Dating Platform Etiquette

[yogacat]

So I added this man on FB dating. And within a few minutes he bombarded me with messages. I had to mute him because I was getting a message every 10 seconds and couldn't even read/keep up with his messages.

I quickly unmatched him because I felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I've been thinking of online dating again but this experience has made me hesitant.

Is this typical with online dating. I admit I have been out of the dating game for a while so I am not sure if this is typical or not. I think sometimes people can sometimes feel more bold online because of the anonymity it provides. They may not think about how their actions are coming off to the other person?

[Coily]

Definitely not the norm. Sounds like you got a dud on the first round back, sorry to say.

It would be one thing if there were a mutually engaged conversation; but this is just trash behavior. Then again as a guy, on line dating is pretty much just hoping for a conversation to just begin and flow; but I wouldn't cut anyone slack who blew up my messages (for just about any reason).

That said, I had a few moments where a woman I was chatting with was expecting me to blow up her phone; as some other guys did it; she wanted to feel chased. Not my flavor.

I would encourage you to not let one clown ruin it for the other decent guys out there you may connect with. That's the hardest part i think for women with OLD, one bad experience and they leave. Where a lot of men will just sit there doom scrolling through dating apps. A sad cycle honestly.

Also FB dating.... it's extra special at times. lol

 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, yogacat said:

They may not think about how their actions are coming off to the other person?

I dont think most people care enough. He tried to you, he will try the same to some other woman where maybe his tactics pass etc. When it comes to social media sites like FB, I always come back to my late mothers friend. Who is 60+ and still gets D pics from strangers. Its a strange world out there.

I dont think its typical for online dating. Think most people usually sends a message and waits for answer. But you would get wide area of personalities for sure. Even married men who want something from the side. So you should be careful if you do it.

[poorlittlefish]

I've had the worst experiences from Facebook dating, to the extent that my mantra was "Nothing good ever comes from Facebook dating".  With so many users, all dating sites are going to have their weirdos, but definitely cast your net wider than Facebook.

[smackie9]

When you deal with strangers/the public, you are going to get some crazies, people with mental disorders, criminals, scammers, etc. It's not about etiquette, it's about safety and protecting yourself.

IMO the best way to meet someone is through friends, social events.

[yogacat]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

When you deal with strangers/the public, you are going to get some crazies, people with mental disorders, criminals, scammers, etc. It's not about etiquette, it's about safety and protecting yourself.

IMO the best way to meet someone is through friends, social events.

True. Albeit I know of several people that met their SO's through online dating. So I wouldn't say it's impossible. I've met a few screwies in real life too. And I've met some really decent people in real life. I guess it's a mixed bag. 

[catfeeder]

I would not say typical, but I've run into my fair share of crazies. I've never used FB dating--I don't even use FB beyond liking stuff my friends post and enjoying when I'm tagged. But, really, it would make me uncomfortable using my full name for dating along with all my links to friend contacts.

Maybe keep it to sites where you can use a pseudonym or first name only until you are comfortable enough with any given match to exchange more personal info?

My standout story was a guy who immediately wanted a phone convo and launched straight into future-speak about introducing me to his mother... When I ended the call feeling really uncomfortable, he pummeled my voicemail with hostile messages.

[Batya33]

I met many good men through online dating and some of my friends now have grown kids from marriages starting with a click lol. What  you described would tell me all I needed to know -this person missed that day in kindergarten where basic manners were taught.  Nothing to do with how the communication is happening. Next.

[yogacat]

I honestly dislike keeping up with the messages when they're that frequent. I had thought FB dating would be different but it seems to be a bit of a free-for-all. I'm trying not to be so guarded, one guy years ago contacted me online and he turned out to be a bit of a loon that I was fearful of doing anything online. But I am trying to find that balance between 1) not having my guard up to high and remaining guarded. One guy just messaged me out of the blue on another platform and asked for my socials but I just said to give me his instead.

I do know of another woman that met her long-term boyfriend on FB dating so there are definitely success stories out there. It's just a matter of sifting through the messages I suppose and setting boundaries for yourself. 

[catfeeder]

29 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It's just a matter of sifting through the messages I suppose and setting boundaries for yourself. 

