My deadbeat dad is disappointed in me

[ElizaJ]

My father left us when I was very young. He refused to divorce my mother because he didn't want to pay alimony or child support. Mom was too poor to go to court. She worked hard to bring me up alone. Dad contributed very little. Whenever I called him, he didn't want to talk. He always said he had no money, though he had a high paying job.

Last year, when I was well into adulthood, dad suddenly contacted me and said he wanted to reconnect. Mom thinks it's because I'm not entitled for financial support anymore. She thinks dad always thinks everything in terms of money, and I'm inclined to agree with her.

I think a part of me was always starved for a father's affection, so I was overjoyed when he reconnected with me. But the problem is he has been very overbearing. He constantly criticizes everything about me. I couldn't afford to go to an expensive uni, and he thinks that is very disappointing. I told him about my financial constraints and he told me that if I get admitted, he would assist me with the tuition. I blindly believed him and got admitted, and now he's refusing to pay. He has fallen back into his old habits and saying that he has no money to give me. He said that he can pay for it in future, but the uni isn't going to wait.

I feel shocked and betrayed and stupid. I don't want to fall for his promises again. I'm thinking of rejecting the admission and getting a job instead, because I can't afford to get student loan. But when I told him about my decision, he said he was very disappointed. That I was squandering my potential. And I felt stupidly hurt. Mom doesn't get why I'm so concerned about his opinions. I guess I can't explain it either. I just wanted to trust him so badly. I wanted my father back. I wanted to make him proud. I feel like a failure.

How do I stop giving my dad so much importance? How do I establish boundaries? And how do I stop feeling like I've failed in life?

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, ElizaJ said:

But when I told him about my decision, he said he was very disappointed. That I was squandering my potential.

I would tell Dad that he's perfectly welcome to either put up or shut up.

If he wants good schooling for you, he'll need to step up to help you overcome the insurmountable barrier of the cost of the thing. If he's not willing to do that, then he's not in a position to criticize.

Also, with any and every criticism he raises going forward, I would remind him that I am a product of his neglect, and he's welcome to contribute the funds toward that correction at any time.

Head high, honey.

[Coily]

This sort of parent child dynamic is difficult. You are wanting to fill a hole, in this case one that your father's absence as a positive role model has created. For some it's easy to tell him to take a hike, but in other cases there is a want and desire to feel that you yourself aren't the cause of his disappointment. This is often a result of a father remaining semi in contact; without providing any real positive influence.

I advise against throwing anything back in his face, it does nothing for your growth. You will likely have to just tell him you aren't interested in his opinion and more importantly his (supposed) money. To try and guilt him will either lead to more foolish critiques on his part or other tension filled alienation; where you need to treat him more like a co-worker or distant relation.

Do not pay any petty game that gives him any sense of meaning in your life. Focus on what you're aspirations are, if he approves nice, if his disapproves.... well that's his own stupid opinion.

[Seraphim]

I had a horribly dysfunctional relationship with my dad. He was abusive and neglectful and refused a lot of the time to pay support as well. We WANT our parents to love us . I let my dad’s lack of caring affect me well into my 30’s. I understand it is hard but let him go he won’t ever be different. 

[yogacat]

It's tough because there is a part of you that wants so badly to have a positive relationship with your father. Unfortunately, it seems like he has a pattern of only being interested in rekindling a relationship when he has something to gain or when it's convenient for him.

On 12/7/2024 at 4:37 AM, ElizaJ said:

He said that he can pay for it in future, but the uni isn't going to wait.

I would tell him that you appreciate the offer to help with tuition, but due to his past behavior and promises that have not been kept, you will be handling things on your own. He is using his money as leverage to control and manipulate you, and that is not okay. 

My father wasn't the best growing up but as we got older, he made sure I was taken care of. That was only after I blocked him from my life for several years. Our relationship was eventually repaired but it took a lot of tough love on my part to set boundaries and not rely on him for anything.

[TeeDee]

On 12/7/2024 at 7:37 AM, ElizaJ said:

How do I stop giving my dad so much importance? How do I establish boundaries? And how do I stop feeling like I've failed in life?

It's hard because he's your dad & he's "supposed" to be your biggest champion.  It's natural to want his love. 

You are not a failure.  He's the failure as a dad & a human being.  You already know he's a liar & a deadbeat. 

Try writing down all the awful stuff he has done to you & your mom.  Read it over & then ask yourself why you want approval from someone like that? 

[tattoobunnie]

Why are you a failure? Because you don't want to be in massive debt attending university?  Don't listen to deadbeats - they are the biggest losers.  He lost out on getting to know you growing up.  Your worth is not through his eyes.  He cannot even keep his promises - zero accountability.

I'm sorry you feel you need validation through this deadbeat, but him being a deadbeat is not a reflection of what you did. He's just a waste of space.

I bet you are beautiful, wonderful, and have a cool mom. Congrats on your acceptance. Please work with your guidance counselor to see what scholarships and grants and aid are applicable to you.

[ShySoul]

I had a strained relationship with my father. Growing up he generally failed to give emotional support. By the time I was in college, I was having to make sure the financial aspects were being taken care of, while still lacking the emotional element. Yet I still loved and cared for him. We were never able to fully heal the rift between us, but I at least came to understand and appreciate him for what he could give.

You don't stop wanting your father to be important. You shouldn't want to. As messed up and irresponsible as he may be, he is still your father. Part of you will always want that connection.

The biggest step is to see him for the person he is. We want to believe in an idealized version, this great hero and man who will be there for us when we need them, someone who wipes away the tears or imparts great wisdom. Truth is our parents are flawed humans like anyone else. Separate the person you want him to be and find a way to recognize the person he is.

Take him for what he is and meet him where he is at. Don't have expectations of more. Start small and just have the kind of relationship where maybe you talk on the phone once in awhile or have lunch one day. Do what you can handle. If he starts to be too much, step back. It's okay. You don't have to make up for lost time or be super close. Just do what feels right for you.

Also know you aren't a failure. You didn't make him this way. His actions are his own, his choices. You can't control what another person does. All you can do is live your own life the way you want to live it. Pursue the things you want. Be the person you are. If you are striving to be a good person who is happy doing the things they love, then you haven't failed. So don't put pressure on yourself thinking you need to be anyone or please anyone else.

Hope you are doing well.