. 

There is another wonderful person walking the earth who will not be threatened by this stuff. I think you, and your kids, will be much better off if you put your energy into that idea than this woman.