Xmas party not invited to husbands works party

[caz70]

Hi everyone, 

I have been married for several years and my husband has not invited me to go with him to his works Christmas party this year. He has always invited me to works party's in the past, but he said that spouses haven't been invited this year. He has been at this job for 3 years now and this is the first year he is going. Plus last night he says he is staying overnight as it is too far to come home

Should I be concerned? I know that he has a close female colleague who he works with. 

 

 

 

[Coily]

How late do these parties run, and how far is too far? Do you trust your husband?

On one hand I don't like the panic mongering, when there seems to be little evidence. But I admit, I have a bit of a pause with the not coming home afterwards.  I would suggest you offer to come drive him back, no matter the distance, and see how he reacts. Also make the suggestion of some alone intimate time for the both of you that night; and follow through.

Sometimes work places change policy, and at the drop of a hat. Be cautious, but don't give into paranoia.

[Tinydance]

Well I think you probably need to find a bit more information. Where is the work party being held? Is it really so far from your place that he can't get home? If it's not far then yeah it sounds suspicious.

But just coming at it purely from a "work party" perspective. These parties cost the business money. With most of my partners I've had, nobody was invited to their work party except the actual people who work there. Also sometimes a company may initially allow people a plus one. But if they start doing less well financially or venues start to cost more, etc. Then they can no longer afford to have people who don't work there come to the Christmas party.

Here in Australia it's actually not common for people to be allowed at a workplace party unless they do actually work there. Or in rare cases if they're allowed to come then they might need to pay for themselves.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, caz70 said:

Plus last night he says he is staying overnight as it is too far to come home

Staying overnight where, exactly? 

3 hours ago, caz70 said:

he said that spouses haven't been invited this year.

This could well be true. If a business is cutting expenses, extending the invite to partners would very likely become a thing of the past. I have worked for a company like this, where the partners used to attend Xmas parties but then policy changed when the business had a bad year financially. Could that be the case here?

[Kwothe28]

Dunno if there is a different culture where you are at, but here, nobody brings spouses to that kind of parties. Because, yes, it costs money per plate so its just employees only. You invite people with family on private parties, but company parties are usually employee only because it pays out of company pocket. Even his other thing sounds reasonable. If he would drink or if he is tired he would certainly not drive and maybe come home the next day when he rests.

You think he would maybe cheat and that is why you are not invited and he would spend the night elsewhere. But that is something between you and him and you not having trust and having suspicion in his behavior.

[poorlittlefish]

Why would the company book its Christmas party somewhere that is so far for employees to travel to that they have to stay overnight?  The party itself may (or may not) be for employees only, but why can't you turn it into a joint trip for the overnight stay?  It's not likely he's going to be in a room with a single bed.  You can entertain yourself while he's at the party, but you can spend the rest of the trip as a couple.

[caz70]

3 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Why would the company book its Christmas party somewhere that is so far for employees to travel to that they have to stay overnight?  The party itself may (or may not) be for employees only, but why can't you turn it into a joint trip for the overnight stay?  It's not likely he's going to be in a room with a single bed.  You can entertain yourself while he's at the party, but you can spend the rest of the trip as a couple.

He says the company has booked his hotel room?

[caz70]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Staying overnight where, exactly? 

This could well be true. If a business is cutting expenses, extending the invite to partners would very likely become a thing of the past. I have worked for a company like this, where the partners used to attend Xmas parties but then policy changed when the business had a bad year financially. Could that be the case here?

He says he is staying 50 miles away?

[caz70]

7 hours ago, Coily said:

How late do these parties run, and how far is too far? Do you trust your husband?

On one hand I don't like the panic mongering, when there seems to be little evidence. But I admit, I have a bit of a pause with the not coming home afterwards.  I would suggest you offer to come drive him back, no matter the distance, and see how he reacts. Also make the suggestion of some alone intimate time for the both of you that night; and follow through.

Sometimes work places change policy, and at the drop of a hat. Be cautious, but don't give into paranoia.

Thanks for your reply, I don't drive otherwise I would have offered, plus the venue is 50 miles away.

[caz70]

3 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Why would the company book its Christmas party somewhere that is so far for employees to travel to that they have to stay overnight?  The party itself may (or may not) be for employees only, but why can't you turn it into a joint trip for the overnight stay?  It's not likely he's going to be in a room with a single bed.  You can entertain yourself while he's at the party, but you can spend the rest of the trip as a couple.