Yes, and in terms of FB, consider whether you want to use your full name when dealing with strangers you haven't vetted yet. That alone would creep me out.

[Coily]

48 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yes, and in terms of FB, consider whether you want to use your full name when dealing with strangers you haven't vetted yet. That alone would creep me out.

You don't have your full name available, nor much ID-ing info. Then again what little I use it for I have my info locked down tight.

[yogacat]

I typically never add ANYONE on my FB unless I know them in real life. Unless they're mutual friends of friends, this guy was that's why I added him. But he's muted now so I'm not too concerned/bothered.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Coily said:

You don't have your full name available, nor much ID-ing info. Then again what little I use it for I have my info locked down tight.

 

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

I typically never add ANYONE on my FB unless I know them in real life. Unless they're mutual friends of friends, this guy was that's why I added him. But he's muted now so I'm not too concerned/bothered.

Thanks, guys. shows what little I know of FB. I’m still optimistic that most people on dating sites are goodwill operators, and those who pull a freak out aren’t cognizant of the impact or deliberately trying to troll anybody.

I think anyone who is open to dating should pursue all available methods of meeting potential matches, and wherever there are weird experiences, consider those an anomaly rather than allowing those to curb your potential to use an otherwise valid tool. 

[yogacat]

15 hours ago, catfeeder said:

 

Thanks, guys. shows what little I know of FB. I’m still optimistic that most people on dating sites are goodwill operators, and those who pull a freak out aren’t cognizant of the impact or deliberately trying to troll anybody.

I think anyone who is open to dating should pursue all available methods of meeting potential matches, and wherever there are weird experiences, consider those an anomaly rather than allowing those to curb your potential to use an otherwise valid tool. 

Thank you Catfeeder!  I agree, many people are lovely open hearted and sincere people. I am certain that there are many people who are having new dating experiences which feel overwhelming and alarming to them, and that as a result of the learning curve, situations may result that are less than optimal in the quick fast paced environment online. 

[smackie9]

ya it's about growing a thick skin. Onward and upwards.

[Sam1986]

On 12/7/2024 at 2:47 AM, yogacat said:

So I added this man on FB dating. And within a few minutes he bombarded me with messages. I had to mute him because I was getting a message every 10 seconds and couldn't even read/keep up with his messages.

I quickly unmatched him because I felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I've been thinking of online dating again but this experience has made me hesitant.

Is this typical with online dating. I admit I have been out of the dating game for a while so I am not sure if this is typical or not. I think sometimes people can sometimes feel more bold online because of the anonymity it provides. They may not think about how their actions are coming off to the other person?

Not uncommon I'd say.

Online dating hyperexaggerates existing dating strategies that differ between men and women, and its a reinforcing vicious circle.
The root cause behind men being far more "aggressive" (in the lack of a better word, though I dont mean this literally) is because women are far more selective than vice versa, and online dating exacerbates this.
The problem with online dating however is that since women are selective, men have to compete much harder to stand out more, and this includes being very quick at texting, showing a ton of interest, and coming up with clever banter to hold the woman's attention.

The unfortunate side effect of this however is that it floods women's inboxes (since men are competing harder), and this causes them to be more selective about which men they will respond to, which reinforces the cycle.

The problem of competition in online dating is also made worse in that women (when given virtually unlimited choice of suitors) is that they tend to respond to men that are out of their league (for long-term serious dating), but who are eager to score some easy sex and thus face no pressure to settle down.
Unfortunately for women, this inflates their perceived market value for long-term dating (which can create a self worth narrative something along the line of "I am getting a ton of matches with these very handsome men, so I am probably an 8-9 out of 10 and will only accept the same or better").
We thus get a situation (which has been documented extensively by research), where women rate 80% of men as "below average" (and thus not dating material), even though such a distribution is nonsensical from a statistical point of view (the average in this context is the median, where 50% should be above and 50% below).
Men on the other hand (that is, men in the 80% and below category) hardly get any matches at all (which has also been documented extensively), and thus have to become hyper-focused to have any chance of standing out in that competition (which they will likely never do anyway).
And since most men do want to find SOMEONE, men will often just swipe mindlessly to at least have the hope of getting ONE match, which leads men to swipe even more on women than they originally would (and men are already less selective than women are).
Curiously enough, the opposite is true for the most desired men (as in, the top 1-2%, as they are so rare (relatively speaking) that they too get flooded with attention. Which means that if a guy isn't aggressive yet very attractive, chances are good that this guy is just using the dating service as a tool to get quick and easy sex with no commitment.

