Xmas party not invited to husbands works party

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, poorlittlefish said:

Unless this party is during work time - which it clearly isn't - then the husband cannot be obligated to attend.  He is making the choice to, even though his wife is supposedly not permitted to accompany him when in previous years she was.  He could have declined the invitation, but if he wants to go and still keep his wife happy, then the obvious solution is, as already suggested, for her to stay in the hotel with him, even if it means getting their own room.  OP, if you propose this to your husband and he doesn't want you in the hotel then I think you have your answer: this party arrangement isn't all that it seems.

If he actually is cheating then of course that's not OK. But why should he not go to his work party if his wife can't go with him! This is actually a work party. She doesn't work there. It makes sense she wouldn't be invited by the company. He's still allowed to go to the party. She's feeling suspicious about the hotel and female colleague. I don't think the party itself is the issue.

[Batya33]

Often it's looked upon negatively not to attend the party or at least show up.  Depending on one's role in the company.  I went to mine one year (no spouses) and it was treacherous getting home since it snowed and the streets were slippery when I walked to the train station after. But I always made it a point to be seen, greet people, wish them well, show up.  Our party is pot luck/no alcohol from what I recall and a lunch during the work day -I'm hourly so I don't get paid to attend.  But I do if I can. 

My husband travels for business constantly and has regular business dinners. I don't think he drinks and if he does it's one glass of wine or maybe one beer. Only if everyone else is.  I've never questioned or felt the need to and he is friendly with female colleagues, coworkers, etc. 

In fact he asked me once if it was ok if he asked a female colleague if he could use her hotel room to shower after he had to check out -she would NOT be in the room at all -she'd be at the meetings- I know this woman -she's great. I told him not to though -I said she might feel awkward and/or might have personal stuff in the room/bathroom.  So, he did not.Thing is even though it was a nothing thing he checked in advance with me which is our relationship - above board and actually he wanted my opinion as he was on the fence about it. 

Many spouses travel and go to holiday parties and it's no biggie whether the spouse is invited or not.  Trust is what matters. OP if it were me I wouldn't like at all his comments about his female coworker, his attitude about you coming to the hotel - I'd  feel uncomfortable and separate and apart from a holiday party with no spouses -that is fine.  His behavior is NOT IMO.

[rainbowsandroses]

13 hours ago, caz70 said:

He has been acting shady all week. I really need to confront him over this, once I'm in a stronger position to do so (I'm awaiting a big operation). But once I've recovered I've got to address seriously some issues in my marriage..

^^This is significant. 

Him acting shady all week IMO might suggest he's hiding something and feels guilty, my best guess.

Question:  Does your operation coincide with this overnight party he's attending?  Who will be taking care of you when he's gone partying? 

If it does, that is valid enough reason for your husband to decline attending; any company would understand this. 

The fact he knew this woman at his previous job wherein they had this "flirtatioon" and she followed him to his new job is also significant imo.

His aggressive and defensive posture when you suggested staying at the hotel is also significant.

I'm not sure how confronting him will help, he's already shown you how aggressive and defensive he can be and you weren't even confronting him!  You simply "suggested" you could stay at the hotel!

Re trusting, jmo but we trust until they give us reason not to. 

I think here, in this situation, with everything you have shared, he's given you reason not to. Again jmo.

I know what I would do, leave or continue observing.  Give him enough rope he will hang himself eventually.

Just me, I react differently from most women, it has always served me well. 

But do what's best for you. 

Good luck with your operation and please do keep us posted. 💛

 

[yogacat]

39 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I know what I would do, leave or continue observing.  Give him enough rope he will hang himself eventually.

I agree with this. Especially the rope part. OP, I know it's hard because you want answers but it's clear his answers are not reliable. He is acting shady and no over night parties without spouses allowed?  Give. Me. A. Break.  Stay calm and focus on your surgery right now. Then focus HARD on what your real instincts are telling you. I've been cheated on ONCE and I didn't have to lift a finger, all I had to do was smile and listen to my gut instincts. And the truth came to me, then I left him. 

In any case, if your husband had done something sneaky, all you have to do is look back and remember the signs they left behind. They always do. You can't let this make you crazy because your recovery from surgery won't allow it and your husband will use it as a way to make you out to be a "psycho" wife (classic excuse when the jig is up).  

He's made it clear you're not invited.

I hope your surgery goes well.

[SophiaG]

15 hours ago, caz70 said:

I did say I could go with him and just stay in the hotel room while he has his party, he reacted in aggressive tone saying you can if you want, but everyone else will see me booking in , including this woman(as I met her once), it would make him look bad!