Thanks for your reply he has said the company booked the room. I just don't know what to make of it? I am going through a lot at the moment,  having major surgery early next year. It wouldn't have bothered me as much if it had been any other year.

[caz70]

10 hours ago, caz70 said:

Hi everyone, 

I have been married for several years and my husband has not invited me to go with him to his works Christmas party this year. He has always invited me to works party's in the past, but he said that spouses haven't been invited this year. He has been at this job for 3 years now and this is the first year he is going. Plus last night he says he is staying overnight as it is too far to come home

Should I be concerned? I know that he has a close female colleague who he works with. 

 

 

 

After reading all the good replies here I would like to add a few things.... he says that  he wants to drink hence why he doesn't want to drive back(50 miles away venue) .I would have offered to drive him home but I don't drive. Its the staying away I'm not keen on.

[smackie9]

My husband's company stop having spouses at Christmas parties for awhile now. And yes they have had out of town parties. One was to a popular ski resort. So it's not that uncommon to have these long distance parties.

The thing is, you have no control over his actions. If a spouse is going to cheat, they are going to cheat, or find a way to cheat. Simple as that. On another note, nothing could happen and it's just a fun company party.

This isn't just about the party...he's been sus for awhile? What has led you up to this point?

 

 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, caz70 said:

He says the company has booked his hotel room?

That doesn't mean you can't stay in it with him. If it's not private, then offer to pay for your own room for the two of you. The company can fill his bed with someone else.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, caz70 said:

He says he is staying 50 miles away?

Why do you post this as a question? Do you suspect this isn't true?

14 hours ago, caz70 said:

I know that he has a close female colleague who he works with. 

This seems to be what is truly concerning you. Tell us more about this. Why do say they are close? Do they talk a lot, or hang out, or...? 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, caz70 said:

He says the company has booked his hotel room?

17 hours ago, caz70 said:

I know that he has a close female colleague who he works with. 

So the company has and expended the money to book his (and other employees) hotel room(s), which I would assume is quite expensive....

but they cannot afford to invite the spouses this year? 😳

I dunno does this make sense to you?  It doesn't to me. 

@caz70sorry to say but this doesn't NOT look good.

I've been attending my own company's holiday parties for years and have been the +1 at others and I know of no reputable company who would book its party at a location so far away that hotel rooms are required but NOT invite the spouses. 

I mean with the drinking and partying and lord only knows what else among employees, that's a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Are you certain it's even for a Christmas party?  Do you have any friends at his company you can confirm this with?  

Me thinks he's telling you a "story." it sounds incredibly and almost blatantly shady. 

I'm sorry I wish I could be more positive.

[yogacat]

We just had our annual holiday party and no one brought their spouses/significant others. Company expenses and all that. But sounds like you don't trust your husband with this female colleague. I've also been to company parties where we stayed overnight and no spouses attended.

Something is giving you pause about the female colleague, though. What is it that makes you feel uneasy about her? Do you feel like there may be something inappropriate between them? If so, that is an issue that should be addressed and discussed with your husband.

[caz70]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So the company has and expended the money to book his (and other employees) hotel room(s), which I would assume is quite expensive....

but they cannot afford to invite the spouses this year? 😳

I dunno does this make sense to you?  It doesn't to me. 

@caz70sorry to say but this doesn't NOT look good.

I've been attending my own company's holiday parties for years and have been the +1 at others and I know of no reputable company who would book its party at a location so far away that hotel rooms are required but NOT invite the spouses. 

I mean with the drinking and partying and lord only knows what else among employees, that's a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Are you certain it's even for a Christmas party?  Do you have any friends at his company you can confirm this with?  

Me thinks he's telling you a "story." it sounds incredibly and almost blatantly shady. 

I'm sorry I wish I could be more positive.

 

Thanks for your reply.

No I unfortunately don't have any friends who work at his company...I think you are right...he has been acting shady all week. I really need to confront him over this, once I'm in a stronger position to do so (I'm awaiting a big operation). But once I've recovered I've got to address seriously some  issues in my marriage

[caz70]

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

We just had our annual holiday party and no one brought their spouses/significant others. Company expenses and all that. But sounds like you don't trust your husband with this female colleague. I've also been to company parties where we stayed overnight and no spouses attended.