 

Case in point: I am currently dating a woman that within just a few days had over 8000 "likes" on a dating app. Meanwhile I had 8 on that same dating app, and those are 8 that I have gathered up in about half a year). Thats a 1000x fold difference, and very common. Fortunately I am (apparently) near the top 20% (not quite though), and thus I actually get some matches from time to time, which leads to the occasional date. For the majority of men though this is not the case, and thus the average man has to swipe about 30 000 times for one match to occur (recent research suggested that the number for the median man lies around that number). This drives very aggressive behaviour in order to stand out, and there is no quick fix to this as it's the result of a systemic problem (different dating strategies between the sexes rooted in biology, fuelled by modern dating infrastructure that exacerbates it to an extreme extent).

 

Probably more than you asked for, but this is essentially a more systemtic explanation to what drives modern online dating and why such heavy aggressive texting is not uncommon. He might or might not be a creep, but he is most definitely trying to stand out before you lose interest over someone else.
The fact that your immediate gut instinct is to withdraw (even if understandable), just illustrates my point in that it contributes to keep driving the current dating market dynamic into the same repeating pattern.
It is what it is unfortunately, though my advice for women that get flooded with attention online is to try to understand this pattern from the male perspective, pick few men to talk to rather than swipe for more possible suitors, and give these men your attention until an actual red flag shows up (which early aggressive texting is not). There is a good chance that an aggressive texter will calm down once he feels that you might actually be interested back, though you are obviously by no means obliged to. But if he keeps showing other traits that are actual red flags (such as being abusive in any way), then obviously drop him immediately.

[Batya33]

I don’t agree. People who have basic manners might feel more aggressive or in pursuit or a sense of urgency but wont act on it because their commons sense and basic kindness and courtesy kick in. Just like in many many situations where we communicate with people we don’t know but want something from via email or text. 
I received a business sales call from our bank the other day. He wants to close the deal. Like a dater. He called me at a very bad time. In the street lugging perishable groceries. I immediately asked him if it was an urgent matter with our account. He was evasive. His motive was to selfishly keep me on the phone. He launched into a pitch. I again told him how unsafe it was for me to stay on the phone but I would if it was urgent. I had to do this 3 times before he finally admitted it. Then he emailed me three times I responded to the first one repeating that he cannot call me again and it almost seemed like a scam. He really didn’t get it. He kept pursuing this trying to get me to have my husband call to hear his sales pitch. Yes it was our bank.
Yes this man lacks common sense and manners. Yes it’s like dating. He was aggressive acting on his sales motives and not giving a darn about how he was inconveniencing me a coming across rudely.  People with common sense know how to approach people they want to sell something to or want to date or get to know better. They don’t act on the temptation to be full on. 

[Sam1986]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t agree. People who have basic manners might feel more aggressive or in pursuit or a sense of urgency but wont act on it because their commons sense and basic kindness and courtesy kick in. Just like in many many situations where we communicate with people we don’t know but want something from via email or text. 
I received a business sales call from our bank the other day. He wants to close the deal. Like a dater. He called me at a very bad time. In the street lugging perishable groceries. I immediately asked him if it was an urgent matter with our account. He was evasive. His motive was to selfishly keep me on the phone. He launched into a pitch. I again told him how unsafe it was for me to stay on the phone but I would if it was urgent. I had to do this 3 times before he finally admitted it. Then he emailed me three times I responded to the first one repeating that he cannot call me again and it almost seemed like a scam. He really didn’t get it. He kept pursuing this trying to get me to have my husband call to hear his sales pitch. Yes it was our bank.
Yes this man lacks common sense and manners. Yes it’s like dating. He was aggressive acting on his sales motives and not giving a darn about how he was inconveniencing me a coming across rudely.  People with common sense know how to approach people they want to sell something to or want to date or get to know better. They don’t act on the temptation to be full on. 