He is also very defensive saying he would never cheat on me

Did you accuse him of trying to cheat when suggesting you'll go with him?

Otherwise is your husband often defensive/aggressive when you call him out or speak up for yourself? Did he explain why seeing you there will make him look bad?

[catfeeder]

16 hours ago, caz70 said:

I did say I could go with him and just stay in the hotel room while he has his party, he reacted in aggressive tone saying you can if you want, but everyone else will see me booking in , including this woman(as I met her once), it would make him look bad!

I'd tell him it sounds to me like his work culture is toxic if it would look 'bad' for a man to bring his wife to a hotel for an overnight. I'd ask him to explain that to me.

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^This is significant. 

Him acting shady all week IMO might suggest he's hiding something and feels guilty, my best guess.

Question:  Does your operation coincide with this overnight party he's attending?  Who will be taking care of you when he's gone partying? 

If it does, that is valid enough reason for your husband to decline attending; any company would understand this. 

The fact he knew this woman at his previous job wherein they had this "flirtatioon" and she followed him to his new job is also significant imo.

His aggressive and defensive posture when you suggested staying at the hotel is also significant.

I'm not sure how confronting him will help, he's already shown you how aggressive and defensive he can be and you weren't even confronting him!  You simply "suggested" you could stay at the hotel!

Re trusting, jmo but we trust until they give us reason not to. 

I think here, in this situation, with everything you have shared, he's given you reason not to. Again jmo.

I know what I would do, leave or continue observing.  Give him enough rope he will hang himself eventually.

Just me, I react differently from most women, it has always served me well. 

But do what's best for you. 

Good luck with your operation and please do keep us posted. 💛

 

Sorry but I'm actually finding it annoying that there are posters here (e.g. yourself) saying he shouldn't go to the party because she's not coming. This is a WORK party. You implied the company must be well off and therefore can pay for + 1's to come. In my opinion even if they have the money, they don't have to do that. Throwing any work events is a way of team building and thanking employees for working there. They might even give a Christmas gift to the staff. Why should they do all this for people who actually DON'T work there? Even if they have money but they don't have obligation to spend it on people who don't even work there.

Also, not everyone is married or even in a relationship at all. Many people are single. So if they allowed a plus one, people might just bring a friend, their mother or brother or whatever. Then it becomes you're just allowing all these people to come who might not even be the employee's partner at all.

I actually think it's entitled to expect to be invited to a work party where you don't work. And the posters who are saying he shouldn't go, wow. And it's not "he's going partying." He's not going to a night club. It's a work event with all his colleagues there.

[Tinydance]

OK so you can call me naive but I never really suspected my partner of cheating unless I had good evidence for it. To me just the fact this woman "followed" him to the new job doesn't mean anything is going on. I wouldn't necessarily be using the term followed. More than a decade ago I worked in a mental health service which closed down. The staff were trying to help each other get a job somewhere else. E.g. If one person got a job then they were happy to recommend their colleague there too. I had a male colleague who was happy to help me like that too but there was definitely nothing going on with him. 

I think the thing more suspicious about this is the hotel. But again it really depends on the details. For example, I live in a big city of six million people. It's competitive to find work nowadays, especially in certain fields. So there are actually people who live quite far out of the city. Like an hour or two out. And they just catch the train every day to work. Usually they can also do this because half the week they work from home. So let's just say if it was such a person and their work had a party. Yes the party could be really far from where they actually live. 

However, if the party is being held very far from his actual work location, then yeah that's weird. But if it's him that lives far from the job, that's different.

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I actually think it's entitled to expect to be invited to a work party where you don't work.

I agree.

It's not a given that a +1 will be invited to a company party, even if it used to be standard in previous years. Companies do change the parameters on these things sometimes, and I don't think he should be expected to sit it out altogether just because his wife is not invited this time. That's a bit much. 

I don't get the impression that even the OP takes issue with him attending the party, in and of itself. Her discomfort seems to lie primarily in him not coming home after and also making her feel unwelcome to just hang in the hotel room or otherwise occupy herself while he goes to the party. 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

53 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Sorry but I'm actually finding it annoying that there are posters here (e.g. yourself) saying he shouldn't go to the party because she's not coming. 

Why did you quote my post calling me out for this?   I find that annoying tbh. 

First of all I never said that, what I said was **IF** her big surgery/operation coincides with this overnight holiday party, that is a valid reason for him to not attend and his company would understand.