Something is giving you pause about the female colleague, though. What is it that makes you feel uneasy about her? Do you feel like there may be something inappropriate between them? If so, that is an issue that should be addressed and discussed with your husband.

Thanks for your reply. I think there could be some sort of flirtation going on with this woman. She used to work with him at his old job , as soon as he left she followed. When I asked him about her, he just said the old companies bosses were picking on her the same they were with him. She is also married to a man a lot older than herself, my husband is always commenting that he is punching above his weight?.Something isn't adding up here to me. I have always tried to act in a cool way about it so he can't say I'm a typical jealous wife, but I think sooner or later I'm going to have to address this issue once I'm in a stronger position to do so, awaiting surgery soon. I did say I could go with him and just stay in the hotel room while he has his party, he reacted in aggressive tone saying you can if you want, but everyone else will see me booking in , including this woman(as I met her once), it would make him look bad!

He is also very defensive saying he would never cheat on me as his ex wife did that to him and he wouldn't hurt anyone else the way he had been hurt! ... mind games at the very least I think!

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

OP, did he actually tell you that the company is cutting expenses and that's why spouses are not invited this year?

I know a few of us speculated that this could be a plausible reason, but I don't recall you mentioning this as the reason your husband gave you. Did he say why the guest list is different this year? 

[Cherylyn]

My husband always includes me for his company Christmas parties if it's after hours such as dinner somewhere.  Other spouses attend as well.  Some of his past Christmas parties were during his lunch hour at a nearby restaurant.  I did not attend his daytime holiday parties.  Other times,  he'll have a noon department potluck and I don't attend those either. 

He has never attended an evening Christmas party with an overnight stay.  Never.  If he had an evening Christmas party plus hotel stay,  of course,  he would include me. 

You should accompany your husband.  You'll have a good time. 

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You should accompany your husband. 

It seems OP would like to, but it's pretty clear her husband doesn't want her to:

5 hours ago, caz70 said:

I did say I could go with him and just stay in the hotel room while he has his party, he reacted in aggressive tone saying you can if you want, but everyone else will see me booking in , including this woman

 

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It seems OP would like to, but it's pretty clear her husband doesn't want her to:

 

Since her husband said his wife can go with him,  she should speak up and be at his side during the party and who cares if everyone else will see her booking in?  OP @caz70 is his wife and she has every right to be at the party and during their hotel stay. 

[MissCanuck]

11 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Since her husband said his wife can go with him,  she should speak up and be at his side during the party and who cares if everyone else will see her booking in?  OP @caz70 is his wife and she has every right to be at the party and during their hotel stay. 

I agree with you, to be clear. 

However, it doesn't sound like our OP is going to force her presence where it isn't wanted. 

And if it is true that spouses are not invited, being at his side during the party is not an option. You'd think her husband would be happy for her to welcome him back to the hotel room afterwards, but this is unfortunately not the case. It's obvious he doesn't really want her there at all, which is sad. 

[poorlittlefish]

Unless this party is during work time - which it clearly isn't - then the husband cannot be obligated to attend.  He is making the choice to, even though his wife is supposedly not permitted to accompany him when in previous years she was.  He could have declined the invitation, but if he wants to go and still keep his wife happy, then the obvious solution is, as already suggested, for her to stay in the hotel with him, even if it means getting their own room.  OP, if you propose this to your husband and he doesn't want you in the hotel then I think you have your answer: this party arrangement isn't all that it seems.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I agree with you, to be clear. 

However, it doesn't sound like our OP is going to force her presence where it isn't wanted. 

And if it is true that spouses are not invited, being at his side during the party is not an option. You'd think her husband would be happy for her to welcome him back to the hotel room afterwards, but this is unfortunately not the case. It's obvious he doesn't really want her there at all, which is sad. 

Yes,  it is sad and not a marriage made in heaven,  unfortunately.  😔 ☹️

There are more underlying issues in this marriage than just the Christmas party,  distance,  hotel stay and arguments over this.  It's a character problem.  Often times,  it's the character problem which cannot be fixed and often times incurable.  I hope there is change for the better in @caz70's marriage's sake.