What part of what I wrote don't you agree with?

This is online dating, and there is no cost associated with texting aggressively.
Most men already get no matches, so for them there is close to zero downside to texting hard and fast.
Heck there's actually an upside to it, which is very clear when I evaluate all of the hundreds of women I've matched up with in the last decade.
If you are not at least somewhat aggressive in your texting (this is a scale and not a binary thing, obviously), you will not get dates as a man, period.
This isn't my opinion or anything, this is just how online dating works for men, and especially once I had texted hundreds of women I can somewhat reliably say what sort of approach that works statistically speaking (assuming you even get matches like I did, which most men dont).

• If you don't write first as a man, the woman will rarely if ever make the first move - I'm talking about way less than 5% of cases here where women make the first move after a match occurs, probably less than 2% of cases even. I havent specifically counted this, but it's very rare that a woman ever tries to initiate contact and put in some half decent effort.
• If you do not text somewhat reliably (within a few hours at most), the conversation will nearly always die out as the woman is much less likely to try keep the conversation alive (usually because she has plenty of other options vying for her attention on that platform).
• If you do not try to create a good conversation, or try to keep the conversation alive when the woman gives a short answer with no substance, the conversation will likely die out immediately.
• The conversations that had the highest likelihood of landing me a date, were conversations where both sporadically texted hard and fast (usually within the first 1-2 days of the match happening). Heck, I've even gotten two past serious relationships out of online dating, and in both cases my two exes in question were very eager about texting as well and I could set up the date rather quickly.
• Conversely, the women who replied 1-2 times a day (usually after some hours or even a day or two), those usually never led to an actual date and were mostly just wasting my time as a man. Whether I asked quickly for a date or delayed it (due to their low amount or frequency of responses), the chance of that actually happening was slim (and very often followed by some bad excuse right up until the time of the date).

 

Again, this isnt my "opinion" about how dating ought to be online, this is just my experience from what actually works in online dating, and what sure as hell doesn't work. Nor do I condone aggressive texting (I don't necessarily think its wrong either though), I am just explaining why it happens and why men continue to do it.

[Batya33]

I don't agree that harranguing a stranger with multiple texts is appropriate in any context much less effective. Dating is dating. I met men in person and through dating sites, then in person but I never dated online - we met ASAP in person and I met over 100 men in person.  None of them who I met conducted themselves in this way because it defies common sense.  Did they initiate asking me out on a real date -yes - I didn't typically ask men out.  Did they contact me first- many did -or I contacted them. The contacts before meeting are not dating -they are simply the way you exchange phone numbers or make a plan to meet in person then if you click in person then you go on a real date if you both wish to -that is the date.  I suggested first meets as I had no interest in having a chat buddy.  I let the man ask me out.  If he typed to me words that were aggressive I nexted him.  If he double messaged me or started calling me a lot - that was a red flag and I likely nexted him.  I think what you describe works for people who want to meet for a casual fling or sex but not for people who are reasonably healthy and relationship minded and using dating sites in order to date in person.

[Sam1986]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't agree that harranguing a stranger with multiple texts is appropriate in any context much less effective.

 

I let the man ask me out.  If he typed to me words that were aggressive I nexted him.  If he double messaged me or started calling me a lot - that was a red flag and I likely nexted him.

Whether or not it is appropriate (a subjective opinion) is irrelevant, I'm just describing why people do it and why it works. And it is effective, which is quite obvious when you enter the online dating scene as a man. Play it cool and you will generally get very little out of it, because the competition in pure numbers just works against men. Hence you have to get a woman's attention fast, because you are competing against potentially hundreds if not thousands of other men who also want that attention. Heck, even if we don't count the skewed dynamics (men generally swipe on short of half of women on dating apps, whereas women swipe on about 5%), the number of men versus women on dating apps and online dating services are also vastly skewed towards men being in the majority (often around 2 to 3 men per woman). Now add in the far less selective nature of men versus that of women, and you have an absolute ***show when it comes to matching options for the average man versus the average woman.