Here is the U.S, it is customary that spouses and significant others attend a company holiday party especially when the party is being held out of town requiring a hotel stay. 

Unless it's work related like an event for sales reps for example.   This is not work related, it's a Christmas party, and out of town no less. 

I understand about company's cutting back on expenses, during Covid for example my firm held a holiday luncheon for just the employees. 

However, since hubby's company is shelling out the money for hotel accommodations for its employees (according to what her husband told her) it's highly unlikely money is the issue. 

So why is OP not invited when spouses were invited in the past? 

Her husband was quite adamant about it to the point of becoming aggressive and defensive when she inquired.  

If you don't see anything off or questionable about that, so be. 

I am quite perceptive about such things and I do!

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Why did you quote my post calling me out for this?   I find that annoying tbh. 

First of all I never said that, what I said was **IF** her big surgery/operation coincides with this overnight holiday party, that is a valid reason for him to not attend and his company would understand.

Here is the U.S, it is customary that spouses and significant others attend a company holiday party when the event is being held out of town requiring a hotel stay. 

Unless it's work related like an event for sales reps for example.   This is not work related, it's a Christmas party, and out of town no less. 

I understand about company's cutting back on expenses, during Covid for example my firm held a holiday luncheon for just the employees. 

However, since hubby's company is shelling out the money for hotel accommodations for its employees, it's highly unlikely money is the issue. 

So why is OP not invited?   Her husband was quite adamant about it to the point of becoming aggressive and defensive when she inquired.  

If you don't see anything off or questionable about such behavior, so be. 

I am quite perceptive about such things and I do! 

Well only in terms of plus ones being invited, I think it does depend on the country/culture. It's not common here in Australia. No job I ever worked at allowed plus ones, especially not if the company paid for it. Maybe if it was just the employees themselves in a particular department that suggested they go for a dinner or something and pay themselves. Then they could bring whoever they want. 

I'm not sure what to think of the hotel part. To me it would depend on the situation again. Like, if they're a big company and have out of town staff. Maybe they offer the hotel if you can't get home. But I do agree with the part that her husband shouldn't have an issue with her coming with him to the location. Like, while he's at the work party she could go out on her own or relax at the hotel.

[caz70]

2 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Did you accuse him of trying to cheat when suggesting you'll go with him?

Otherwise is your husband often defensive/aggressive when you call him out or speak up for yourself? Did he explain why seeing you there will make him look bad?

No I didn't accuse him of anything, it's him who came out with do you think I'm cheating or something? He said well come along then if you have to rather aggressively 

[caz70]

12 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

My husband always includes me for his company Christmas parties if it's after hours such as dinner somewhere.  Other spouses attend as well.  Some of his past Christmas parties were during his lunch hour at a nearby restaurant.  I did not attend his daytime holiday parties.  Other times,  he'll have a noon department potluck and I don't attend those either. 

He has never attended an evening Christmas party with an overnight stay.  Never.  If he had an evening Christmas party plus hotel stay,  of course,  he would include me. 

You should accompany your husband.  You'll have a good time. 

Problem is he said spouses aren't allowed!

[caz70]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I'd tell him it sounds to me like his work culture is toxic if it would look 'bad' for a man to bring his wife to a hotel for an overnight. I'd ask him to explain that to me.

Thanks for reply, I've asked him and he can't answer it, he said that if I came and stopped in the hotel I would have to stay without anyone seeing me? It sucks really does

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, caz70 said:

it's him who came out with do you think I'm cheating or something?

^^There is a name for this - consciousness of guilt I think.

[caz70]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^There is a name for this - consciousness of guilt I think.

I know I'm quite suspicious, just going to see how it all plays out, like someone else said if he is doing something he shouldn't, then eventually he will trip himself up one way or another. 

[caz70]

Guilty consciousness I think you meant(sorry I've just realised I'm meant to use this box when replying (new to forum).

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, caz70 said:

I know I'm quite suspicious, just going to see how it all plays out, like someone else said if he is doing something he shouldn't, then eventually he will trip himself up one way or another. 

I said that actually:

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I know what I would do, leave or continue observing.  Give him enough rope he will hang himself eventually.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

18 minutes ago, caz70 said:

Guilty consciousness I think you meant...

^ No I meant "consciousness of guilt" it means essentially the same.  You can Google it if you want to learn more about it.

It's their behavior, responses to being questioned that suggest they know they are guilty of whatever they are being questioned about no matter how innocently and non-accusatory the questions are being presented.

