Unsure if my friend is interested too

[JumpingCat]

So I (20m) have a friend (19f) who I know from highschool. In the 4 years we've become somewhat close friends.

About a year ago, I got feelings for her but couldn't do anything as she was travelling after high school. A month ago, I had a problem with a mutual friend and she offered to have lunch and talk about it. The lunch was great and we had a long walk along the lake after talking about the problem. I asked her if we could do it again (but it was never implied to be a date), she was excited and we had a great time again. The next week she was sick and I asked her to meet a week after that but she said she couldn't. I told her she could let me know if she has time.

It has been 2 weeks now and she hasn't asked me. I initiated texting after a week but she took way longer to respond (except for yesterday evening where she suddenly texted back every few minutes) and didn't seem to want the conversation keep going (but still seemed interested).

So now I don't know what to do. The semester will end in 2 weeks (we're in the same university but don't share any class) and after she surely won't be around for several weeks and then we have examinations until february. I thought I should give her some space for a week.
And then I don't know. Should I casually ask her to have lunch again and then ask her about dating? Or should I make my intentions clear upfront (ask her out on a date explicitly or tell her how I feel)?

I'd love having a relationship with her but also don't want to lose our friendship if she's not interested. I don't have experience in this area and would appreciate any advice.

[smackie9]

I think you already did what you could and she wasn't really responsive. An interested girl wouldn't hesitate, would make time and would keep in consistent contact, initiate another meeting, etc. She knows you have feelings for her, she picked up on that....so there comes the excuses, kinda her drawing the line not to go further. Keep the friendship and move on.

[JumpingCat]

Actually, she never made any excuse. She really was sick and when she couldn't after that she actually couldn't make it. But yeah, she didn't iniatiate another lunch and has been kinda passive texting. But your advice is very different from advice I've gotten from other people. They were actually split between asking her out or telling her how I feel and casually asking her again. To be honest I feel confused and a bit overwhelmed.

[catfeeder]

If someone isn’t excited enough about me to reciprocate my last invitation for plans, then I’m certainly not going to put myself out on a limb to say that I have feelings for them. That won’t sweeten the deal.

If she reaches out to get together, you can meet and get a sense for where she stands. If she doesn’t do that, then I’d keep my feelings to myself, expand my friend circle, and find other people to date.

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, JumpingCat said:

The next week she was sick and I asked her to meet a week after that but she said she couldn't. I told her she could let me know if she has time.

You left the ball in her court. That's where it should stay. I'm a woman and I never let a golden opportunity pass me by if I was truly interested in the guy. I wouldn't be dawdling and waiting around to lob the ball back or passively wait for him to ask yet again. I would be handing in my raincheck and letting him know I was now ready to meet up again.

Speaking as a woman again, we don't like to be pinned into a corner to have to outright say we are not interested. We are hoping the guy gets the clue with our behavior and then we can avoid that awkward talk.

Since you two have different relationship goals, you should lessen how much time you communicate with her. A lifelong friendship isn't in the cards when that friendship isn't platonic on both sides. When she gets a bf she will no longer be able to entertain those serious talks and one-on-one get togethers with you. And when you get a gf, she will likely intuit that you feel more for this "friend" than is healthy when you're a taken man.

Most of us have had crushes that don't pan out. It's a common thing, so join the club of disappointment. I've experienced it numerous times, but fate had someone else special lined up for me. Trust that everything will work out just as it should.

[yogacat]

I don't think she's interested, she's similar to you, she likes you as a friend, and she likes spending time with you. But I think she doesn't want a romantic relationship, she's not into you like that, she might even find the idea uncomfortable.

I think she's not interested but also doesn't want to hurt your feelings. 

It sounds like you have a good friendship and don't want to lose that, so my advice would be to continue that friendship and not push for anything more.
 

[MissCanuck]

I would not ask her again. 

As a woman, I can tell you that if I am excited about a guy but can't take him up on a date invitation, I would absolutely let him know when I am free so we can rearrange. I wouldn't want to miss my opprotunity to show interest, in case he got the wrong idea and backed away. 

This young lady isn't that interested, but I don't think she quite knows how to tell you that. Sometimes we need to read between the lines, and this is one of those times. 

[JumpingCat]

I'm so glad you all took some time to tell me your opinions. Thanks! I have talked to a few friends but never got an conclusive solution. But these answers were really helpful and make a lot of sense. I think I was too afraid that I lost a great opportunity. If she's interested, she'll reach out until the semester ends and if not I'll take some time for myself and accept that she doesn't reciprocate.

[TeeDee]

It's a timing issue right now.  Wait until next semester.  Maybe you will see each other when you are both home for the holidays.  Do wish her a Merry Christmas.  If you are doing something really fun for NYE, mention it to her & let her know that she & her friends are welcome to show up.  If she shows up then you might have something.  If she doesn't that may be your cue to back off.   A few weeks into the beginning of next semester you can invite her to study or hang out or something.  

[JumpingCat]

Maybe I have one more question. Before she told me she couldn't make it, things seemed so great. We definitely had much more eye-contact than before, she got closer to my physically and she regularly texted me responding quickly. Then it was like things suddenly changed. Was she initially interested and if so, is it normal that it could suddenly go away?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, JumpingCat said:

Maybe I have one more question. Before she told me she couldn't make it, things seemed so great. We definitely had much more eye-contact than before, she got closer to my physically and she regularly texted me responding quickly. Then it was like things suddenly changed. Was she initially interested and if so, is it normal that it could suddenly go away?

Sometimes life circumstances change how a person feels or their level of interest and sometimes it's not sudden - she showed interest in being close to you physically, not in going on an actual date -she probably sensed  that now you meant it as a date. I'm sorry you're disappointed!

[JumpingCat]

Hmm, ok. I just got the feeling she was open for more and maybe I'm overthinking but sometimes think I might have done something to upset her without knowing.

[Batya33]

Just now, JumpingCat said:

Hmm, ok. I just got the feeling she was open for more and maybe I'm overthinking but sometimes think I might have done something to upset her without knowing.

If you think you did something to upset her you can bring that up but I wouldn't try to guess or use it as an excuse to contact.  Sometimes if one person is really into the other person they try to read "signs" even though the only real sign about interest in dating is if the person says yes or says no I can't make it and then enthusiastically reschedules.

[JumpingCat]

Actually, I can't think of anything that possibly could have upset her. But I really think those signs were actually there. And we normally don't meet that often (actually we never met one on one), so when she said she had a great time and wanted to do this again soon after the second lunch, I thought there could be something. But I guess I'll never know what really happened.

[Batya33]

Just now, JumpingCat said:

Actually, I can't think of anything that possibly could have upset her. But I really think those signs were actually there. And we normally don't meet that often (actually we never met one on one), so when she said she had a great time and wanted to do this again soon after the second lunch, I thought there could be something. But I guess I'll never know what really happened.

Yes that can happen - sometimes we won't ever know and it's frustrating.  From now on I'd tell myself that the only sign that means anything about someone being interested in dating  you is if the person asks you out or accepts a date with enthusiasm. No other signs mean a thing.