As for the second paragraph this illustrates my point I am making. Women (generally) have the luxury of plentiful options and can "next" people for rather miniscule things (heck, I've had female friends that would sometimes even left swipe people because of what they thought was an ugly shirt, weird smile or the type of dog they had, before we're even talking about all the reasons they would "next" someone over a minor conversational issue), whereas the average man generally has two swipe on hundreds if not thousands of women in order to get a single match (and much, much more if we're even talking about a date). Your average man doesn't have the level of options that (most) women do, hence they have to be a lot more forward before the woman loses interest. You can of course disagree with me all you want, but this doesn't change the fact that the online dating market is vastly different for men and women, and many women are often oblivious to this fact because they assume the experience is similar the other way around too (it absolutely isn't).

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, Sam1986 said:

Most men already get no matches, so for them there is close to zero downside to texting hard and fast.

^^I understand this however it would help tremendously if, when they DO text, hard and fast or whatever, make the texts interesting!

I don't mind a bit aggressive but please, I am getting tons of messages as you said, he needs something to grab me, pull me, even if it's a bit c*cky and funny, make me laugh!   Or at least smile?

In turn I will respond back playfully and make him laugh!  We can go from there!

I do have sympathy for men, it's a highly competitive market and to succeed they really need to stand out from the rest.

Pics alone don't do it as looks are subjective and female attraction (despite what redpill and pua's preach) involves more than just physical aappearance.   

Make your messages count!  At least the first one. 

Bat, online dating has changed a lot since you were single and using it.. It's much MUCH more completive now with more apps etc.

Re your post describing aggressive and annoying calls from you bank, heck when I'm out and about, busy running errands, I don't answer my phone.

I kinda feel that's on me, he's trying to earn a living and especially in sales, he's taught to be aggressive or no deal.

Just how I deal with it, saves me from getting annoyed and frustrated. 

 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Sam1986 said:

Play it cool and you will generally get very little out of it, because the competition in pure numbers just works against men. Hence you have to get a woman's attention fast, b

None of the women I know and have known -largely educated professional women who mostly live in cities who would be looking to date properly not for a sexual arrangement- - would respond in any postive way to what Yogacat described -I'm just responding to that sort of approach. Just how that person messaged.  That would get my attention as in red flag. I'm a fan of taking the initiative and sending an intriguing/interesting message.  I wasn't making any kind of general statement as you did -I was just responding to what the OP endured and I'm so glad she didn't engage with him.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Re your post describing aggressive and annoying calls from you bank, heck when I'm out and about, busy running errands, I don't answer my phone.

I have to as it might be school and sometimes might be work related. I am referring to online dating in the present also. My friends are on dating sites and my friend's kids. Nothing at all excuses a salesperson for not being honest that it wasn't an emergency with our bank accounts when I told him my situation and it was potentially unsafe -I was in sales and sales-related roles for years and would never disrespect someone in that way.  Or lie.

I'm very aware how online dating has changed. My friends are on dating sites and my friend's kids.  My friend had several bumble meets in the last 5 days. I don't think it's changed at all as far as how someone should respond to the OP's situation - to me that's timeless basic manners.

[enigma32]

Meanwhile, I have a female friend who did a lot of Internet dating and if a guy did not message her enough, she would get rid of him. It's a matter of preferences I'd say.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Meanwhile, I have a female friend who did a lot of Internet dating and if a guy did not message her enough, she would get rid of him. It's a matter of preferences I'd say.

Yes and here he sent her a flurry of texts to a stranger -not a matter of him not engaging in a back and forth conversation  I didn't message much at all -we met in person but if he didn't ask me out properly in advance and didn't follow up reliably etc then to me that was not showing enough interest.  I had no cell when I dated but we would do AOL messaging -which I did very little of until we met in person and even then I preferred phone calls and getting to know him in person.  And some emails but I wanted attention shown by him asking me out or enthusiastically saying yes to me if I asked and wanting to see me regularly.  It's easy to show interest by typing. I find that with making new friends too.  Putting in the effort to have a long phone call or better to get together is what shows relevant interest in dating IMO.