It's typically used in a court of law as circumstantial evidence when there is no solid proof but it's often used to determine guilt in situations like this too when you suspect someone is cheating/lying. 

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, caz70 said:

Thanks for reply, I've asked him and he can't answer it, he said that if I came and stopped in the hotel I would have to stay without anyone seeing me? It sucks really does

What information has he given you about the hotel? Does he get his own room? Are other staff also staying at the hotel nearby? Why can he not get home after the party? There's no train? I mean, I suppose it depends where you live. Here in my city trains run until about midnight on weekdays or literally all night on a Friday and Saturday night. And you can usually catch public transport at least halfway and then get an Uber or something. To me it does seem weird the work party would finish so late that there's no other alternative.

But having said that, you actually do sound really suspicious of your husband from the get go. How long have you been together? Are there other reasons you don't trust him?

The thing is, if someone wants to cheat, they can always do it. Doesn't matter if their colleagues are female, male, whatever. There are women everywhere and if someone decides to cheat they can easily find them. E.g. Tinder, prostitute, go to a bar. But if they don't want to cheat, they could have female friends, female colleagues, and they will NOT cheat. If you think your husband is someone who will cheat then that's the problem of itself. It's not his work policies, his work party, female colleagues, and so on. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, caz70 said:

Thanks for reply, I've asked him and he can't answer it, he said that if I came and stopped in the hotel I would have to stay without anyone seeing me? It sucks really does

Well, I'd tell him that's fine, I'd love to go. Then, when I got there, I'd be saying hello to everyone, making sure they all saw me. (Probably not the best move for my marriage, but I wouldn't be able to resist.)

[yogacat]

It's not always customary in the US to bring spouses/dates to holiday parties, but it can depend on the specific event and company culture. One year at a company I worked for we had an event in Atlantic City which was a 2 hour drive from our office, and spouses weren't invited.

You said you're having major surgery early next year so is it possible that you're feeling anxious about that? I mean you said if it had been any other year it wouldn't have bothered you as much. Not a direct connection, but maybe some things are moving through your mind as you think about the surgery. 

He did react aggressively when you suggested joining him for the party and that could be because he doesn't want to explain why you're there if spouses aren't invited, or he doesn't want to be questioned about who this woman is and why she's there with her husband being 50 miles away, who knows because I don't know the people involved. 

If you act out of jealousy and force yourself/kind of beg yourself to go and stay in his hotel room you'll just ruin the evening for yourself because both will know the motivation why you're there. 

It's one thing to ask because of concern, but it's another thing to outright go without an invite. Without an invite your conversation turns into "since I'm planning/trying/expected/should attend, I'm coming whether you invite or not" and at that point you're not asking to go with him because you wanted to go and experience the holidays with him, you're going to prevent him from potentially being intimate with his coworker. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, caz70 said:

Thanks for reply, I've asked him and he can't answer it, he said that if I came and stopped in the hotel I would have to stay without anyone seeing me? It sucks really does

Of course they can see you around -you just won't attend the party. My son and I joined his dad/my husband at his work retreat weekend years ago at a resort.  We didn't go to the meetings or the parties and did our own thing and didn't care who saw us.  My husband joined us the next day when his retreat ended and in between times.

[rainbowsandroses]

51 minutes ago, yogacat said:

One year at a company I worked for we had an event in Atlantic City which was a 2 hour drive from our office, and spouses weren't invited.

^^Fair enough, I also mentioned companies having company "events" out of town.  Such as sales events or company presentations or as incentives to employees.

However this wasn't just a company event it was a holiday party, which imo is different.  Again in the USA in my experience.

Companies have to be very careful and most are quite aware of the implications, they can be sued if anything untoward were to happen.

I'm actually a bit surprised they would choose a venue an hour away and offer to pay for hotel accommodations, NO spouses. It's just inviting trouble, I've seen it happen! 

Yes he could cheat locally and perhaps he is!  Or not we just don't know. 

That said this is all circumstantial, there is no actual proof.  It just doesn't look good, and like you OP, I would also be highly suspicious.

That's why I advised to stay quiet and continue observing.

Re trust, again for me I trust unless and until there is reason not to and jmo but I think here with everything combined, there is reason not to or at the very least be suspicious and question my trust. 

 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Of course they can see you around -you just won't attend the party.

Agree but he essentially told her she'd have to keep it a secret and not allow anyone to see her!

Why?  

Why keep it a secret from others?  Including the woman in question?

Something is not jiving!